IT Jokes: 2020
December 28, 2020
What I don’t like about IT department Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.
December 24, 2020
A Software Programmer’s Christmas Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a widget would function
not even a mouse
You would say “restart”
but you don’t think they’d care
because they know it’s the holidays
and you’ll soon be there
They were probably sleeping all smug in their beds
While palms, printers, and ipods danced in their heads
It was most likely a Saturday in sweats and a cap
When they went to the Best Buy and bought all this crap
You can see it in your head, almost hear the chatter
“We can call you-know who, they’ll know what’s the matter”
“They set up my printer and updated Flash”
“Emptied temp folders and cleaned out my Cache”
“Defragged my hard drive when it started too slow”
“Installed Illustrator on my Mac Book Pro”
“We’re having troubles, but the solution is clear”
“We’ll ask them to fix it, just like last year”
You will take a look, but you warn t’will be quick
You’ll check out the cables, perhaps a few clicks
and just when you thought compatibility was to blame
you learned the drivers for Vista and XP were exactly the same
So you added ClamWin and cancelled their Norton
Because you have your beliefs and open source is important
You can hear the sound of good times in the hall
While you sit at their PC egg nog and all
Then you roll your eyes and look at the sky
when you realize those kids down at Best Buy
Made a big gaffe, no, rather, a goof
when giving them hardware did not ask for proof
That their systems could handle a graphic heavy UI
So their desktop did slow, nary did die
You thought “This is crazy would it be so hard?”
“To give them an upgraded video card?”
Triumphant you emerge hands rubbing your eyes
You hadn’t worked this late since last release nigh’
The irony to the story you can’t help but wonder
How they confused you for a tech, an obvious blunder
You always did tell them “I write applications”
Not “I troubleshoot and fix employee workstations”
But it’s Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever the party
and you’re not going to quibble about something foolhardy
So when your friends and family make their demands
Throwing their keyboards in your tired hands
Remember you love them, put your working knowledge to use
Because it’s only one time each year you tolerate this abuse
December 23, 2020
Why Women in the Data Center Would Love Being Santa Claus
1. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the 0ffice.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert’s and consider it a job requirement.
4. One big black belt – accessorized for life!
5. There’d be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren’t.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled… that is when you giggled… like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You’d always work in sensible footwear.
9. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’, would remind everyone who’s boss.
10. You wouldn’t need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine… you’d just snack on milk and cookies all day.
14. You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You’d be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.
18. You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they’d better not pout.
December 21, 2020
They say that the new super computer knows everything.
A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer ran for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father is in San Diego.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband is in San Diego. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
December 17, 2020
Network Manager’s Call to Wife:
“Honey it’s me. I don’t want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn’t heal quickly.”
However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I’m in room 406 at Baptist East.
Wife’s Response: “Who is Paula?”
And if you find that hard to believe, you’ve never been married.
December 15, 2020
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel during a major IT conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.
“What happened?” he asked.
I said, “I was attacked by a flying saucer.”
December 14, 2020
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
“Start with a capital S, then 1984,” she shouted back.
We tried S1984 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start1984.'”
December 11, 2020
Weight Control in the Data Center
Here’s a quick guide to calorie-burning activities for IT professionals that do not require physical exercise, and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush – 75
Jumping to conclusions – 100
Passing the buck – 25
Throwing your weight around – 50-300 (depending on your weight)
Dragging your heels – 100
Pushing your luck – 250
Making mountains out of molehills – 500
Hitting the nail on the head – 50
Bending over backwards – 75
Jumping on the bandwagon – 200
Running around in circles – 350
Climbing the ladder of success – 750
Pulling out the stops – 75
Wrapping it up at the day’s end – 12
To which you may want to add some additional activities, including:
Opening a can of worms – 50
Starting the ball rolling – 90
Putting your foot in your mouth – 300
And finally
Picking up the pieces after – 350
December 10, 2020
A Network Manager goes in to see a psychologist and says, “It seems I can’t make any friends and I have no idea why. Can you help me, you ignorant fool?”
December 7, 2020
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
December 4, 2020
I. T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form
1. Describe your problem: ______________________________
2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes,’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?____________
15. Do you reboot? Yes__ No__
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ________________________________
17. If ‘nothing,’ explain why you were logged in: ___________________
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________
20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
December 2, 2020
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom at the Computer Science building on campus: “Will the computer science students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the three hundred students who went to move seven cars return to class.”
November 30, 2020
Q: How many Cisco Networking support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”
November 28, 2020
72-year-old Edgar, a retired network engineer, recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think I’ll live to be 100?”
The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said, “I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar, the former network engineer, and said, “Then why the heck do you want to live to be 100?”
November 25, 2020
Geek’s Thanksgiving
1. Be thankful you haven’t been overwhelmed by spam!
2. Be thankful your server isn’t down!
3. Be thankful your favorite social media site isn’t down!
4. Be thankful you don’t have the latest, greatest virus!
5. Be thankful your laptop isn’t down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are on many sites!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn’t gain a pound!
9. Be thankful that your 28-year-old cyberfriend really isn’t 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you malware today!!
November 24, 2020
I was an IT guy for a local hospital and had a strong interest in sports. As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”
November 20, 2020
Q: How many SAP executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
November 18, 2020
A programmer, who was a skinny, little guy, gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little programmer starts to feel a little airsick, but there are no sick bags left and he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little programmer. He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. “So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”
November 15, 2020
Q: How many overeager MIS interns does it take to put in a light bu…
A: Done!
November 14, 2020
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two American network engineers are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two network engineers continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American network engineer turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other network engineer. “That guy knew four foreign languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
November 12, 2020
Generation X Office Lingo from the 1990’s and early 2000’s
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
Elvis Year: The peak year of something’s or someone’s popularity. Example: “Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993.”
404: Someone who’s clueless. “Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404.” From the WWW error message “404 Not Found,” meaning the requested document couldn’t be located.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a big mistake.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
November 10, 2020
What’s an alien’s favorite computer key?
The space bar!
November 9, 2020
Country Computer Technology
1. Log on – Make the wood stove hotter.
2. Log off – Don’t add no more wood.
3. Monitor – Keep an eye on that wood stove.
4. Download – Getting the firewood off the truck.
6. Ram – The thing that splits the firewood.
7. Hard Drive – Getting home in the winter.
8. Prompt – What the mail ain’t in the winter.
9. Window – What to shut when it’s cold outside.
10. Screen – What to shut in black fly season.
11. Byte – What the black flies do.
12. Bit – What the black flies did.
13. Megabyte – What the BIG black flies do during trout season.
14. Chip – Munchies for TV.
15. Microchip – What’s left in the bag after you eat the chips.
18. Laptop – Where your drink spills when you pass out.
19. Software – The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
20. Hardware – Real stainless steel cutlery.
21. Mouse – What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.
22. Mainframe – What holds the house up, hopefully.
23. Enter – The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.
24. Web – What a spider makes.
25. Website – High corners of the ceiling and walls.
26. Cursor – Someone who swears.
27. Search Engine – What you do when the car dies.
28. Screen Saver – A repair kit for the torn window screen.
29. Home Page – A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods.
30. Upgrade – Steep hill.
31. Server – A waitress.
32. Mail Server – A male waitress (very few in these parts).
35. User – The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
36. Browser – A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch.
37. Network – Mending holes in the fishing net.
38. Internet – Complicated fish net repair method.
40. Online – A good sign that there’ll be clean clothes next week.
41. Offline – The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.
November 7, 2020
Years ago, some Boeing IT employees trouble-shooting wifi networking on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
November 4, 2020
A Computer Science professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once time was over, the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.”
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got back his test and $56 change.
November 2, 2020
Our Network Manager was returning from a technical conference and couldn’t find his luggage at the airport baggage area. So, he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags never showed up.
She smiled and told him not to worry because she was a trained professional and he was in good hands. “Now,” she asked him, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
November 1, 2020
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data.
October 30, 2020
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed… Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
October 28, 2020
A Network Manager and his network engineering team had just finished a major re-wiring project at an out-of-state server farm when a phone on a bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.
“Hi honey, are you at the jobsite?” said the woman on the other end.
“Yes,” replied the Network Manager.
“I was just calling to ask you if my sister can come and stay with us for the next month or so?”
The man thought about it for a second and said, “Yeah sure, why not?”
The woman continued, “And would you mind if my sister’s best friend came too?”
The Network Manager thought a little harder and said, “If you’d like to have her stay with us I’m OK with it.”
The woman continued again. “Oh, one last thing, honey, my mother asked if she can come visit. She also wants to bring her two dogs, I hope you don’t mind?”
The man got a frown on his face and said, “OK, but your mother has to find a place to put her dogs while she’s with us. I can’t have two dogs in the house with all those people around.”
The woman responded, “Okay honey, I’ll tell her that. Thank you so much! I’ll see you at home! Bye!”
“Bye,” said the man.
The Network Manager hung up the phone, looked at the other IT staff in the area and said, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
October 26, 2020
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your jack-o’-lantern by it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
October 24, 2020
BELL LABS PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS!
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs
don’t emit light; they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark
suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesman from the Labs,
proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of
light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take
for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark
right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker,
the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have
a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.
As with all things, dark suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of
dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full
dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the
first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating
candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark
flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have
a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can’t handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid
wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus
it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice
it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to a man’s advantage. We can
collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it
through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push it to the
ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more
difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians
recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe
traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly,
so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the
flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its
way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an
illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the
door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark
is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much
easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
October 22, 2020
Our network services company had a retreat for its employees at a large resort.
Teeing off on the 12th hole at the resort’s golf course, my Network Engineering team stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my co-worker reached for his wallet, he said to her, “You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”
Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, “Oh, thank you so much!”
The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. “Watch this,” our Network Manager whispered. He walked up to her and said, “Wow, you look great. You must work out a lot.”
“Yeah,” she replied flatly. “You should try it.”
October 20, 2020
“My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people.”
“Then what does it do?”
“Why would it need to do anything else?”
–Dogbert, Dilbert
October 17, 2020
A network engineer and his co-worker were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.
“Look, a scale,” the network engineer said to his friend. “Let’s see how my new diet is working out.”
He stepped on the scale.
“I can’t believe it!” he said as he read the result. “I’ve been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I’m heaver than I was before! How can that be?”
He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. “Here, hold my jacket,” he said.
The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.
Not much change.
“Here,” he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. “Hold my Twinkies too.”
October 15, 2020
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night.”
October 14, 2020
An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
Not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps the SecOps people away.
October 12, 2020
I couldn’t sleep the night Microsoft Vista was released: There were windows crashing everywhere.
October 10, 2020
Getting away from their high-stress jobs as network administrators for a large financial services company, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
October 8, 2020
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies: “Yes!”
October 6, 2020
“I was in a very generous mood today,” a systems programmer says to her co-worker in the Data Center. “I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” says her co-worker, “what did your husband say?”
“He said, ‘Thank you.'”
October 5, 2020
While visiting MIT in Cambridge, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.
“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the engineering upperclassmen ask the engineering freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”
When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: “So, what’s the answer?”
The guide replied: “One.”
October 2, 2020
Our Network Manager had a network engineering position open at one of his server farms and asked job seekers to fill out an online application.
Under “Salary Expected,” one candidate wrote “Friday.”
September 30, 2020
To save time for the Network Engineering department of the Data Center and yourself, please give your excuse by number. The list below covers most situations.
1. That’s the way we’ve always configured it.
2. I didn’t know you were in a hurry for it.
3. That’s not in my department.
4. No one told me to go ahead.
5. I’m waiting for an OK.
6. How did I know this was different?
7. That is his job, not mine.
8. Wait till the Network Manager comes back and ask him.
9. I forgot.
10. I didn’t think it was very important.
11. I’m so busy that I just can’t get around to it.
12. I thought I told you!
September 28, 2020
An unscrupulous IT consultant was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal.”
“Could you give me a pen and paper?” asked the nasty IT consultant.
“Do you want to write your will?”
“No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite.”
September 26, 2020
The other day my computer crashed.
Luckily there were no injuries.
September 25, 2020
A network engineer, who worked in the IT department at a fire hydrant factory, was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss, the Network Manager, the engineer explained: “You can’t park anywhere near this place!”
September 22, 2020
I came home one night from my programming job at a large software company and my wife was crying.
I said, “what’s wrong?”
She said, “I’m home sick.”
I said, “But, this IS your home.”
“I know,” she replied, “and I’m sick of it!”
September 21, 2020
Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”
September 18, 2020
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep.
The engineer says: “What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black,” replies the experimental physicist.
The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says, “Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.”
“Well,” the philosopher responds, “on one side, anyway.”
September 17, 2020
I was complaining at our customer service depot the other day to a fellow network engineer about the knot in my tie. “These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un-stylish,” I complained.
He asked, “Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?”
I replied, “It doesn’t matter if you Windsor knot, it’s how you play the game!”
September 15, 2020
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
September 13, 2020
What was the computer’s best pickup line?
“Nice bits…”
September 12, 2020
One day my housework-challenged, Network Manager husband, decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
“M.I.T.,” he yelled back.
September 10, 2020
During a recent password audit by a Fortune 500 company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”
When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”
On reflection, that almost makes perfect sense.
September 7, 2020
I was in the data center’s employee kitchen this morning fixing myself a cup of coffee when two software engineers walked in and started talking about a box of snacks that was sitting on the kitchen counter.
“These look good,” the first software developer said.
“Oh yeah, you’ll like them,” the second software developer said, “they’re mostly nuts.”
“What are they, some kind of health bar?”
“No, they’re sweet, and sticky.”
“That sounds just like my ex-girlfriend,” I interjected.
“What? Sweet and sticky?” they asked.
“No,” I answered, “mostly nuts.”
September 6, 2020
Why was the computer so good at golf?
Because it had a hard drive!
September 4, 2020
A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying:
“I’m arresting you for impersonating an office, sir”
September 2, 2020
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.
He replied, “I still love Vista, baby”.
September 1, 2020
Three dinosaurs come across a magical lamp. The first dinosaur rubs it and a genie appears.
“I have three wishes. One for each of you,” the genie says.
The first dinosaur doesn’t hesitate before his request “All right, I’ll have a big, juicy piece of meat.” Immediately, a big, juicy piece of meat appears in front of him.
Instantly envious, the second dinosaur speaks up. “Well, I want a shower of meat!” As soon as he utters his wish, a shower of meat rains down upon him.
The third dinosaur, not to be outdone, has to think for a second about what could possibly be better than a shower of meat.
“Aha, I’ve got it!” he proclaims. “I’ll have a meatier shower!”
August 30, 2020
Math fans:
Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
A: Beer!
August 28, 2020
A young network engineer was walking to work at a major data center in the city. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting, “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen,” over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn’t. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, “Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen…”
August 26, 2020
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.
“Why don’t you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?” another friend suggested.
“I thought of that,” he replied. “But my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it.”
August 24, 2020
John lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked as a SysAdmin in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night.
One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby bar.
When he got back to the pier, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. John, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”
August 23, 2020
I started a band called “1023 Megabytes” – We still haven’t gotten a gig.
August 21, 2020
Things heard by tech support in the early years:
Customer: “I have Microword Soft.”
Customer: “Microwave Windows?”
Customer: “Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?”
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) “I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn’t help.”
Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
Customer: “I have Microscope Exploiter.”
Customer: “I have Netscape Complicator.”
Customer: “I have Netscape Regulator.”
Customer: “Uhh…I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure.”
Customer: “I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem.”
Customer: “It’s not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive.”
August 19, 2020
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Network Engineer: “Honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Network Engineer: “I don’t really give a crap what you think.”
August 18, 2020
Chain Letter 2020
The Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence project (SETI) just announced it has decoded the first transmission to originate from another civilization:
“Simply send 6.023 times 10 to the 23 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!
IT REALLY WORKS!”
August 17, 2020
What does a shark and a computer have in common?
They both have MegaBites.
August 15, 2020
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home, and I took my computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, “What’s the wifi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll have a beer.”
Bartender: “We have Molsons Canadian on tap.”
Me: “Sure. How much is that?”
Bartender: “$8.00.”
Me: “Ok. Here you are. What’s the wifi password”
Bartender: “youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.”
August 13, 2020
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he wrist in peach.
August 10, 2020
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You’ve got male!”
August 9, 2020
Did you hear about the claustrophobic NASA astronaut?
Turns out he just need some space!
August 7, 2020
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
August 5, 2020
A NASA scientist/astronaut in the space station was asked by a reporter back at home, “How do you feel?”
“How would you feel,” the astronaut replied, “if you were stuck here, on top of thousands or even millions of parts, each one supplied by the lowest bidder?”
August 3, 2020
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
USB.
August 2, 2020
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”
July 30, 2020
Network Manager’s Wife: “You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?”
Network Manager: “No thanks. I’m too tired. Let’s just eat at home.”
July 28, 2020
I am a network engineer and my company specializes in setting up fiber optic LAN’s and WAN’s in rural, industrial and other difficult networking environments.
I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men’s room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, “Please Wiggel Handel”.
Below that some wit had written, “If I do, will it wiggel Bach?”
July 27, 2020
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
July 26, 2020
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you…
…an iWitness?!
July 24, 2020
An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!”
“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.
“I send him to MY room!”
July 22, 2020
Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through their engineers.
July 20, 2020
My husband is a heads-down embedded software engineer known for his brutal honesty in all matters.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
July 18, 2020
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, “Not now.”
July 15, 2020
A designer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type in here.”
A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we’ll consider adding them later.”
A drunk Elm programmer walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dysfunctional programmers.”
Finally, a QA engineer walks into the bar, orders a beer, ten beers, 2.5 million beers, a dog, and leaves without paying.
July 14, 2020
Two software developers, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First software developer: “My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the postman to come around and then he takes the mail and brings it to me.”
Second software developer: “I know.”
First software developer: “How?”
Second software developer: “My dog told me.”
July 11, 2020
Q: How many Computer Science graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take her/him more than five years to do it.
July 9, 2020
Our Network Manager left the Data Center, walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, “Perfect timing. You’re just Like Andy.”
Cabbie: “Who?”
Network Manager: “Andy Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andy Sullivan, every single time.”
Cabbie: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Network Manager: “Not Andy Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Cabbie: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Network Manager: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andy Sullivan, he could do everything right.”
Cabbie: “Wow. Some guy then.”
Network Manager: “Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andy Sullivan.”
Cabbie: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Network Manager: “Well, I never actually met Andy. He died. I’m married to his damned widow.”
July 8, 2020
I love the smell of my F5 key. It’s very refreshing.
July 6, 2020
During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our Data Center’s employees’ lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as “extra” money.
“Yes, there is,” our Network Manager retorted. “It’s what you have right before your car breaks down.”
July 3, 2020
Our CIO boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
“This is the Bexfield diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Bexfield.”
July 1, 2020
Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten: “1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.”
June 29, 2020
A group of junior-level MIS executives were participating in a data center management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
“For instance,” he said, “if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?”
The answers from the group were unanimous: “Two.”
“Wrong,” replied the speaker, “there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping.”
June 28, 2020
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a strong connection.
June 26, 2020
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
June 23, 2020
A network engineer came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a teddy.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.
June 22, 2020
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human? Ask Boeing.
June 21, 2020
The IT technical support company that my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working remotely late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”
The caller would often reply with something like, “But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.)
June 17, 2020
One year, two computer science students took a machine learning class at the University and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms – so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the final being on Monday, they decided to go out to party with some friends. They had a great time.
However, they overslept and didn’t make it to the exam in time. Rather than taking the final then, they found the professor afterwards and explained to him how they missed it.
They told him they went away for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare. They couldn’t fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first neural network problem which was something simple; it was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.”
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. The question contained only two words: (95 points) “Which tire?”
June 15, 2020
I had just stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work and I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.
The drive-through cashier said “that’ll be $4.83, please drive forward.”
“$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That’s 54 cents tax! That can’t be right,” my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I’d heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. So I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.
Let’s see … 483/429 … over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said, “$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can’t be right. Can I talk to the manager?” She gave me my change and called the manager.
The manager comes over and I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that’s over 12 percent sales tax.
She said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
“HA!” I thought to myself. “Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me.”
I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.
June 12, 2020
One day, a systems analyst in a large data center received an unusually large paycheck. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was short the overpayment she received the previous week. So she confronted her boss about it.
“How come,” her boss inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the systems analyst replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but two in a row is getting unacceptable!”
June 11, 2020
Two network engineers are talking. One of them asks the other, “How long have you been working here?”
The other network engineer replies, “Since they threatened to fire me.”
June 10, 2020
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
June 8, 2020
Yo mama so stupid, that when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.
June 5, 2020
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The computer science student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
June 3, 2020
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
June 1, 2020
Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.
“A phone book?” asked her friend.
“You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.”
“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”
May 29, 2020
Some data center workers asked the secret of our Network Manager’s long marriage. He and his wife take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays, he goes Fridays.
May 27, 2020
Q: Why did the network server need a jacket?
A: Because it kept freezing.
May 24, 2020
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of AutoCorrect.”
May 23, 2020
Two network engineers, George and John, decided to go out for a drink after a particularly hard day in the data center. Sitting in the bar, George asked his 40-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay if she is crazy.”
May 22, 2020
My co-worker and I are software developers at a large life insurance firm. He and I were having a drink at a local restaurant when my colleague spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After a half hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No, I won’t go home with you tonight!”
With everyone in the restaurant staring, my co-worker crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs my co-worker replied, “What do you mean, two hundred dollars?!”
May 20, 2020
A local business was looking for admin help for its network manager. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the network manager. The network manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the computer and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He printed out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went back to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the network manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The network manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”
May 18, 2020
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet!
May 17, 2020
“Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company.”
“Would you spell that, please?”
“Certainly. That’s C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. and Y as in you.”
“Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with my supervisor.”
May 15, 2020
A telecommunications installation and repair technician just returned from traveling around the USA for his employer for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them.
It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go.”
He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go”
He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same.
This time he asked, “Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?”
The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a Red light on the top and a Green light on the bottom…”
May 13, 2020
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
May 10, 2020
Your momma is so stupid she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
May 8, 2020
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123.'”
May 6, 2020
These two Java strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first Java string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second Java string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”
May 4, 2020
An IT mission statement is defined as “a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates MIS management’s inability to think clearly.”
All good Data Centers have one.
April 30, 2020
As I drove into the parking lot of the data center where I worked, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female co-worker.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to my co-worker’s side to see if she was all right.
“I’m fine,” she assured me, “but if that dog hadn’t honked…”
April 29, 2020
A colleague on the software development team of the large insurance company that I worked for always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, the programmer refused, telling me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.
Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half-inch shorter than his right. A bit of orthopedic surgery later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
“So,” I said, “you didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”
He just looked at me and said, “I stand corrected.”
April 27, 2020
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
April 26, 2020
Learning that several of his data center employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during lunch hours, a CIO issued the following memo:
To All Employees:
If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey. It is much better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid.
April 20, 2020
My mobile phone was stolen so after spending 30 minutes finding the customer service number on the mobile company web site I called to report my stolen phone.
[Support] Hello, thanks for calling how may I help you?
[Me] I am calling to report my mobile phone is stolen.
[Support] I am very sorry to hear your phone is lost or stolen.
[Me] Your web site makes if VERY difficult to find you customer service number.
[Support] May I suggest next time calling *611 from your mobile phone.
[Me] I would except my phone is stolen!
[Support] Sorry Sir…
April 19, 2020
I was going to make a chemistry joke this morning but the good ones Argon
April 18, 2020
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk by the local park..
Yes, that’s right.
She sells C cells by the seesaw.
April 16, 2020
The classically-minded among us may recall an old TV ad for Microsoft’s Internet Explorer e-mail program which used the musical theme of the “Confutatis Maledictis” from Mozart’s Requiem.
“Where do you want to go today?” was the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings “Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,” which means “The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.”
April 13, 2020
“Knock, knock. Who’s there?”
(very long pause…)
“Java.”
April 10, 2020
Our CIO sent an inquiry to a small hotel in a Midwestern town that he planned to visit on his next vacation. He emailed: “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to allow me to keep him in my room at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
April 9, 2020
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
April 8, 2020
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many lifeguards were on the beach at the time, but the programmer was shouting, “F1! F1!” and nobody understood it.
April 6, 2020
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in network technical support,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.”
The man below says: “You must be in IT management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
April 3, 2020
If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
April 2, 2020
You Might Be An Engineer If…
* You know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
* You chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
* You’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
* You frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
* You have a pet named after a scientist.
* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
* You can translate English into binary.
* You can’t remember what’s behind the door at the lab that says “Exit.”
* You avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
* You consider ANY non-engineering course “easy.”
* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.
* You’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
* The blinking 12:00 or wrong time on someone’s microwave draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
* The salesperson at Best Buy can’t answer any of your questions.
* You can’t help eavesdropping in computer stores… and correcting the salesperson.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
* You’ve even calculated how much you make per second.
* Your favorite James Bond character is “Q”.
* You understood more than five of these jokes.
March 31, 2020
8 bytes walk into a bar, the bartenders asks “What will it be?”
One of them says, “Make us a double.”
March 29, 2020
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
March 27, 2020
A network manager comes home from work in the data center one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the techie panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The network manager stumbles around and says, “No.. umm.. no.. I didn’t. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”
March 25, 2020
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.
When asked to email over his college transcript, the student told me, “Well, I would, but it’s the only copy I have.”
March 24, 2020
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.
March 21, 2020
Real programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
March 19, 2020
Q: Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
A: He was looking for the space bar!
March 17, 2020
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And she disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her,
And send her back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas & Grandpas,
Nannas & Papas, who have been fearless
and learned to use the Computer…
They are the greatest!!!
March 14, 2020
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
The first method is far more difficult.
March 11, 2020
Real programmers don’t work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9:00am it’s because they were up all night.
March 10, 2020
Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband, a software developer, smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.”
I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights!”
March 6, 2020
A Vice President of IT Cyber Security who had a dinner speaking engagement was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, the IT VP complained, “I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?”
The man said, “No problem.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them on. “Too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair — try these.”
The speaker tried them on and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all. He said, “I have one more pair. Try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.”
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the VP of IT Cyber Security went to thank the man who had helped him.
“I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker.”
March 4, 2020
Why did the geek add body { padding-top: 1000px; } to his Facebook profile?
He wanted to keep a low profile.
March 2, 2020
I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
March 1, 2020
Two network engineers sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.
One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be a software engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”
February 28, 2020
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol…
February 27, 2020
Some of my friends in the U.K. started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. “We have to call it Imagination,” one passionate participant cried out.
Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, “Are you sure you want your business card to read ‘Imagination, Limited’?”
February 24, 2020
Why did the software developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache.
February 23, 2020
Our Supply Clerk at the server farm where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
February 22, 2020
What do you call 8 Hobbits?
A Hobbyte.
February 19, 2020
Harry was in the hospital. He was a former senior network analyst but now an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronizing tone, “And how are we doing this morning?”
Well, this is a story of revenge. After Harry had received breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, “It seems we are a little cloudy today…”
At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drank its contents, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.”
February 17, 2020
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television…and later to the remote control. Technology marches on!
February 15, 2020
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they can’t C#.
February 13, 2020
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife’s email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband’s relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.
The woman’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife:
I’ve just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here!
February 11, 2020
A video gamer who had recently moved out on his own called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother said, “Why don’t you send her a nice note and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”
February 9, 2020
Smith, senior network engineer, was always tired. After a while, he became known in the data center for dozing off at his desk, sometimes even several times a day.
Granted, he had a reason: his wife had just had twins and he didn’t get much sleep at home. But our network manager was having none of it. He told Smith, that if he was caught sleeping on the job one more time, he would be fired.
The same week, the network manager decided to make a surprise visit at Smith’s desk, to see if the situation had improved.
You can imagine, what happened next: he found Smith asleep.
But Smith was a quick thinker. He woke up just in time, remained in his position and calmly delivered the following line that saved his job: “…and I especially thank you for my excellent network manager. Amen.”
February 8, 2020
How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, to generate a “ChangeLightBulb” event to the socket.
February 4, 2020
The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper.
He categorically denied doing so.
That led to my next question, “Then why is this paper in French?”
February 3, 2020
A blonde goes into a nearby electronics store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”
February 1, 2020
In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.
January 30, 2020
The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And she disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her,
And send her back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas & Grandpas,
Nannas & Papas, who have been fearless
and learned to use the Computer…
They are the greatest!!!
January 28, 2020
Video Gamer #1: I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.
Video Gamer #2: How do you know?
Video Gamer #1: She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.
January 26, 2020
Why was the JavaScript developer sad?
Because he didn’t Node how to Express himself!
January 25, 2020
The family had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, “Hey Mom…what’s this?”
“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,” she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
“Well what does it do?” they asked.
“I’ll show you,” she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
“WOW!” they exclaimed, “that’s really cool…but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”
“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”
“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted.
“It doesn’t need batteries either.” she continued.
“Wow! This is so cool!” they exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”
January 23, 2020
One video gamer to another: “I just went to our local Air & Space Museum. Boy, do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.”
January 21, 2020
An embedded software developer was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.
The genie said, “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“All right,” said the software programmer, “I wish for more genies.”
January 19, 2020
When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves, first.”
January 17, 2020
Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much JAVA.
January 16, 2020
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago as I was returning from an IT Networking conference in San Jose. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”
January 14, 2020
Two network engineers, Ralph and Tom, were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc.
Ralph said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?”
“I’m not sure” said Tom, “What was her maiden name?”
January 12, 2020
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop around the corner from our Data Center, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”
Replied our Network Manager sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
January 11, 2020
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school…. (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set of “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C,” the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M.” Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Goldman Sachs determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math In 2010: A logger cuts down a tree to turn it into lumber. How can he minimize his truck’s carbon footprint?
Teaching Math in 2020: Math class has been cancelled because it is a capitalist construct. Please report to your safe space, instead.
January 10, 2020
A couple that were SEO experts had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.
January 8, 2020
In the days before computers and financial software, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits. So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled “Taste” to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.
Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law: there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste.
January 6, 2020
My video gaming friends asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I’d like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I thought for a minute and said, “Any one of ’em that knows how to fix elevators.”
January 4, 2020
My brother Scott, a software developer, brought over a thumb drive photo’s of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. “What kind of bear is that?” I asked.
“It’s called a Kodiak,” Scott replied.
“Oh, yeah?” my husband Keith, a hardware engineer, shot back. “And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids.”
January 2, 2020
As e-mail (and blogs and texts and Tweets) continue to erode the written language, perhaps it is time for an English language lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen’s Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.