IT Jokes: 2021

December 29, 2021

Q: How did the smartphones get married?

A: In a double ring ceremony!

December 28, 2021

My flight home from a recent business trip to a Cybersecurity conference was pretty empty. So the pilot made a simple request of the passengers:

“We have a little extra room tonight, folks,” he said over the PA system. “So if you wouldn’t mind, please take a window seat so the competition thinks the plane is full.”

December 27, 2021

Hank and Al, two 30-something video gamers, were discussing their “busy” schedules.

Hank said, “Al, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what’s your secret?”

“My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o’clock sharp.”

“You wake up at six o’clock?”

“Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours.”

December 23, 2021

An Old Software Programmer’s Christmas Poem from Years Ago

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a widget would function
not even a mouse

You would say “restart”
but you don’t think they’d care
because they know it’s the holidays
and you’ll soon be there

They were probably sleeping all smug in their beds
While palms, printers, and ipods danced in their heads
It was most likely a Saturday in sweats and a cap
When they went to the Best Buy and bought all this crap

You can see it in your head, almost hear the chatter
“We can call you-know who, they’ll know what’s the matter”
“They set up my printer and updated Flash”
“Emptied temp folders and cleaned out my Cache”

“Defragged my harddrive when it started too slow”
“Installed Illustrator on my Mac Book Pro”
“We’re having troubles, but the solution is clear”
“We’ll ask them to fix it, just like last year”

You will take a look, but you warn t’will be quick
You’ll check out the cables, perhaps a few clicks
and just when you thought compatibility was to blame
you learned the drivers for Vista and XP were exactly the same

So you added ClamWin and cancelled their Norton
Because you have your beliefs and open source is important
You can hear the sound of good times in the hall
While you sit at their PC egg nog and all

Then you roll your eyes and look at the sky
when you realize those kids down at Best Buy
Made a big gaffe, no, rather, a goof
when giving them hardware did not ask for proof

That their systems could handle a graphic heavy UI
So their desktop did slow, nary did die
You thought “This is crazy would it be so hard?”
“To give them an upgraded video card?”

Triumphant you emerge hands rubbing your eyes
You hadn’t worked this late since last release nigh’
The irony to the story you can’t help but wonder
How they confused you for a tech, an obvious blunder

You always did tell them “I write applications”
Not “I troubleshoot and fix employee workstations”
But it’s Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever the party
and you’re not going to quibble about something foolhardy

So when your friends and family make their demands
Throwing their keyboards in your tired hands
Remember you love them, put your working knowledge to use
Because it’s only one time each year you tolerate this abuse

December 22, 2021

Q: What do you call a laptop growing on your Christmas fir tree?

A: A pineapple.

December 21, 2021

KEYS TO SUCCESS AT YOUR FIRST JOB IN THE DATA CENTER: Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.

That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you’re regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

December 19, 2021

Jill and Nina were two cybersecurity analysts who worked together in a major retail data center..

One day at lunch in the data center’s cafeteria, Jill complained to Nina, “Mary told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.”

“Well,” replied Nina in a hurt tone, “I told her not to tell you I told her.”

“Oh dear!” sighed Jill. “Well, don’t tell her that I told you that she told me.”

December 16, 2021

Some people studying computer science at a university operated a “bank” of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The “bank” had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.

A computer science student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the “bank” and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.

Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor’s comments, which read, “I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I’m more than pleased to give it one!”

December 15, 2021

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?

The space bar.

December 13, 2021

A network engineer was talking to a systems programmer in the data center:

“My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that ‘help’ you get an erection.

“You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her a bottle of diet pills!

“I’m still looking for a place to live.”

December 12, 2021

A Network Systems Consultant died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk, came down the long line to where the Network Systems Consultant was standing, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the Consultant by the hands, guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The Networking Consultant said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

December 11, 2021

A mathematician, a geneticist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe, watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.

The physicist states: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The geneticist’s conclusion: “They have been cloned.”

The mathematician replies: “If now exactly one person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

December 8, 2021

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He replied that it said “File not found”. So, I told him to do a dir. I then asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.”

I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”. Again he got “File not found”. I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat.'”

December 6, 2021

Our normally milquetoast Network Manager had just finished a self-help book on how to be “the man of the house.”

He stormed in the door of his house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and after I have finished eating, I expect a rich dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director.”

December 4, 2021

One night, a network engineer comes home from a late night updating servers in his data center and finds his wife asleep in bed.

Without turning on a light, he slowly goes over to her side and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

Afterwards, he heads straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he gets there, the light is on and he sees his wife, shaving her legs.

He exclaims, “What are you doing in here?”

She says, “Shhhh!” pointing at the bed, “you’ll wake my mother.”

December 2, 2021

An office worker in the Data Center turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turned on the computer, the computer recognized that there was no keyboard attached and gave a “Keyboard Error” message.

She then called Tech Support and asked, “Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn’t even a keyboard attached?”

November 30, 2021

Networking Equipment Advertising Terms Explained

NEW – Different color from previous model.

ALL NEW – Components are not compatible with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No features for adjustments or optimization.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Power cord fits nicely in socket.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out an application for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE – Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

November 29, 2021

Actual excerpts from IT resumes and cover letters:

* Received a plague for IT Worker of the Year.

* I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail or email.

* Instrumental in ruining entire IT operation for a large chain store.

* I procrastinate, especially when the network engineering task is unpleasant.

* Finished eighth in my Cisco certification class of ten.

* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

November 26, 2021

An office support technician got a call from a user. The user told the IT tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the support tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

November 24, 2021

IT Geek’s Thanksgiving

1. Be thankful you haven’t had a DoS attack recently!

2. Be thankful your primary server isn’t down!

3. Be thankful your favorite IT support chat room isn’t down!

4. Be thankful you don’t have a ransomware infection!

5. Be thankful your ISP isn’t down!

6. Be thankful for a vast selection of quirky Web sites to browse!

7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are on certain sites!

8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn’t gain a pound!

9. Be thankful your 28-year-old cyber-friend really isn’t 72!

10. Be thankful for a 5G Internet connection!

11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

November 22, 2021

Over breakfast one morning, Our Network Manager’s wife said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” our Network Manager indignantly answered, going out the door to his office in a sprawling Data Center.

At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 p.m., a wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

November 21, 2021

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?

A: A microchip off the old block.

November 19, 2021

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

November 15, 2021

Our CIO bought his wife a piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, he was talking to our Network Manager who asks how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” says the CIO, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” the Network Manager asks.

“Well,” the man replies, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing…”

November 14, 2021

Network Engineer:  Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Wife:  Well, dear… Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with “Please wait while your computer shuts down…”

November 13, 2021

The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the church worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it’s done.

But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.

Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all “Marys” to Ednas.” And so it was.

Imagine the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read:

“He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna…”

November 11, 2021

If prisoners could take their own mugshots…

They’d be called cellfies.

November 8, 2021

Our Shipping and Receiving Manager at the large data center where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the Vice President of Network Engineering arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

November 7, 2021

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

November 6, 2021

OK, let’s consider the physical evidence:

The Moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs…the tallest ones, anyway.

November 3, 2021

When texting, what do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

LMAYO

November 2, 2021

A network engineer and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dead to the world, dependent on some machines. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs his computer and the TV.

October 31, 2021

Q: What do video gamers call a prehistoric, flying ghost?

A: A terror-dactyl!

October 28, 2021

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What will you have?”

The rabbit shakes his head and answers, “I have no idea, the only reason that I am here is because of Autocorrect.”

October 27, 2021

Our Network Manager went to buy a birthday gift for his wife during lunch. Some friends and Data Center co-workers had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.” Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

October 25, 2021

I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a Motherboard?”

He said, “I tell her about my job.”

October 23, 2021

The other day, out Network Manager was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect.

The next morning he went and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He attached it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back.”

October 21, 2021

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked “Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The civil engineer interrupted and said “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

October 18, 2021

Did you hear about the Business Intelligence analyst who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

October 17, 2021

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so. They have them aimed at themselves.”

October 16, 2021

Got this Slack message from a co-worker: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

October 14, 2021

I am an IT network systems integrator for small businesses and was traveling through Georgia last summer when I stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men’s room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, “Please Wiggel Handel”.

Below that some wit had written, “If I do, will it Wiggel Bach?”

October 12, 2021

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament in the digital age?

Live stream.

October 11, 2021

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

October 8, 2021

Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.”

He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for a while, then walks back across the street.

The other dog asks, “What was that about?”

The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages.”

October 5, 2021

I have been a professional software developer for years.  I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a programming language that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and French, but your project is to be written in Greek.  Since I don’t understand Greek, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another software development consultant asking, “Why is your client asking us if we’re fluent in Greek?”

October 3, 2021

If you see a message in your email with a subject line of “Badtimes,” delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous malware ever.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer up to 20 feet. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your audio device and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any DVDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother’s number. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940’s hits and static while stuck in traffic.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

“Badtimes” will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. “Badtimes” is an evil virus conceived by evil people. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.

October 1, 2021

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

September 29, 2021

Our Network Manager, the father of five children, won an iPad with educational apps and games installed at an IT conference. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the prize.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?  Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison: “Okay, okay, Dad, you get the toy!”

September 27, 2021

One of our IT guys was on tech support duty in the main network testing lab on a quiet afternoon.  He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.  After about 15 minutes, he noticed that she was still in the same position — only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.  He asked if she needed help and she replied,

“It’s about time!  I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

September 25, 2021

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:

—–
Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.

September 24, 2021

What’s a robot’s favorite snack?

Computer chips.

September 22, 2021

On their second anniversary, our Network Manager used an online florist to send flowers to his wife at the office. On the web submission form, he instructed the service to write “Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!” on the card.

She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”

September 20, 2021

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

September 18, 2021

During a lunch break from my Data Center job, I stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work and I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.

The drive-through cashier said “that’ll be $4.83, please drive forward.”

“$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That’s 54 cents tax! That can’t be right,” my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I’d heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. So I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.

Let’s see … 483/429 … over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said, “$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can’t be right. Can I talk to the manager?” She gave me my change and called the manager.

The manager comes over and I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that’s over 12 percent sales tax.

She said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

“HA!” I thought to myself. “Six years of computer science and engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me.”

I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.

September 15, 2021

A confused video gamer was in a difficult situation: He couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind.

Not willing to give up either, the video gamer strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

September 13, 2021

A mother texting to her son, “John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL”

Son: “Why are you saying LOL?”

Mom: “I am adding Lot’s Of Love.”

Son: “Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!”

Mom: “Gotta go, I have some urgent calls to make…”

September 12, 2021

Our Network Manager, Dave, lost his wife’s audiobook, and now he’ll never hear the end of it.

September 10, 2021

Our software programmers developed an artificial intelligence engine that analyzed today’s Stock Market results and created the following report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

September 7, 2021

Every morning in the data center is the dawn of a new error.

September 4, 2021

As a young IT intern for a high volume manufacturer, I was temporarily assigned to work with the programmers who configured the robotics software for the inline equipment on the factory floor.  At the end of one shift,  I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines’ conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.

I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed,

“Must be one heck of a baby!”

September 2, 2021

A Network Manager at a small, satellite data center for a high tech company was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

The Network Manager smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 technical employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

August 30, 2021

Product developer: “Boss, we really need to stop testing our products on animals.”

Boss: “Why? Shampoo companies do it. Cosmetics companies do it.”

Product developer: “Yeah, but we make fiber optic network cables.”

August 28, 2021

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

August 27, 2021

Two IT executives are standing in line to pay their lunch bill at a restaurant near their Data Center. As soon as it’s their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.

After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, “Mr. Roberts, what do I do if it says ‘rejected’?”

As the networking executives’ faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Roberts walked out from the kitchen.

“Well,” he answered, wiping his hands, “the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip.”

August 24, 2021

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her boyfriend, a longtime unemployed video gamer, “Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”

“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”

August 23, 2021

Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.

August 22, 2021

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

She’s still laughing.

August 17, 2021

If you are a cat owner, here are the Top 5 signs your cat has learned to access the Internet:

5. You are suddenly subscribed to a newsletter called “How to Manipulate Your Owner.”

4. You notice a strangely high number of ads for cat food in bulk.

3. Your online username has been changed to “PurrrfectCitizen.”

2. You start getting book recommendations for a fur grooming course.

1. You get email from some guy named “Fluffy.”

August 16, 2021

“We can stay out late tonight,” one video gamer told his friend. “My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean.”

“Jamaica?” the other video gamer asked.

“No, it was her idea.”

August 14, 2021

Q. What creature has the best aptitude for software engineering?

A. The spider — It has its own website.

August 13, 2021

I was driving home from my network engineering job at the Data Center when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything this time?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”

August 11, 2021

“Nice threads, man,” commented Donald when his fellow network engineer showed up to the Data Center one day in a snappy new suit. “Where’d you pick ’em up?”

Richard beamed. “My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?”

“I’ll say. What was the occasion?”

“Got me,” admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. “I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.”

August 7, 2021

If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?

August 6, 2021

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, “Surely you don’t believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?”

Bohr chuckled. “I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!”

August 5, 2021

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

“Prime mates.”

August 4, 2021

A Network Engineer was selling his house, and decided to use an online real estate sales service. The virtual agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.

After the IT worker read it, he asked the agent, “Have I got all it says here?”

The agent said, “You most certainly have…why do you ask?”

The man replied, “Cancel the sale…it is too good to part with.”

July 31, 2021

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

July 29, 2021

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator.

The Head of Cybersecurity asked me, “So, what makes you suitable for this job?”

“Well,” I replied, “I did hack into your computer and invite myself to this interview…”

July 27, 2021

RUNNING LATE:  Official Glossary for Network Engineers Commuting to the Data Center:

“On the way.” – Still in bed.
“In the car.” – In the shower.
“GPS says 35 min.” – Getting ready.
“There’s traffic.” – Leaving the house.
“Parking now.” – 15 minutes out.
“Can’t find a spot.” – 5 minutes out.
“Walking in.” – Looking for a spot.

July 26, 2021

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

July 23, 2021

I was working in the IT department of a small bank and helping a teller with her PC.  Our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so the deposit wasn’t quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for the manager to secure the bag, she said, “Sorry to hold you up.”

“Delay, delay,” he corrected her. “We don’t use that other phrase.”

July 20, 2021

Military leaders succeed in building a supercomputer enabled with sophisticated Artificial Intelligence and able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

They are assembled a team in front of the new machine and instructed them to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

The team describes a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

July 17, 2021

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. “Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.”

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. “You know, I always wondered about that,” he said.

July 14, 2021

I told my Network Manager that three companies were after me and I needed a raise.

The Network Manager asked, “What companies?”

I replied, “Gas, water and electricity.”

July 13, 2021

Two network engineers are surfing news websites during a break at the office, when one of them says, “This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!”

The second network engineer, not to appear uninterested, responds, “I think they ought to find that woman and stop her.”

July 11, 2021

After Monday and Tuesday, even the week says WTF!

July 9, 2021

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Unplug it!

July 7, 2021

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.

Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the “Print” command.

The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.

The topic?

“Save Our Trees.”

July 6, 2021

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

July 5, 2021

Two software developers in our Network Services department are talking in a park on their lunch break. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”

The second one answers, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one continues, “And see that shiny new car parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”

The second one replies, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one reveals, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”

The second one answers, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one apologizes, “Oh, I’m sorry, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what have you been up to?”

The second one responds, “Well, I’ve just completed a course on politeness.”

The first one asks, “A course on politeness? Why would you spend time on something like that?”

The second one answers, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a darn?’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”

July 3, 2021

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small, deserted island one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands pulled out the message.

“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

July 1, 2021

Our Network Manager retired and was given a set of golf clubs by his staff of networking hardware and software engineers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! NOW you tell me!” said the beginner.

June 28, 2021

While on maternity leave, a network technician from our IT department brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”

“What do you say?” she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

June 27, 2021

A Vice President of Network Management at a large Data Center has to take on some sport, by his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of days his Administrative Assistant asks him how he’s doing.

“It’s going fine,” the network executive says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'”

“Really? What happens then?” the Admin asks.

“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me?'”

June 25, 2021

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some IT people appear bright before you hear them speak.

June 24, 2021

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked my husband, a Network Manager for a large insurance company, for help.

“The word is eight letters long and starts with ‘m’, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.'”

“Monogamy,” he answered.

June 22, 2021

Two network engineers sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the data center.

One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has!  It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

June 19, 2021

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”

Mathematician: “Never.”

Physicist: “In an infinite amount of time.”

Engineer: “Well… in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

June 17, 2021

After an IT conference, a Network Manager, one of his young Network Engineers and a very attractive lady are sitting in the First Class compartment of a high speed train.

Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it’s completely dark.

Then there’s this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the network engineer are sitting as if nothing has happened and the network manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The network manager is thinking, “My network engineer must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

The woman is thinking, “The network manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his network engineer and got slapped for it.”

And the network engineer is thinking, “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!”

June 15, 2021

An accountant, a network engineer and a statistician were interviewing for a middle management position in a data center.  Each of them were asked the same question at the conclusion of the interview: “What is 4 x 5?”

The network engineer replied 20.000 with a 100% certainty factor and 0% tolerance.

The statistician answered that the sample size was too small to make any reliable conclusions.

The accountant looked around, leaned over the desk, and in a whisper asked, “What do you need it to be?”

June 13, 2021

Never trust atoms;  they make up everything.

June 11, 2021

Local Area Network in Australia:  the LAN down under.

June 10, 2021

The new Network Engineer had only been with the data center for a few months when she went in to ask for a raise.

“So soon!” The Network Manager was taken aback. “Certainly not. In this data center you have to work yourself up.”

“I have!” the Network Engineer insisted. “Look at me… I’m trembling all over.”

June 7, 2021

For UI/UX Designers: A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizzas is left.

June 6, 2021

My sister, a network programmer, went to the store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, “I think she’s too young to get married.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because,” she said, “they’ve registered for video games.”

June 3, 2021

I have a very secure job in my company’s data center.

There’s nobody else who would want it.

June 2, 2021

A Network Manager and his Principal Network Engineer were driving their service vehicle across the country and were nearing a town with a strange name. They tried to figure out how to pronounce it and argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the Network Manager asked the employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Reesss, tauuuuu, raaaaant.”

May 30, 2021

This little computer, said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP of Network Engineering said, “Fine, I ll take two.”

May 28, 2021

Two network engineers were talking while waiting for a few servers to boot up. “I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.

“What is it?”

“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”

“What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.

“Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”

“Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other.

The two network engineers couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!”

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”

May 27, 2021

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:

“Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization! IT REALLY WORKS!”

May 26, 2021

Jane purchased her first car, and was having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

“Miss,” the salesperson said, “this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You just give voice commands for whatever type of program you desire.”

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. “Country Music,” she said, and instantly the radio switched to a country station.

After a while she said, “Oldies,” and the radio complied.

A few minutes later, a woman cut her off in traffic.

“Stupid, inconsiderate @#$%&!” Jane yelled.

The radio paused for a second, and then Jane heard a soothing voice say, “Hello again and welcome back to the program. We’ll now continue with our talk show. Today, let’s talk about the benefits of anger management…”

May 24, 2021

A young software developer tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Instagram”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

May 22, 2021

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

May 21, 2021

My husband, Brian, is a computer systems administrator.  He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.

One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network problems, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.

When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.

Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. “Don’t worry,” he said, obviously distracted, “I’ll delete them in a few minutes.”

May 18, 2021

Two female IT workers were shopping on their lunch break. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds in two weeks.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her IT co-worker.

“Not yet,” the first replied, “I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first.”

May 16, 2021

Q: What did one mathematics book say to the other?

A: We’ve got problems.

May 14, 2021

One night a wife found her husband, a young network engineer, standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

May 12, 2021

As a Network Engineer flying from our Data Center in Denver to our Server Farm in Kansas City, Kansas, I was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son.

I couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and I heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”

May 11, 2021

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something.” she suggested.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered.

“No girlfriend? Why not?”

“My wife won’t let me.”

May 9, 2021

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-headed consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

You already unpacked it, didn’t you? You unpacked it and turned it on and fiddled with the buttons, right? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently deep-froze the device for six days. Now let’s talk about it:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the shipping people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR SUE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Sue really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing. It is not without irony that Sue’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will reject your refund claim.

Besides the device, the box should also contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”.

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of cable.

* IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get through half the driveway without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why.” WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry, which, in a continuing effort to improve safety developed this revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small figurines made of chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a handkerchief.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY SANDERS OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT KNOWS SOMEONE WHO HAS FRIENDS THERE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.

Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before midnight, during which time the manufacturer will, at no charge to the owner, send the device to our service people, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.

This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

P.S.  SUE REALLY WANTS THAT ENGAGEMENT RING BACK.

May 7, 2021

Sometimes in the Data Center, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

May 6, 2021

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “close enough.”

May 4, 2021

Our Network Manager came home after an offsite network strategy meeting with the CIO, CTO, and VP of IT and told his wife, “Honey, I swear, we were at this restaurant, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!”

She said she didn’t believe him, so she called the restaurant. “Hello,” she said, “my husband attended a meeting at your location earlier today and I just want to ask you one question. Are your urinals covered in gold?”

To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Jack, I think we found the guy who peed in your saxophone!”

May 3, 2021

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the sales clerk.

“It’s designed to adjust the child to get a job in today’s high tech world, ma’am,” the shop assistant replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

May 2, 2021

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

“Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked.

“I am real,” I said.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?”

April 29, 2021

A young video gamer/city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to appear rugged and manly, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the video gamer tried to begin a conversation, “Say, isn’t that fine-looking bunch of cows over there.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ it’s ‘herd.'”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows!” said the video gamer excitedly, “there’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

April 27, 2021

As most network engineers are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning.

TWAIN, the acronym, stands for “Technology Without An Interesting Name.”

April 26, 2021

A Short History of Medicine – How humanity has treated illness:

Approximately at the beginning of recorded medical history – “Here, eat this root.”

Year 1000 – “That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.”

Year 1800 – “That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.”

Year 1900 – “That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.”

Year 1950 – “That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.”

Year 2021 – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”

April 22, 2021

Last year we had an office intern in our Data Center and he was none too swift.  One day, he was printing out some documents and turned to a nearby network engineer and said, “I’m almost out of printing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

April 21, 2021

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God’s command and “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”

He’s about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now go forth and multiply.”

The snakes reply, “That command doesn’t apply to us.”

Noah shakes his head and asks why.

“We don’t multiply,” said the snakes. “We’re adders.”

April 18, 2021

There was an IT systems integrator who had just completed a huge wide area network installation project for an obscenely rich, venture capitalist’s new, silicon valley start-up company.

When she was leaving the VC’s office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined.

The venture capitalist insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a text message from him: “So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools.”

April 17, 2021

Q: What’s the difference between a car sales rep and a SaaS platform sales rep?

A: The car sales rep can probably drive!

April 15, 2021

Data Center Rules To Live By

1. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

2. It doesn’t matter what you do in the Data Center, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

3. People who go to IT conferences are usually the ones who shouldn’t.

4. When Network Managers talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

5. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

6. You are always doing something insignificant when the CIO drops by your desk.

7. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

8. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

9. The last Network Engineer that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong with the network.

10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

April 12, 2021

Elemental Science for Network Managers and Network Engineers

The heaviest element known to science that is also found in the Data Center is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

April 11, 2021

You have just received the “Kentucky Virus”!!!

As we ain’t got no programmin’ experience, this here Virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

April 9, 2021

At the height of a data theft and ransomware trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked an expert cybersecurity witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The cybersecurity expert witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled cybersecurity expert said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

April 7, 2021

Our Network Manager always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half-inch shorter than his right. A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “you didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

He just looked at me and said, “I stand corrected.”

April 6, 2021

At the Data Center’s water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One network engineer’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?”

April 4, 2021

A 55 year old Network Manager who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.

One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the IT professional withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

April 1, 2021

Q: How does a lumberjack start his computer?

A: By logging on.

March 31, 2021

A woman selling apples in front of a New York financial firm is puzzled by a Network Manager from the company who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple.

This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the Network Manager as he walks away.

“I know why you are chasing after me… you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,” the IT guy says.

The woman replies: “No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up.”

March 28, 2021

Sign in our Data Center’s cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.”

In pencil beneath the sign: “Socks can eat anyplace they want.”

March 26, 2021

During a Computer Science test that I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”

“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling genuinely relieved.

“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class…”

March 25, 2021

A young software developer applied for a job at a new IT company being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new office, the Personnel Officer told the young man, “We need individuals who are totally responsible.”

The young software developer grinned and responded: “Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!”

March 22, 2021

I work in the network engineering department of a large data center and my Network Manager has an open door policy when it comes to pet dogs.  However, the dog and the dog owner must first pass a special series of training sessions,  At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

March 20, 2021

Imagine a restaurant visit was like getting tech support – it might go something like this:

Patron: “Waiter!”

Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your support waiter. What seems to be the problem?”

Patron: “There’s a fly in my soup!”

Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.”

Patron: “No, it’s still there.”

Waiter: “Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.”

Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”

Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?”

Patron: “A SOUP bowl!”

Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?”

Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!”

Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”

Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”

Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”

Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?”

Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”

Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?”

Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”

Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now!”

The waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: “Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.”

Patron: “This is potato soup.”

Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.”

Patron: “Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.”

The waiter leaves.

Patron: “Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!”

The check:
Soup of the Day…$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…$2.50
Access to support…$1.00

March 17, 2021

Have you heard about the Celtic folk music band called 1023MB?

If not, it’s probably because they haven’t got a gig yet…

March 16, 2021

For Math Wizards:

Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?

Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

March 15, 2021

My wife told me she didn’t understand the science behind cloning.

I replied, “That makes two of us.”

March 10, 2021

Two young cybersecurity analysts sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way — “Take a clean dish…”

March 8, 2021

Q:  What happens if you get a gigabyte?

A:  It megahertz.

March 7, 2021

A Nigerian man was found dead in his apartment with $45 million in cash.

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

March 6, 2021

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture to our IT team with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked a systems programmer from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the IT guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

March 4, 2021

File under Quantum Dining:

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

March 3, 2021

Ben, a network engineer, came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the Network Manager waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Ben?” the Network Manager asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Ben sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my clothes are still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Stark’s helicopter, landed on top of his skyscraper, and ran over here.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Ben,” said the Network Manager, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

March 1, 2021

Our large IT company had an outdoor picnic with live music one summer.  A band director was standing outside on a metal ladder during the performance, when a thunderstorm broke out.

Amazingly, he wasn’t hit by lightning, but the music was awful – it seems he just wasn’t a very good conductor.

February 25, 2021

Ben, an intensely musical individual, was burdened with a brother-in-law who had the virtue of being a successful CIO at a major ISP, but who was undeniably the least cultured person in town. Ben found this very humiliating and labored to introduce the poor creature to the finer things in life.

At last, through much effort, Ben persuaded his brother-in-law to accompany him to a presentation of the opera ‘Carmen’. He held his breath, fearing some last minute event would spoil everything, but the day came and Ben and his brother-in-law actually entered the opera house and took their places in an excellent box.

To Ben’s satisfaction the opera seemed to catch his brother-in-law’s fancy at once. He listened open-mouthed and round-eyed, following every move and absorbing every note.

Ben was absolutely triumphant when, as they were leaving the theater, his brother-in-law was singing under his breath, “To-ray-a-dor-uh, guard-un! To-ray-a-dor, To-ray-a-dor!”

Ben said, beaming, “So you like the Toreador Song, do you?”

His brother-in-law replied with excitement, “Of course I do! And, as a practical, IT executive, I’m not afraid of making a prediction, either. I’m telling you, that song’s going to be a hit!”

February 24, 2021

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide.

February 22, 2021

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The nurse asked for my height and weight and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”

February 21, 2021

A student engineer in the Network Management department of our insurance company’s Data Center got engaged.  On the first day she wore her ring, none of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said, “Wow! It’s so warm in here today, I think I’ll take off my ring.”

February 18, 2021

Lunching with a co-worker in a fast-food restaurant across the street from our Data Center, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.

“She even called me every dirty name in the book!” I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.

One said to the other, “There’s a book?”

February 16, 2021

A successful blogger received this note from a subscriber:

“My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the latest post in your blog about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your blog.”

February 12, 2021

I had to travel to a Network Engineering conference the day after my honeymoon, so I decided to purchase a gift for my new wife.

At an airport gift shop, I found a coffee mug imprinted with the words, “I love you” inside a beautiful red heart. Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it wrapped.

She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug.

It read, “Grandpa.”

February 10, 2021

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up on the internet.

The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and share copies of silly hoaxes relating to all kinds of topics. “These are not just people who follow all advice found in horoscopes,” a spokesman said. “Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner.”

However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. One weeping victim reported, “When I first heard about those things, I just accepted them without question. After all, there were dozens of other people believing it, so I thought the virus must be true.”

Now, however, she is spreading the word. “Challenge and check whatever you read,” she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to share multiple copies of such stories with others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, “I read somewhere that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo.” Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.

Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by reminding others what to watch out for.

For every unbelievable message you share with some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.

February 9, 2021

Imagine the following situation in your Data Center: You need to leave a meeting in a new office building because you have to use the bathroom.

While you’re sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

“Congratulations! You’ve won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.”

You look left and it reads: “Look Right.”

You look right and it reads: “Look Left.”

February 7, 2021

Two young men applied for a software engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the network manager.

Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question.

The network manager went up to one of the guys and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

The software engineer said, “But why, we both got nine questions right?”

The network manager said, “We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.”

The software engineer asked, “And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The network manager replied, “Simple, the other software engineer put down on question number five, ‘I don’t know,’ and you put down, ‘Neither do I.'”

February 5, 2021

The network server that I manage for my company made a funny sound the other day.

Of course, I’ve never heard it get thrown out a window before.

February 3, 2021

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher:

“I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, and I’ll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!”

February 1, 2021

A programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor. So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter button….

January 31, 2021

Two blond video gamers were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear end.

“Dude, why is the back end higher than the front?” the first blond video gamer asked.

“Don’t you know ANYTHING?” the second blond video gamer sighed exasperated. “If you’ve got the back up like that, then you’re always going downhill!”

January 29, 2021

I am a Network Manager for a large insurance company Data Center and I had an emotional experience during lunch with my network engineers today. No, I was not eating at Hooters. I was at the employee cafeteria eating a salad my wife had made for me. How can a salad move a man? Well, vegetables are high in fiber… just kidding. Take a look at the ingredients in this thing that was made for me at 6 a.m.:

Red onion, chopped mushrooms, chopped green olives, sliced radish, sliced cucumber, shaved carrots, a bit of purple cabbage, chopped broccoli, cubed cheddar cheese, crumbled feta cheese, sliced green pepper, sliced tomatoes, lettuce and those little wrinkled bright green peppers that squirt all over when you bite into them. She also sent along a small bottle of Newman’s Own Balsamic and Vinaigrette dressing.

I was so touched by her effort that I called my wife afterward to thank her for taking the time to lovingly wash, cut, slice, dice and shave all of these things.

She said, “No problem. I had to get rid of all that stuff anyway. It was going bad.”

January 28, 2021

If it’s green or wriggles, it’s biology.

If it stinks, it’s chemistry.

If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

– Handy Guide to Science

January 25, 2021

In case you need ideas for a voicemail greeting, here are two suggestions:

1. “You know what I hate about voicemail greetings? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “I’m currently not available, please leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long voicemail greeting when you call me…”

2. “Hi! John’s phone is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

January 22, 2021

To the guy who discovered infinity:

Thanks for everything.

January 20, 2021

I was a newly hired software engineer and before I could enroll in my IT company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?”

January 19, 2021

Interviewer to High Tech Millionaire: “To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”

High Tech Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”

High Tech Millionaire: “A Billionaire.”

January 13, 2021

Software Engineering Terms and Their Translations

NEW: Different screen colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM: We just hired three kids out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

January 11, 2021

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:  LSD and UNIX.

We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

January 9, 2021

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady, shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: “Did you check to see whether the power was on?”

“Of course.”

DED: “Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?”

“Of course.”

DED: Then why are you calling me?” “Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty,” pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

“Of course there is,” replied the DED, “But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover.”

January 7, 2021

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

January 4, 2021

Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?

A: Had a byte!

January 3, 2021

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant:

“I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it’s got to be simple enough for his father to play, too.”

January 1, 2021

All of the atoms in our bodies were forged in either the Big Bang, or in the hearts of stars.

Why don’t we use authentic atoms?