IT Jokes: 2015
Posted December 31, 2015
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU’RE A NERD
15. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
14. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
13. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
12. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
11. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
10. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…
3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.
2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
Posted December 29, 20155
Oh the Internet is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it’s so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn’t show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
It’s time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we’re still denying,
But as long as dial up is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
Posted December 27, 2015
Twas the Night Before Crisis
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn’t a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!
The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.
He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.
The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client’s last changes
Were even included!
And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for,
But it’s not what I want!”
Posted December 26, 2015
A Mad Scientist Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox,
I still need to locate my husband’s clean socks…
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.
When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt,
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask,
I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask.
I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
Dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.
Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
“Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I’m Hanta Claus!”
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
“Did you bring all of these germies for me?”
“Oh yes,” said Hanta, “I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, I’m saving society.
“You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore I’m glad to oblige who it pleases.”
Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a year’s stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.
The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!
At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
“Thanks for the presents,” I said, shaking his hand,
“They’ll keep me off the streets, you understand.”
Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!”
Posted December 24, 2015
The 12 Bugs of Christmas – A Software Developers’ Version
1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it’s a feature
Say it’s not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Posted December 23, 2015
WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
Posted December 22, 2015
The Technical Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
AN ALGORITHM IN A SPANNING TREE
On the second day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
Two LLC’s…………………….(Chorus)
On the third day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
THREE ETHERNETS……………….(CHORUS)
On the fourth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
FOUR TOKEN BUSES………………(CHORUS)
On the fifth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
F I V E T O K E N R I N G S!….(CHORUS)
On the sixth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SIX MANs A’MANNING…………….(CHORUS)
On the seventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SEVEN BROADS A’BANDING…………(CHORUS)
On the eighth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
EIGHT FIBERS SPARKLING…………(CHORUS)
On the ninth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
NINE VIDEOS TALKING……………(CHORUS)
On the tenth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TEN VLANS ENCRYPTED……………(CHORUS)
On the eleventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
ELEVEN LANS SANS WIRES…………(CHORUS)
On the twelveth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TWELVE FAST ETHERNETS………….
(CHORUS, WITH FOUR PART HARMONY AND FEELING!)
Posted December 21, 2015
Techie Christmas Tunes
‘Twas the ‘Net before Christmas
Santa Claus is modem to town
Up On The Desktop
“Quark,” The Herald Angels Sing
Gateway In A Manger
The First AOL
INTEL IT On The Mountain
.COM All Ye Faithful
JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Joy To The World Wide Web
Posted December 20, 2015
Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”
5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Posted December 18, 2015
The X-FILES Christmas Case
“We’re too late! It’s already been here.”
“Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.”
“You really think someone’s been here?”
“Someone or some THING.”
“Mulder, over here – it’s a fruitcake.”
“Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.”
“It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: ‘Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.'”
“It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.”
“Who? What are you talking about?”
“Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.”
“But that’s legend, Mulder — a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?”
“Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive — and in a hurry.”
“It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.”
“It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.”
“But why would they leave it milk and cookies?”
“Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.”
“But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.”
“Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.”
“Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.”
“But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?”
“You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?”
“Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.”
“Impossible.”
“I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!”
“I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.”
“Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.”
“But we have no proof.”
“Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.”
“But that was a meteor shower.”
“Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody – not even the zookeeper – was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.”
“Mulder, I –”
“Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?”
“On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.”
“The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.”
Posted December 16, 2015
Top 10 New Star Trek Next Generation Toys For Christmas
10. “Borg Adapter Kit” Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will allow you to assimilate any of your action figures
9. “Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility”
8. “Borg Ship” with assimilation area and places to put disassembled parts of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy
7. “My First Tricorder”
6. “Holodeck play set” You, too, can recreate all those great holodeck program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with Lieutenant Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to minors)
5. “Screwed-up timeline Series” Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes”
A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
D. Time’s arrow Play set (complete with Data’s head, two pocket watches, the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)
4. “Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory”
3. “Kill Wesly Play Set” Now you can finally do all those things to Wesley Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with “Crash Test Dummy” Action figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)
2. “Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set” With falling barrels, crates of leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an unstable gateway to another world.
and the number one Star Trek Next Generation Toy this Christmas:
1. A fully functional Phaser
Posted December 12, 2015
Internet Chatroom Christmas
‘Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There’d be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There’d be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I’ll be alone, my computer and me.
I won’t race to the window, and see him then.
I’ll just sit right here….. with windows ten.
There’s no one I know, as I’m surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that’s about.
As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn’t expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn’t, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it’s the first time, she’d ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on… tonight.
He’s away on some business; He’ll be gone all night.
So, she thought she’d use it, “I guess it’s all right.”
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me…… she was oversexed.
She didn’t have sex, with her husband, she told.
He’s always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn’t go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn’t mind, meeting her here.
She said, only…. on this night, she could be found.
It is only…. this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off…..and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered……..with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!
Posted December 10, 2015
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Star Trek: The Next Generation Style
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
in hopes that no aliens would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a nice face to face…
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt form our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
The bridge Red Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped to the bridge and addressed us by name:
“It’s Riker! It’s Data! It’s Worf! and Jean-Luc!
It’s Geordi! and Wesly, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge! To the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!”
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies then flew,
As the captain called out, “What the…is this, Q?!”
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
“That’s enough!” cried the captain, “You’ll stop this at Once!”
And Riker said, “Worf! Take aim at this dunce!”
“I’m deeply offended, Jean-Luc,” replied Q,
“I just want to celebrate Christmas with you.”
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack,
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
“I’ve brought gifts,” he said, “just to show I’m sincere.
There’s something delightful for everyone here.”
He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
“For Counselor Troi, there’s no need to explain,
Here’s Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I’ve some mints as his breath is not too great,
And for Geordi Laforge, and inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data a Joke Book, for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there’s sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way.”
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we herd him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!”
Posted December 7, 2015
A nonstop video gamer goes in to see a psychologist and says, “It seems I can’t make any friends and I have no idea why. Can you help me, you ignorant fool?”
Posted December 4, 2015
The Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
A glitch on the video screen.
On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen.
On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’s,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’s
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE’S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
Posted December 2, 2015
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes.
He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Posted November 29, 2015
Nerd living in his parent’s basement: “Mom, there’s a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk’s Home. Shall I give him Grandma?”
Posted November 25, 2015
Overheard in the Data Center around Thanksgiving time:
“Twenty minutes per pound? Hey, if I could do math I’d be able to hire someone else to cook!”
Posted November 22, 2015
Geek’s Thanksgiving
1. Be thankful you haven’t been phished!
2. Be thankful your computer isn’t down!
3. Be thankful your favorite social media site isn’t down!
4. Be thankful you don’t have a ransomware virus!
5. Be thankful your router isn’t down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites on any minor topic to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are online!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn’t gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28-year-old chatroom friend really isn’t 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connection!
11. Be thankful for free wifi where you need it!
Posted November 19, 2015
Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist!
Seems that scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttles all-traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: “THAW THE CHICKEN”!
Posted November 18, 2015
A local video gamer living in the basement of his parents walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.
So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the geek is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says, “Hey buddy, what’s your hurry?”
The nerd says, “If you had what I have you would do the same thing!”
The bartender backs up and says, “What do you have?”
The gamer says, “About 75 cents!!”
Posted November 14, 2015
1980’s & 1990’s Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
WWW – World Wide Wait
COBOL – Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
CD-ROM – Consumer Device – Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.
MIPS – Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
DOS – Defective Operating System
BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
DEC – Do Expect Cuts
Posted November 13, 2015
They say that the new super computer in the data center knows everything.
A skeptical executive came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer loaded for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father is in San Diego.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband is in San Diego. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
Posted November 11, 2015
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
Doctor: “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”
Pastor: “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
George: “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
Doctor: “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
Engineer: “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Posted November 7, 2015
Thoughts From The IT Workplace…(cont.)
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all
day.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Posted November 5, 2015
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”
Posted November 3, 201555
Why did the Network Architect think his dog was a great mathematician?
When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
Posted November 1, 2015
Thoughts From The IT Workplace…(cont.)
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Posted October 30, 2015
OK, with the Witching Hour almost upon us, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
$665.95………………….Retail price of the Beast
$699.25…………….Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95………….Price of the Beast with all accessories & replacement soul
$656.66………………….Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66……………Next week’s Walmart price of the Beast
00666…………………….Zip code of the Beast
1-666 …………………….Area code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 ……Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
660……………………….Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI…………………Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000…………………Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 …………………….Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 ……………………..Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1)…………………Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010………………Binary of the Beast
Phillips 666………………Gasoline of the Beast
$6.66 9/10………………..Price of a Beast gasoline
Route 666………………..Way of the Beast
666 F…………………….Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k……………………..Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66%………5 year CD rate First Beast National Bank, $666 min. deposit.
* i66686……………………CPU of the Beast
666i …………………….. BMW of the Beast
DSM-666……….Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668……………………….Next-door neighbor of the Beast
666 mg………..Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Excel 6-6-6……………….Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66………………..Word Processor of the Beast
6 h. 66 min………………..Beast Standard Time (BST)
Boeing 666…………………”A jet for the Beast Age”
Beverly Hills 66666……….Beast’s favorite TV show
6/6/66……………………..The birth date of the Beast
666-66-6666…………The Social Security number of the Beast
6666……………………….The PIN of the Beast
25.806975…………………The square root of the Beast
Motel 666………………….Beast Western
Windows 2006 ver.666………OS of the Beast
6, uh, uh…………..Number of the Blonde Beast
Posted October 27, 2015
When Smith, a longtime network engineer, learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”
The VP of Network Infrastructure agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, “Nate Smith worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”
Posted October 25, 2015
Thoughts From The IT Workplace…(cont.)
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Posted October 23, 2015
Latin Phrases for Nerds
Vini. Vidi. Golfi.
I came. I saw. I golfed.
Flexilis sum, gluten es, me resilit, ad te haeret.
I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces off me, sticks to you.
Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima?
Do you by any chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?
Perscripto in manibus tabellariorum est.
The check is in the mail.
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimisexponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on wind swept crags.
Die dulci fruere.Have a nice day.Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I’ve got to see a man about a dog.
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxumimmanemittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn’t walk in front of any catapults.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Vacca foeda
Stupid cow
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don’t you dare erase my hard disk!
Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can’t say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn’t rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quamelenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we’ll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiampossit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Nihil est–in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing–in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus etfructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced,high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Posted October 18, 2015
Thoughts From The IT Workplace…(cont.)
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Posted October 16, 2015
While talking with my semi-deaf, co-worker in the data center one day, I noticed that his “hearing aid” was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
“How does that help your hearing?” I asked.
“Don’t help my hearing none,” he replied. “Makes people talk louder.”
Posted October 12, 2015
Thoughts From The IT Workplace…
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
We put the “k” in “kwality.”
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Posted October 9, 2015
Cyclic Numbers
142857 is a cyclic number – its digits always appear in the same order
but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:
142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142
Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7.
Posted October 8, 2015
Why is sex like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.
Posted October 5, 2015
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization…
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!
IT REALLY WORKS!
Posted October 2, 2015
Heather and Marcy, two database administrators, hadn’t seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.
The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn’t anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
“He’s perfect. He’s handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I’ve been waiting to hear a man say to me!”
“He said ‘will you marry me’?” Marcy asked.
Heather replied, “No, he said ‘put your money away’.”
Posted September 29, 2015
This is the story of four people working in a Data Center named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important application integration job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Posted September 26, 2015
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.
To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, “Attack or Retreat?”
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, “Yes.”
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, “Yes what?”
The computer instantly replies, “Yes, sir!”
Posted September 25, 2015
Keys to Success for IT Managers (cont.)
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing — they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” — a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Posted September 21, 2015
A thousand words are worth a picture– and they load faster, too.
Posted September 20, 2015
Keys to Success for IT Managers
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss — and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you
learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
Posted September 15, 2015
One programmer speaking to a fellow coder:
“This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o’clock race, so I backed the seventh.”
“Did he win?”
“No, he came in seventh.”
Posted September 13, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy’s Technology Laws will jam the printer.
Posted September 11, 2015
New Customer to Tech Support:
Customer: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens.”
Tech Support: “Can you try again and tell me what happens?”
Customer: “Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?”
After a moment and some chickling sound the customer replied: “Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.”
Posted September 7, 2015
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband, a software programmer, was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
“You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”
“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
Posted September 4, 2015
A software engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep.
The software engineer says: “What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black,” replies the experimental physicist.
The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says, “Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.”
“Well,” the philosopher responds, “on one side, anyway.”
Posted September 1, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Posted August 30, 2015
At three o’clock one morning an On-Call Network Support Engineer was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone.
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” said a voice at the other end of the line.
“That’s all right,” said the tech, “I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”
Posted August 28, 2015
A young programmer was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.
“Every thought I have turns to my mother,” the UNIX coder told the psychiatrist.
“As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.”
The psychiatrist replied, “What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?”
Posted August 25, 2015
It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Posted August 23, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Posted August 20, 2015
Sesame Street goes Interactive
10. The Count now says “point 0” at the end of every number.
9. All bug Muppets will now be renamed “features.”
8. Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. “Do you really want to delete Oscar?”
7. Mr. Snuffleupagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up.
6. Sesame Street’s renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit against Microsoft, in which high-tech attorneys learn how to share.
5. Cookie Monster is renamed Cookie Friend and sells his book, “How to Track Who’s Using Your Site for Fun and Profit” with continuously running onscreen banner ads.
4. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other…
3. Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, Pascal, Oracle, C++ and something called, Adobe Acrobat.
2. Bill Gates admits that he’s been doing the voice for Kermit the Frog since 1989.
1. “Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition.”
Posted August 19, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
In designing any type of new data center layout, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Posted August 17, 2015
My sister landed a good job as a network engineer in a data center with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.
The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.
As they continued home, my sister blurted out, “Isn’t it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?”
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.
However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.
Her husband replied calmly, “Yes.”
Posted August 15, 2015
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of MIS for the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”
Posted August 13, 2015
Fred, our network engineer was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself… “so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth…”
“Holy Cow,” interrupted his friend, “What did he end up with?”
And Fred replied, “Two years in jail.”
Posted August 11, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can’t understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer’s secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
Posted August 9, 2015
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, “How do you feel?”
“How would you feel,” the astronaut replied, “if you were stuck here, on top of thousands or even millions of parts, each one supplied by the lowest bidder?”
Posted August 6, 2015
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese……
Posted August 5, 2015
Top 20 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office
1.The mouse is referred to as a, “critter.”
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5.The password is, “bubba.”
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old “muscle” car.
8.Windows 10 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don’t read too fast.
11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14.The monitor is up on blocks.
15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17.The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, “Dueling Banjos” playing in the background.
18.The six front keys have rotted out.
19.John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Posted August 2, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbor File.”
Posted August 1, 2015
When the office printouts began to look faint, the office manager called in a local printer repair service. The friendly computer technician, after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the high volume printer was in need of a good cleaning.
The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00 if he did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”
“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers. After people try first to fix things themselves, we end up making much more money on repairs.”
Posted July 30, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
Posted July 28, 2015
Why Some Countries CAN’T Go Metric!
If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.609 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Posted July 26, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
Posted July 23, 2015
Wife of Network Engineer: “You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?”
Techie Husband: “No thanks. I’m too tired. Let’s just eat at home.”
Posted July 21, 2015
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a data center worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had four apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly the techie replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have four apples.”
Posted July 20, 2015
Items From the Food Periodic Table
•Rh: Rhubarb – Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.
•Co: Coffee – Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey
•V: Velveeta – Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.
•Ds: Diet soda – Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.
•Uuh: Unidentifiable – What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.
•Li: Limburger – A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.
•Fr: Frankfurter – Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard,
K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.
… and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table …
•Pr: Produce – Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.
Posted July 17, 2015
Why engineers don’t write recipe books.
Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:
•532.35 cm3 gluten
•4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
•4.9 cm3 refined halite
•236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
•177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
•177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
•4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
•Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
•473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
•236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
Directions:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Posted July 15, 2015
A new Data Center manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong – the usual stuff – and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the Data Center is experiencing a loss in performance, combined with serious software development problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the department quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes”
Posted July 12, 2015
Our Network Manager left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife, a newly hired sytems programmer for another company, was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her new email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor and let out a piercing scream.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: “Dearest Wife: I just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.”
Posted July 9, 2015
The newly-married Help Desk Technician came home from his IT department office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked.
“Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again. “I found that the cat had eaten it!”
“Don’t worry, darling,” said her techie husband. “Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”
Posted July 7, 2015
Our Network Managerrk Manager went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, ‘What would happen if this does not work?’
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, ‘Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.’
Posted July 6, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
Posted July 2, 2015
Q: How many graduate students in Computer Science does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
Posted June 27, 2015
Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your Data Center.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in software development who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Posted June 25, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
Nothing motivates a network engineer more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.
Posted June 21, 2015
Our CTO, Ted, came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him, and he said, “Well, I ran into Mary – you remember my ex-wife? – and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me.”
“Well,” said his wife, “I’ll just let you rest, then. I can see you’re ex-sauced, Ted.”
Posted June 18, 20155
Our network manager and his wife recently bought a new boat to use for their regular fishing trips. Although they enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was our Network Manager who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Honey, take the wheel… Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a technical manual. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,
“Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”
Posted June 16, 2015
Our CIO, Dave, lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night.
One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Dave decided to stop at a nearby bar.
When he got back to the pier, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Dave, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Dave to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”
Posted June 14, 2015
BEWARE: McD100GB (or shades of Y2K…)
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald’s restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald’s signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald’s signs will read “00 Billion Burgers Sold.” This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald’s hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald’s products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
“The people who know — the sign-makers — are really scared of 100GB”, one expert said. “I don’t know about you, but I’m digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills.”
Posted June 12, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Posted June 8, 2015
Three database administrators are debating who has the best memory.
First DBA says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”
Second DBA says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”
Not to be outdone, the third DBA says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.”
Posted June 5, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Posted June 2, 2015
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…
– You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
– Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
– All of your friends have an @ in their names.
– Your dog has its own home page.
– You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have an Internet connection.
– You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
– You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
– You get a new suit that says, “This best viewed with Internet Explorer 9.0 or higher.”
– The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
– Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer so the two of you can chat.
– You Tweet more than you talk.
– You have 4,000 friends on Facebook you never have met.
Posted May 31, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont..
All’s well that ends.
A design meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Posted May 28, 2015
The cabling contractor ordered one of his men to dig a trench eight feet deep to lay down some fiber optic cable. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the trench wouldn’t be needed. “Fill ‘er up,” he ordered.
The cable installer did as he’d been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn’t get all the dirt packed back into the trench without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. “Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There’s obviously only one thing to do. You’ll have to dig that trench deeper!”
Posted May 26, 2015
While most IT Departments refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking beer at work in the Data Center include:
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
Posted May 24, 20155
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Posted May 21, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a workbench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
Posted May 20, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws, cont.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
Posted May 17, 2015
The Data Center Salary Theorem states that Network Engineers and Data Scientists can never earn as much as business executives and salespeople. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.
Posted May 15, 2015
Murphy’s Technology Laws
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Posted May 13, 2015
Some staff tell the secret of their Network Manager’s long marriage. The married coupls takes time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays, he goes Fridays.
Posted May 10, 2015
Differences between You (Network Engineer) and Your Boss (Data Center Manager)
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you please your boss, you’re apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
Posted May 9, 2015
A New York computer programmer was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?” the techie snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
Posted May 6, 2015
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Posted May 5, 20155
A Data Center Manager was looking for data entry help. They put an ad in the paper and a sign outside the building, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the office, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the network manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the computer and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He printed out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went back to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”.
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow”.
Posted April 30, 2015
“How come you’re late?” asks the Data Center Manager as the blonde data entry operator walks in the door.
“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute.”
“What did you do?” asks the manager.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”
Posted April 27, 2015
A C++ programmer went into the local mall where he saw a sign on the escalator – “Dogs must be carried on this escalator.”
The tech coder then spent the next two hours looking for a dog.
Posted April 22, 2015
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”
Replied the network engineer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
Posted April 21, 2015
One night, a programmer comes into a restaurant and orders a meal. He looks really down, so the waiter gets worried. “What’s the matter?” he asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explains the coder, “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”
The waiter thinks about this for a while and says, “But isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?”
“Yeah, except today is the last night.”
Posted April 19, 2015
Wife texts network engineer husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”
Posted April 16, 2015
There was a programmer who computed his taxes for 2000 & found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2000 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).
This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.”
Sincerely,
I. Gettook Everyear
Posted April 13, 2015
A Network Manager is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his colleagues, a Sys Admin, happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”
Posted April 8, 2015
More Chat Room Abbreviations
\_/ \_/………………….Soda
(~~)? (~~)3………………Coffee mugs
(_)?…………………….Tea cups (fine china)
(~)……………………..Chilled cups of fresh juice
[%]D…………………….Hot cocoa with mini marshmallows
(#$#$#$#$#$)……………..Plate of hash browns and onions
[:::] [:::]………………Poptarts for all
(sgeg)===………………..Pan of scrambled eggs
<*)((((((>>><…………….Fish
<:))))><…………………Fish
<><……………………..Fish
<3 <3 <3…………………Hearts
@–>–>– ……………….A rose
())))___crayola___)))>…….Crayola Crayon
(::waving::)……………..Waving
{{{a screen name here}}}…..Personal Cyber hugs
{{{ }}}………………….Lots of Hugs
🙂 …………………….Smile or :o) ……with round nose
(:D) ……………………Big Grin
:o………………………Surprised
:O………………………REALLY Surprised
:D………………………Laughing/smiling :oD…..with nose
:+ or :o+………………Kiss
:* or :o*………………Whistle
😉 or ;o)………………Wink
😡 or :ox………………My lips are sealed
}:(……………………..Mad
=)………………………Smiley face
🙁 or :o(………………Frown
:'( or :,( or :,o(……….Crying
0:)……………………..Angel (Halo is a zero)
(\O/)……………………Angel
\o/ \o/ \o/………………Praising God
Posted April 5, 2015
Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses “windows”.
Posted April 3, 2015
A computer nerd is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.
The geek thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”
Posted April 1, 2015
One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird engineering ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor… not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin’s arrow.
He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga’s in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago… the environmental movement was restricted to a few Druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga’s out to dry.
He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place.
After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his technical advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his scientists and engineers stuck standing there.
Until of course, one of his engineers whispered to him: . . . “Beware, the tides of starch.”
Posted March 29, 2015
CIO to CEO: “Given a choice between dancing pigs and security, users will pick dancing pigs every time.”
Posted March 26, 2015
Two network engineers working in a data center were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.
“How are you going to do that?”
“Watch,” he replied, and just stood in place.
The network manager asked what he was doing, and the man responded, “I’m a light bulb.”
“I think you need some time off,” the network manager said, and the first man walked out of the data center.
After a moment, the second man followed him.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the manager shouted.
“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.
Posted March 24, 2015
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband, a systems administrator for a large insurance company was engrossed in a networking magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” the techie said.
Posted March 22, 2015
A young network security engineer was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”
The techie replied, “Just a minute.”
He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you!”
Posted March 19, 2015
Programmer #1: “I thought you were trying to get into shape?”
Programmer #2: “I am. The shape I’ve selected is a triangle.”
Posted March 17, 2015
Laws of Programming
“Weinberg’s Second Law”
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
“Law of Cybernetic Entomology”
There is always one more bug.
“Weiler’s Law”
Nothing is impossible for the programmer who doesn’t have to do it himself.
Posted March 15, 2015
Q: If someone from the 1950s appeared in today’s world, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life in our modern times?
A: I possess a device, which I carry in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to humankind. I use it to look at pictures of dogs, and to tell my friends what I ate for lunch.
Posted March 13, 2015
A Poem For Those IT Folks Over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Posted March 10, 2015
The senior executive dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of water and a comforting word. “You look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer system broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
Posted March 8, 2015
Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Network Data Centers, however, often try other strategies. These include…
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like “This is the way we always have ridden this horse”
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead”.
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is now “better, faster and cheaper.”
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Posted March 4, 2015
When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
Posted March 2, 2015
Three network engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three network engineers bought only one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered one of the IT guys.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three network engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the IT guys on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the network engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three network engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the IT guys left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
Posted February 28, 2015
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he’s got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in “penis”…
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computerreplied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***
Posted February 26, 2015
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Posted February 24, 2015
A woman wrote to the help desk – the result is below:
Dear Help Desk,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as football 5.0 and basketball 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!
–Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 has the potential to be a great program. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.
–Help Desk
Posted February 22, 2015
A Poem For Those Over 40
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Posted February 19, 2015
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Documentation?
Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
You can’t say this?
What a shame, Sir!
We’ll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Posted February 17, 2015
Once there was a Silicon Valley millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party for all of his high tech friends and colleagues.
During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The guests all turn to see a programmer colleague in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.
Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The programmer says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”
Posted February 15, 2015
Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One, a pilot, had to go on a space walk while the other, an engineer, stayed inside.
When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, ‘Who’s there?’
Posted February 13, 2015
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”
Posted February 8, 2015
Returning home from work, a blonde data center secretary was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’
Posted February 4, 2015
A computer nerd, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend, another techie geek, a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”
Posted February 1, 2015
Later this year, it will be the 49th anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. And if you already knew that, it’s probably the only anniversary you have to remember.
Posted January 29, 2015
“How are you getting on with your Cisco certification exams?”
“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”
Posted January 27, 2015
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!
If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on find.
“Help” with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a pizza would be on its way to you…
Posted January 25, 2015
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in Data Center
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your CIO shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your CIO does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.”
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep ’em tuned up.”
12. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think?”
13. While making presentations to fellow network engineers, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask all of the sys admins mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles”.
Posted January 23, 2015
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named “Fireworks and Vacuums” so my dog won’t find them.
Posted January 20, 2015
Job Application:
Two young electronics engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicants inquired.
”Simple,” said the department manager, ”Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.
Posted January 17, 2015
The Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:
“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”
Posted January 15, 2015
A network engineer was telling his office mate, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.”
“Really,” answered the co-worker. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Posted January 12, 2015
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay”, he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are”.
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”.
“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.
“No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.
Posted January 10, 2015
One caller to our Tech Support Help Desk gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”
“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”
Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”
Posted January 9, 2015
A computer program crashed in the lawyer’s office, so he called a programmer.
The programmer arrived, unpacked his case, did mysterious programmer-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!.”
The programmer quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”
Posted January 4, 2015
One time, I had to tell a programming candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.
After a minute he asked, “Can you tell me which one showed up?”
Posted January 2, 2015
Many years ago, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”
Subsequently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
Not only that, but….
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car7.0” or “Car8.0”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.