IT Jokes: 2023
December 30, 2023
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small, deserted island one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands pulled out the message.
“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”
December 29, 2023
A video conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
December 27, 2023
Two female network engineers are talking in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”
The second network engineer answers, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”
The first one continues, “And see that shiny new car parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”
The second one replies, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”
The first network engineer reveals, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”
The second one answers, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”
The first one apologizes, “Oh, I’m sorry, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what have you been up to?”
The second network engineer responds, “Well, I’ve just completed a course on politeness.”
The first one asks, “A course on politeness? Why would you spend time on something like that?”
The second one answers, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a damn?’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”
December 26, 2023
Data Center Christmas Tunes
‘Twas the ‘Net before Christmas
Santa Claus is modem to town
Up On The Desktop
“Quark,” The Herald Angels Sing
Gateway In A Manger
The First AOL
INTEL IT On The Mountain
.COM All Ye Faithful
JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Joy To The World Wide Web
December 22, 2023
CIO: If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research.
December 20, 2023
A Network Manager at a large Data Center has to take on some sport, by his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of days one of his network engineers asks him how he’s doing.
“It’s going fine,” the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'”
“Really? What happens then?” the network engineer asks.
“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me?'”
December 18, 2023
What do you call an educated tube?
Answer: A graduated cylinder.
December 15, 2023
The boy is smoking and blowing smoke rings in the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: “Can’t you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!”
The boy replies back: “Darling, I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings, we only worry about errors.”
December 14, 2023
A woman wrote to the help desk:
Dear Help Desk,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and Basketball 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!
–Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 has the potential to be a great program. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.
–Help Desk
December 12, 2023
Senior Network Engineer: “Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.”
December 9, 2023
A woman, a Network Manager and his Network Engineer are sitting together in a train while returning from an IT conference..
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it’s completely dark.
Then there’s this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the Network Engineer are sitting as if nothing has happened and the Network Manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The Network Manager is thinking, “My Network Engineer must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
The woman is thinking, “The Network Manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his Network Engineer and got slapped for it.”
And the Network Engineer is thinking, “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap my Network Manager again!”
December 6, 2023
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
December 4, 2023
An older network engineer walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him.
The salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here that you’ll need much bigger shoes than that.”
The network engineer says, “That’s OK, please bring me the smaller ones.”
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
The salesman just has to ask, “Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?”
The network engineer says to the salesman, “I work a boring job in data center, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these darn shoes.”
December 3, 2023
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
November 30, 2023
A CIO and a CTO are standing on the tee at an exclusive golf club. Suddenly the CIO starts holding his ear and listening intently. Noticing the look of confusion on the CTO’s face, he explains that he has had his mobile phone receiver implanted into his ear so that he can pick up urgent messages from the Data Center.
At the second hole the CIO starts to talk loudly to nobody in particular. Once again he explains that using the latest state-of-the-art technology he has had one of his teeth microchipped, allowing him to speak to the IT staff without the inconvenience of holding a phone to his ear.
Suddenly, on the third hole, the CIO screws up his face, clutches his stomach, darts behind a bush, drops his trousers, and squats.
The CTO cannot believe what he is seeing, and shouts, “What the heck are you doing?”
To which the CIO replies, “Be with you in a minute…just gotta print something!”
November 29, 2023
How does the moon cut his hair?
Answer: Eclipse it.
November 27, 2023
CIO: If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research.
November 25, 2023
I am a network engineer working for a large Data Center and woke up late one morning. Discovering that I’d overslept, I abandoned my usual morning routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the clerk said, “I know you’re having a bad day, but…”
“I know, I know,” I interrupted. “You want to know how I can unlock my van with a broom.”
“No,” she said. “I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on inside out.”
November 24, 2023
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
November 21, 2023
Three network systems integrators were attending a technical conference in a large office building complex. At the end of the conference, the organizer asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were network systems integrators, the conference organizer said, “Hey, we need one of our server rooms redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”
So, they all went to the server room to check it out.
The first integrator took out his tape measure and network analyzer, did some measuring and analyzing and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was the second contractor. He also took out his equipment, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”
The network conference organizer, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even do any analysis like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy doing it for $700.”
November 20, 2023
If H2O is the formula for water, then what is the formula for ice?
Answer: H2O cubed.
November 17, 2023
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:
“Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization! IT REALLY WORKS!”
November 16, 2023
Network Manager: Half the IT people working here are below average.
November 15, 2023
Our junior network engineer, Lisa, purchased her first car, and was having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
“Miss,” the salesperson said, “this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You just give voice commands for whatever type of program you desire.”
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. “Country Music,” she said, and instantly the radio switched to a country station.
After a while she said, “Oldies,” and the radio complied.
A few minutes later, a woman cut her off in traffic.
“Stupid, inconsiderate !@*&#%!” Lisa yelled.
The radio paused for a second, and then Lisa heard a soothing voice say, “Hello again and welcome back to the program. We’ll now continue with our talk show. Today, let’s talk about the benefits of anger management…”
November 13, 2023
How does NASA organize a company party?
They planet.
November 12, 2023
Technical Program Manager: “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”
November 9, 2023
Our Network Manager goes home after a long day in the Data Center, answers the phone, and has the following conversation:
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right.”
He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room: “Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!”
November 7, 2023
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
November 5, 2023
I think spammers are starting to lose it.
Just today, I received an offer to lower my mortgage by three inches.
November 4, 2023
Two network engineers are discussing the possibility of love.
“I thought I was in love three times,” one network engineer says.
“How so?” the other network engineer asks.
“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”
“And that wasn’t love?” the other network engineer asks.
“No,” the first network engineer replies. “That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Was that love?”
“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Was that love?” the other network engineer asks.
“No,” the first network engineer replies. “That was seasickness.”
November 1, 2023
Network Manager: I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours.
October 30, 2023
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons.
They forgot to mention Morons.
October 28, 2023
We all have had to deal with user manuals that were not as clear and concise as we wanted them to be. Well, fear not, the manual you are about to read leaves nothing to be desired.
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-headed consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
You already unpacked it, didn’t you? You unpacked it and turned it on and fiddled with the buttons, right? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently deep-froze the device for six days. Now let’s talk about it:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the shipping people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR SUE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Sue really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing. It is not without irony that Sue’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will reject your refund claim.
Besides the device, the box should also contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”.
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of cable.
* IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get through half the driveway without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why.” WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry, which, in a continuing effort to improve safety developed this revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small figurines made of chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a handkerchief.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN CHINA. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY SANDERS OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO CHINA BUT KNOWS SOMEONE WHO HAS FRIENDS THERE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before midnight, during which time the manufacturer will, at no charge to the owner, send the device to our service people, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
PS: SUE REALLY WANTS THAT ENGAGEMENT RING BACK.
October 27, 2023
Two satellite network dishes meet on a Data Center roof, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.
October 24, 2023
Our Network Manager came home after an IT strategy meeting and told his wife, “Honey, I swear, we were at this restaurant, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!”
She said she didn’t believe him, so she called the restaurant. “Hello,” she said, “my husband attended a meeting at your location earlier today and I just want to ask you one question. Are your urinals covered in gold?”
To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who peed in your saxophone!”
October 23, 2023
Network Engineering Intern: “Doing nothing in the server room is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.”
October 22, 2023
The concept of the “paperless office” looks really good — on paper.
October 20, 2023
Our curmudgeonly Network Manager goes into the Data Center’s cafeteria one early morning and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the Network Manager.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the cafeteria worker.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says. “I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the cafeteria worker.
“WELL YOU HAD TIME YESTERDAY!” answers our Network Manager.
October 19, 2023
UI/UX designer: A Pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
October 17, 2023
Network Manager: “I got a new hearing aid, it works really well, I can hear everything now!”
Network Engineer: “Amazing! What kind is it?”
Network Manager: “6:30.”
October 15, 2023
Waterology
I’m sure you’ve heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.
Optimist:
The glass is half full.
Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.
Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.
Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers:
No thanks; I’m still breast-feeding.
Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.
C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
CIA:
What makes you think that’s milk?
Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.
NSA:
We know what it really is.
Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?
Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don’t hold me to that.
Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it – just don’t ask me how.
Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn’t pay for it!
Feminist:
How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE?
Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow’s contribution to all mankind!
Futurist:
The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass.
Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we’ll fill it with something we know is good for you.
Idealist:
In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy.
IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.
Mac users:
Where’s my pump?
Schroedinger:
That stupid cat got into the milk again!
Security consultant:
Where’d the rest of the milk go?
Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
October 11, 2023
Who was the design engineer for King Arthur’s round table?
Sir Cumference.
October 10, 2023
If a barber makes a mistake, It’s a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident.
If an entrepreneur makes a mistake, It is a new venture.
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory.
If our Network Manager makes a mistake, It is our mistake.
If a network engineer makes a mistake, It is a “MISTAKE.”
October 7, 2023
Where did the IT guy go?
He probably ransomeware.
October 5, 2023
Data Center Rules To Live By
1. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
2. It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
3. People who go to IT conferences are usually the ones who shouldn’t.
4. When the Network Managers talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
6. You are always doing something insignificant when the VP of Networking drops by your desk.
7. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
8. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
9. The last network engineer that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
October 4, 2023
How do you know when a computer is on a diet?
It quits eating after only one byte.
October 2, 2023
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a CIO were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
“I know,” said the CIO, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”
“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
October 1, 2023
What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates
September 29, 2023
To Think in the Data Center
I think … therefore I am overqualified.
I think I heard something hit the fan.
I think my learning curve is a circle.
I think not, said Descartes; and promptly disappeared.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
September 27, 2023
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a person’s house and your wifi connects automatically.
September 25, 2023
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, our Network Manager, Bob, and his wife Alice listened to the instructor declare: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He addressed the men: “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
IT guy Bob leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
September 23, 2023
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
September 22, 2023
A Network Manager had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:
Dr.: “Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.”
Network Manager: “Ok.”
Dr: “Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.”
Network Manager: “Ok.”
Dr.: “Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.”
After giving these instructions to the woman, the Network Manager asks, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with me, doctor?”
Dr.: “Yeah. You don’t drink enough water.”
September 21, 2023
Why did the computer hate commuting to work?
It had a hard drive.
September 18, 2023
*Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow*
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 2009.
7. You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”.
8. Everyone you talk to on the VOIP phone sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
September 16, 2023
Theorem of Network Engineering: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary – You are never given enough time or money.
September 14, 2023
A Network Engineer, a Digital Graphics Artist, and a Software Architect were sitting in a cafe at lunch. They were talking, and the Digital Graphics Artist posed the following question to the group:
“Which is better for a man: a torrid affair with a hot new woman, or a secure relationship with a wife?”
He answered, “I would prefer the beauty, the passion, the spirituality of a fling.”
The Software Architect chimed in, “I prefer the stability of knowing that your wife is there, the support and strength that she would provide.”
The Network Engineer looked up from his notes and said, “I want both. That way, they will both think that I am with the other, and I can actually get some work done in the office!”
September 12, 2023
Imagine a restaurant visit was like getting tech support – it might go something like this:
Patron: “Waiter!”
Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your support waiter. What seems to be the problem?”
Patron: “There’s a fly in my soup!”
Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.”
Patron: “No, it’s still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.”
Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?”
Patron: “A SOUP bowl!”
Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?”
Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!”
Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”
Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”
Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”
Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?”
Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”
Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?”
Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”
Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now!”
The waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: “Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.”
Patron: “This is potato soup.”
Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.”
Patron: “Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.”
The waiter leaves.
Patron: “Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!”
The check:
Soup of the Day…$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…$2.50
Access to support…$1.00
September 11, 2023
What is high tech, fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip.
September 10, 2023
This Data Center is full of willing IT staff: some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
September 5, 2023
The three little sentences that will get you through a career in the Data Center.
Number 1: Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
September 4, 2023
Overheard in our Data Center cafeteria: “No one’s dream job involves a kiosk.”
September 2, 2023
Network Engineering Tips
Never park your hard disk in a tow-away zone.
Never test for an error you don’t know how to handle
September 1, 2023
A network server fell on my head the other day.
I only have my shelf to blame, though.
August 30, 2023
When I was a proofreader for a major publisher’s website, I shared with my IT coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender:
A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation.
The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
August 28, 2023
The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
August 27, 2023
Our CIO decided to see if he could optimize operations by bringing in a consultant to our Data Center. The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked a network engineer from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
“Did it save time?” the network enigineer in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
August 26, 2023
Network Manager overheard: I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
August 23, 2023
A network engineer, John Jones, came into the Data Center an hour late for the third time in one week and found the Network Manager waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” the Network Manager asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Gregson’s helicopter, landed on top of his skyscraper, and ran over here.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the Network Manager, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
August 21, 2023
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
August 20, 2023
Our CIO was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.
He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”
August 18, 2023
Network Engineer: ‘I’m a walking economy, you know’
Network Manager: ‘How so?’
Network Engineer: ‘My hairline is in recession, my stomach is always in inflation, and these two together bring me into a deep depression’.
August 16, 2023
Why did the fiber optic cable manufacturer close business once a week?
Because business was light.
August 14, 2023
I was out of town while installing a new LAN for a distant client and it was dinner time. A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem – it wasn’t open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I’d written.
“That’s not the name of the restaurant,” he said, pointing to the sign over the door. “That’s Spanish for ‘Closed on Mondays.'”
August 13, 2023
Our network manager asked me to put a joke on the first slide of the presentation…apparently a picture of my pay slip wasn’t what he was looking for.
August 10, 2023
Our curmudgeonly Network Manager, Murphy, and his wife went for a stroll in the park while away from the Date Center during lunch. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
August 8, 2023
I just got fired from my job as a CGI set designer for a Podcast studio. I left without making a scene.
August 6, 2023
Data Center Sports
While you’re sitting on the toilet next to the server room, you see written on the stall door:
“Congratulations! You’ve won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.”
You look left and it reads: “Look Right.”
You look right and it reads: “Look Left.”
August 5, 2023
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
August 3, 2023
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up on the Internet.
The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and share copies of silly hoaxes relating to all kinds of topics. “These are not just people who follow all advice found in horoscopes,” a spokesman said. “Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner.”
However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. One weeping victim reported, “When I first heard about those things, I just accepted them without question. After all, there were dozens of other people believing it, so I thought the virus must be true.”
Now, however, she is spreading the word. “Challenge and check whatever you read,” she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to share multiple copies of such stories with others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.
J.R. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, “I read somewhere that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo.” Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by reminding others what to watch out for.
For every unbelievable message you share with some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
August 2, 2023
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
July 31, 2023
While sitting at a counter having doughnuts and coffee at a ‘quick stop’ service station, two network engineers travelling to a co-location center were startled to see a man step up to the cashier, holding a gun and demanding all his money. Not being satisfied with that, he made all the customers line up and proceeded to take all their valuables: watches, billfolds, etc.
As he made his way from person to person in the line, the two network engineer stood waiting at the end of the line. One network engineer carefully reached into his pocket, pulling out some cash and slipping it into the other’s hand.
“What’s that?” the other network engineer whispered.
“That’s the $20 I owe you.” he replied.
July 29, 2023
To err is human; but to really screw things up requires a computer.
July 28, 2023
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
July 26, 2023
Things not to say at a Network Engineer job interview in the Data Center:
1. “I’ll work so hard you won’t even know I’m there.”
2. “I’ll need all my paid vacation time up front so I’ll be rested when I start.”
3. “You can’t turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.”
4. “When do we eat?”
5. “Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?”
July 25, 2023
I found a job helping a one-armed, data entry person type capital letters.
It’s shift work.
July 23, 2023
I am an IT support engineer and I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Last New Year’s Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadn’t come, so I figured I’d likely missed it.
I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, “Sir, how long have you been waiting?”
He looked at his watch and said, “Since last year.”
July 21, 2023
My Network Manager is going to fire the network engineer with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
July 20, 2023
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
July 19, 2023
What is a computer’s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
July 16, 2023
Items From the Network Engineer’s Food Periodic Table
Rh: Rhubarb – Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.
Co: Coffee – Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey
V: Velveeta – Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.
Ds: Diet soda – Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.
Uuh: Unidentifiable – What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.
Li: Limburger – A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.
Fr: Frankfurter – Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard, K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.
… and the #1 Item From the Network Engineer’s Food Periodic Table …
Pr: Produce – Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.
July 14, 2023
An American computer equipment manufacturer is showing his electronics production equipment factory to a potential customer from a foreign country. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
July 9, 2023
Arial, Times New Roman, Helvetica, and Comic Sans walk into a bar.
The bartender shouts, “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
July 7, 2023
A Network Manager had ten very lazy network engineers working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy networking upgrade job today for the laziest engineer among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth network engineer.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.
July 6, 2023
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves.
July 4, 2023
Engineering terms and their translations
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM: We just hired three kids out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
July 3, 2023
When a client left his smartphone in my PC repair shop, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed Send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the smartphone rang. It was “Mom.”
“Martin,” she said, “you left your smartphone at the PC repair place.”
July 1, 2023
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself:
“This changes everything.”
June 27, 2023
RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory
June 26, 2023
I’ve got 3 TVs, cable, and a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I’m out of touch.
June 25, 2023
An applicant was filling out a job application for an entry level, network engineering position in our IT department..
When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”
The prospective network engineer answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
June 23, 2023
People at parties will “not” get geologists jokes.
That’s okay, because “Igneous is bliss”
June 21, 2023
E-mail Commandments
•Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
•Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
•Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
•Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
•Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
•Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
•Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
•Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
•Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
•When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
•That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
June 19, 2023
The new receptionist in our Data Center labeled her tape dispenser with the word, “TAPE.” I can think of only two reasons:
1. She wanted to make sure that her tape dispenser was not used for any unauthorized purposes, or…
2. She feared she would not recognize the tape dispenser in the future.
June 18, 2023
REALITY.SYS Not found.
Reboot Universe (Y/N/Q)?
June 14, 2023
Fairy Tale Technology
If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what’s happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today:
Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.
Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com and leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Hertz.com.
Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.
To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland vacation with travelocity.com.
A reformed Ebeneezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchitt to update his certification for QuickBooks.
Jack’s making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.
Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site eieio.com.
Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.
With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational speaker at tech conferences around the world.
The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged online.
King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing.
Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.
Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.
June 13, 2023
A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we’ll consider adding them later.”
A drunk Elm programmer walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dysfunctional programmers.”
Finally, a QA engineer walks into the bar, orders a beer, ten beers, 2.5 million beers, a dog, and leaves without paying.
June 11, 2023
A UI/UX designer walks into a bar…
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type in here.”
June 10, 2023
An newly hired network engineer is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last data center job comes up.
One co-worker asks why she left that job.”
It was something my Network Manager said,” the woman replied.
“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.
“You’re fired.”
June 6, 2023
Weight Control in the Data Center
Here’s a quick guide to calorie-burning activities that do not require physical exercise, and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush – 75
Jumping to conclusions – 100
Passing the buck – 25
Throwing your weight around – 50-300 (depending on your weight)
Dragging your heels – 100
Pushing your luck – 250
Making mountains out of molehills – 500
Hitting the nail on the head – 50
Bending over backwards – 75
Jumping on the bandwagon – 200
Running around in circles – 350
Climbing the ladder of success – 750
Pulling out the stops – 75
Wrapping it up at the day’s end – 12
To which you may want to add some additional activities, including:
Opening a can of worms – 50
Starting the ball rolling – 90
Putting your foot in your mouth – 300
And finally:
Picking up the pieces after – 350
June 4, 2023
Q: What’s big, white, and eats planets?
A: Moby Borg.
June 3, 2023
The Down Side of Cubicles in the Data Center:
* Being told to “Think outside the box” when I’m in the box all day.
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of rafters for the noose.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra without comment.
* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
June 1, 2023
Network Engineer: “I’m still tired of all the crossfit this morning.”
Data Center Co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate four of them.”
May 31, 2023
“Do you believe in life after death?” the Network Manager asked one of his network engineers.
“Yes, sir,” the IT guy replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the Network Manager went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
May 29, 2023
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
“Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked.
“I am real,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?”
May 27, 2023
Conjunctivitis.com.
Now that’s a site for sore eyes.
May 26, 2023
Former network engineer, 72-year-old Edgar, now retired, recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said the former IT guy was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think I’ll live to be 100?”
The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” the retired network engineer replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” the retired IT guy replied.
Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said, “I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, “Then why the heck do you want to live to be 100?”
May 24, 2023
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
May 22, 2023
A blogger was preparing a story taking place in the desert.
The computer nerd sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “Suddenly, two mongooses crossed her path.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses.
Then the techie blogger deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “Suddenly, two mongeese crossed her path.”
Again the blogger stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.
Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.
“She would have been surprised about one mongoose appearing out of nowhere,” the blogger typed. “But two of them?”
May 21, 2023
Why are chemists so great at solving problems?
Answer: They have all of the solutions.
May 19, 2023
After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she d be right back.
When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”
May 18, 2023
What do you call a fish made up of two sodium atoms?
Answer: Two Na.
May 16, 2023
I was troubleshooting a complex WAN networking problem across multiple facilities in the MIdwest. It required me taking several “puddle jumper” flights on very small commercial aircraft from site to site.
Part of the passenger arrival briefing from the lone flight attendant on a United Express O’Hare-to-Memphis flight:
“Please remove all personal items from the aircraft. Any items left on board can be found at my yard sale next Sunday.”
May 14, 2023
Why is a moon rock tastier than an Earth rock?
Answer: It’s a little meteor.
May 12, 2023
A skeptical Network Manager logged into a new version of ChatGPT that was supposed to be near-omniscient and asked it, “Where is my father?”
ChatGPT loaded for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical IT guy said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father is in San Diego.”
“No”, replied ChatGPT immediately. “Your mother’s husband is in San Diego. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
May 8, 2023
Q: What kind of phones do computer hackers in jail use?
A: Cell phones.
May 7, 2023
My job is as a Network Engineer in the Aerospace Industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense Contractor.”
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
May 4, 2023
Dogs can’t see your bones.
But CAT scan.
May 3, 2023
A network engineer is sitting on a bench outside the Data Center staring morosely at the ground when a co-worker strolls over.
The IT co-worker tries to start a conversation several times, but the network engineer barely responds. Finally, the techie co-worker asks what the problem is.
“Well,” the network engineer says, “I ran foul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”
“What kind of question?” the co-worker asks.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old and wrinkled.”
“That’s easy,” says the IT co-worker. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”
“Yeah,” says the network engineer, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”
May 1, 2023
Q: Where do astronauts like to party?
A: The space bar.
April 27, 2023
A Network Engineer walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the IT guy.
The assistant promptly has a look at the shoes and at the techie’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”
April 26, 2023
An unemployed video gamer came home to his wife and said, “Guess what? I’ve found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”
“That’s great,” his wife said.
“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”
April 24, 2023
The concept of the “paperless office” looks really good — on paper.
April 23, 2023
A retired couple, who were IT professionals, are lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects
of their future.
“What will you do if I die before you do?” the former Network Manager asked his programmer wife.
After some thought, she said, “I’d probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than myself, since I am so active for my age.”
Then the wife asked her husband, “What will you do if I die first?”
He replied, “Probably the same thing.”
April 21, 2023
I collect all the smartphones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room. Last night they all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night. I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort. But they’re still all grounded.
April 20, 2023
I just learned that our nine-year-old did an experiment on us. He lost a tooth, told no one for three days, and kept the tooth under his pillow. No money. Then he tells us he lost the tooth, and the next night there is money under his pillow. Then he confronted us with his scientific evidence that the tooth fairy isn’t real.
Wants to be a Network Engineer when he grows up.
April 18, 2023
Senior Network Engineer to IT Intern: “I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.”
April 17, 2023
A 55 year old Network Engineer who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.
One day a friend informs the IT networking specialist that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the engineer withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
April 16, 2023
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
April 14, 2023
A few years ago I was a travelling computer network troubleshooter for my company and was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process, at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: “Do you play?”
I shook my head, “I used to, but I quit because I wasn’t very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies.”
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then “The lower seventies?”
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Consistently?” he queried admiringly.
“Every hole,” I confessed.
April 12, 2023
A young computer gamer attending a video gaming convention checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The computer gamer says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a third door that I haven’t tried because it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
April 10, 2023
The other day, I asked my French friend if she enjoys any video games.
She said, “Wii.”
April 8, 2023
I am a Network Manager at a large Data Center by day, and an inventor by night.
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the
desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
April 6, 2023
“I came in to make an appointment with the dentist,” said the Video Gamer to the receptionist.
“I’m sorry sir,” she replied, “he’s out right now, but…”
“Thank you,” interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. “When will he be out again?”
April 5, 2023
Why did the physicist break up with the biologist?
Answer: There was no chemistry.
April 4, 2023
This is the story of four network engineers in the Data Center named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important network server update job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
April 3, 2023
Network Engineering Intern:
“They say ‘You Snooze, You Lose’, which means I start every morning failing multiple times in 9-minute intervals.”
April 2, 2023
One day, a network engineer received an unusually large paycheck. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was short the overpayment she received the previous week. So she confronted her Network Manager about it.
“How come,” her Network Manager inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the data center employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but two in a row is getting unacceptable!”
March 24, 2023
A Nerd’s Solution
I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap.
Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle “for extra volume and fullness.” No wonder why I can’t lose weight!
Now I’m using my dish soap in the shower. It’s guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!
March 23, 2023
A network engineer who worked in the server room of a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his Network Manager, the IT engineer explained: “You can’t park anywhere near this place!”
March 20, 2023
A software applications developer is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his highly automated farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Bryan. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The applications programmer looks at the sheep for a moment and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.”
The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right,” he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the software developer, “I counted the number of feet and divided by four.”
March 19, 2023
What do you call 8 Hobbits?
A Hobbyte
March 15, 2023
An IT guy bought a new gadget for his home — unassembled, of course — and after reading and rereading the assembly instructions still couldn’t figure out how it went together. Finally, he sought the help of an old handyman working in the backyard. The old fellow picked up the pieces, studied them, and then began assembling the gadget. In just a few minutes he has it all put together.
“That’s amazing,” said the IT guy. “And you did it without even looking at the instructions!”
The handyman replied, “Fact is, I can’t read, and when a fellow can’t read he’s got to think.”
March 13, 2023
A network engineer tells his co-worker in the Data Center, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.”
“What did he say?”
“He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.”
“Did that do any good?”
“No, I can’t get the chocolate to light.”
March 12, 2023
Why do biologists look forward to casual Fridays?
Answer: They’re allowed to wear genes to work.
March 9, 2023
A Computer Science professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors like him were absent-minded.
“Computer Science Professors haven’t got bad memory,” he declared. “They’re not absent-minded. Don’t you think I know where I am right now, and don’t you think tomorrow I’ll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?”
“Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that Computer Science professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?”
“Good!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.”
March 7, 2023
If at first you don’t succeed, call it Version 1.0.
March 5, 2023
At three o’clock one morning an on-call, network engineer was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his phone. He staggered downstairs and answered the call.
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” said a voice at the other end of the line.
“That’s all right,” said the IT support guy, “I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”
March 4, 2023
Q: How can you tell that a blonde sent you an email?
A: It has a stamp on it.
March 2, 2023
Mr. Allen, a high-powered IT sales executive trying to impress a client in his office in our Data Center, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his admin, “Miss Hunter, get my broker!”
The client was impressed until he heard the admin’s clear voice saying, “Yes, sir — stock or pawn?”
February 26, 2023
For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they are making a male version. It doesn’t listen to anything.
February 23, 2023
My wife was chatting with her brother, a former Network Manager who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.
“Why did you quit skiing? Are you afraid of injuries?” my wife asked.
“I am now!” her brother responded. “Before, I could have a cast at work and still get the job done. But now a cast would mess up my golf game!”
February 21, 2023
Two overweight, middle-aged women who worked in the network programming department of our Data Center, are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all people must deal eventually.
One of the co-workers complained that she remained an ‘apple-shape’ and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay.
Her office mate agreed, saying, “It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways.”
February 19, 2023
Ohgreat,nowthedarnspacebarwon’twork!
February 18, 2023
Two computer science students were driving on the highway. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: “Clean Restrooms.”
By the time they got to their destination, they’d cleaned 147 public toilets.
February 16, 2023
Data Center employee: Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
February 14, 2023
Two hardcore gamers were chatting. “I’ve just bought a pig,” said the first.
“But where will you keep it?” said the second. “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!”
“I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied his friend.
“But what about the smell?”
“He’ll get used to it.”
February 13, 2023
Senior Network Engineer: If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in, and see if that works.
February 11, 2023
Friday, we had a tornado drill. Our IT department is situated underneath a parking garage (funny how corporations just love putting the nerds in a basement), and there’s a PA announcement repeating itself ad nauseum:
“This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows.”
Somebody yelled out: “Quick! Get to a DOS prompt.”
February 9, 2023
A space telescope image showing distant galaxies colliding was published.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the new telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…
February 7, 2023
Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
February 6, 2023
Q: How many overeager network engineering interns does it take to put in a light bu…
A: Done!
February 4, 2023
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.
He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a successful, Silicon Valley entrepreneur came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the high tech entrepreneur to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the successful entrepreneur, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The entrepreneur replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.
“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The high tech entrepreneur was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”
The successful, Silicon Valley businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
February 3, 2023
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
February 2, 2023
Looking disgustedly at the foot-tall man clad entirely in green, his wiry red hair poking out from beneath a ridiculous buckled hat, protruding from both nostrils and ears and forming a coarse beard, velvet emerald pantaloons tucked into green-and white-striped socks which in turn disappeared into black, buckled shoes, the Director of Digital Content for a major network equipment manufacturer said to his young marketing intern,
“No, I said bring me a lexicon.”
January 30, 2023
Beam me up, Scotty, the elevators in the Data Center don’t work.
January 29, 2023
Wife: “You look exhausted from your day at the Data Center, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?”
Network Manager: “No thanks. I’m too tired. Let’s just eat at home.”
January 27, 2023
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
January 25, 2023
A newly hired cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his co-workers, who are going around a circle telling jokes.
One of the cryptographers shouts, “12!” and everyone starts laughing.
Another person shouts, “34!” which is received with more laughter.
The new cryptographer asks one of the people, “Why is everyone laughing?”
The fellow responds, “Instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number.”
When it’s the new cryptographer’s turn, he says, “-22,” to which everyone bursts in laughter.
One of them shouts, “I haven’t heard that one before!”
January 24, 2023
It was my first day working in the IT department of a major petroleum manufacturer and their onboarding process included observing various aspects of the company’s operations on site. At one point, I watched a senior technician measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.
“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.
“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”
“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would most likely blow it out.”
January 23, 2023
Beam me up, Scotty, there’s no intelligent life here in the Data Center.
January 20, 2023
This telecommunication repair technician is called in to deal with a phone problem for a customer: “The mute button keeps flashing on extension 37.”
And it wasn’t the first time the issue had been raised. “I was the fourth repair technician to be faced with it,” says the tech. “I already knew there was no way to fix this problem, since there would be no fix by the manufacturer.”
So he goes over to the desk of the user at extension 37, introduces himself, surveys the situation and says, “Oh, you have the system monitor phone.”
“What’s that?” customer asks.
“If that light ever stops flashing, it means there’s something wrong with the CPU,” the tech explains with a straight face. “In that case, please call us and open a ticket for replacement of the CPU.”
And that’s it. “The phone user seemed honored to be trusted with such a responsibility,” says tech. “We never got another call back on that matter.”
“And yes, that service call was no charge.”
January 16, 2023
Q: How many CS graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take her/him more than five years to do it.
January 12, 2023
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on.
After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.”
The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
January 10, 2023
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He went unconscious but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why he was smiling.
The student replied, “I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half M V squared.”
January 9, 2023
While traversing the Data Center, beware of the Quantum Ducks, “Quark! Quark! Quark!”
January 7, 2023
I recently accepted a position as Network Engineer at a large Data Center. Before I could enroll in my company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?”
January 3, 2023
Beam me sideways, Scotty, nobody knows which way is up in this Data Center.
January 2, 2023
You Know You Have A Bad Computer When . . .
10. The lower corner of screen has the words “Etch a Sketch” on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: “good luck!”
6. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: “Ain’t it break time, Chester?”
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.