IT Jokes: 2017
Posted December 30, 2017
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young network engineer and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion: “What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, the techie husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5… 10… 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there – speechless.
He looked over at the techie husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The network engineer scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Posted December 28, 2017
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?
A: A screensaver!
Posted December 26, 2017
After texting back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
Posted December 23, 2017
The Technical Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
AN ALGORITHM IN A SPANNING TREE
On the second day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
Two LLC’s…………………….(Chorus)
On the third day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
THREE ETHERNETS……………….(CHORUS)
On the fourth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
FOUR TOKEN BUSES………………(CHORUS)
On the fifth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
F I V E T O K E N R I N G S!….(CHORUS)
On the sixth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SIX LANs A’LANNING…………….(CHORUS)
On the seventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SEVEN BROADS A’BANDING…………(CHORUS)
On the eighth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
EIGHT FIBERS SPARKLING…………(CHORUS)
On the ninth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
NINE VIDEOS TALKING……………(CHORUS)
On the tenth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TEN VLANS ENCRYPTED……………(CHORUS)
On the eleventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
ELEVEN LANS SANS WIRES…………(CHORUS)
On the twelveth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TWELVE FAST ETHERNETS………….
(CHORUS, WITH FOUR PART HARMONY AND FEELING!)
Posted December 21, 2017
KEYS TO SUCCESS IN THE DATA CENTER: Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.
That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you’re regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Posted December 19, 2017
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Because someone stepped on it’s mouse!
Posted December 17, 2017
Beautician: “Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance?”
Video Gamer: “It did for a while – then it fell off.”
Posted December 14, 2017
A group of junior-level IT executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
“For instance,” he said, “if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?”
The answers from the group of IT newbies were unanimous: “Two.”
“Wrong,” replied the speaker, “there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping.”
Posted December 13, 2017
Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, “Congratulations, You’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I am an IT support guy for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I am a systems administrator for the 3M Corporation.”
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I am a webmaster for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, “I am a network engineer for Seven-Eleven!”
Posted December 11, 2017
Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: Because it was looking for a byte to eat!
Posted December 10, 2017
Our Network Manager had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a powerful set of digital hearing aids.
The Network Manager went back after a month and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the techie said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Posted December 7, 2017
A young applications programmer was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”
Our techie replied, “Just a minute.”
He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you!”
Posted December 6, 2017
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
Posted December 4, 2017
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
Posted December 1, 2017
Client to web designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Posted November 29, 2017
In my small computer repair shop we have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.
Early one Monday the office manager was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, “My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N.”
Posted November 23, 2017
I was computer programmer for a large insurance company and I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
Posted November 21, 2017
“Where’s the car?” asked the Computer Science professor’s wife when he got home.
“Did I take it out?”
“Yes, you drove it to school this morning.”
“I suppose you’re right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he’d gone.”
Posted November 19, 2017
A network programmer went into the local mall where he saw a sign on the escalator – “Dogs must be carried on this escalator.”
The programmer then spent the next two hours looking for a dog.
Posted November 16, 2017
Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: It left it’s Windows open!
Posted November 14, 2017
Judge: “Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?”
Network Manager: “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”
Judge: “Can’t they do without you at work?”
Network Manager: “Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.”
Posted November 12, 2017
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness!
Posted November 10, 2017
Before Google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
Posted November 8, 2017
While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
Posted November 6, 2017
“Honey,” said this our Network Manager to his wife, “I invited a co-worker home for dinner.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite someone from your work for dinner?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Posted November 4, 2017
Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus!
Posted November 2, 2017
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work In The Data Center
~ I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Posted October 26, 2017
A network engineer and his wife are sitting at home and he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dead to the world, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the router, computer and TV.
Posted October 24, 2017
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job as a systems programmer but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.
“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”
Posted October 22, 2017
I was a Network Engineer walking home from work in the Data Center when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
Posted October 19, 2017
It was time for the big Chemistry final and this student was depending upon getting at least one right answer on the test.
The question was “If H2O if water, what is H2O4?”
This was a quick question for most, but it took this student some thinking time.
Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.
Posted October 17, 2017
Our Network Manager, Rex Smith, was flying from San Francisco to L.A. to attend a technology conference and he told us about what happened during jhis flight. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off the plane and stretch your legs?”
Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to.”
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines.
Posted October 15, 2017
Video Gamer #1: “I thought you were trying to get into shape?”
Video Gamer #2: “I am. The shape I’ve selected is a triangle.”
Posted October 12, 2017
If you’re talking on a cordless smartphone can you still claim that you have someone on the line?
Posted October 8, 2017
A man is flying in a hot air balloon over Seattler and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Microsoft Technical Support,” says the balloonist.
“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.”
The man below says: “You must be in Microsoft management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Posted October 5, 2017
I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form
1. Describe your problem: ______________________________
2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
Posted October 4, 2017
E-mail Addresses That Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud
MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com
MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com
Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com
1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com
Posted October 2, 2017
Now that they are retired network engineers, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”
He replied, “Probably the same thing.”
Posted September 28, 2017
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.
To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, “Attack or Retreat?”
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of LED’s and answers, “Yes.”
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, “Yes what?”
The computer instantly replies, “Yes, sir!”
Posted September 25, 2017
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data!
Posted September 23, 2017
Items From the Food Periodic Table
•Rh: Rhubarb – Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.
•Co: Coffee – Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey
•V: Velveeta – Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.
•Ds: Diet soda – Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.
•Uuh: Unidentifiable – What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.
•Li: Limburger – A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.
•Fr: Frankfurter – Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard, K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.
… and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table …
•Pr: Produce – Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.
Posted September 21, 2017
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
Posted September 17, 2017
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!
Posted September 16, 2017
Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.
When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, so he knocked on the cabin door.
There was no answer.
He knocked again, louder this time.
There was still no answer.
Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, “Who’s there?”
Posted September 13, 2017
Our CIO recently told us of an incident that happened with him and his daughter. A few days ago, the girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”
“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”
Posted September 10, 2017
Work Emails
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is malware@company.com.
• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was stoner@company.co.in.
• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with japan@university.edu.
Posted September 8, 2017
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
Posted September 5, 2017
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Posted September 3, 2017
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work in the Data Center. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your VP of Networking into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell IT management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad networking job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow IT employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Network Managers are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
Posted September 1, 2017
The Data Center that I work at sometimes puts on what they call “Lunch and Learn” seminars during the employees’ lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we’re supposed to get managerial approval to attend.
So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO’S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager’s permission before attending)
Looks like that question’s been answered …
Posted August 28, 2017
A wife asked her husband, a skilled programmer, “Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.
Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, “Why the hell did you buy so much milk?”
Her husband said, “They had eggs.”
Posted August 26, 2017
Metric Conversion Chart
10 * 12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 cards = 1 decacards
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
Posted August 22, 2017
Q: Which Dark Lord of the Sith also plays country music?
A: Darth Brooks.
Posted August 20, 2017
The elevator in our Data Center malfunctioned one day, leaving me and several of my network engineers stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
Posted August 18, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five — a, e, i, o, and u.
Posted August 17, 2017
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog said: “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful woman.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you for an entire week!”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket.
The frog cried out: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a woman, I’ll stay with you for a year.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked: “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful woman and that I’d stay with you for a year. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said: “Look, I’m a network engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool.”
Posted August 12, 2017
The personnel office for our Data Center received an email requesting a listing of the Network Engineering department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply…
“Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”
Posted August 11, 2017
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Posted August 8, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Posted August 7, 2017
A mathematician, a geneticist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe, watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
The physicist states: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The geneticist’s conclusion: “They have been cloned.”
The mathematician replies: “If now exactly one person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”
Posted August 4, 2017
As I drove into the Data Center parking lot where I work as a network engineer one morning, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female co-worker pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman’s side to see if she was all right.
“I’m fine,” she assured me, “but if that dog hadn’t honked…”
Posted July 31, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Posted July 29, 2017
If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.609 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Posted July 27, 2017
*– TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK IN THE DATA CENTER NAKED –*
1. Your Network Manager is always yelling, “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Posted July 25, 2017
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Posted July 23, 2017
A senior security network architect was on vacation on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.
The genie said, “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“All right,” said the technical guru, “I wish for more genies.”
Posted July 22, 2017
Once upon a time, there were four people working in our Data Center; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important networking job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Posted July 19, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Posted July 17, 2017
Chat Room Lies (cont.)
– I’m not like most of the guy’s/gal’s here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)
– I don’t care what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I’m horny and could care less, just type)
– Tonight my love… our souls have touched.
Posted July 15, 2017
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, “Surely you don’t believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?”
Bohr chuckled. “I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!”
Poosted July 11, 2017
A wife asked her husband who was a fantastic programmer, “Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
A while later her techie husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.
Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, “Why the hell did you buy so much milk?”
Her husband the programmer said, “They had eggs.”
Posted July 7, 2017
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of wine and a comforting word. “You look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer system broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Posted July 6, 2017
My job is an IT position in the aerospace industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense contractor.”
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
Posted July 4, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Posted July 2, 2017
Chat Room Lies (cont.)
– I’m 5’4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!
– Male version is… I’m 6’0″, great tan, and buffed from working out.
Posted June 29, 2017
A co-worker came to work in our Data Center one day wearing shoes that were identical in style, only one was black and the other brown. I quietly pointed this out to him. He smiled and said, “Unusual, aren’t they? Believe it or not, I’ve got another pair just like this at home.”
Posted June 27, 2017
Two new work crews were putting in fiber optic cable poles for data and voice communciations. At the end of the day the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done.
“12,” was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, “2.”
“2?” shouted the foreman. “The others did 12!”
“Yeah,” answered the leader of the second crew, “but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground.”
Posted June 26, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Posted June 25, 2017
As a dedicated network engineer and full blown technical nerd, I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
“Just where do you think you going?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”
Posted June 22, 2017
Two network engineers were talking about work, when one asked, “Say, why did your Network Manager fire you?”
Replied the second, “Well, you know how a Network Manager is always standing around and watching others do the work. My Manager got jealous. People started thinking I was the Network Manager.”
Posted June 18, 2017
Chat Room Lies (cont.)
– Yes of course I’m female ……………
– No this is my only screen name…. You mean you can have more than one?
Posted June 16, 2017
Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?
A: The mathemortician.
Posted June 11, 2017
A space telescope image showing distant galaxies colliding was published.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the new telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…
Posted June 10, 2017
Two Data Center employees were getting dressed in the company gym’s locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.
“How long have you been wearing that bra?” the man asked his co-worker.
The co-worker replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
Pooosted June 8, 2017
Joe, a programmer in our department, goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife, “Pass the sugar, Honey.” A bit later, the same guy says, “Pass the honey, Sugar.”
Joe thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So the next morning, when the socially-challenged geek and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, Pig.”
Posted June 5, 2017
Science Facts? (cont.)
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Posted June 2, 2017
Chat Room Lies (cont.)
– I’m new online and haven’t had time to create a profile…but tell me more about yourself.
– I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I’m getting excited
Posted May 30, 2017
A lady programmer in our office inserted an ‘ad’ in the online classifieds: “Husband wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred replies.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Posted May 29, 2017
Science Facts?
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Posted May 26, 2017
A network engineer tells his co-worder: “My wife’s credit card got stolen last week.”
“That’s a shame,” says the fellow network engineer, “have you told the police?”
“No way,” replies the techie, “the thief is spending less than she did.”
Posted May 23, 2017
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, a programmer, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” the programmer said.
That evening, the techie came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams”
Posted May 22, 2017
Chat Room Lies
– I’m in this private room consoling a depressed friend.
– You’re different…..I’ve never felt like this about someone I’ve never met before.
Posted May 21, 2017
CIO Tip: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Posted May 19, 2017
“Nice threads, man,” commented Donald, a network programmer, when his co-worker, Richard, showed up at the data center one day in a snappy new suit. “Where’d you pick ’em up?”
Richard beamed. “My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?”
“I’ll say. What was the occasion?”
“Got me,” admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. “I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.”
Posted May 17, 2017
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
(and you thought it was a dirty joke!)
Posted May 15, 2017
When an applicant to our data center asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, “Oh, our employees don’t need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their
feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!”
Posted May 14, 2017
One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”
The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?”
The mathematician responds, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”
The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?”
The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally answers, “I light the dumpster on fire.”
The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”
Posted May 10, 2017
Our CIO says to his VP of Network Engineering, “My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.”
Posted May 8, 2017
A woman wrote to the help desk:
Dear Help Desk,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and Basketball 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!
–Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 has the potential to be a great program. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.
–Help Desk
Posted May 5, 2017
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary programmer in a data center in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.
However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:”You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”
So I did.
Posted May 1, 2017
CAUTION: VIRUS WARNING
There is a new virus going around, called “work.” If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT, BUT THROW IT AWAY.
“Work” has been circulating around lots of buildings for months and those who have been tempted to even look at “work” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter “work” via email or are faced with any “work” at all, then to purge the virus, send a message to your boss with the words “Sorry…I’m off today”. The “work” should automatically be deleted from your brain.
Leave the office and meet up with a few of your friends. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that “work” will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then we’re afraid the “work” virus has already corrupted your life.
Posted April 29, 2017
The Wolf Man comes home one evening from a long day at the Data Center. “How was work today, dear?” his wife asks.
“Honey, please! I don’t want to talk about network engineering right now!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like me to fix you something to eat? Or how about a drink?” she asks oh so nicely.
“Listen,” he shouts again, “I’m not hungry, I’m not thirsty! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”
At that very moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
Posted April 27, 2017
Tech Support Problems
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on
my desk… sorry….
===============
Tech support: Click on the “my computer” icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Posted April 23, 2017
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
“Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked.
“I am real,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?”
Posted April 18, 2017
Our CIO comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work at the data center. The little girl asks, “I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll.”
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient.”
“Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Posted April 14, 2017
Mr. Network Engineer, we know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can’t say the letter ‘m’ without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You’re smiling.
Fact 6: You’re smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn’t notice we left out fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You’re smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you’re going to share it.
Posted April 8, 2017
There is this network engineer and he has a girlfriend called Lorraine who is very pretty and he likes her a lot.
One day he goes to work in the data center to find that a new girl has started. Her name is Claire Lee and she is absolutely gorgeous. He is fascinated by her and after a while it becomes obvious that she is interested in him too.
But this guy is a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Claire Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decides that the only way is to break up with her and start a relationship with the new girl. He plans several times to tell Lorraine but he can’t bring himself to do it.
One day they go for a walk when Lorraine suddenly tells him that she wants to break up.
The network engineer goes back home alone and starts smiling and singing: “I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.”
Posted April 6, 2017
Q: How does a physicist exercise?
A: By pumping ion!
Posted April 1, 2017
As a Network Manager for a medium-sized company, I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’
When my wife got the delivery, she called me in the middle of a network upgrade at work.
“Just where do you think you’re going?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”
Posted March 29, 2017
I was working in a very large Data Center and one day in the company coffee break area, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.
One Sys Admin’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?”
Posted March 27, 2017
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:
“Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization! IT REALLY WORKS!”
Posted March 24, 2017
There’s a man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for a software company, writing error messages.
Posted March 22, 2017
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The nurse asked for my height and weight and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
Posted March 18, 2017
Beatle Song to Program By… (cont.)
Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’m too close to leave it now
You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will
show me… I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this tonight I vow!
Posted March 16, 2017
A Network Manager was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before.
A couple of minutes later he opened his eyes again and said, “You’re cute.”
The wife was disappointed. She asked, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
The techie’s reply was, “The anesthesia is wearing off.”
Posted March 14, 2017
Calculus and drinking alcohol do not mix. So, don’t drink and derive.
Posted March 11, 2017
A woman, who is a notorious video gamer, came home from the store with two cases of beer, three bottles of wine, a bottle of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting company?” her husband, another hardcore gamer, asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
Posted March 8, 2017
Q: How does a lumberjack start his computer?
A: By Logging On!
Posted March 5, 2017
Deep Thoughts of a Noted Programmer and Video Gamer
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.
If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Posted March 2, 2017
Beatle Song to Program By…(cont.)
Write in C (“Let it Be”)
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
BASIC’s dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.
Posted February 27, 2017
Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?
A: The mathemortician
Posted February 25, 2017
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her techie husband a text;
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Posted February 23, 2017
One day an ape escaped from the zoo. They searched for it everywhere. They announced his disappearance, but no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the public library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers went there as soon as possible.
They found the ape sitting at a desk with an Internet-enabled computer in front of him. It was reading the screen with great concentration while jumping between two websites. One site was about the Bible; the other was about Darwin’s book.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or whether I am my keeper’s brother.”
Posted February 21, 2017
Beatle Song to Program By…(cont.)
Unix Man
He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn’t he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin’
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He’s as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?
UNIX Man, don’t worry
Test with time(1), don’t hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody …
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
Posted February 19, 2017
Ben, an intensely musical individual, was burdened with a brother-in-law who had the virtue of being a successful network engineer, but who was undeniably the least cultured person in town. Ben found this very humiliating and labored to introduce the poor creature to the finer things in life.
At last, through much effort, Ben persuaded his brother-in-law to accompany him to a presentation of the opera ‘Carmen’. He held his breath, fearing some last minute event would spoil everything, but the day came and Ben and his brother-in-law actually entered the opera house and took their places in an excellent box.
To Ben’s satisfaction the opera seemed to catch his brother-in-law’s fancy at once. He listened open-mouthed and round-eyed, following every move and absorbing every note.
Ben was absolutely triumphant when, as they were leaving the theater, his brother-in-law was singing under his breath, “To-ray-a-dor-uh, guard-un! To-ray-a-dor, To-ray-a-dor!”
Ben said, beaming, “So you like the Toreador Song, do you?”
His brother-in-law replied with excitement, “Of course I do! And as a man of technology and science I’m not afraid of making a prediction, either. I’m telling you, that song’s going to be a hit!”
Posted February 16, 2017
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel while attending an IT conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.
“What happened?” he asked.
I said, “Attacked by a flying saucer.”
Posted February 14, 2017
A network engineer was sitting alone in his office in the Data Center one night when a genie popped up out of his hard drive.
“And what will your third wish be?”
The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”
“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”
“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”
“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”
Posted February 9, 2017
A local nerd, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his programmer friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”
Posted February 8, 2017
A Beatle Song to Program By…(cont.)
Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn’t it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while…
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Posted February 6, 2017
A customer sent an order to an IT supplies distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The Networking products distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”
The next day the collections manager received a call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
Posted February 2, 2017
You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.
Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.
Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.
Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.
Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?
Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.
Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.
Posted January 30, 2017
Two WiFi antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Posted January 29, 2017
A co-worker programmer came to work one day wearing shoes that were identical in style, only one was black and the other brown. I quietly pointed this out to him. He smiled and said, “Unusual, aren’t they? Believe it or not, I’ve got another pair just like this at home.”
Posted January 27, 2017
Things not to say at an IT job interview:
1. “I’ll work so hard you won’t even know I’m there.”
2. “I’ll need all my paid vacation time up front so I’ll be rested when I start.”
3. “You can’t turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.”
4. “When do we eat?”
5. “Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?”
Posted January 26, 2017
Caller: ‘Hi, can you connect me with Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Posted January 21, 2017
I hide photos on my computer of me petting other dogs in a file named ‘Fireworks and vacuums’ so my dog won’t find them.
Posted January 18, 2017
Password Travails
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyTeedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Posted January 15, 2017
Q: Why was the computer so cold?
A: Because it forgot to shut its windows.
Posted January 12, 2017
Finishing up our work at a Computer Networking trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”
Posted January 10, 2017
A Network Engineer went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, the techie took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the nerd’s expense, so he asked, “My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?”
The engineer had no idea.
The driver replied, “The third one was ME!”
The nerd went home to his wife and said to her. “Hey honey, here’s a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?”
His wife was stumped and said, “I don’t know, who?”
The engineer responded, “Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York.”
Posted January 8, 2017
Engineering terms and their translations
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn’t understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Posted January 5, 2017
A Programmer and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.
“Look, a scale,” the coder said to his friend. “Let’s see how my new diet is working out.”
He stepped on the scale.
“I can’t believe it!” he said as he read the result. “I’ve been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I’m heaver than I was before! How can that be?”
He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. “Here, hold my jacket,” he said.
The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.
Not much change.
“Here,” he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. “Hold my Twinkies too.”
Posted January 2, 2017
A Brief History of a Programmer’s New Year’s Resolutions
* Year 1: I will get my weight down below 170.
* Year 2: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
* Year 3: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
* Year 4: I will work out once a week.
* Year 5: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.