IT Jokes: 2016

 

Posted December 31, 2016

As a newly hired Network Engineer who wanted to enroll in my company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?”

 

 

Posted December 30, 2016

My idea of advanced password technology is if you flub one character, a window pops up saying “Close enough, sport” and lets you in.

 

 

Posted December 29, 2016

My co-worker in the IT department, Kimberly, announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to go out during lunch and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

 

 

Posted December 27, 2016

The 12 Bugs of Christmas – A Software Developers’ Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it’s a feature
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

 

 

Posted December 24, 2016

The Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
A glitch on the video screen.

On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen.

On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’s
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eleven damaged CD’s,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged CD’s,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

 

 

Posted December 22, 2016

Q: What is a programmer?

A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you do not understand.

 

 

Posted December 21, 2016

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Your Job as a Network Engineer

~ I can’t come in to the Data Center today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that network upgrade deadline to meet…

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

 

 

Posted December 19, 2016

After being away at an IT Conference for a week before Christmas, Our Network Manager, Tom, thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

Posted December 18, 2016

Our VP of Network Management, who was very autocratic in the office, had just finished a book on how to be “the man of the house.”

He left the office, went home, and stormed in the door walking directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and after I have finished eating, I expect a rich dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director.”

 

 

Posted December 14, 2016

One night, a guy comes home from his job as an embedded systems programmer and finds his wife asleep in bed.

Without turning on a light, he slowly goes over to her side and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

Afterwards, he heads straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he gets there, the light is on and he sees his wife, shaving her legs.

He exclaims, “What are you doing in here?”

She says, “Shhhh!” pointing at the bed, “You’ll wake my mother.”

 

 

Posted December 12, 2016

Q: How many Apple designers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We have 4 newer models of light bulbs in cool new colors for you to purchase. Why be a geek and change a lightbulb?

 

 

Posted December 9, 2016

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, pretty much every day when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant “WIFI”, not “wife”.

 

 

Posted December 8, 2016

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel during a networking security conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.

“What happened?” he asked.

I said, “I was attacked by a flying saucer.”

 

 

Posted December 6, 2016

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123.'”

 

 

Posted December 4, 2016

Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.

“A phone book?” asked her friend.

“You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.”

“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”

 

 

Posted December 3, 2016

Q: How many Steve Jobs’ does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. Steve Jobs will just terminate the light bulb program and have his designers come up with a different type of bulb to sell.

A2: One. He puts the bulb in and tells everyone it’s cool.

 

 

Posted December 1, 2016

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the Data Center where he was Network Manager.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her techie husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

 

 

Posted November 30, 2016

I have been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

 

 

Posted November 27, 2016

DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER

1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.

2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.

5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

8. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

9. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

10. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2018. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

11. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

 

 

Posted November 22, 2016

Q: How many Apple managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work different.

 

 

Posted November 21, 2016

Wanting to surprise her husband, a Network Manager’s wife stops by his office in the Data Center.

When she opens the door, she finds the technology executive with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictates, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

 

 

Posted November 20, 2016

Q: How many MacOS users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change it and two to swear up and down that it was easier than it would be for a WinOS user.

 

 

Posted November 19, 2016

Dissociated Press — The FCC Chairman has announced that his agency will soon require anyone using a light-emitting device to obtain a license.

“We have discovered that light is a form of electro-magnetic radiation, as are radio waves,” the Chairman told a meeting of the National Association of Illuminators. “Light rays do not respect state lines, so their regulation is clearly a federal matter.”

Speaking to reporters after the meeting, a representative of the Compliance and Information Bureau elaborated: “It is necessary to regulate light sources in order to prevent them from interfering with each other. There are only so many colors in the visible spectrum, and if everyone goes around shining lights whenever they feel like it, we’ll have complete chaos! Uncontrolled light bulbs could interfere with the vision of airplane pilots and ambulance drivers, and that presents a serious threat to public safety.”

The spokesperson offered assurances that obtaining a license would be a simple matter of hiring an optical engineer to perform some measurements, and then filling out a few forms and paying a fee of a few hundred dollars for each light-emitting device. However, colors in the red-to-orange part of the visible spectrum will be auctioned off for industrial uses and will not be available to ordinary citizens.

A proposed “Part 15” rule would allow each citizen to operate one candle without a license, but only if the candle is less than 6 inches, tall and no more than 2 inches in diameter. The use of reflectors or lenses with these candles would be prohibited.

 

 

Posted November 17, 2016

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our data center employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

“Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect?”

 

 

Posted November 14, 2016

Q: How many Apple shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the bulb in 20 sockets a day, even though 100 light bulb changes are requested per day. In response to our inability to meet projected demands for light bulb changes, we will lay off 20% of our workforce.

 

 

Posted November 11, 2016

If Microsoft was Jewish

1. Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Ferklemmt.”

2. When you fill up your “C-drive,” you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Draydles.”

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).

6. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

7. “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already – You’re killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn’t hear that!”.

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s toukhes.”

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”.

10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read “leavened floppies.”

11. “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz.”

12. Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.”

13. When running “ScanDisk,” you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!”.

15. A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmootz” on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Shloofie”

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mahjong.”

19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

21. You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.

22. “Year 2000” issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761” issues.

23. Bill Gates’ official theme song would be “If I Were a Rich Man.”

 

 

Posted November 9, 2016

Q: How many Apple testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just write a program that confirms that the room is dark; we don’t actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a new model that will use new bulbs.

 

 

Posted November 5, 2016

New Element: Ad (Administration)

Investigators at a major institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named “Administration”, (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an electronic number of “0”. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administration is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administration causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally
take less than a second. Administration has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. An Administration sample’s mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administration is spontaneously formed whenever morons each a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “Critical Morass.” You will know it when you see it.

 

 

Posted November 3, 2016

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Your Job As A Network Engineer

~ I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous Network Manager, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that network upgrade deadline to meet…

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

 

 

Posted November 2, 2016

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:

10) “This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!”

9) “A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment on his code!”

8) “By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!”

7) “You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!”

6) “Our competitors are without honor!”

5) “Specs are for the weak and timid!”

4) “This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!”

3) “Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!”

2) “My program has just dumped Stova Core!”

1) “Behold, the keyboard of Kahless! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!”

 

 

Posted October 31, 2016

Cat Quotes

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.”

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
pee on your computer.”

 

 

Posted October 27, 2016

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so…They have them aimed at themselves.”

 

 

Posted October 25, 2016

Q: How many Apple vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Apple gets to make the only light bulbs that will fit in the socket.

 

 

Posted October 24, 2016

Stephen is at work programming one day when he notices that his data center coworker, Jeff, is wearing an earring. He knows Jeff to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about this sudden change in fashion sense.

He walks up to Jeff and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” Jeff replies.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our house.”

 

 

Posted October 22, 2016

Q: How many Apple technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to find an enabler so the bulb can be screwed into a faucet.

 

 

Posted October 21, 2016

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks his cah,” the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 

 

Posted October 16, 2016

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That’s a hardware issue.

 

 

Posted October 13, 2016

A group of IT managers were given the team-building assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.

A network engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.  “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”

 

 

Posted October 11, 2016

The elevator in our Data Center malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

 

 

Posted October 8, 2016

OK, let’s consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

 

 

Posted October 5, 2016

Q: How many Apple tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four.

– One to ask “What is the OS and model you are using?”

– one to ask “Have you tried re-starting it?”

– another to ask “Have you tried a clean install?”

– and the last one to say “It must be your 3rd party extensions, because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

 

 

Posted October 4, 2016

One caller to our Help Desk gave me his name, number and problem and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 9634”

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

 

 

Posted October 2, 2016

A data logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies: “Yes!”

 

 

Posted September 28, 2016

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, “Attack or Retreat?”

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, “Yes.”

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, “Yes what?”

The computer instantly replies, “Yes, sir!”

 

 

Posted September 26, 2016

Years of smoking finally caught up with our Network Manager, John, one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

“Do you smoke?” asked a paramedic.

“No,” John whispered. “I quit.”

“That’s good. When did you quit?”

“Around 9:30 this morning.”

 

 

Posted September 25, 2016

My robot doesn’t think he evolved from a computer.

He thinks he was created whole by an engineer.

 

 

Posted September 20, 2016

Frequent use of solvents in my job as a medical electronics manufacturing technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband, a programmer, finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Well” he replied, “if you are going to be formal. So am I.”

 

 

Posted September 16, 2016

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant “WIFI”, not “wife”.

 

 

Posted September 15, 2016

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, “How much are your parrots?”

The salesman answers, “The first one is $1,000.”

“What does he know?”

“He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.”

“How about the second one?”

“The second parrot costs $5,000.”

“What does he know?”

“He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.”

“Then what is the price for the third one?” the buyer is wondering.

“This one costs $20,000.”

“Really?” wonders the excited buyer. “What does he know?”

“This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him ‘THEIR BOSS.'”

 

 

Posted September 12, 2016

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

 

 

Posted September 8, 2016

The Creation by Computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:\>Let there be light

Enter user id.

c:\>God

Enter password.

c:\>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\>Let there be light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create light

Done.

c:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create firmament

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many character’s in specification string. Try again.

c:\>Create dry_land

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\>Create sun_moon_stars

Done.

c:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\>Create fish

Done.

c:\>Create fowl

Done.

c:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\>Create cattle

Done.

c:\>Create creepy_things

Done.

c:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\>Create man

Done.

c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:\>Insert breath

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:\>Create Garden.edn

Done.

c:\>Move man to Garden.edn

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:\>Copy woman from man

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:\>Create desire

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Create freewill

Done.

c:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Create good, evil

Done.

c:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.

 

 

Posted September 5, 2016

A systems programmer asked Siri to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.”

Back came Siri: “Marry a penguin.”

 

 

Posted September 3, 2016

The Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:

“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”

 

 

Posted August 31, 2016

Supposedly an actual tip from an employee handbook at a large Data Center: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

 

 

Posted August 29, 2016

I’ve been feeling really run down lately so I’m going to take the rest of the day off from my Java programming job and try to recuperate.

Some people have told me that it might be an iron deficiency. So apparently I need to take some iron pills or do some ironing… I’m not exactly sure.

 

 

Posted August 25, 2016

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, “Surely you don’t believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?”

Bohr chuckled. “I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!”

 

 

Posted August 24, 2016

If you are a cat owner, here are the top five signs your cat has learned to access the internet:

5. You are suddenly subscribed to a newsletter called “How to Manipulate Your Owner.”

4. You notice a strangely high number of ads for cat food in bulk.

3. Your online username has been changed to “PurrrfectCitizen.”

2. You start getting book recommendations for a fur grooming course.

1. You get email from some guy named “Fluffy.”

 

 

Posted August 22, 2016

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This”, he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

A smartaleck who ran a joke blog stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: “Fishing off Florida.”

The smartaleck laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartaleck said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?” Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.”

 

 

Posted August 18, 2016

Q: A systems integrator from Los Angeles drove toward New York for a big network installation project in St. Louis at 110 miles per hour and his network engineering partner from New York drove toward Los Angeles at 115 m.p.h. Where did they meet?

A: In jail!

 

 

Posted August 17, 2016

Q: Why is a computer so smart?

A: It listens to its motherboard!

 

 

Posted August 13, 2016

Why can’t programmers tell the difference between Christmas and Thanksgiving?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

 

 

Posted August 11, 2016

I had been doing Tech Support for a major printer company for about a month…
… when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

 

 

Posted August 7, 2016

The CTO from our company received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“Why would you say that?” wondered our head techie.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

 

 

Posted August 4, 2016

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here’s how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The “Browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

 

 

Posted August 2, 20166

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers, “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You got male!”

 

 

Posted July 30, 2016

One of our IT department programmers complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second IT worker.

“I’m seriously considering it, but I’d like to lose another 10 pounds first.”

 

 

Posted July 26, 2016

A very successful CIO had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his IT employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After the nurse inserted the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”

 

 

Posted July 23, 2016

A Latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Data Center environment:

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.  “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: “Don’t bother asking him … he’s 404, man.”

Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip
malls, subdivisions. Used as in: “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”

Ohno-second – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is Dyan, my … um … friend.”

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Chips and Salsa – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

 

 

Posted July 21, 2016

A network engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.

The network engineer says, “We can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow.”

The chemist says, “With the right materials we could build a really smoky fire and try to signal a plane.”

The economist says, “Okay let’s assume we have a boat…”

 

 

Posted July 18, 2016

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

 

Posted July 16, 2016

“The greatest thing about the Internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source.”

— Benjamin Franklin

 

 

Posted July 14, 2016

A young college girl came running in tears to her father, our CIO. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the CIO.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

 

 

Posted July 12, 2016

A Sys Admin stranded for several months on a small, deserted island one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands pulled out the message.

“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

 

 

Posted July 9, 2016

Sesquipedalian Expressions

1. Scintillate, scintillate asteroid minute.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.

2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
Birds of a feather flock together.

3. Surveillance should precede saltation.
Look before you leap.

4. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactose fluid.
Don’t cry over spilled milk.

5. Freedom from encrustation of grime is contiguous to divinity.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

7. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuver.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

8. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
Spare the rod and spoil the child.

9. The temperature of aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 fahrenheit.
A watched pot never boils.

10. Neophyte’s serendipity.
Beginner’s luck.

11. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
Dead men don’t talk.

12. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

13. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
All that glitters is not gold.

14. Where there are visible vapors having their province in ignited carbonaceous material there is conflagration.
Where there’s smoke there’s fire.

15. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
Beggers can’t be choosers.

16. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques dilapidates the potable concoction produced by steeping comestibles.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

17. Exclusive dedication to necessary chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders john a hebephrenic fellow.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

18. A revolving lathic conglomerate accumulates no diminutive glaucous syrophytic plants.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.

19. The person with the ultimate cachinnation possesses, thereby, the optimal cachinnation.
He who laughs last, laughs best.

20. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the potential of fracturing my osseous structure but appellations will eternally be benign.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

21. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
Beauty is only skin deep.

22. You are cordially invited to the theological place of eternal punishment.
GO TO HELL!

 

 

Posted July 6, 2016

Video Gamer #1: “I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.”

Video Gamer #2: “Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.”

 

 

Posted July 4, 2016

Our Network Manager had to take on a sport, under his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of days his secretary asks him how he’s doing.

“It’s going fine,” the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'”

“Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks.

“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me?'”

 

 

Posted July 2, 2016

A co-worker in our Data Center was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the summer. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, “She’s half as old as I am, that’s how I always remember.”

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, “That’s neat… So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?” My co-worker thought about that, and then said, “Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.”

 

 

Posted July 1, 2016

A network engineer, an application developer, and a statistician are out hunting. The engineer shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the developer takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ’em!”

 

 

Posted June 26, 2016

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

 

 

Posted June 23, 2016

Memo from CIO to VP IT:

Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for Data Center employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from VP IT to Director IT:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The CIO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Director IT to Network Manager:

The CIO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Network Manager to Network Lead Engineer:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CIO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Network Lead Engineer to Data Center staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CIO disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

 

 

Posted June 21, 2016

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its protective cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here’s how it works…

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard.

The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of sheets in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the educational and entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

 

 

Posted June 18, 2016

The company my brother worked for as a network engineer had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late upgrading the network, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

The caller would often reply with something like, “But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.)

 

 

Posted June 14, 2016

Three systems integrators were installing a new network in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so the network engineers had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story – each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke. As they ascended the flight to the 102nd floor, the third man said, “I forgot the key.”

 

 

Posted June 12, 2016

Our Network Manager complained that I don’t listen to him – at least I think that’s what he said.

 

 

Posted June 10, 2016

The Ultimate Metric Conversion Chart

1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone

1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

2 wharves = 1 paradox

 

 

Posted June 9, 2016

A grizzled, old network engineer checked into a New York hotel for an IT conference. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

“No need for that, young man,” snapped the techie old timer. “I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock.”

“Very good, sir,” the clerk replied, then asked, “Would you mind calling me at six?”

 

 

Posted June 6, 2016

Q: Why did the network server need a jacket?

A: Because it kept freezing.

 

 

Posted June 4, 2016

Two network engineers are standing on the tee at an exclusive golf club. Suddenly the first guy starts holding his ear and listening intently. Noticing the look of confusion on his partner’s face, he explains that he has had his mobile phone receiver implanted into his ear so that he can pick up urgent messages from the office.

At the second hole he starts to talk loudly to nobody in particular. Once again he explains that using the latest state-of-the-art technology he has had one of his teeth microchipped, allowing him to speak to people without the inconvenience of holding a phone to his ear.

Suddenly on the third hole he screws up his face, clutches his stomach, darts behind a bush, drops his trousers, and squats.

His partner cannot believe what he is seeing, and shouts, “What the hell are you doing?”

To which the other guy replies, “Be with you in a minute…just gotta print something!”

 

 

Posted June 3, 2016

We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.

It was raining hard and I couldn’t play golf either so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.

Seems like a nice person.

 

 

Posted June 1, 2016

Some 1990’s Retro Tips for the Digitally Clueless

If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

When the PC says, “Insert diskette #2,” don’t do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you’re sure you can make them both fit in there.

When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mail room and look for a package.

The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn’t translate English language web pages into French.

If you’re in the armed services, and it’s April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t.

If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Macintosh.

 

 

Posted May 30, 2016

The Network Manager joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike, a network engineer.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”

“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”

 

 

Posted May 26, 2016

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

 

 

Posted May 24, 2016

Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?

A: It megahertz.

 

 

Posted May 21, 2016

We all have had to deal with user manuals that were not as clear and concise as we wanted them to be. Well, fear not, the manual you are about to read leaves nothing to be desired.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-headed consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

You already unpacked it, didn’t you? You unpacked it and turned it on and fiddled with the buttons, right? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently deep-froze the device for six days. Now let’s talk about it:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the shipping people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR SUE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Sue really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing. It is not without irony that Sue’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will reject your refund claim.

Besides the device, the box should also contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”.

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of cable.

* IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get through half the driveway without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why.” WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry, which, in a continuing effort to improve safety developed this revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small figurines made of chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a handkerchief.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN CHINA. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY SANDERS OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO CHINA BUT KNOWS SOMEONE WHO HAS FRIENDS THERE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.

Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before midnight, during which time the manufacturer will, at no charge to the owner, send the device to our service people, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.

This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

PS: SUE REALLY WANTS THAT ENGAGEMENT RING BACK.

 

 

Posted May 19, 2016

A woman calls her boss, our Network Manager, one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

“What’s the matter?” he asks.

“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.

“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”

“I can’t see my butt coming into work today.”

 

 

Posted May 16, 2016

A Programmer was on his phone in the employee parking lot of a large Data Center, calling a locksmith. “I locked my keys in my sports car!” said the nervous techie.

“No problem, I should be there in about an hour,” replied the locksmith.

“Do you think you can make it a little sooner?” pleaded the man. “My top is down and it’s starting to rain.”

 

 

Posted May 14, 2016

So you want a day off from Network Management in the Data Center? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

 

 

Posted May 11, 2016

Data Center Hiring Manager: “Where did you receive your training?”

Network Engineering Applicant: “Yale.”

Hiring Manager: “Great, what’s your name?”

Applicant: “Yim Yohnson.”

 

 

Posted May 10, 2016

Mary, a programmer at our office, was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me…the whole world hates me!”

Her brother, busily occupied playing a video game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”

 

 

Posted May 7, 2016

Our Network Manager, a young mother, skeptically examined a new educational toy.

“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.

“It’s designed to adjust the child to live in today’s high tech world, ma’am,” the shop assistant replied, “any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

 

 

Posted May 5, 2016

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123.'”

 

 

Posted May 4, 2016

A network engineer goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”

“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.

“But I want it my way,” says the techie.

“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.

The IT guy says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says. “I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”

“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.

“WELL YOU HAD TIME YESTERDAY!” answers the engineer.

 

 

Posted May 2, 2016

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS10/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Brooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin’ da commands. Da Brooklyn Edition may be recognized by da uniquesness of da openin’ screen. It reads: WINDAS 10″, wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead a da usual “harpy, stringy” music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:

*Recycle Bin is labeled “Staten Island”.
*My Computer is called “My Friggin’ Computa”.
*The Inbox is referred as “Da Trunk”.
*Deleted Items are referred to as “Wacked”, “Erased”, or Rubbed Out”.
*Dial Up Networking is called “Da Bar”.
*Control Panel is known as the “Da Bosses”.
*Performin’ an “Illegal Operation” is known as “Enhancin’ da family business” and will actually maximize WINDOWS10/BROOKLYN EDITION program instead of shuttin’ it down.
*Hard Drive is referred to as “Da BQE Rush Hour”
*Instead of an error message a “You ain’t gonna friggin’ believe dis”! pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION

Ok…………Sure ting
Cancel…..fugetaboutit
Reset…….Start Ova
Yes……….Yeah
No………..Nah
Find……..Put a contract out on
Browse…..Get a looksee
Back……..U toin
Help……..(Help ain’t available -youz don’t need no stinkin’ help)
Stop……..Knock it off
Start……..Move it!
Settings….Here’s da Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don’t recognize da letter “R”. Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 10:

Typa…………A word processin’ program
Printa………..Printer
Calculata……Calculator
Solitare………Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconveniences it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version. Youse gotta problem wit dat?

Bill (“4 eyes”) Gates

 

 

Posted April 30, 2016

While we often marvel at technology advances over the years, a similar revolution has occurred within the Medical industry.  Below is A Short History of Medicine – How humanity has treated illness:

Approximately at the beginning of recorded medical history – “Here, eat this root.”

Year 1000 – “That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.”

Year 1800 – “That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.”

Year 1900 – “That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.”

Year 1950 – “That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.”

Year 2000 – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”

 

 

Posted April 28, 2016

Network Manager: “If everyone’s thinking alike, someone isn’t thinking.”

Network Engineer: “My thoughts exactly!”

 

 

Posted April 26, 2016

Three beggars are begging in New York City

The first one wrote “beg” on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day.

The second one wrote “beg.com” on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

The third one wrote “ebeg” on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting, while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar community.

 

 

Posted April 24, 2016

20 Fun Things to do in the Data Center

1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you ‘got the last one.’

2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say ‘You never can be too careful.’

3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.

4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone’s screen saver.

5. Go into someone’s office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes ‘make it more aerodynamic’.

8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to ‘change the channel’ on people’s computers. When it doesn’t work, mumble something about ‘cheap Chinese crap.’

10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.

11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.

12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.

13. Walk into people’s offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying ‘No sign of him yet, Chief.’

14. When the phone rings, answer by saying ‘KBBL, you’re on the air.’

15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.

16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people’s desk drawers. Ask them if they’ve seen your pills.

17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.

18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.

19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads ‘NO COVER!’ Announce loudly that it’s happy hour.

20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.

 

 

Posted April 23, 2016

A confused young programmer was in a difficult situation: He couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind.

Not willing to give up either, the techie strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

 

 

Posted April 17, 2016

For the first few months of her co-op job in MIS for our state government, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

“I know,” she complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only so much you can pretend you’re doing.”

 

 

Posted April 15, 2016

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test.

The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

“How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 1: It is half empty.

Student writes ‘pessimist’ in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 2: It is half full.

Student writes ‘optimist’ in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

“Oh them!”, the professor says, “I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality.”

 

 

Posted April 12, 2016

While getting dressed one morning, I decided I’d been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.

 

 

Posted April 9, 2016

Inspirational Posters for the Data Center

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos … then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK … means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

 

Posted April 6, 2016

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why American have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

Put your best .3 of a meter forward.

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

Posted April 5, 2016

The Network Engineer’s wife left a note on the fridge:

“It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother.”

The engineer opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold.

He then wondered what the heck she was talking about?

 

 

Posted April 3, 2016

Cyberwocky
[a parody of Lewis Carroll’s “Jabberwocky”]

‘Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

“Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that’s free!
Beware the Chrome cache, and shun
The Yahoo mail id!'”

He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought —
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.

And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!

The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And ’twas absurd, the hype he’d heard
‘Bout sites that he had picked.

“And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!”
He messaged on his MUD.

‘Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

 

 

Posted March 31, 2016

Tech Geek Husband: Do you know that on an average women says between 10,000 to 35,000 words a day?

Wife: Yes, that’s because they have to repeat everything often to men.

Tech Geek Husband: What?

 

 

Posted March 28, 2016

The data center that I work for sometimes puts on what they call “Lunch and Learn” seminars during the employees’ lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we’re supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO’S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager’s permission before attending)

Looks like that question’s been answered…

 

 

Posted March 26, 2016

A sysadmin goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.

“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.

“Nasty?” replies the techie, “this is just the tip of the iceberg!”

 

 

Posted March 23, 2016

Imagine a restaurant visit was like getting tech support – it might go something like this:

Patron: “Waiter!”

Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your support waiter. What seems to be the problem?”

Patron: “There’s a fly in my soup!”

Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.”

Patron: “No, it’s still there.”

Waiter: “Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.”

Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”

Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?”

Patron: “A SOUP bowl!”

Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?”

Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!”

Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”

Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”

Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”

Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?”

Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”

Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?”

Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”

Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now!”

The waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: “Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.”

Patron: “This is potato soup.”

Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.”

Patron: “Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.”

The waiter leaves.

Patron: “Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!”

The check:
Soup of the Day…$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…$2.50
Access to support…$1.00

 

 

Posted March 20, 2016

I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet:

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M and M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all of the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail
from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mailto everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M and Ms – if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.

 

 

Posted March 18, 2016

A programmer, a sysadmin and a network engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The programmer was brought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.

“No,” replied the programmer. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the programmer was released.

Then the sysadmin was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?”

“No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the sysadmin was released.

Then the network engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.

“Yes,” replied the network engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”

 

Posted March 16, 2016

A Beatle Song to Program By…

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
There’s a deadline hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

 

 

Posted March 13, 2016

A Guide to Software Revision Numbers

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there’s substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This is a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or “barely out of beta”. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs …

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it’s really not what the customer needs yet, but we’re working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don’t think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won’t believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that’s been there since 1.0 and wouldn’t stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we’ve got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It’s doubled in size now, by the way, and you’ll need to get more memory and a faster processor …

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time … Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We’re cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it’s been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I’m leaving the company and I’m the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I’ve made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn’t do anything).  They’re talking about obsolescence planning but they’ll try to keep selling it for as long as there’s a buck or two to be made. I’m leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it’ll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

 

 

Posted March 10, 2016

A young video gamer living in his parents’ basement was seeing a psychiatrist for a disorder.

“I am so obsessed with my mother… As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. When I wake up, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.”

The psychiatrist replies: “What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?”

 

 

Posted March 7, 2016

The Creation of the PC

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.  And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.  And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places.  And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet.  But God created programs; small and big… And told them:  Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said – I will create the Programmer;  And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;  And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.  He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.  And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try?  The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use.  And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer;  and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.  And God asked him – What are you looking for?  And the Programmer answered – I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.  And God said – Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows?  And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to!

16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell
Windows.

17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

 

 

Posted March 5, 2016

A network manager walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a corn cob in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

 

 

Posted March 2, 2016

The newly-married network engineer came home from the data center to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked.

“Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again. “I found that the cat had eaten it!”

“Don’t worry, darling,” said her techie husband.

“Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”

 

 

Posted February 28, 2016

Two computer nerds were walking home after a local, high tech convention and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

 

 

Posted February 25, 2016

Our local computer nerd went into his shrink’s office and says, “Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I’m a sports car. The other night I dreamt I was a Trans Am.

“Another night I dreamt I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamt I was a Porsche. What does this mean?”

“Relax,” says the shrink, “You’re just having an auto-body experience.”

 

 

Posted February 22, 2016

We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.

It was raining hard and I couldn’t play golf, either, so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.

Seems like a nice person.

 

 

Posted February 18, 2016

Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:

“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”

 

 

Posted February 16, 2016

A You Know You’re a High-Tech Worker When…

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

You see a good looking person and know it must be a visitor.

You’ve been sitting at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your resume is on a USB drive around your neck.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.

All real work gets started after 5:00pm or on weekends.

10% of the people you work with (boss included) — knows what they do.

Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with satellites”.

 

 

Posted February 13, 2016

A student engineer in the Data Center got engaged. On the first day she wore her ring, none of the other women in the department even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said “Wow! It’s so warm in here today, I think I’ll take off my ring.”

 

 

Posted February 11, 2016

Gullibility Virus alert

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!

Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up on the internet.

The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and share copies of silly hoaxes relating to all kinds of topics. “These are not just people who follow all advice found in horoscopes,” a spokesman said. “Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner.”

However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. One weeping victim reported, “When I first heard about those things, I just accepted them without question. After all, there were dozens of other people believing it, so I thought the virus must be true.” It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, “My name is Jane, and I’ve been hoaxed.”

Now, however, she is spreading the word. “Challenge and check whatever you read,” she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to share multiple copies of such stories with others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, “I read somewhere that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo.” Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.

Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by reminding others what to watch out for.

For every unbelievable message you share with some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.

 

 

Posted February 9, 2016

Things To Do When Your ISP Is Down

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past two years.

3. Shower.

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

7. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

8. You mean there’s something else to do?

 

 

Posted February 7, 2016

Two young men applied for a networking engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications and certifications, were asked to take a test by the network manager.

Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question.

The network manager went up to one of the guys and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

The budding network engineer said, “But why, we both got nine questions right?”

The network manager said, “We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.”

The engineer asked, “And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The network manager replied, “Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, ‘I don’t know,’ you put down, ‘neither do I.’

 

 

Posted February 4, 2016

Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?

A: The mathemortician.

 

 

Posted February 1, 2016

A computer nerd stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip–three pennies.

As the technology geek strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: ‘You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.’

The techie turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. ‘Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?’

‘Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.’ Barely able to conceal his pride, the nerd utters ‘Hmm, true enough.’

‘And this penny, it tells me you’re a bachelor.’ Surprised at her perception, he says, ‘Well, that’s true, too.’

‘And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.’

 

 

Posted January 30, 2016

How to Get a Life

Difficulty Level: Hard

Time Required: Years

It’s not easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t quite as painful as kidney stones. Here’s How:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on Twitter about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.

Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

 

 

Posted January 27, 2016

Tom, a young programmer, had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness.”

“You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief,” the Techie said.

 

 

Posted January 24, 2016

Inspirational Posters for the Data Center

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos … then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK … means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

 

Posted January 22, 2016

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

 

 

Posted January 20, 2016

Google Products We’ll Never See

1. Google Hitman Assistant – Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.

2. Googlearchy – Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.

3. Google Smite – An extension of Google Earth; uses laser beams attached to satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.

4. Google Carnage – Use real-time satellite images to zoom in an see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.

5. Google Ogle – The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.

6. Googlebator – Google’s first attempt at hardware; to be used in conjunction with Google Ogle

7. Google Alibi – Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.

8. Google Telegraph – Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash

9. Google Gaggle – The only search engine for geese.

10. Google Invading Force – Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google’s new troop management tool.

11. Gogoel – Search tool for dyslexics.

 

 

Posted January 17, 2016

Great Ways to Annoy People in the Computer Lab

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it’s set up with.

Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.

If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.

Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.

Play “Pong” for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

 

 

Posted January 15, 2016

25 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

25. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.

24. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.

23. Kirk has sex more than once a season.

22. One Word: Hair.

21. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.

20. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.

19. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.

18. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.

17. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.

16. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.

15. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.

14. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.

13. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.

12. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

11. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?

10. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.

9. Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.

8. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.

7. Two Words: Line Delivery.

6. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.

5. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.

4. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.

3. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.

2. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.

1. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it!

 

Posted January 12, 2016

IRA Pension Investment Definitions for IT employees

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.  Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your Sys Admin gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your network manager’s presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir?  Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

 

 

Posted January 10, 2016

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a paint job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!”

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”

“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of former network engineers laying sod across the street.

 

 

Posted January 7, 2016

My sister landed a good job as a programmer with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.  The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.  However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”

 

Posted January 4, 2016

A young programmer checks into a hotel on a business trip for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The techie says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on it.”