IT Jokes: 2018
Posted December 29, 2018
My co-worker in the server room, Kimberly, announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to go out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”
Posted December 25, 2018
The 12 Bugs of Christmas – A Software Developers’ Version
1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it’s a feature
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Posted December 23, 2018
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him.
The salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here that you’ll need much bigger shoes than that.”
The guy says, “That’s OK, please bring me the smaller ones.”
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
The salesman just has to ask, “Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?”
He says to the salesman, “I work a boring job in a data center, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes.”
Posted December 20, 2018
Did you hear about the smartphones that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Posted December 18, 2018
Four expectant fathers, all IT workers, were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, “Congratulations, You’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I mange the server network for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I work in a Data Center for the 3M Corporation.”
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I manage telecommunications for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, “I write business application programs for Seven-Eleven!”
Posted December 17, 2018
I have been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Posted December 15, 2018
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo.” — Where’s Waldo audiobook
Posted December 14, 2018
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel during a high tech conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.
“What happened?” he asked.
I said, “I was attacked by a flying saucer.”
Posted December 10, 2018
Two Network Engineers are standing on the tee at an exclusive golf club. Suddenly the first guy starts holding his ear and listening intently. Noticing the look of confusion on his partners face, he explains that he has had his mobile phone receiver implanted into his ear so that he can pick up urgent messages from the Data Center.
At the second hole he starts to talk loudly to nobody in particular. Once again he explains that using the latest state-of-the-art technology he has had one of his teeth microchipped, allowing him to speak to clients without the inconvenience of holding a phone to his ear.
Suddenly on the third hole he screws up his face, clutches his stomach, darts behind a bush, drops his trousers, and squats.
His partner cannot believe what he is seeing, and shouts, “What the hell are you doing?”
To which the other guy replies, “Be with you in a minute…just gotta print something!”
Posted December 9, 2018
Scientists Decode the First Message from an Alien Civilization:
“Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that Star System, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization! IT REALLY WORKS!”
Posted December 5, 2018
Lisa purchased her first car, and was having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
“Miss,” the salesperson said, “this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You just give voice commands for whatever type of program you desire.”
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. “Country Music,” she said, and instantly the radio switched to a country station.
After a while she said, “Oldies,” and the radio complied.
A few minutes later, a woman cut her off in traffic.
“Stupid, inconsiderate @#$%%!” Lisa yelled.
The radio paused for a second, and then Lisa heard a soothing voice say, “Hello again and welcome back to the program. We’ll now continue with our talk show. Today, let’s talk about the benefits of anger management…”
Posted December 2, 2018
My grandmother called to tell me she’d gotten an e-mail account. “Great,” I said. “Send me a message so I’ll have your e-mail address.”
I waited and waited, but she never sent it.
Several days later, an envelope arrived—Grandma had written her info on a piece of paper and mailed it to me.
Posted December 1, 2018
I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”
My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”
Posted November 28, 2018
Funny Facebook status updates from their office cubicles when they should be working:
• STATUS: My baby boy is officially one year old!!!! Can’t believe it’s already been 656 days!
• STATUS: Craving food I don’t
have. My first world problem
this morning.
COMMENT: Well, it’s kind of
a third world problem too.
• STATUS: I think about him 31/7 cause he’s on my mind even when I’m sleeping.
COMMENT: There’s still 24 hours in a day when you’re sleeping.
STATUS: Wait, huh?
• STATUS: Dear Facebook, Thanks for informing me it’s my wife’s birthday today. Do you know what would be more useful?!?! Some kind of warning system …i.e., notification that it’s her birthday in a few days!
Posted November 26, 2018
My techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another. Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: “Everywhere I look is a screen saver!”
Posted November 24, 2018
Our CIO is without peer when it comes to the Intellectual Property rules and regulations that must be followed. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were challenging a potential copyright infringer. The judge asked the court, “Who is making these allegations?”
Our CIO stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator, your honor.”
Posted November 20, 2018
We all have had to deal with user manuals that were not as clear and concise as we wanted them to be. Well, fear not, the manual you are about to read leaves nothing to be desired.
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-headed consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
You already unpacked it, didn’t you? You unpacked it and turned it on and fiddled with the buttons, right? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently deep-froze the device for six days. Now let’s talk about it:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the shipping people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR SUE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Sue really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing. It is not without irony that Sue’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will reject your refund claim.
Besides the device, the box should also contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”.
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of cable.
* IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get through half the driveway without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why.” WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry, which, in a continuing effort to improve safety developed this revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small figurines made of chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a handkerchief.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN CHINA. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY SANDERS OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO CHINA BUT KNOWS SOMEONE WHO HAS FRIENDS THERE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before midnight, during which time the manufacturer will, at no charge to the owner, send the device to our service people, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
PS: SUE REALLY WANTS THAT ENGAGEMENT RING BACK.
Posted November 19, 2018
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Posted November 17, 2018
I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.
“How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked.
“I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook anymore.”
Posted November 15, 2018
The Help Desk
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ] OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
Posted November 13, 2018
The young mother skeptically examined a new, high tech educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.
“It’s designed to adjust the child to live in today’s world, ma’am,” the shop assistant replied, “any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”
Posted November 12, 2018
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished a cardigan by now.
Posted November 9, 2018
Love Lost, Love Found On Craigslist
The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.”
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.”
The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
Posted November 6, 2018
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
Posted November 4, 2018
I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? “Whereisthespacebar?”
Posted November 2, 2018
If someone from the 1950’s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?
One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
Posted October 31, 2018
The Witching Hour is almost upon the Data Center and we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know the following numbers?
$665.95………………….Retail price of the Beast
$699.25…………….Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95………….Price of the Beast with all accessories & replacement soul
$656.66………………….Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66……………Next week’s Walmart price of the Beast
00666…………………….Zip code of the Beast
1-666 …………………….Area code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 ……Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
660……………………….Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI…………………Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000…………………Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 …………………….Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 ……………………..Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1)…………………Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010………………Binary of the Beast
Phillips 666………………Gasoline of the Beast
$6.66 9/10………………..Price of a Beast gasoline
Route 666………………..Way of the Beast
666 F…………………….Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k……………………..Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66%………5 year CD rate First Beast National Bank, $666 min. deposit.
* i66686……………………CPU of the Beast
666i …………………….. BMW of the Beast
DSM-666……….Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668……………………….Next-door neighbor of the Beast
666 mg………..Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Excel 6-6-6……………….Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66………………..Word Processor of the Beast
6 h. 66 min………………..Beast Standard Time (BST)
Boeing 666…………………”A jet for the Beast Age”
Beverly Hills 66666……….Beast’s favorite TV show
6/6/66……………………..The birth date of the Beast
666-66-6666…………The Social Security number of the Beast
6666……………………….The PIN of the Beast
25.806975…………………The square root of the Beast
Motel 666………………….Beast Western
Windows 10 ver.666………OS of the Beast
6, uh, uh…………..Number of the Blonde Beast
Posted October 28, 2018
More Funny Hashtags:
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2
#failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm
#nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane
Posted October 27, 2018
We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.
It was raining hard and I couldn’t play golf either so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.
Seems like a nice person.
Posted October 25, 2018
Data Center Rules To Live By
1. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
2. It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
3. People who go to conferences are usually the ones who shouldn’t.
4. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
6. You are always doing something insignificant when the boss drops by your desk.
7. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
8. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
9. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Posted October 23, 2018
An Englishman, a Network Engineer, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an American, an Elephant, a Refrigerator, and a Systems Programmer all walk into a restaurant.
The waiter turns around and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
Posted October 21, 2018
I left my job as a network engineer in big city data center and was walking past an alley last night, when I heard, “Help! Help!” coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she was putting up a heck of a fight and wouldn’t let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t see anything.
I finally decided that I should help.
She was one tough old lady, but the three of us finally got that handbag.
Posted October 19, 2018
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
Posted October 17, 2018
A Network Manager and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.
“Look, a scale,” the Network Manager said to his friend. “Let’s see how my new diet is working out.”
He stepped on the scale.
“I can’t believe it!” he said as he read the result. “I’ve been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I’m heaver than I was before! How can that be?”
He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. “Here, hold my jacket,” he said.
The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.
Not much change.
“Here,” he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. “Hold my Twinkies too.”
Posted October 13, 2018
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
Posted October 10, 2018
One caller to our IT Help Desk answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”
“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”
Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”
Posted October 7, 2018
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies: “Yes!”
Posted October 5, 2018
The parody Twitter account @boredElonMusk figured that if Musk could co-found PayPal and also develop the Tesla electric automobile, he might invent these next:
• A TV that gets louder to compensate for when you are chewing.
• An indoor trash bin that keeps getting taller until someone finally decides to take the garbage out.
• Eye-tracking software that will not allow you to share a link on Twitter or Facebook until you’ve read 70 percent of the article.
Posted October 4, 2018
While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several Engineering students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.
“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the Engineering upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”
When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: “So, what’s the answer?”
The guide replied: “One.”
Posted October 1, 2018
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
Posted September 29, 2018
Imagine a restaurant visit was like getting tech support – it might go something like this:
Patron: “Waiter!”
Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your support waiter. What seems to be the problem?”
Patron: “There’s a fly in my soup!”
Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.”
Patron: “No, it’s still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.”
Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?”
Patron: “A SOUP bowl!”
Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?”
Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!”
Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”
Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”
Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”
Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?”
Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”
Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?”
Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”
Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now!”
The waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: “Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.”
Patron: “This is potato soup.”
Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.”
Patron: “Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.”
The waiter leaves.
The check:
Soup of the Day…$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…$2.50
Access to support…$1.00
Posted September 28, 2018
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and Vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
Posted September 26, 2018
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Posted September 24, 2018
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”
Posted September 20, 2018
PowerPoint: the Program You Love to Hate…
• Were Moses alive today, the Ten Commandments would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings.
• The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t invent PowerPoint.
• No one ever says, “Boy, that ‘I Have a Dream’ speech could’ve been a lot better if Martin Luther King Jr. had used PowerPoint.”
Posted September 17, 2018
Why engineers don’t write recipe books.
Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:
•532.35 cm3 gluten
•4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
•4.9 cm3 refined halite
•236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
•177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
•177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
•4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
•Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
•473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
•236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
Directions:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Posted September 16, 2018
I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.
Posted September 13, 2018
I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient until, one day, the receptionist suggested that I use their website.
Posted September 11, 2018
Jones, network programmer, came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the Network Manager waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Gregson’s helicopter, landed on top of his skyscraper, and ran over here.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the Network Manager, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
Posted September 9, 2018
The Device Too Big To Fail
I Renamed my iPod “The Titanic”, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
Posted September 8, 2018
A customer sent an order to a a network supplies distributor for a large amount of hardware and software totaling a great deal of money.
The IT distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”
The next day the collections manager received a call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
Posted September 5, 2018
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Posted September 4, 2018
Catch and Retweet
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
Posted September 3, 2018
A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law, our Network Manager, before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.
Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, “My god! It’s already three P.M., I’m about to miss my train!” She begins to put her coat on in a hurry.
At this moment, the Network Manager’s six-year-old daughter runs up to her and before her dad can do anything she announces, “Don’t hurry, Granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!”
Posted August 31, 2018
Two atoms are walking down the street. One says, “I think I lost an electron.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”
Posted August 29, 2018
#GeekPickupLines: My name’s Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
Posted August 27, 2018
The only people who don’t click “Skip” on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
Posted August 25, 2018
Two network engineers were getting dressed in the company gym’s locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.
“How long have you been wearing that bra?” the man asked his friend.
The co-worker replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my car.”
Poosted August 23, 2018
A student engineer in the office got engaged. On the first day she wore her ring, none of the other women in the office even noticed.
Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said, “Wow! It’s so warm in here today, I think I’ll take off my ring.”
Posted August 22, 2018
I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of cute humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars.
Posted August 20, 2018
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up on the Internet.
The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and share copies of silly hoaxes relating to all kinds of topics. “These are not just people who follow all advice found in horoscopes,” a spokesman said. “Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner.”
However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. One weeping victim reported, “When I first heard about those things, I just accepted them without question. After all, there were dozens of other people believing it, so I thought the virus must be true.” It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, “My name is Jane, and I’ve been hoaxed.”
Now, however, she is spreading the word. “Challenge and check whatever you read,” she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to share multiple copies of such stories with others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.
D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, “I read somewhere that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo.” Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by reminding others what to watch out for.
For every unbelievable message you share with some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
Posted August 19, 2018
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
Posted August 16, 2018
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home, and I took my computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, “What’s the wifi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll have a beer.”
Bartender: “We have Molsons Canadian on tap.”
Me: “Sure. How much is that?”
Bartender: “$8.00.”
Me: “Ok. Here you are. What’s the wifi password”
Bartender: “youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.”
Posted August 15, 2018
It was my friend’s first camping trip with her husband, and they were lost. He tried all the usual tactics to determine direction—moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was overcast), and so on. Just as she began to panic, he spotted a cabin in the distance. “This way,” he said as he led her back to their camp.
“How did you do that?” my friend asked.
“Simple. In this part of the country, the satellite dishes point south.”
Posted August 13, 2018
Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers.
Posted August 12, 2018
Tomorrow is the IT department picnic. They are planning on playing bean bags, badminton, volleyball and horseshoes. Every single game I stink at.
It’s going to be like high school gym class all over again.
Posted August 10, 2018
WARNING: SCAM ALERT!
Millions of people worldwide have fallen for the 40-40-40 scam.
The 40-40-40 scam is where you make someone else RICH by working 40 hours a week for 40 years, and then try to retire on 40 percent of what you couldn’t afford to live off in the first place.
Commonly known as a job.
Posted August 9, 2018
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You got male!”
Posted August 5, 2018
Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience:
•1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died
•1920: 17 Things That Will Be Outlawed Now That Women Can Vote
•1928: This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs
•1929: Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFS]
•1948: 5 Insane Plans for Feeding West Berlin You Won’t Believe Are Real
•1969: This Is the Most Important Photo of an Astronaut You’ll See All Day
•1989: You Won’t Believe What These People Did to the Berlin Wall! [Video]
Posted August 4, 2018
I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about a website design.
Posted July 31, 2018
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
Posted July 30, 2018
Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?
Posted July 28, 2018
Working for a systems integration company, I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men’s room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, “Please Wiggel Handel”.
Below that some wit had written, “If I do, will it wiggel Bach?”
Posted July 27, 2018
Yahoo Questions that will Destroy Your Faith in Humanity
“Can I safely look at a picture of the sun?”
“How can I be sure I’m the real mom of my kid?”
“How do you get spaghetti stains out of underwear?”
Posted July 22, 2018
Engineering terms and their translations
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Posted July 20, 2018
Can a 3-D printer make ink cartridges for a 2-D printer?
Posted July 18, 2018
On Facebook, the English language has few friends. Three examples:
Post: I can’t stand people that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb.
Response: Their, their, calm down.
Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days?
Response: I just have a normal house.
Post: I do not have patients for stupid today.
Response: Patience.
Posted July 14, 2018
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
Posted July 12, 2018
One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
Posted July 10, 2018
A co-worker in my network engineering team was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the week. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, “She’s half as old as I am, that’s how I always remember.”
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, “That’s neat… So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?” My co-worker thought about that, and then said, “Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.”
Posted July 9, 2018
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams.
Posted July 5, 2018
During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our Data Center employees’ lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as “extra” money.
“Yes, there is,” our Network Manager retorted. “It’s what you have right before your car breaks down.”
Posted July 3, 2018
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Posted July 1, 2018
Malapropisms on Twitter:
“Time heals all wombs.”
“The seizure salad … is so good.”
Posted June 28, 2018
Seen on an Online Forum:
“I hate audio correct.”
Posted June 26, 2018
Reaching the end of a job interview for an entry level position as a network engineer, the Human Resources person asked the young applicant fresh out of one of the best universities, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The HR person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years?”
The budding network engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”
Posted June 24, 2018
Weight Control in the Data Center
Here’s a quick guide to calorie-burning activities for IT staff in the office that do not require physical exercise, and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush – 75
Jumping to conclusions – 100
Passing the buck – 25
Throwing your weight around – 50-300 (depending on your weight)
Dragging your heels – 100
Pushing your luck – 250
Making mountains out of molehills – 500
Hitting the nail on the head – 50
Bending over backwards – 75
Jumping on the bandwagon – 200
Running around in circles – 350
Climbing the ladder of success – 750
Pulling out the stops – 75
Wrapping it up at the day’s end – 12
To which you may want to add some additional activities, including:
Opening a can of worms – 50
Starting the ball rolling – 90
Putting your foot in your mouth – 300
And finally
Picking up the pieces after – 350
Posted June 21, 2018
A video gamer goes in to see a psychologist and says, “It seems I can’t make any friends and I have no idea why. Can you help me, you ignorant fool?”
Posted June 20, 2018
Smith, a senior network engineer, goes to see his Network Manager in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “a friend of mine is doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow, and he asked me to help with his attic and his garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the data center boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”
Posted June 17, 2018
Warning Labels We Can Really Use:
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”
Posted June 14, 2018
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Posted June 12, 2018
You’re sending me something via fax?
What is it, an important document from 1993?
Posted June 9, 2018
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game “Oregon Trail,” which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, “This is where my oxen always die.”
Posted June 7, 2018
I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.
“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”
He said he did and thanked me.
The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent in Chinese?”
Posted June 4, 2018
I was cruising around the Internet on my office laptop when I came across an item that caught my attention.
“You know, honey,” I commented later to the wife, “I think there might be some merit to what an article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son.”
“Well, thank heaven,” she said, “at least our son has nothing standing in his way.”
Posted June 2, 2018
My co-worker, a hardware engineer, said, “I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I’ve developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut.”
Posted May 30, 2018
They say that the new super computer knows everything.
A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer loaded for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father is in San Diego.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband is in San Diego. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
Posted May 28, 2018
Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow…
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 1989.
7. You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”.
8. Everyone you talk to via VOIP sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
Posted May 27, 2018
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
Posted May 25, 2018
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John a dedicated video gamer, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay if she is crazy.”
Posted May 20, 2018
At the Data Center water cooler where I am a sys admin, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.
One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?”
Posted May 19, 2018
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband, who is a network engineer.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. “Wow, look at that!” he said. “It’s my old Plymouth!”
Posted May 17, 2018
Overheard in our call center:
“Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company.”
“Would you spell that, please?”
“Certainly. That’s C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. and Y as in you.”
“Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with my supervisor.”
Posted May 14, 2018
My area had a really bad storm a couple days ago and my neighbor lost the roof of his house. The poor guy doesn’t have insurance so I’ve decided to start a gofundme campaign to raise some cash so I can go to Hawaii for a week because he’s about to start construction and I hate being around all that noise.
Posted May 12, 2018
Network Programmer: I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
Posted May 11, 2018
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Lots of memory!
Posted May 7, 2018
Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.
Me: Siri, call my wife.
Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.
Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.
Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.
Me: Call my wife.
Siri: Which wife?
Posted May 6, 2018
A genie appears before a network manager and says, “Master, you have been chosen. I grant you three wishes.”
The techie says, “I’ve heard about this kind of thing before. Whatever I wish for will come back to bite me in some way and my life will be ruined.”
The genie says, “No, that won’t happen.”
“Yes, it will.”
“No,” says the genie, “I’m so sure it won’t I’ll grant you an infinity of wishes if it does.”
“Okay,” says the wily techie, thinking about it, “I wish for a boomerang with teeth.”
Genie, “You SOB…”
Posted May 1, 2018
Q: Where would you look when purchasing felines via mail order?
A: In an online Cat-a-log.
Posted April 30, 2018
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right: I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “A watched website never loads.”
Posted April 29, 2018
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
Posted April 26, 2018
We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.
It was raining hard and I couldn’t play golf either so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.
Seems like a nice person.
Posted April 23, 2018
Q: How does a lumberjack start his computer?
A: By Logging On!
Posted April 21, 2018
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
Posted April 19, 2018
For the first few months of her MIS co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.
“I know,” she complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only so much you can pretend you’re doing.”
Posted April 18, 2018
“I was in a very generous mood today,” a woman network programmer says to her co-worker. “I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” says her co-worker, “what did your husband say?”
“He said, ‘Thank you.'”
Posted April 15, 2018
Things I never learned in high school:
1. What taxes are.
2. How to do taxes.
3. How to vote.
4. Anything to do with banking.
5. How to buy a car or a house.
But I’m so glad I know the Pythagorean Theorem!
Posted April 13, 2018
An architect, an artist and a computer engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The computer engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?”
Computer Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
Posted April 10, 2018
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why American have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Posted April 8, 2018
Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.
Posted April 6, 2018
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to text everyone back.
Posted April 2, 2018
The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.
Posted March 30, 2018
A programmer came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy teddy.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.
Posted March 26, 2018
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
Posted March 25, 2018
A Computer Engineering professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.
“Professors haven’t got bad memory,” he declared. “They’re not absent-minded. Don’t you think I know where I am right now, and don’t you think tomorrow I’ll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?”
“Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?”
“Good!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.”
Posted March 22, 2018
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep.
The engineer says: “What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black,” replies the experimental physicist.
The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says, “Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.”
“Well,” the philosopher responds, “on one side, anyway.”
Posted March 21, 2018
Caller: ‘Hi, can you connect me with Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the modem from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’
Posted March 17, 2018
A computer programmer at an accounting firm is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
Posted March 13, 2018
Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, a fellow network engineer, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road to work at our data center when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home.
“Thank God you answered,” I said when Scott picked up. “There’s this alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought I was dragging you down the highway.”
“And you didn’t stop?”
Posted March 11, 2018
Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards.
• “I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”
• “I don’t have an oven; can I still make this? Please reply immediately.”
• “A warning that if you cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for 25 minutes, it’s completely ruined. Do you have any suggestions?”
Posted March 10, 2018
I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens.
As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive.
Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”
Posted March 9, 2018
While taking inventory of our Data Center equipment, I read aloud the final numbers to our Vice President. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his desk phone’s keypad.
Posted March 7, 2018
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.
The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, “We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat.”
Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, “Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?”
Posted March 4, 2018
Two Video Gamers were driving on the highway on their way to Comic Con. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: “Clean Restrooms.”
By the time they got to their destination, they’d cleaned 147 public toilets.
Posted March 1, 2018
Two 20-something video gamers were chatting. “I’ve just bought a pig,” said the first.
“But where will you keep it?” said the second. “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!”
“I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied his friend.
“But what about the smell?”
“He’ll soon get used to that.”
Posted February 27, 2018
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me, a Computer Science major.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
Posted February 25, 2018
Physics 101
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Posted February 22, 2018
Zen Koans for the Internet Age
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
Posted February 20, 2018
Q: How many over-eager personal digital assistants does it take to change a lig…
A: Done!
Posted February 2018
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.
He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a Silicon Valley entrepreneur came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the high tech businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the entrepreneur, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the Silicon Valley businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The entrepreneur replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The high tech businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.
“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The entrepreneur was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”
The Silicon Valley businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
Posted February 17, 2018
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television…and later to the remote control.
Posted February 14, 2018
MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Posted February 11, 2018
MIS Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my Information Technology research paper?
MIS Professor: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
Posted February 10, 2018
When I was a 20-something college student majoring in Computer Science, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
“So what changed your mind?” I asked him.
“I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?!’
Posted February 7, 2018
There are three kinds of IT people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Posted February 4, 2018
A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?”
Posted February 2, 2018
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work as a Network Manager for a large Data Center.
“Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”
Posted January 31, 2018
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back..
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
Posted January 29, 2018
Easier Said Than Done
Client: “We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.”
Posted January 28, 2018
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband, a Network Engineer, to the police. The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes,” she replied. “Please tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
Posted January 26, 2018
#IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught.
“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop monitor.”
“I lied and told my dad school was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”
“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”
Posted January 24, 2018
New Theorem Proof:
Feathers are light.
The sun gives off light.
Therefore, the sun gives off feathers.
Posted January 22, 2018
Q: Where do all the cool mice live?
A: In their mousepads.
Posted January 21, 2018
So you want a day off from your job as a Network Engineer in the Data Center? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Posted January 19, 2018
Q: How many Computer Science graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
Posted January 17, 2018
Did you hear about the two hardcore video gamers who decided to try real world duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one video gamer said, “I don’t know about this. We’ve been out here all day and haven’t caught a single duck. Do you think we’re doing something wrong?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other video gamer. “Maybe we’re not throwing the dog high enough.”
Posted January 12, 2018
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago after the IT Conference ended. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”
Posted January 10, 2018
The Top 10 Signs for Network Engineers That It’s Time To Do The Laundry
1. You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
2. You’ve worn your sheets to the data center because you can’t get them off of you.
3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
6. The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
8. The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.
9. Your red T-shirt is now green.
10. The Network Manager pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
Posted January 8, 2018
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
Posted January 6, 2018
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me — two police officers and a psychiatrist.
Posted January 4, 2018
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
Posted January 2, 2018
John lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan as a systems programmer. He had to take the ferryboat home every night.
One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby bar.
When the programmer got back to the pier, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. John, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”