IT Jokes: 2022
December 30, 2022
Q: What kind of androids do you find in the Arctic?
A: Snowbots!
December 27, 2022
After finishing an out-of-town network installation, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.
The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.
Wearily I walked back to the station. “You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”
December 25, 2022
As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual: “What would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my email?”
December 23, 2022
What I don’t like about IT department Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.
December 21, 2022
Q: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?
A: A pineapple!
December 19, 2022
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123.'”
December 18, 2022
Q: How does a lumberjack start his computer?
A: By Logging On!
December 16, 2022
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel during a Network Engineering conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.
“What happened?” he asked.
I said, “I was attacked by a flying saucer.”
December 12, 2022
I work as a Design Engineer for an IT hardware company. While driving, I seldom slow down at the road breakers and bumps. One day out of exasperation, my wife sitting next to me said, “Honey, if you don’t slow down, you’re going to damage your shock absorbers, your wheel bearings and probably have to get another wheel alignment.”
I was surprised by her knowledge of the technical words and told her so.
She replied, “Sweetheart, for years I’ve being telling you in plain English to slow down but you aren’t listening. I thought maybe some engineering talk might help you see your foolishness.”
Well it did.
December 11, 2022
Senior Network Engineer: “I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”
December 10, 2022
I am a network systems integrator with clients around the country, so I travel a lot. While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.
Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, “Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?”
The young mother replied honestly, “The luggage, no; the children, yes.”
December 7, 2022
Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?
A: The mathemortician.
December 6, 2022
Old Network Engineer: “Back in my day, we had to agree when and where to meet and if someone didn’t show up you couldn’t call or text them, you just had to assume they had died.”
December 4, 2022
Procrastination in the Data Center
P is for the popcorn you pop so you have something to eat in your hands so you can’t type your system commands.
R is for all of the user documentation reading that you are afraid to start because you know that you won’t remember it tomorrow anyway.
O is for the overwhelming amount of time that one can manage to waste in an evening instead of doing work.
C is for the crying you will do when you realize what types of employment reviews you are going to get because you haven’t done your work.
R is for the radio dial that you are playing with so that you know when you do start your work there will be good tunes on.
A is for the abominable code review that you will be getting on the program that you are trying to avoid writing.
S is for the soup that you make when you are done with the popcorn so you continue to have something to occupy your hands.
T is for the stand up that you have at 9:00 am tomorrow and you haven’t yet began to prepare for.
I is for the insane amount of time that you are wasting by reading this email.
N is for the nodding off in server room that you will be doing tomorrow after staying up all night avoiding your work.
A is for the amazing typing skills that you have developed since you have become an email and chat freak.
T is for the terrible review that you know that you are going to get anyway, so why bother working.
I is for the inevitable fact that you just know that your work isn’t going to get done tonight.
O is for the outstanding organization of your desk that you have managed to accomplish while “getting ready” to work (we all heard that one before!)
N is for never giving up on the belief that you will eventually do all the work that needs to be done.
December 3, 2022
I’ve decided to create a new dating app for Paleontologists.
Going to call it Carbon Dating.
December 1, 2022
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
November 29, 2022
Random Comments Overheard in the Server Room:
“If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”
“I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.”
“You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”
November 28, 2022
Computer Dependency Test
Here’s a quick test for you to take.
Q: Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, look down…
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Look down, not scroll down, dummy! This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
November 26, 2022
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the networking lab?
A: The network architects were brainstorming!
November 23, 2022
Passwords are like underwear:
Don’t share them, hide them under your keyboard, or hang them from your monitor.
Above all, change them frequently.
November 22, 2022
I am the Director of Human Resources for a large Data Center in a major metropolitan area. One day, I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new network engineers. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.
“Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect?”
November 20, 2022
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a smartphone?
A: A golden receiver!
November 19, 2022
Data Center Weekly Calendar Nomenclature
Because of the reaction IT people have when they wake up and realize it’s a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.
Many IT people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.
By the third day of the week, IT people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.
Too bleary to even count properly, IT people think it’s only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it’s erroneously called Thirdsday.
On the last day of the workweek, IT people often go out “for a few” after work. By the time they get home, they’re too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That’s why the day is known as Fryday.
Saturday night all the singles let loose. There’s a lot of sexual hijinks. It’s pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.
And on the last day of the week–and the weekend–IT people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn’t get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won’t keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.
November 15, 2022
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
November 13, 2022
In our Data Center, there’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.
November 11, 2022
It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her network engineer husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the network engineer husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for a friendly drink. A group of women invited us to join them, so we did. We drank and had fun talking and it got a little flirty. I got swept up in the moment and one thing led to another. I ended up making out with one of the women we met.”
His wife listens impatiently, arms crossed, furiously tapping her foot the whole time. When he finishes, she blurts out “Liar! LIAR! You were in the computer lab again weren’t you!”
November 10, 2022
Remember; Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting the new network configuration right, there’s a 90% probability that you’ll get it wrong.
November 8, 2022
My wife came downstairs to my office where I have my network installation and engineering consulting company and asked if I’d seen the cat. I hadn’t, but since I was working on a network switchin the garage earlier and she hadn’t seen it since then, she swore I must have let it get out.
We never let the cat outside because my wife is afraid it will get hurt or lost. I was pretty sure I didn’t let the cat out, but I couldn’t find it either.
She was getting madder at me by the minute as she convinced herself it was all my doing, so I jumped in the car and drove around looking for the darn thing…in a heavy snowstorm…for over 2 hours.
She was sure she’d never see the cat again by now, and I was in the doghouse. It wasn’t until she went to bed that she heard a faint meow. It seems my wife shut the cat in the bathroom closet when she got out a towel to take a shower.
November 7, 2022
“Where’s the car?” asked the CIO’s wife when he got home.
“Did I take it out?”
“Yes, you drove it to the Data Center this morning.”
“I suppose you’re right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he’d gone.”
November 3, 2022
A systems programmer went into the local mall where he saw a sign on the escalator – “Dogs must be carried on this escalator.”
The programmer then spent the next two hours looking for a dog.
October 31, 2022
A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.
October 30, 2022
There’s a skinny programmer sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just chugs it all down.
The poor programmer starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My IT Manager, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife left me. I leave home and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!”
October 28, 2022
Sr. Network Engineer: “10 years ago today I married my best friend. My wife’s still really angry about it, but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny.”
October 25, 2022
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies: “Yes!”
October 23, 2022
Never test for a network error that you don’t know how to handle.
October 22, 2022
“Honey,” said our Network Manager to his wife, “I invited the new network engineer home for dinner.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite him for dinner?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
October 20, 2022
The elevator in our Data Center malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us network engineers trapped inside. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
October 18, 2022
Never park your hard disk in a tow-away zone.
October 11, 2022
One caller to our after hours tech support answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”
“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”
Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”
October 10, 2022
When I was on the computer I couldn’t find ESC and I lost CTRL.
October 8, 2022
The Network Manager examined the job application then turned to the prospective Network Engineer.
“I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you’ve put AMAP down for required salary. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that before, what does it mean?”
The applicant replied, “As Much As Possible!”
October 7, 2022
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband, a principal network engineer at the data center I work in, was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her techie husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” the IT guy said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
October 5, 2022
A young network engineer was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. “You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?” he asked the Network Manager.
“Yeah,” came the reply. “My wife.”
October 3, 2022
The VP of Networking for a large computer services company gives the new field services manager his marching orders: Cut costs, cut costs, and on top of that, cut costs.
So when the field technician gets to a customer site to fix an old, large line printer, he knows there’s going to be a problem.
“The printer was covered under our maintenance contract,” the tech says. “A co-worker and I determined the problem was with a very expensive part.”
He sends the diagnosis back to his new manager with a request for the expensive new part.
“That part is too expensive,” says field services manager. “Go back and find something else wrong with the printer.”
October 1, 2022
An independent, Network Systems Integrator sent an inquiry to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit for a job. He wrote: “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to allow me to keep him in my room at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
September 30, 2022
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
September 28, 2022
IT Forum Moderator (n): see also god, dictator, egotist, oppressor
September 26, 2022
Q: What does today’s modern farmer count his cows with?
A: A digital cowculator.
September 23, 2022
Judge: “Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?”
Network Engineer: “I don’t want to be away from my job in the Data Center that long.”
Judge: “Can’t they do without you at work?”
Network Engineer: “Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.”
September 22, 2022
A newly graduated Computer Sciences major gets an entry level IT job interview in another city and checks into a hotel for the first time in his life. Five minutes after going up to his room. he calls the desk and says, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The man says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a third door I haven’t tried because it has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on it.”
September 19, 2022
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
“See that over there? What is that?” asks the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look and then says, “That’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it?”
“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
“Look at its hands,” says the second crow. “It’s not holding a mobile phone.”
September 18, 2022
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time!
September 16, 2022
Astronauts use Linux because you can’t open windows in space.
September 15, 2022
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45.”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
September 13, 2022
Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
September 11, 2022
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.”
Network Engineer Husband: “Which is this?”
September 8, 2022
A Network Manager had a few positions open at his Data Center and asked job seekers to fill out an application.
Under “Salary Expected,” a woman wrote “Friday.”
September 5, 2022
A co-worker at my network engineering company bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.
Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
“Time for Service.”
September 4, 2022
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer.
Apparently, the paper was jamming.
September 2, 2022
I am a network engineer and according to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you’re eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M’s. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
I now have a whole new outlook on life.
September 1, 2022
It took nearly 90 hours of frantically working seven different Internet connections, but we were able to successfully lift my favorite clip from obscurity to #1 on Billboard’s weekly music video countdown.
And my wife didn’t think we were going to do anything fun on this cruise!
August 29, 2022
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a “movie night” with her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You’ve Got Mail and The Matrix. She’s still mad at me.
What did I do?
August 27, 2022
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”
August 26, 2022
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a “severe nonlinear waterfowl issue.”
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, “What exactly is that?”
The programmer replied, “They don’t have all their ducks in a row.”
August 25, 2022
My boss asked me how good I was at making spreadsheets.
I told him I Excel at it.
August 23, 2022
A Senior Network Engineer was applying for a position at the Data Center of a large insurance company. The interviewer examined the job application and then turned to the prospective employee.
“I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you’ve put AMAP down for required salary. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that before, what does it mean?”
The applicant replied, “As Much As Possible!”
August 22, 2022
Scientist/Inventor: “I’ve just invented something that everyone in the world will want! You know how you get a nasty ring around the bathtub every time you use it, and you have to clean the ring off?”
Laboratory Assistant: “Yes, I hate it when that happens.”
Scientist/Inventor: “Well, you need never have a bathtub ring again! I’ve invented the square tub…”
August 17, 2022
I was doing an overnight at a hotel while troubleshooting my client’s network, and I took my computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, “What’s the wifi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll have a beer.”
Bartender: “We have Molsons Canadian on tap.”
Me: “Sure. How much is that?”
Bartender: “$8.00.”
Me: “Ok. Here you are. What’s the wifi password”
Bartender: “youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.”
August 14, 2022
I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
August 11, 2022
Two network engineers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the IT guys, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, the first network engineer jams something in the other network engineer’s hand. Without looking down, the second network engineer whispers, “What is this?”
To which the first network engineer replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”
August 10, 2022
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ‘You’ve got male!'”
August 6, 2022
Video Gamer: I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s giving me lately.
August 5, 2022
An IT systems integrator was heading home after being abroad for some time. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”
“The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
August 3, 2022
Q: What did Neptune say to Saturn?
A: Give me a ring sometime!
August 1, 2022
A cybersecurity consultant at an IT conference was giving a long-winded keynote address and finally says, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
An irritated voice from the technical audience says, “There’s a calendar behind you.”
July 31, 2022
I travel a lot as an IT systems integrator for financial firms and I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Air-fare to Denver is $300,” said a cheery salesperson.
“And what about Salt Lake City?”
“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake–$99.00, but there is a stopover.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Denver.”
July 29, 2022
“You looked troubled,” I told my co-worker in the Data Center, “what’s the problem?”
He replied, “I’m going to be a father.”
“But that’s wonderful,” I said.
“What’s wonderful? My wife doesn’t know about it yet!”
July 27, 2022
Q: Which Dark Lord of the Sith also plays country music?
A: Darth Brooks.
July 25, 2022
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: “Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”
“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I m hauling.”
“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer.
As the trucker is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. “Why did you do that?”
“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming and grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait em!”
July 24, 2022
I have a few jokes about unemployed network engineers, but it doesn’t matter; none of them work.
July 22, 2022
A computer once beat me at chess.
But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
July 21, 2022
You Know The IT Department’s PC Budget is Tight When . . .
10. The lower corner of screen has the words “etch a sketch” on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: “Good luck!”
6. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: “Ain’t it break time, Chester?”
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
July 18, 2022
The problem with network trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
July 16, 2022
I am a network engineer at a large Data Center. During lunch one day, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our employees’ lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as “extra” money.
“Yes, there is,” our Network Manager retorted. “It’s what you have right before your car breaks down.”
July 14, 2022
If at first you don’t succeed…call it Version 1.0
July 12, 2022
I stopped video gaming for a while and visited the Air & Space Museum.
Boy, do I feel ripped off.
It was just an empty room.
July 11, 2022
A co-worker in the server room was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, “She’s half as old as I am, that’s how I always remember.”
So one of our network engineers said, “That’s neat… So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?”
My co-worker thought about that, and then said, “Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.”
July 9, 2022
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
July 6, 2022
The inventor of auto-correct died.
The funnel will be held tomato.
July 4, 2022
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory — just one byte.
And then everything crashed.
July 2, 2022
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
June 30, 2022
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were network executives for a global IT firm and they all were attending a cybersecurity seminar. They showed up late, and could only find seats in the back row.
When the presenter noticed them come in and take their seats, he asked them, “Can you guys see me back there?”
They answered back in order, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja.”
June 29, 2022
Nick, our Network Manager, lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”
One day, when he was late for work in our Data Center, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”
Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”
June 27, 2022
I changed my password to “incorrect”.
So, whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
June 26, 2022
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
June 24, 2022
The small network hardware company that my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted, after-hours, tech support calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”
The caller would often reply with something like, “But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.)
June 22, 2022
With the rise of AI/ML-enabled, autonomous vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him, too.
June 20, 2022
A Network Manager was teaching his 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt:
The daughter asked, “Do I click the square?”
The Network Manager dad said, “Yes.”
The daughter then wanted to know, “Single click or double click?”
June 19, 2022
Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
June 17, 2022
I think watching too much “Star Trek” has ruined my imagination. Whenever I try to imagine an alternate universe, it’s exactly the same as this one, except that I like beards.
June 15, 2022
Dear Valued Data Center Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or, if you wish monetary compensation, notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
June 13, 2022
Co-worker comes in holding an Ethernet cord and asks if we have a jack in this office.
“Nope. It’s just me, Andrew, and James.”
June 12, 2022
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer – the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help.
No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program.
The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window.
Why, the IBM technician asked.
Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
June 10, 2022
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m alive.
June 9, 2022
Follow your dream!
Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in the Data Center and in your underwear during a fire drill.
June 7, 2022
Our Network Manager’s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickel. He was rushed to the hospital.
The next day I asked our Network Manager how his son was doing, and he replied, “No change yet”.
June 6, 2022
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work as a network engineer in a large data center.
“Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”
June 4, 2022
A Network Manager came home from work in the Data Center and was greeted by his wife dressed in a teddy.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.
June 3, 2022
Q: How does a physicist exercise?
A: By pumping ion!
June 1, 2022
My evil, diabolical master plan of explosive revenge against my idiot Network Manager and jerk-face, network engineering co-workers was foiled by our cafeteria vending machine.
After $15 in change and repeated presses of “C4,” it still only dispensed packages of peanut butter crackers.
May 28, 2022
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m alive.
May 25, 2022
Video Gamer #1: I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my basement room once and for all.
Video Gamer #2: How do you know?
Video Gamer #1: She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.
May 24, 2022
A network data analyst got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink.
“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked.
“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the network data analyst replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it.”
May 22, 2022
On a recent trip to a Chicago Cyber Security Forum, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.
My husband, also an IT manager attending the show, obligingly hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?”
May 21, 2022
My mind is like an internet browser:
At least 19 open tabs,..
…3 of them are frozen…
…and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
May 19, 2022
Headlines from 2050
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally
May 18, 2022
“Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company.”
“Would you spell that, please?”
“Certainly. That’s C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. and Y as in you.”
“Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with my supervisor.”
May 15, 2022
A Network Engineer just returned from traveling around the USA for a year while installing high performance networks for businesses. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them.
It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go.”
He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go”
He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, “Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?” The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom…”
May 12, 2022
I had just accepted a position as a Senior Network Engineer at a large bank. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’
I put ‘DOCTOR.’
May 11, 2022
File Under: I can’t help it…I am a network engineer…
Last weekend I was driving from Boston to NYC with my wife.
Connecticut had recently installed new scoreboard-style highway signs that keep commuters up-to-date on current traffic conditions and, at the time, the message read, “Change speed to 50 MPH A HEAD.”
I thought, “There are two heads in this car at the moment so…” and then looked over at my wife who, without waiting for me to say anything, simply said, “No.”
She knows me too well.
May 7, 2022
Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery.
The GPS blurted out, “You have reached your final destination.”
May 3, 2022
A young man applied for a network engineering job at a new server farm being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.
After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new server farm, the Personnel Officer told the young man, “We need individuals who are totally responsible.”
The young network engineer grinned and responded: “Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!”
May 2, 2022
Q: What did the network engineer who was just cloned say?
A: “I’m beside myself!”
May 1, 2022
Network Engineer: The fix worked and the server is up… Now if I could only remember what I did.
April 29, 2022
One of the network engineers in our Data Center, Fred, is 32 years old and he’s single.
One day the Network Manager asks, “Why aren’t you married?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mom doesn’t like them.”
The Network Manager thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the solution, just find a woman who’s like your mom.”
A few weeks later they are chatting again and the Network Manager asks, “Did you find the perfect woman?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found her. She was just like my mom. And you were right, my mom liked her very much.”
The Network Manager says, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My dad doesn’t like her.”
April 28, 2022
Life in the Tech Support Center:
A Caller to our Tech Support line asked “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply from the computer support technician.
“Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
April 26, 2022
I can’t remember a life before Google.
Fortunately, I can Google it.
April 25, 2022
The Keyboard
Definition: Device used to enter errors into the Computer.
Best Error Message: Keyboard not connected, press <Fl> to continue.
April 23, 2022
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Network Engineer: “Honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Old Network Engineer: “I don’t really give a crap what you think.”
April 21, 2022
Customer: “I’ve been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically — but there’s a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.”
Tech Support: “Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?”
Customer: “Of course I am. That’s why I bought it.”
Tech Support: “Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?”
Customer: “Don’t get rude with me, of course I do.”
Tech Support: “Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.”
Customer: “I know all that — what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it.”
April 19, 2022
A soldier, a sailor and an airman were attending a military cybersecurity meeting and were sitting together having a beer. They began to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.
“It is the laser,” said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. “The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional.”
“No,” interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier’s phenomenal mind. “It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch.”
“I disagree,” said the airman, a man of, well he’s an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. “The greatest invention is the thermos.”
“The thermos?!!?” exclaimed the other two.
“Yup, a thermos,” he said. “I mean, jus’ think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it.”
“Yeah, so?” quizzed the other two.
“Well,” said the airman, “how does it know?”
April 17, 2022
How do you keep a network systems programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “Lather, rinse, repeat.”
April 16, 2022
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”
One student replied:
“You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
“Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.”
“Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.”
“But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).”
“Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.”
“If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.”
“But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.”
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
April 15, 2022
Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 1989.
7. You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”.
8. Everyone you talk to on the VOIP phone sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
April 13, 2022
I work for a network systems engineering firm that does complex LAN/WAN installations around the world. As a growing company, we had a lot of new network engineers, including a fellow named Jim.
Jim went to South America for the first time to work on a major networking hub whose installation was nearing completion. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on.
He visited one of the local churches, and when he arrived, it was already packed. The only pew left was the one in the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him.
When the man stood up to pray, Jim stood up too.
When the man sat down, Jim sat down.
During the preaching, Jim didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like the man next to him.
Then Jim perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so Jim clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. Jim looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When Jim stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak our language.”
Jim replied: “No I don’t. Is it that obvious?”
“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that one of our local families had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”
April 10, 2022
Bill, Jim, and Scott, three senior network engineers, were at a cybersecurity convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings about the latest in local area networking, wide area networking and anti-malware technologies, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car.”
April 9, 2022
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
April 7, 2022
Our Network Manager gave me a verbal warning for being lazy, but he sent it via e-mail because he didn’t feel like walking over to my cubicle.
April 6, 2022
A Buddhist monk, a priest and a rabbit were discussing their greatest fears.
The monk said, “My biggest fear is that mankind will never reach enlightenment.”
The priest replied, “My fear is that evil will ultimately prevail over good.”
The rabbit looked around confusedly and stated, “I’m afraid I’m an auto-correct error in the text.”
April 4, 2022
A network engineer confided to a longtime co-worker in the Data Center: “After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.”
“He said, ‘No hablo ingles.'”
April 2, 2022
An angry customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”
April 1, 2022
Before boarding a bus, a near-broke video gamer asked the driver, “What is the fare to the train station?”
“Sixty cents,” said the driver.
As the bus pulled away the young video gamer raced alongside it until the next stop. When the doors opened again
he gasped, “How much is the fare now?”
“Ninety cents,” said the driver. “You’re running the wrong way.”
March 30, 2022
Wife of Network Engineer: “Let’s go out and have fun tonight.”
Network Engineer: “Okay! But if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.”
March 29, 2022
Q: How many GPU designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people.
March 26, 2022
Girlfriend: “I need to tell you something.”
Video Gamer: “What is it Babe?”
Girlfriend: “I broke your Xbox.”
Video Gamer: “What?!?!?”
Girlfriend: “Just kidding. Actually, I’m cheating on you.”
Video Gamer: “Sooo my Xbox is okay, right?”
March 25, 2022
Video Gamer: “Dad, my Ethernet only sometimes works.”
Network Engineer Dad: “I know, it ether works, or it doesn’t.”
March 22, 2022
Corporate PC User calling IT Tech Support: “It says I’ve performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?”
March 21, 2022
My colleague and I were flying to a 3-day, network design training seminar at an electronics conference in Las Vegas.
Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”
Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.”
An hour later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.”
My IT colleague turned to me and said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
March 19, 2022
FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn’t Like
Atlanta, Ga. – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec’s AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft’s Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
“Frankly, we’ve never heard of a virus that couldn’t spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,” said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC’s infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours.
“Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook,” said Nick Brown, Britain’s Agriculture Minister. “By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere.”
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as “I Love You,” “Bubbleboy,” “Anna Kournikova,” and “Naked Wife,” to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: “It’s not that we don’t trust the research, it’s just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow.”
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook’s patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is.
“Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, ‘Doesn’t everything?'” she recalled. “Who would’ve thought?”
March 16, 2022
Q: What size of soap does a network software QA/QC test engineer use?
A: Trial size!
March 15, 2022
Caller: ‘Hi, can you connect me with Jack?’
IT Tech Support: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the phone system from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
IT Tech Support: ‘It means the telephone plug on the wall.’
March 12, 2022
Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband, the IT guy, smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.”
I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights!”
March 8, 2022
My co-workers in the network server room laugh at my jokes in person, but never in online meetings.
When I asked why, they said that my jokes were not remotely funny.
March 7, 2022
The following is a comprehensive study, researched and validated by the top behavioral scientists in the country:
Everything Network Engineers Know About the Opposite Sex:
.
March 4, 2022
A PC support technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his new desktop computer had told him he was “bad and invalid”.
The IT tech explained that the computer’s “bad” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
March 3, 2022
Some of my former colleagues in the Data Center started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the disruptive venture. “We have to call it Imagination,” one passionate participant cried out.
Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, “Are you sure you want your business card to read ‘Imagination, Limited’?”
March 2, 2022
Two Network Managers were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a Data Center.
“I started a new policy last year,” the first one said. “I insist that each of my network engineers take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
The first Network Manager responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
February 24, 2022
Overheard during lunch in the Server Room:
“Anybody who says their wedding or the birth of their child was the best day of their life has clearly never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.”
February 23, 2022
The IT company where my brother, Dave, worked as a network engineer had a tech support phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number.
It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”
The callers would often reply with something like, “I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong … Oh!” (Click)
February 21, 2022
A network engineer told his doctor that he wasn’t able to perform many of the physical tasks required in the Data Center that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the IT guy. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my Network Manager.”
February 20, 2022
Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.
The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
February 17, 2022
A high-level IT executive for a Fortune 50 company and his fiancee are standing at the altar, waiting to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees a set of golf clubs standing next to him. “What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?” she whispers.
“Well,” the IT executive says, “this won’t take all afternoon will it?”
February 16, 2022
This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies, “Sure. Which country?” Our fella asks, “How many countries have you got?” to which the reply is “All the countries in the world!”
“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”
“That’s nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive satellite television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!”
“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one… You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”
“Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours!”
Our watchless traveler can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.
The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch!” and then handing the two suitcases over as well he says, “and here are the batteries!”
February 14, 2022
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me with a Network Engineer for a husband. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.
“What’s the point?” my husband, the ever practical IT guy, said. “They die after about a week.”
“So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.”
February 13, 2022
Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
February 11, 2022
A young video gamer nerd who had recently moved out on his own called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother said, “Why don’t you send her a nice note and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”
The gamer thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” the video gamer moaned.
“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”
February 10, 2022
The junior software programmer had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
February 8, 2022
Network Engineer: “This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words.”
Wife: “That’s probably because a woman has to say everything twice.”
Network Engineer: “What?”
February 6, 2022
I am a network engineer who is employed by a network systems integration company that specializes in factory automation.
During a recent business trip to Boeing’s factory in Everett, Washington, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, “14,000 lbs.”
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling that I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: “Remove before flight.”
February 2, 2022
As a high school teacher, I am always on guard against students using technology to circumvent learning. The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper.
He categorically denied doing so.
That led to my next question, “Then, why is this paper in French?”
February 1, 2022
Did you hear about the computer manufacturer that is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
January 31, 2022
Our Network Manager, Jim, had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work, he ran into our CIO, who asked him, “Jim, how are you feeling?”
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,” Jim replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?”
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly say, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!'”
January 28, 2022
A Network Engineer went to New York on a business trip to an IT conference. When the IT conference was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man’s expense, so he asked, “My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?”
The Network Engineer had no idea.
The driver replied, “The third one was ME!”
The IT guy went home to his wife and said to her. “Hey honey, here’s a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?”
His wife was stumped and said, “I don’t know, who?”
The Network Engineer responded, “Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York.”
January 24, 2022
I’m an Assistant Network Manager for a large Data Center, so I have less time than I would prefer to spend with my two teenagers. One time, however, the three of us had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, “Hey Mom…what’s this?”
“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,” I answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
“Well what does it do?” they asked.
“I’ll show you,” I said and returned with a blank piece of paper. I rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
“WOW!” they exclaimed, “that’s really cool…but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”
“There is no plug,” I answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”
“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted.
“It doesn’t need batteries either.” I continued.
“Wow! This is so cool!” they exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”
January 23, 2022
A Senior Network Engineer, on call 24×7 for network emergencies, answers a night time phone call from one of his colleagues.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the IT guy.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, very serious,” said the IT engineer gravely. “There are three network engineers there already.”
January 22, 2022
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical support director and customer service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.
The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, “We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the servers will overheat.”
Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, “Yeah right. So how did they keep the servers from overheating before there was air conditioning?”
January 18, 2022
A confused caller was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it could not find the printer.
The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but his computer still could not see the printer.
January 17, 2022
I was a network systems integration consultant with clients scattered around the country.
One time, mechanical failure on my intended plane meant that I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner, I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”
January 14, 2022
The Three Laws of Secure Computing
1) Don’t buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don’t plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
January 11, 2022
Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.
January 8, 2022
One video gamer was relating a recent episode at home to his buddy.
My girlfriend isn’t the brightest bulb. Yesterday, when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, “What’s your IQ anyway?!”
She shot back defiantly, “20/20!”
January 6, 2022
A young AWS DevOps guy was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”
Our IT guy replied, “Just a minute.”
He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you!”
January 4, 2022
Official sign near entrance to Data Center: “Door Alarmed.”
Hand-printed sign nearby: “Window Frightened.”
January 3, 2022
One caller to our after hours answering service for Technical Support gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”
“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”
Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”
January 1, 2022
Expressions For High Stress Days in the Data Center in 2022:
– You! Off my planet.
– Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
– Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
– Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
– I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
– Allow me to introduce my selves.
– Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
– Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
– I’m just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
– I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
– Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.
– I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
– How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
– I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
– Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
– Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
– Chaos, panic, and disorder–my work here is done.
– Earth is full. Go home.
– Is it time for your medication or mine?
– How do I set a laser printer to stun?
– I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.