IT Jokes: 2013
Posted December 31, 2013
New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies
*I will try to figure out why I “really” need 12 e-mail addresses.
*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
*I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
*I will stop sending e-mail, Skype Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
*I resolve to back up my 500 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year.
*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet – This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
*I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
*I will think of a password other than “password.”
*I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Posted December 26, 2013
You Might Be A Trekker If…
You have ever considered getting Chakotay’s tattoo
You hit the gas pedal on your car and say “Engage”
You tell the cab driver “Warp speed . . . NOW”
Your dogs name is Picard
Your bookcase has more than one shelf reserved for Trek Books
You actually considered buying that $1000 Enterprise scale model from the Franklin Mint
You’re not completely dressed unless you’ve got your communicator pin on
You have Star Trek action figures standing next to computer
While giving the kid a ‘driving lesson’ you say “EnGAGE”
When someone follows you you think they are a Romulan
EEvery bald man you see you think is Patrick Stewart
When you’re mad say “Sir I protest, I am NOT a merry man!”
You bring Klingon dishes to potlucks!
You know what time Star Trek is on in every country
You visit someone, and all you can think to say is, “Good tea. Nice house.”
You consider going out of state to see a con excluding the Grand Slam
You’ve ever ended an *important* meeting with “MAKE IT SO”
You go to the microwave and bark “Tea! EarlGrey! Hot!”
You tap your cell phone and say “yes Uhura!”
You start finding ridged foreheads attractive
You get in an elevator and say what floor you want
You actually try talking to your computer
You ask your mechanic to fix the hesitation in your car when it hits Warp 3
You have a Vulcan Science Academy window decal on your vehicle
Your other vehicle really is a federation starship!
Your bumper sticker says “Human by birth, Klingon by choice”
Your bumper sticker says “human by birth, Klingon by the grace of Kayless”
You hit a pothole in the road and say “captain she canna take any more o’this!”
You pattern your wedding around Miles and Keiko’s
You never use contractions
You wait for a door to open for you
You call your assistant number one
Every time you’re faced with a decision, you say, “um-hmm, I see. Suggestions?”
You look for things, things to make you strong
You know what stardate it is
When the people at work start calling you Q
You respond to every problem by saying “raise shields”
Your car breaks down and you ask the mechanic for a level 1 diagnostic
You’ve ever driven down Wall Street and looked around for Ferengi
You say “Mr sulu, take us home,” when your flight is taking off
You’ve laughed at 90% of these and understood the ‘in’ jokes
You moderate a Trek listserver group at work!
Posted December 23, 2013
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous IT client that I consult for, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
“I’m going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy,” I told her.
“Oh,” she said. “Say hi to Mom.”
Posted December 21, 2013
Heather and Marcy, two database administrators, hadn’t seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.
After discussing the latest in SQL query techniques, the talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn’t anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
“He’s perfect. He’s handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I’ve been waiting to hear a man say to me!”
“He said ‘will you marry me’?” Marcy asked.
Heather replied, “No, he said ‘put your money away’.”
Posted December 18, 2013
My mother was away all weekend at an IT conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”
Posted December 15, 2013
One programmer said to the other, “You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can’t.
Posted December 13, 2013
I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
They remind me of some IT co-workers.
They all hang together, half of them don’t work,
and the ones that do aren’t that bright.
Posted December 11, 2013
SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer’s Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed round the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly reducing him to a smear of goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.
Merry Christmas!
Posted December 10, 2013
Catherine, a database administrator, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the DBA shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.
Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective, high tech employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else. It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”
Posted December 6, 2013
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Crusty Old Programmer: “Honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Crusty Old Programmer: “I don’t really give a crap what you think.”
Posted December 4, 2013
Finally, the good-natured VP of Networking was compelled to call his top network engineer into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the stadium, you have to take your mother to the doctor.”
“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed the IT worker. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking, do you?”
Posted December 1, 2013
Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR Manager asked a young network engineer fresh out of college, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The LAN engineer replies, “In the region of $110,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer asks, “Well, what would you say to benefits of 6-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical/dental/life insurance, company matching pension fund to 50% of salary, and a company car, probably a Mercedes?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Posted November 27, 2013
Our network engineer, Bob, had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss, our Network Manager, was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”
“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”
Posted November 25, 2013
Engineers never make as much money as business executives. Now, finally, a rigorous mathematical proof to explain this phenomenon:
Postulate 1. Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2. Time is Money
As every engineer knows:
WORK
———- = POWER (1)
TIME
The more WORK you put in, the more POWER. Even Better, doing the same WORK in less TIME gives more POWER.
Since KNOWLEDGE=POWER, and TIME=MONEY, we can rewrite Equation (1) as:
WORK
———— = KNOWLEDGE (2)
MONEY
Solving for MONEY we get:
WORK
——————– = MONEY
KNOWLEDGE
Thus, as KNOWLEDGE approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the WORK done.
Inescapable Conclusion: The Less You Know, the More You Make.
Posted November 22, 2013
A young man was applying for a network administrator job in a company.
“I’m sorry,” said the CIO, “but the department is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need.”
“That’s all right,” replied the young man, undiscouraged, “the little bit of work I do won’t be noticed anyway.”
Posted November 20, 2013
Signs You’ve Chosen a “No Frills” Airline to Attend the Latest IT Networking Conference
You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Posted November 18, 2013
Two network engineers, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”
Posted November 16, 2013
Two programmer coworkers were talking by the water fountain and one guy said, “Today I got through the first step of getting divorced.”
The second guy replies, “Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces.”
The first man replies, “No, I just got married.”
Posted November 13, 2013
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The Photon replies, “No I’m traveling light.”
Posted November 12, 2013
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies: “Yes!”
Posted November 11, 2013
Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree in computer science or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off.”
Posted November 7, 2013
Software Development Cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Posted November 4, 2013
At work in the IT department of a large company, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man’s e-mail address and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: “I have put on some weight, but I didn’t realize it was that noticeable.”
His friend’s hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:
“Hi, Ron. I didn’t know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.
Posted November 2, 2013
A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, “Didn’t you hear me?! I’m a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!”
The guy took the frog out and said, “Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don’t have time for a girlfriend,……..but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!”
Posted October 31, 2013
I read programming specifications the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
Posted October 30, 2013
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Posted October 28, 2013
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s
incredible”, says the bartender…”I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5,10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the
neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll
of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns to him and says: “No, I’m ok… I’m just waiting for a fax.”
Posted October 18, 20133
Ten Best pickup lines of James T Kirk
10. Do you come to this planet often?
9. You have the most eyes I’ve ever seen.
8. Would you like to come up and see my dilithium crystals sometime?
7. Want to sit in the captain’s chair? I can get you onto the bridge.
6. What’s the matter? Have a force field around you or something?
5. Didn’t we meet at Ponn farr seven years ago?
4. Is that a shuttlecraft in your bikini, or are you just glad to see me?
3. You really know how to activate my tractor beam!
2. What’s a nice energy pattern like you doing in a quadrant like this?
1. Hey, nice Tribbles!
Posted October 17, 2013
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.
To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, “Attack or Retreat?”
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, “Yes.”
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, “Yes what?”
The computer instantly replies, “Yes, sir!”
Posted October 13, 2013
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military as a network engineer. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.
“Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked:
“Does she like you?”
Posted October 10, 2013
A Canadian customer was calling Tech Support to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…
Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?
Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.
Caller (after a pause): Well, that’s not working for me.
Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?
Caller: Yes, I sure do.
Agent: OK, now press Control-A.
Caller: I am, but nothing happens.
Agent: The text isn’t highlighted?
Caller: No, there’s no change at all.
Agent: That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?
Posted October 7, 2013
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
THAT STUPID IDIOT WAS READING OVER MY SHOULDER WHEN I WROTE THE REPORT
SENT TO YOU EARLIER TODAY. KINDLY READ EVERY SECOND LINE (IE.
1,3,5,7,9…) FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS.
Sd/-
Project Leader
Posted October 5, 2013
Hunting Elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
Posted October 2, 2013
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob, our networking engineer intern inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.”
“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”
“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”
Posted September 29, 2013
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his network engineering employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the IT employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No”.
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me.”
Posted September 26, 2013
A father came home from a long business trip to a Network Computing Conference to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.
“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
Posted September 24, 2013
One day my housework-challenged, programmer husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “Massachusetts Institute of Technology.”
And they say blondes are dumb…
Posted September 22, 2013
Heaven and Hell
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
Posted September 19, 2013
Top 25 Engineer’s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)
A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
Please note and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)
Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
Give us your interpretation. (We can’t wait to hear your bull.)
See me or let’s discuss. (Come to my office, I’ve messed up again.)
All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
Rugged. (Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)
Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
Years of development. (One finally worked)
Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
Fax me the data. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)
We are following the standard! (That’s the way we have always done it!)
I didn’t get your e-mail. (I haven’t checked my e-mail for days.)
Posted September 16, 2013
Bob, our network manager, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, broughtthe box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Posted September 15, 2013
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Posted September 12, 2013
An IT executive calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies; “I did, they were in your tackle box.”
Posted September 9, 2013
If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.609 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Posted September 6, 2013
Three absent minded programmers were busy discussing a coding project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the programmers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.
A passerby who saw all this came up to the programmer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The programmer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.
Posted September 3, 2013
COMPUTER TERMS – TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer “c’mon in, y’all”
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can’t ‘member what ya paid fer the rifle
Posted August 31, 2013
A guy came home to his wife and said, “Guess what? I’ve found a great Support Desk job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”
“That’s great,” his wife said.
“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”
Posted August 27, 2013
“Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company.”
“Would you spell that, please?”
“Certainly. That’s C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.”
“Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with my supervisor.”
Posted August 25, 2013
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a key- board. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Posted August 21, 2013
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell my smartphone, MP3 player, tablet, laptop, desktop, printer and fax machine.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?”
Posted August 18, 2013
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied
with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the developer?”
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don’t eat a person who is working!”
Posted August 14, 2013
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
“Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked.
“I am real,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?”
Posted August 12, 2013
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”
Posted August 10, 2013
The newly-married Network Engineer came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked.
“Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again. “I found that the cat had eaten it!”
“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”
Posted August 6, 2013
Did you read that scientists have recently decoded the first low-frequency radio waves from an alien civilization ever to reach Earth…!
It said:
Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Posted August 3, 2013
During an important Cloud Networking conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
Posted July 31, 201333
The Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:
“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”
Posted July 29, 2013
A Network Manager enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket protector, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket protector and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The techie replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”
Posted July 28, 2013
Sue and Deb are having a conversation while waiting for a large piece of IT software code to compile. Sue asks, “So, Deb, how’s your sex life these days?”
Deb replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”
“Social Security?” Sue asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”
Posted July 25, 201333
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, “Actually, sir, it’s cooling the room. The computer is over there.”
Posted July 23, 2013
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
“I wonder why he didn’t land,” I said.
“He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,” the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. “It looks plowed to me,” I commented.
“No,” my seat mate said. “It hasn’t been cleared for some time.”
“How can you tell?” I asked.
“Because,” the man informed me, “I’m the guy who drives the plow.”
Posted July 20, 2013
A customer called our service line demanding help with her PC, which wouldn’t come on.
“I’m sorry, but we cant send a technician out today due to the blizzard,” I told her.
Unsatisfied, she barked, “I need my computer fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!”
Posted July 18, 2013
A DBA is at work one day when he notices that his IT co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”
Posted July 15, 2013
Three Telecom workers had a job in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.
One day the elevator was out of service, so they had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story – each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.
Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke. As they ascended the flight to the 102nd
floor, the third telecom guy said, “I forgot the key.”
Posted July 12, 2013
A co-worker called our tech support line for advice on organizing his final report for the year. “Why don’t you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?” I suggested.
“I already thought of that,” he replied. “But my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it.”
Posted July 9, 2013
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
Now you know why they call it a workstation!
Posted July 6, 2013
A computer geek was on his way home with a new smartphone, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:
“Daddy, where’s Mommy?”
Posted July 3, 2013
Two PC Geeks are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.
The other geek yells, “You idiot, you can’t outrun a bear.”
The first techie gasps, “I don’t have to outrun a bear – I just have to outrun you.”
Posted July 1, 2013
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
Posted June 27, 2013
A Network Administrator gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s going on here?’ he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You IDIOT!!!,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked and scaring the kids!”
Posted June 24, 2013
A college computer science professor asked his class a question. “If my LAN in Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and my network in Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and the WAN in Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?”
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, “Professor you’re 44..”
The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”
The student said, “You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s only half crazy.”
Posted June 22, 2013
My daughter Lucy worked in my IT department while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Lucy had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. “I’m sorry,” I said, “she’s left for the day. May I take a message?”
“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”
Posted June 20, 2013
Things That Never Happened On Star Trek…
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life- form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well- stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
Posted June 18, 2013
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful high tech entrepreneur. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The wealthy computer jock mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.
“Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the wealthy nerd’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving
her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the rich IT geek cut him off once again, “…And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”
Posted June 15, 2013
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his IT employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “no”.
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his tech support employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”
Posted June 12, 2013
Is Your Computer ‘Male’ or ‘Female’?
And now for the question of the day—is your computer ‘Male’ or ‘Female’?
YOU DECIDE!
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “steady as she goes” or “she’s listing to port, Captain!”)
Recently a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad Command” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I am mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
HOWEVER, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to al if they were male. Their reasons follow:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Posted June 11, 2013
Sex Manual For Computer Experts
1. Be user friendly
2. Take bytes (nibbles) hehe
3. Fondle joystick
4. Spread sheet
5. Fix surge protector
6. Activate hardware
7. Insert disc, all the way (yes yes)
8. Do it until it megabytes
9. Back it up
10. Eject floppy
Posted June 9, 2013
“Hello, hello?” shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. “Is this the SPCA?”
“Yes.”
“I want you to send somebody over right away.”
“What’s wrong?”
“There’s a horrid PC repairman sitting in a tree teasing my dog.”
Posted June 7, 2013
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”
Posted June 5, 2013
We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for me and my siblings who are all in the IT business. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs. “Don’t look up there!” my mother screamed. “It’s the one thing I was too tired to clean!”
“Don’t look where?” my brother asked.
“There!” my mother pointed. “It’s my own personal web sight!”
Posted June 3, 2013
A professor was giving a big test one day to his computer science students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
Posted June 1, 2013
In a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?
Among the many raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what HE would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board. With his team’s software, he reasoned, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the end of the runway, let alone leave the ground!
Posted May 30, 2013
One Tech Support guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
“Did you see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”
Posted May 27, 2013
In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Matilda was given a “cordless” phone by her son, a telecom manager in a high tech company. He lived 1500 miles away.
After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her.
“How is your new phone working, Mom.”
Her reply astonished him. “Oh we took it back. It wouldn’t work. It did not even have a cord.”
Posted May 24, 2013
A young man, fresh out of college with a computer science degree, went to see his doctor one day.
“Doc, there’s something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that’s wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?”
“Sure!” The doctor said.
“You have way too much time on your hands!”
Posted May 22, 2013
A female student in a computer science course shows up during a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading…
“I would do anything to pass the exam”.
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers “I mean…, I would do….anything!!!”.
He returns her gaze. “Anything???”
“Oh yes” she said, “anything!”
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said “Would you…..Study?”
Posted May 20, 2013
A computer nerd was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.”
The techie thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account.
POOF! He had a bank statement with the money in his account.
Next the computer geek wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.
The PC jock asked for his final wish, ” I wish I was irresistible to women.”
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
Posted May 17, 2013
A wife called her husband, an IT manager, at work as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and the husband could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, “I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can’t find it!”
The husband replied, “Aren’t you talking on it!?”
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in – followed by, “You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!”
Posted May 15, 2013
When Bill Gates moved into his new house, the following conversation was heard:
Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”
Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”
Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated.”
Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”
Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.”
Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”
Bill: “Stacker?”
Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center
on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”
Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The
threads run the wrong way.”
Contractor: “Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”
Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”
Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”
Bill: “You’re kidding!?”
Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”
Bill: “<sigh>Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”
Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from
other fixtures.”
Bill: “And how do I fix that?”
Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house
and then you can get back to work.”
Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”
Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it nobody made you buy it.”
Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”
Contractor: “Oh, in your next house — which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”
Posted May 14, 2013
A young IT analyst was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is very important, and my secretary’s already left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young analyst. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I’ll just need one copy.”
Posted May 12, 2013
For the answer to the eternal question “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”, I submit the following:
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That = $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He’ll make about $15,600 during a marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn’t it?
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
Posted May 10, 2013
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor, a network engineer that was watching her, commented: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”
The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”
Posted May 7, 2013
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
“Will the computer science students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.”
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred IT students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
Posted May 6, 2013
The Thinking IT Man
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and IT employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”
Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the VP of IT called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”
“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”
“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.” “It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my IT job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Posted May 5, 2013
You Are Probably a High Tech Redneck If…
1.Your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com”.
2.You connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page”.
3.The bumper sticker on your truck says “My other computer is a laptop”.
4.Your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith and Wesson”.
5.You’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
6.Your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT”.
7.Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
8.Your wife said “either she or the computer had to go”, and you still don’t miss her.
9.You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your coke on.
10.You ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy”.
11.Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
12.You start all your e-mails with the words “Howdy y’all”.
13.You would rather swap your old wife for a new pig then swap your old PC for a new Mac.
14.You consider your teeth to be scuzzy devices (SCSI).
15.Your Caller ID has Betty Sue, Jim Joe Bob, or Sally May stored in it’s memory.
16.You have Call Forwarding to the barn.
17.Token-ring refers to either your computer network or your wife’s wedding ring.
18.You have any of the following links in your “down home page”: The 4X4 WEB PAGE, NRA.org (National Rifle Association), or Home Page Farm Journal Today.
19.You’re computer’s error message says “Ya’ll Reckon (Yep/Nope)”.
20.You start every conversation on the cell phone in your truck with “breaker one nine”.
21.Your family tree looks like a thin ethernet network.
22.A 56K modem is too slow, but a third grade class is too fast.
23.You compare learning to wrestling a greased pig.
24.You buy a new 50″ big screen TV just so the fish you caught and video taped look bigger.
25.Internet dating is your ONLY hope.
26.You have four or more antennas on your truck.
27.You’re wife uses a microwave to do her hair.
28.Your computer mouse can carry the plague.
29.You use the CD drive as a cup holder for your beer.
30.Your pager has more memory than your whole family put together.
31.Your family has ever had a feud over which internet provider to use.
32.You have created a computer virus just by breathing on the monitor.
33.You use the term “fishing” or “hunting” instead of “surfing” the web.
34.You have more phone lines than you have teeth.
35.SimFarm is your favorite computer game.
36.You had to move at least one old tire to make room for the new 18″ digital satellite dish on the roof of your house.
37.You have to milk a cow to make Cafe Latte.
38. You can’t get your web browser to work. Your son then tells you to use PPP, and you urinate on the computer three times.
Posted May 3, 2013
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
Posted May 1, 201333
Murphy’s Law – The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
* All’s well that ends.
* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.
* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.
Posted April 29, 2013
Our 25-year-old son moved back home, after graduating with a degree in Computer Science, with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he’d planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read “Condo down payment.”
Posted April 26, 2013
Bill G. Eats Pie
911 can I help you…
“Hello, Brussels police department, how may I assist you? ”
“Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”
“Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”
“No”
“Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?”
“Bill Gates”
“Country?”
“USA”
“Native language?”
“English”
“Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?”
“Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”
“We’ve had other reports that people were being hit in the face with custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”
“Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”
“Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”
“Yes”
“Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”
“No”
“Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”
“Yes”
“Any pies then?”
“No”
“Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I’ll wait.”
“Just a minute..” <several minutes pass> “Okay, I’m back.”
“Did you get hit by another pie?”
“Of course not”
“Well sir, I don’t know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I’ll make a note of the problem,
though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.” <click>
Posted April 25, 2013
A man got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn’t send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was “a glitch” and told him they’d take care of it.
The following month he tried to charge something and couldn’t. He called the credit card company who again said they’d take care of it.
The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.
The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn’t worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company’s computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.
A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, “well, your
$0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can’t process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort.”
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Posted April 23, 2013
New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens’.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: ‘Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some jiggling sounds, the customer replied: “Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.”
Posted April 19, 2013
An IT analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.
“You’re too cautious and detail-oriented,” the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.
“What’s your secret?” the analyst asked.
“It’s simple,” the broker explained. “I have two kids… ages two and six…so I add their ages together and bet on number nine.”
“But two and six is eight, not nine!” protested the analyst.
“See!” the broker replied, “I told you you’re too cautious and detail-oriented.”
Posted April 16, 2013
Two MIS students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second student replied,
“Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second student nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Posted April 14, 2013
IT VP: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
Posted April 11, 2013
I’m sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you’ll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what’s been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don’t mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn’t be disturbed.
Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I’ve hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Mary
Posted April 9, 201333
Catherine, a LAN Manager, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the tech shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else.
It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”
Posted April 7, 2013
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “Nerds Not Allowed – Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”
The truck driver says, “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling.”
The bartender says, “Okay, truck drivers are not nerds.” and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, “Why did you do that?”
The bartender said, “Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.”
“Well, sure,” said the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em.”
Posted April 5, 2013
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.
So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I’d just give her my credit card number and be on my way.
Almost.
Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you’ve chosen doesn’t have sound support?”
Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?”
Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won’t be able to hear it.”
Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?”
Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.”
Customer: “So, you’re telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?”
Saleswoman: “Yes.”
Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?”
Saleswoman: “I’m not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.”
I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.
Posted April 2, 2013
Dictionary of IT Project Terms
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties– We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.
Major Technological Breakthrough–Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research–It was discovered by accident.
End user satisfaction is believed assured–We are so far behind schedule that the end user will be happy to get anything at all from us.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period–We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying–It works, and are we surprised.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem–We just hired three new programmers; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive–The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned–The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties–We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Posted April 1, 2013
Because of the reaction IT people have when they wake up and realize it’s a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.
Many IT people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.
By the third day of the week, IT people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.
Too bleary to even count properly, IT people think it’s only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it’s erroneously called Thirdsday.
On the last day of the workweek, IT people often go out “for a few” after work. By the time they get home, they’re too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That’s why the day is known as Fryday.
Saturday night all the IT singles let loose. There’s a lot of sexual hijinks. It’s pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.
And on the last day of the week –and the weekend– IT people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn’t get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won’t keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.
Posted March 29, 2013
Yesterday for IT People
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Posted March 27, 2013
William Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18 (“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”) converted into the programming language ActionScript:
var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};
summer.name = “Summer Day”;
thee.name = “Thee”;
summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;
summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6;
summer.lease = new Date(2006, 7, 31).getTime() – new Date(2006, 5, 1).getTime();
thee.lease = new Date(2042, 6, 12).getTime() – new Date(1970, 8, 25).getTime();
summer.complexion = 0xFFCC33;
thee.complexion = 0xFFCCCC;
summer.fair = 10;
thee.fair = 10;
summer.getValue = function():Number {
return –this.fair;
};
thee.getValue = function():Number {
return this.fair;
};
summer.incrementTime = function():Number {
return –this.lease;
};
thee.incrementTime = function():Number {
return this.lease;
};
var man:Object = {};
man.hasEyes = true;
man.canBreathe = true;
man.lease = 10000;
man.liveLong = function():Void {
this.lease *= 10;
};
man.giveLife = function(o:Object):Void {
o.lease++;
trace(o.name + ” is given life”);
};
man.compare = function(o1:Object, o2:Object):Void {
if (this.canBreathe && this.hasEyes) {
this.liveLong();
var n1:Number = 0;
var n2:Number = 0;
var o1isBetter:Boolean;
for (var i in o1) {
if (typeof (o1[i]) == “function”) {
o1isBetter = o1[i]() > o2[i]() ? true : false;
} else {
o1isBetter = o1[i] > o2[i] ? true : false;
}
n1 += Number(o1isBetter);
n2 += Number(!o1isBetter);
}
this.giveLife(n1 > n2 ? o1 : o2);
}
};
man.compare(summer, thee);
Posted March 25, 2013
3 Biggest Lies…
3 Biggest Software Lies:
– The program’s fully tested and bug free.
– We’re working on the documentation.
– Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
– As long as you remember to ‘SAVE’ your input, you’ll never lose any files.
– We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
– The new machines on order.
Posted March 23, 2013
Signs You’re Addicted to the Net Circa 1999
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads “This profile best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.”
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom, or they all have names composed of eight or more characters including at least one
numeral.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28,000-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You don’t think that any of these are funny.
Your wife puts a wig over your monitor to remind you what she looks like
You check your mail. It says “no new messages”. So, you check it again
You have your telephone bill delivered in a box
All of your friends have an @ in their names
You tell the cab driver you live at http//123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because, “daddy’s got work to do”….and you don’t have a job
Your spouse says communication is important to a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so the two of you can chat
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button
Your computer goes down, you haven’t logged on for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed.
Posted March 22, 2013
Here are the top 10 signs you may be an Internet Geek…
10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”
Posted March 19, 2013
Once upon a time, there were four people in a small IT department; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Posted March 18, 2013
Many scientists believe that our entire universe exists inside a computer simulation, a concept known as the “Sims-Matrix Flapdoodle Inanity Theory.”
Posted March 15, 2013
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, “My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”
The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that.”
The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be when I get it.”
Posted March 14, 2013
In a restroom in our IT department, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: “THINK! ”
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read: “THOAP! “
Posted March 11, 2013
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
Posted March 9, 2013
A secretary walked into the LAN Manager’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
Posted March 7, 2013
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.
“The asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”
“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”
Posted March 4, 2013
When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
Posted March 1, 2013
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
“Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”
“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, … “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”
Posted February 28, 2013
The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404” message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can’t find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Posted February 26, 2013
Real Quotes for Real Geeks
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” –Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” –The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
“But what … is it good for?” –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” –Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981
Posted February 25, 2013
The “IT Salary Theorem” states that “Sys Admins, programmers, engineers and analysts can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and, especially, liberal arts majors.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every technically trained person knows: Power = Work / Time.
Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time,
and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Posted February 23, 2013
Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but the following call to a well-known, high tech vendor’s help center shows there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”
Posted February 20, 2013
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn’t Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn’t work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
Posted February 18, 2013
Yesterday Computer Song
Do you know the song “Yesterday”? Then sing along to this computer version.
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a millstone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.
Posted February 16, 2013
A cat in Redmond, Washington, had kittens. The boy who was the owner was very proud of his new pets and was showing them off to his
neighbors. One of these neighbors was a Microsoft executive. After some discussion about the kittens, the Microsoft employee asked the boy, “What type of computer products do the kittens use? ” The boy replied, “They love Microsoft products.”
The Microsoft employee was pleased to hear this and decided to bring Chairman Bill with him the next time he saw the kittens. A couple of weeks later, Chairman Bill went to see the kittens. The Microsoft employee again asked the boy, “What type of computer products do the kittens use?”
The boy said, “They love Sun computers and use Unix and Java.” Bill was shaken and sputtered, “What? I was told they liked Microsoft
products?” The boy replied, “Well, they did, but their eyes are open now.”
Posted February 15, 2013
Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add – The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:
“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”
Posted February 14, 2013
What Those Older IT Acronyms Really Mean
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can’t See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
BASIC = Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs
Posted February 12, 2013
The following memo was recently found in the debris of a ruined company that failed in early 2000.
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y -to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We’ll await your direction.
Posted February 9, 2013
Virus Alert from Your IT Department
There is a new virus going around, called “work.” If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague … DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter “work” via email or are faced with any “work” at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words “I’ve had enough…I’m off to the pub.”
The “work” should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive “work” in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the “work” to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that “work” will no longer be of any relevance to you and that “Scooby Doo” was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the “work” virus has already corrupted your life.
Posted February 7, 2013
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling,” This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
Posted February 6, 2013
One day our CIO drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe? “
Posted February 5, 2013
One time, I had to tell a candidate for a position in our IT department that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.
After a minute he asked, “Can you tell me which one showed up?”
Posted February 2, 2013
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.” Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick -up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!”
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Posted February 2, 2013
One of my duties in the IT and Telecom group was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
“I wonder why he didn’t land,” I said.
“He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,” the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. “It looks plowed to me,” I commented.
“No,” my seat mate said. “It hasn’t been cleared for some time.”
“How can you tell?” I asked.
“Because,” the man informed me, “I’m the guy who drives the plow.”
Posted February 1, 2013
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother, a LAN Manager, came home exhausted from a long day of network problems.
“Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”
Posted January 31, 2013
Software Conflict: Wife 1.0 Upgrade
Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child- Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.
My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded.
At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:
* A “Don’t Remind Me Again” button.
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.
I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
***** BUG WORKAROUNDS *****
If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.
Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name.
Posted January 30, 201333
I.T. DEPARTMENT COMPUTER PROBLEM SELF-REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem: ______________________________
2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes,’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?____________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
_____________________
17. If `nothing,’ explain why you were logged in: ___________________
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________
20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
Posted January 28, 2013
Revenge of Haiku Error Messages
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Posted January 27, 2013
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter’s morning:”Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it”.
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now!”
Posted January 25, 2013
Son of Haiku Error Messages
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.
Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Posted January 24, 2013
For thirty years, Johnson, a Sys Admin, had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”
And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”
Posted January 22, 2013
A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss’s brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the “keyboard.”
The help desk operator figured, “What the hell. It’s only a $10 keyboard” and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.
The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator’s job, he’s that upset.
What he wants to know is… “What clown told my secretary to put $2,000 worth of laptop under a tap? “
Posted January 21, 2013
Haiku Error Messages
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Posted January 20, 2013
It’s thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.
“Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life,” says the tech.
Next morning, the phone rings. It’s a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.
The Administrator’s response? “Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!”
Posted January 19, 2013
Virus Alert!
Ellen Degeneres virus – Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.
Monica Lewinsky virus – Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus – Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus – Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus – Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus – Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Sharon Stone virus – Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.
Lorena Bobbit virus – Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tim Allen virus – Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus – Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus – Won’t let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus – Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michaels virus – Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus – Only attacks minor files.
X-files virus – All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus – Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus – Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus. -Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Sony Bono virus – Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
Martha Stewart virus – Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus – Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to
300 MB.
ATT virus – Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus – Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the ATT virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
Posted January 18, 2013
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett- Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”
Posted January 17, 2013
A man went to apply for a job in a small IT shop. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The LAN manager read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”
Posted January 16, 2013
As an older IT guy, I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, “To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way—e- mail.”
Posted January 15, 2013
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing…… They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Posted January 14, 2013
TwInternetaholics Anonymous
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
Yes, you–we’re talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?
We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE’SSAKE
We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.
Posted January 13, 2013
Two IT employees are talking. One of them asks the other, “How long have you been working here?” The other one replies, “Since they threatened to fire me.”
Posted January 12, 2013
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”
Posted January 11, 2013
IT department bulletin board: “This department requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.