IT work is serious business, but we all need an occasional break…
That’s why we have started this IT Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new IT- related or “geeky” joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on these jokes; rather, we are just informally passing them along to you as we normally would do “at the watercooler”. By the way, if you have a great IT-related or geeky joke that you would like to see posted, please send it to sales@netcablesplus.com.
But first, have a quick laugh with this brief video that offers an unique answer to those puzzling network glitches that always seem to crop up in the data center:
JOKE ARCHIVE: 2023 | 2022 | 2021 | 2020 | 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013
December 17, 2024
Words of Wisdom from the CIO: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
December 16, 2024
Video Gamer Bob: “Joe, will your $1,000,000 inheritance make any difference to your way of life?”
Video Gamer Joe: “None at all. I’ll carry on exactly as before.”
Video Gamer Bob: “But what about all the begging requests?”
Video Gamer Joe: “I’ll keep sending them out as usual.”
December 15, 2024
In any Server Room, networking junk accumulates to the space available for its storage.
December 14, 2024
The CIO of a large Data Center dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of wine and a comforting word. “You look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The AI software tools had major glitches and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
December 13, 2024
Network Manager: We sometimes get all of the data, but we refuse to get the message.
December 10, 2024
A parent was teaching their 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt:
The daughter asked, “Do I click the square?”
The parent said, “Yes.”
The daughter then wanted to know, “Single click or double click?”
December 9, 2024
Talent is the ability to convince other IT managers that you have it.
December 1, 2024
Overheard in the Server Room: The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
November 30, 2024
Little Johnny and his family seldom had guests, so he was eager to help his mother after his father, the Network Manager of a large Data Center, appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”
November 27, 2024
What do blackhat SEO’s serve at Thanksgiving?
Keyword stuffing.
November 26, 2024
Video Gamer: Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
November 25, 2024
A network engineer and his network architect co-worker in the Data Center were talking one afternoon when the network architect tells the network engineer, “You know, I think I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little differently!”
“Really?” the network engineer replied.
“Yep. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to this beach location. It was truly relaxing and my wife enjoyed the time as well. Then two years ago, you told me to go to this resort up in the mountains, and my wife’s mood improved dramatically. Last year you suggested the countryside and, sure thing, my wife again had a great two weeks.”
The network engineer asks, “So, what are you gonna do this year that’s different?”
The network architect says, “This year I’m taking my wife with me.”
November 23, 2024
VP IT: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
November 19, 2024
Network Manager: If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
November 18, 2024
A space telescope image showing distant galaxies colliding was published.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the new telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…
November 17, 2024
Video Gamer: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
November 14, 2024
Two retired Network Managers got together for lunch.
“I guess you’re never too old,” the first Network Manager boasted. “Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she’d be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t quite understand it.”
“Well,” said the second Network Manager, “you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don’t mind being the one to ask.”
“No, I don’t think it’s that.”
“Well, maybe you remind her of her father.”
“No, it’s not that either. It’s just that she also mentioned something about Carbon 14.”
November 11, 2024
CIO: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
November 10, 2024
Network Manager to Sr. Network Engineer: “My wife only has two complaints: nothing to wear and not enough closet space.”
November 7, 2024
Network Manager: “My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Jeep, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Buick.”
CIO: “Really? What did he get?”
Network Manager: “Fifteen years.”
November 5, 2024
Junior Network Engineer: “Buses stop at bus stations, trains stop at train stations… Guess what happens at my workstation?”
November 4, 2024
What do chiropractors and SEO experts have in common?
They both know how to fix backlinks.
November 3, 2024
Walter, our Network Manager, arrived at our Data Center late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.
“What are you laughing at?” asked Walter.
“There’s a big black smudge on your face,” said the girl.
“Oh, that!” said our Network Manager. “That’s easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the train station and kissed her goodbye.”
“But what about the smudge?”
“As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.”
October 28, 2024
Do you know what they call it when a blonde dies his/her hair dark?
Artificial Intelligence.
October 27, 2024
Network Manager: “Why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you something?”
Network Engineer: “Is that what I do?”
October 24, 2024
As an HR person assigned to the IT department of our insurance company’s largest Data Center, I often speak with young programming or network engineering job seekers. One time, I had to tell a network engineering candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.
After a minute he asked, “Can you tell me which one showed up?”
October 22, 2024
Why did the digital marketer get off the trampoline?
He was worried about his bounce rate.
October 20, 2024
Overheard in the Server Room: “My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.”
October 19, 2024
Fred, a network engineer is 32 years old and he’s single.
One day a co-worker in the Data Center asks, “Why aren’t you married?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mom doesn’t like them.”
His IT co-worker thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the solution, just find a woman who’s like your mom.”
A few months later they meet again and his co-worker asks, “Did you find the perfect woman?”
With a frown on his face, network engineer Fred answers, “Yes, I found her. She was just like my mom. And you were right, my mom liked her very much.”
The friend says, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My dad doesn’t like her.”
October 18, 2024
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.
October 15, 2024
A yellow Labrador walks into the Human Resources department of a large Data Center and asks if they have any openings for him. After the HR Director picks herself up off the floor she asks the dog to come back in an hour.
The dog agrees and walks out.
As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
“Of course,” says the owner, “send him down.”
An hour later, the dog walks back into the Data Center and the HR Director yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies, “What does the circus want with a network systems architect?”
October 13, 2024
Network Engineer: “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
October 12, 2024
Network Analyst: “There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.”
October 10, 2024
Our Network Manager was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the breakfast table, reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”
October 8, 2024
CIO: 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
October 7, 2024
I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I couldn’t hack it.
October 5, 2024
Two Network Engineer job candidates were comparing notes on their applications to a major Data Center.
“Who did you put as your emergency contact on your employment application form?”
“I just put down ‘a very good doctor’ and called it a day.”
October 3, 2024
According to recent reports the Japanese banking IT crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse.
Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it) going for a song.
Meanwhile, 500 back-office, IT staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and IT staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
September 30, 2024
What’s a pirate’s favorite type of online content?
A webinARRR.
September 29, 2024
Network Manager handbook: “Learn to spell… AutoCorrect isn’t always write.”
September 27, 2024
Jim, a freelance network systems integrator went to South America for the first time to work on a large Data Center project. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on.
He visited one of the local churches, and when he arrived, it was already packed. The only pew left was the one in the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him.
When the man stood up to pray, Jim stood up too.
When the man sat down, Jim sat down.
During the preaching, Jim didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like the man next to him.
Then Jim perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so Jim clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. Jim looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When Jim stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak our language.”
Jim replied: “No I don’t. Is it that obvious?”
“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that one of our local families had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”
September 23, 2024
Network Manager: “Meetings shouldn’t last longer than my laptop battery or my bladder.”
September 22, 2024
As a full-blooded network programming nerd and cosplay fanatic, I was in line at the souvenir booth of a Renaissance Fair when a man asked the clerk, “Do you sell sunglasses?”
“Alas, yeoman,” she answered in her best fake old English, “colored bits of glass suspended before the eyes were not invented until after the Renaissance, so those are not goods we purvey.”
As he began to turn away, ye olde Renaissance clerk added, “But we do carry baseball caps with our logo on them.”
September 20, 2024
We are IT Help Desk agents.
We’re good at apologizing for things that aren’t our fault.
September 18, 2024
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
September 17, 2024
Network Engineer to Network Manager on Monday morning:
“I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.”
September 15, 2024
Network Manager: “I told a joke during our video call today. It wasn’t even remotely funny.”
September 13, 2024
What do you call Johnny Cash’s grandson?
Johnny Bitcoin.
September 12, 2024
There is this Network Engineer and he has a girlfriend called Lorraine who is very pretty and he likes her a lot.
One day he goes to work in his Data Center to find that a new girl has started. Her name is Claire Lee and she is absolutely gorgeous. He is fascinated by her and after a while it becomes obvious that she is interested in him too.
But this IT guy is a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Claire Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decides that the only way is to break up with her and start a relationship with the new girl. He plans several times to tell Lorraine but he can’t bring himself to do it.
One day they go for a walk when Lorraine suddenly tells him that she wants to break up.
The Network Engineer goes back home alone and starts smiling and singing: “I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.”
September 10, 2024
70% of the earth is water and virtually none of it is carbonated.
So the earth is, in fact, flat.
September 8, 2024
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol place, drinking spot, place for beer, beer now.
September 6, 2024
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper- Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help please?!
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about with Husband 1.0, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. “We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
September 4, 2024
Video Gamer: I sympathize with batteries. I’m not included in anything, either.
September 3, 2024
Now I am really thinking that my son is going to follow me into a network engineering career. Preparing him for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, “What is the biggest number in the world?”
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, “Dad, what number comes just before infinity?”
September 1, 2024
Tell my Wifi love her.
August 30, 2024
70% of the earth is water and virtually none of it is carbonated.
So, the earth is, in fact, flat.
August 29, 2024
Network Manager: How good are you are PowerPoint?
Network Analyst: I Excel at it.
Network Manager: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Network Analyst: Word.
August 26, 2024
Two experienced network engineers were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small network systems integration business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first IT guy said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other network engineer asked.
The first IT guy responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
August 25, 2024
Apparently, you can’t use beef stew as a password.
It’s just not stroganoff.
August 23, 2024
Programmer to Software Manager: “If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.”
August 20, 2024
Communication has changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, it’s almost impossible to predict what might occur, even in the next decade. E-mail and Chat messaging, which now send data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, have replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.
August 18, 2024
Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they don’t see sharp.
August 15, 2024
Did you hear that our former Network Manager, Larry, got a new job working for Old Macdonald?
He’s the new CIEIO.
August 14, 2024
Our Network Manager stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great
lover.”
“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”
August 12, 2024
Status message on Network Engineer’s Slack profile: “Rebooting my brain for the weekend. System update will resume on Monday.”
August 11, 2024
A young video gamer, still living in his parents’ basement, asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”
“There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time.
“No! There’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I’ll notify the police,” the person says.
His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”
“Then what’s frustration?” asks his video gamer son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any calls?” he asks casually.
August 7, 2024
NASA is repairing the Boeing Starliner. They’re having difficulties. Everything is more difficult in space.
It doesn’t surprise me, it’s not like they’re rocket scientists.
August 5, 2024
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is this a trick question?
August 4, 2024
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job as a support tech in a large Data Center, I was concerned that I wasn’t always visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger’s vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped.
I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, “Didn’t you see me?”
“I saw you,” he replied, “but I thought you were a road sign.”
August 2, 2024
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium were dating I was like OMg.
August 1, 2024
How do you comfort a JavaScript bug?
You console it.
July 30, 2024
Our Network Manager was undergoing his annual physical.
“Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you’re carrying around?” the doctor asked the patient.
“I just can’t seem to lose the weight,” our Network Manager said. “Must be an overactive thyroid.”
“The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal,” the doctor said. “If anything is overactive, it’s your fork.”
July 29, 2024
Overheard in the Server Room: Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
July 26, 2024
Network Manager: When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
July 24, 2024
Our Network Manager and his wife go on vacation. They are at the train station with big mountains of luggage and he says: “We should have brought the piano with us.”
Wife: “Very funny.”
Network Manager: “Yes, I’ve left our tickets on it.”
July 23, 2024
Network Manager: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
July 21, 2024
Junior Systems Programmer: “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
July 19, 2024
I am a freelance, network systems integrator and I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my five-year-old daughter asked what
was wrong.
“I’m going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy,” I told her.
“Oh,” she said. “Say hi to Mom.”
July 18, 2024
Network Manager: Half the IT people you know are below average.
July 16, 2024
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
July 15, 2024
A Computer Science student taking an elective chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water.
But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.
He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient.
The Computer Science student wanted to know what that would accomplish.
The teacher answered, “It will give me time to get away.”
July 13, 2024
Overheard in the Server Room: “Sometimes, you don’t realize that you’re in prison until you get out.”
July 11, 2024
Our former Network Manager, who had recently retired from the Data Center, and his wife were discussing all aspects of their future.
The former IT guy asked the woman, “What will you do if I die before you do?”
After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she inquired, “What will you do if I die first?”
He replied, “Probably the same thing.”
July 7, 2024
CTO: Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
July 5, 2024
Our Network Manager walked into the Data Center and told the following story:
“This morning, as I was getting dressed, one of my shirt buttons fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I’m afraid to pee.”
July 3, 2024
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
July 2, 2024
Network Engineer: We belittle the homeless even though we’re the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.
July 1, 2024
I am a third shift IT support agent and I was cruising around the Internet on my laptop when I came across an item that caught my attention.
“You know, honey,” I commented to the wife, “I think there might be some merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son.”
“Well, thank heaven,” she said, “at least our son has nothing standing in his way.”
June 22, 2024
While getting dressed one morning, I decided I’d been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
June 21, 2024
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be scrolling through Facebook by candlelight.
June 20, 2024
Two Network Engineers talking in the Server Room: “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”
“What is she doing ’til 5 a.m.?” the IT co-worker asked.
“Waiting for me to get home.”
June 17, 2024
Jim, our newest and youngest Network Engineer, had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work in the Data Center, he ran into a programmer friend of his, who asked him, “Jim, how are you feeling?”
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,” Jim, the junior Network Engineer, replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?”
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly say, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!'”
June 16, 2024
Overheard in the Server Room: “It’s just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.”
June 15, 2024
The Top 14 Ways Hell is Better Than Your Job in the Data Center
14. Your coffee stays hot all day!
13. Never have to look very far to find the legal department.
12. In hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge – Satan!
11. 30 percent fewer “Dilbert” cartoons in the break room.
10. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.
9. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.
8. No more wondering if the boss hates you.
7. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.
6. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.
5. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!
4. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. Hell: One brutal mutilation of a “Real Housewives” cast member every Friday.
3. Your job? Suit and tie. Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!
2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.
1. Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!
June 11, 2024
You can tell how boring your Data Center co-worker is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
June 9, 2024
Network Management’s job is to keep ’em too busy to look for other jobs.
June 7, 2024
A mathematician, a geneticist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe, watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
The physicist states: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The geneticist’s conclusion: “They have been cloned.”
The mathematician replies: “If now exactly one person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”
June 5, 2024
Video Gamer: “If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.”
June 3, 2024
It was Network Engineer John’s turn to drive carpool into the Data Center on a day when a new member, a systems programmer, was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along, he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.
John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn’t there! Next, he slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, “Hand over the wallet immediately!”
The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, and John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying,
“Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?”
June 2, 2024
Network Engineering Student: In other computer labs, we get a choice of computers to use.
Computer Science Professor: You get a choice here, too. Use the one we’ve got or don’t use any at all.
May 31, 2024
Network Engineer: “I’ve been on my computer all night!”
Network Manager: “Don’t you think you d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?”
May 28, 2024
I am a freelance network systems integrator and was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men’s room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, “Please Wiggel Handel”.
Below that some wit had written, “If I do, will it wiggel Bach?”
May 27, 2024
A hardware networking expert is someone called in to the Data Center at the last minute to share the blame.
May 24, 2024
The first rule of computer tinkering is to save all the parts.
May 20, 2024
Bill, our CIO, and Ned, our Network Manager, walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with, “Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned’s here!”
The other patrons come up and say hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
“Ned, you’re pretty popular!” says Bill the CIO.
“I’m the most popular man in the world,” says Ned, the Network Manager.
“Now Ned,” says Bill, “you’re pretty popular but you’re not the most popular man in the world.”
“Oh yeah,” Ned replies. “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I’m friends with anybody you can name!”
“That so?” answers Bill, “how about the governor?”
“Let’s go!” says Ned.
The governor is pleased to see him. “Ned! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you in ages!”
The three go play a round of golf and then Bill and Ned leave.
“That was luck!” says Bill, “two thousand says you’re not friends with the president!”
“Let’s go!” says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and, sure enough, are greeted by the president. “Hello Ned! What have you been up to these days?”
They enter the White House, have a quick talk and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, “Double or nothing, you don’t know the pope!”
Ned says, “Let’s go!”
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the pope comes out, Ned’s arm is wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and sees Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
“Bill! Bill! Wake up!”
Bill, our CIO, opens his eyes and says, “Ned. You’re the most popular man in the world.”
“I told you that, Bill,” says Ned, our Network Manager, “but you didn’t faint when I knew the governor! You didn’t faint when I knew the president!”
“I could almost take it that you knew the pope,” says Bill. “But I passed out when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Who’s that up there with Ned?'”
May 18, 2024
I am logged in… therefore, I am.
May 17, 2024
Network Manager commenting about a Quantum Computing consultant: “If we can’t understand what he’s saying, he’s not a genius.”
May 15, 2024
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of water and a comforting word. “You look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer network broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
May 14, 2024
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
May 12, 2024
Network Manager: Experience in the Data Center is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a network configuration mistake when you make it again.
May 9, 2024
My co-worker in the Data Center, Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married, her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, add coffee and water, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”
May 8, 2024
The following is a comprehensive study, performed by the top researchers in the country:
Everything Male Network Engineers Know About Women
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May 5, 2024
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
May 4, 2024
May the Fourth Be With You
(Random Thoughts)
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Metaphors.
(Metaphors who?)
Metaphors be with you, this Star Wars Day!
Did you hear that your local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars Day on May 4th with an Anakin special? It’s an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.
What happens if you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight? Watch out for the revenge of the fifth.
Did you hear about the girl who is still single on Star Wars Day? Apparently, she’s been looking for love in Alderaan places.
How to trigger a Star Wars fan on May 4th? Go Fourth and Prosper!
What do you call a bubble tea party on Star Wars Day? A Boba Fete.
May 2, 2024
Prison Life vs Full-Time Job in the Data Center
In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell. At work in the Data Center, you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work in the Data Center, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work in the Data Center, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work in the Data Center, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors, yourself. In priso,n a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work in the Data Center, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work in the Data Center, you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison, you get your own toilet. At work in the Data Center, you have to share.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work in the Data Center, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work in the Data Center, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work in the Data Center, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work in the Data Center, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work in the Data Center, we have Network Managers.
May 1, 2024
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know what comes first.
April 29, 2024
Our Network Manager had a day off from the Data Center and was wandering around a fairground. He happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah…..” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think”, the IT networking guy laughed. I’m the father of THREE children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”
April 28, 2024
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer.
They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses
April 26, 2024
The trouble with getting to work in the Data Center on time is that it makes the day so long.
April 24, 2024
Our Network Manager, who is also the father of five children, won an iPad at a charity event raffle sponsored by our Data Center. After getting home from the event, he called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” our Network Manager asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five young voices answered in unison: “Okay, okay Dad, you get the iPad!”
April 22, 2024
How do trees get online?
They just log on.
April 20, 2024
Okay, let’s consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
April 18, 2024
A CIO complains in the Data Center staff meeting that he isn’t getting any respect.
He goes and buys a small sign that reads, “I’m the Boss.” He attaches it to his office door.
When he returns from lunch, the CIO finds that someone has taped a note to the sign that says, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back.”
April 17, 2024
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
April 15, 2024
Wanting to surprise her husband, a Network Manager’s wife stops by his office in the Data Center.
When she opens the door, she finds him with a pretty, young admin sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, the Network Manager dictates, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
April 14, 2024
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?
HDMI.
April 10, 2024
A systems programmer returned to the Data Center from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out.
“Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia.”
The other IT worker said, “Gee, that sounds bad.”
“Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it.”
April 9, 2024
Two dogs are walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.”
It walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for a while, then walks back across the street.
The other dog asks, “What was that about?”
The first dog replies, “Just checking my messages.”
April 6, 2024
I got a spam e-mail the other day that said, “Try Colon Cleansing At Home!”
Great idea, but if I’d just received it a day earlier, I wouldn’t have been booted from the car wash.
April 4, 2024
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast.
Why? I guess I’m just a bit slow.
April 2, 2024
A hopeful suitor signed up at a computer-dating website and registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The website’s matching algorithms operated faultlessly.
It connected him with a penguin.
April 1, 2024
Are all math puns bad?
No, just sum.
March 30, 2024
How do you measure the mass of a social media influencer’s following?
With Instagrams!
March 28, 2024
The Internet AI Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
Dear AI Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words!
Turns out my girlfriend bores the heck out of me. I want to break up with her, but don’t want to be rude and tell her that it is only by massive effort of will that I avoid passing out into my gazpacho every time I’m out with her. Please supply me with a more appropriate excuse for the breakup.
And in response, thus spake the AI Oracle:
Been there, done that, got the restraining order.
There are two basic approaches. One, you gently but firmly explain that it’s just not working out. Don’t offer *any* explanations beyond that at all (and whatever you do, do not let the words “it’s not you, it’s me” cross your lips). It’s not working out, you’re sorry, and you wish her well for the future. This method is mature, sensible, and adult and thus it is used in less than 5% of all breakup situations, because there just aren’t that many ature adults running around.
The other method, used by immature, neurotic cowards (in other words, people like you and me) is to try and make the other person do the dirty work for you, by being so unattractive, unlikable, or simply weir that they choose to break up with you. Try any or all of the following: eat your gazpacho with your fingers; scream at the waiter that your soup isn’t cold enough; or insist on reciting an epic poem about your passionate love for gazpacho.
You may also want to consider the possibility that a variation on this technique is currently being used on YOU. Boring. Good one.
March 26, 2024
Why did the network server hate commuting to work?
It had a hard drive.
March 24, 2024
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
March 23, 2024
A video gamer had the windows in his house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows.
Twelve months later he got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and he had yet to make the first payment.
The clueless video gamer replies, “Now don’t try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those windows told me that in one year they would pay for themselves.”
March 21, 2024
A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a network server.
March 19, 2024
I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.
I call it insta-gram.
March 18, 2024
One Network Engineer talking to a colleague in the Data Center:
My wife has these days when she wants us to “talk about things.”
On one of these occasions we were discussing our future so I asked her, “What would you do if I die before you do?”
After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, “What will you do if I die first?”
I replied, “Probably the same thing.”
March 16, 2024
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
March 14, 2024
Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.
March 13, 2024
One day a young Network Engineer went up to the teller window at the bank and whispered, “Please deposit this hundred dollars in my savings account.”
The teller handled the transaction and whispered back, “Have a good day.”
The Network Engineer started to leave but changed his mind.
“I’m sorry we have to whisper,” the IT guy said, “but if my car knows I’ve deposited money, it’ll break down again.”
With his finger to his lips the Network Engineer tiptoed out.
March 12, 2024
Network Manager: I have a few jokes about unemployed network engineers, but none of them work.
March 9, 2024
One day, a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”
The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?”
The mathematician responds, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”
The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?”
The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally answers, “I light the dumpster on fire.”
The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?”
The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”
March 7, 2024
Network Manager: I only catch cold on weekdays. Probably because I have a weekend immune system.
March 6, 2024
On their 25th wedding anniversary, our Network Manager took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”
“I suppose,” our Network Manager responded, “we could vacuum.”
March 4, 2024
Network Analyst: This morning, I used an energy drink instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home!
March 3, 2024
Network Manager: “You shouldn’t eat red meat!”
Network Engineer: “My grandfather lived to be 100 years old.”
Network Manager: “Did he eat red meat?”
Network Engineer: “No, he minded his own business.”
March 1, 2024
Video Gamer: (sobbing, eyes swollen, nose red) I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up! You did one sit up.
February 29, 2024
We thought it was our ability to live, love and laugh that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to select each image containing a boat.
February 27, 2024
A man was the first to arrive at work in the Data Center one morning. The phone rang and he answered.
When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours, but that he would help if he could.
“What’s your job there?” the caller asked.
The man replied, “I’m the CIO.”
There was a pause.
Then the caller said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”
February 25, 2024
We’ve got a great joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
February 22, 2024
At a Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting (many years ago), a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Format C: Return.”
Someone else chimed in: “Yes, Return.”
Unfortunately, the software worked.
February 21, 2024
How do you know when a network server is on a diet?
It quits eating after only one byte.
February 19, 2024
A video gamer has been trying to get on an online game show for a number of months. He is finally selected, and is doing well, until the $640,000 question.
The host says, “Okay Bob, here’s the $640,000 question!! It’s a two part question, you can answer either part first.”
“OK,” says Bob, the video gamer, “I’ll go for it. I’ll take the second part first.”
The host says, “OK, here is the second part of the question: ‘AND IN WHAT YEAR DID IT HAPPEN?'”
February 17, 2024
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
“You re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”
February 15, 2024
Two co-workers, A network engineer and a systems programmer, run into each other in the Data Center cafeteria one day. But the systems programmer seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.
The network engineer asked, “What has the world done to you?”
The sad programmer said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”
“That’s not bad.”
“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.”
“Sounds like you should be grateful…”
“You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million.”
Now the network engineer was really confused. “Then, why are you so sad?”
“This week… nothing!”
February 14, 2024
A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks:
“I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!”
February 12, 2024
If you are a cat owner, here are the top five signs that your cat has learned to access the Internet:
5. You are suddenly subscribed to a newsletter called “How to Manipulate Your Owner.”
4. You notice a strangely high number of ads for cat food in bulk.
3. Your online username has been changed to “PurrrfectCitizen.”
2. You start getting book recommendations for a fur grooming course.
1. You get email from some guy named “Fluffy.”
February 11, 2024
They say that the new quantum computer knows everything. A skeptical network engineer came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The quantum computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.” The skeptical network engineer said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”
“No”, replied the quantum computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout.”
February 9, 2024
What do protons and life coaches have in common?
Answer: They know how to stay positive.
February 6, 2024
Things Not To Say or Do at a Data Center Job Interview
** See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
** Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
** Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
** Claim you wouldn’t even need a ‘sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ‘2000 Flushes’
** Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
** Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
** Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
** Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
** Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
** Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
** Upon walking into the office for first time ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
February 5, 2024
A Network Systems Integrator consultant is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.
The fish was very expensive, so the Networking consultant decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so the IT guy hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.
On the day of his departure, the Network consultant oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish.
Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.
Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?”
February 4, 2024
We were in a Network Engineering studies program and were required to take other science courses, as well. Some of us chose Chemistry and were put in a class alongside chemistry majors.
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. “Now I’m dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?”
“No, sir,” an IT student called out.
“No?” queried the professor who was surprised to get a correct answer from an IT student, first. “Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won’t dissolve.”
“Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in.”
February 2, 2024
If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
January 30, 2024
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
Answer: To get to the other slide.
January 28, 2024
A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the business group that this network technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides it’s time for new passwords all around, just to be safe.
Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk around the office, whispering the new password to each user.
But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can’t reach her by phone, and he’s leery of sending her a new password in unencrypted e-mail.
Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the password change.
Then he writes: “And your new password is: (the last name of our intern from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our basketball team scored in our last game).”
Very clever, he figures — it’s information only someone in the group would know.
Until he gets a reply message from the user: “I tried the password, but it didn’t work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type? And are those parentheses important?”
January 26, 2024
A Network Manager who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his Admin to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. After he left the Data Center, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.
The loyal Admin would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?”
January 25, 2024
How many procrastinators does it take to put in a light bulb in the Network Server Room?
One, but they have to wait until the light is better.
January 22, 2024
Two Network Engineers were talking during a break in the Data Center one afternoon when one tells the other, “You know, I think I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little differently!”
“Really?” the other Network Engineer replied.
“Yep. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to this beach location. It was truly relaxing and my wife enjoyed the time, as well. Then two years ago, you told me to go to this resort up in the mountains, and my wife’s mood improved dramatically. Last year you suggested the countryside and, sure thing, my wife again had a great two weeks.”
The second Network Engineer asks, “So, what are you gonna do this year that’s different?”
The first Network Engineer says, “This year I’m taking my wife with me.”
January 21, 2024
A Network Engineer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
“Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”
January 19, 2024
A retired Network Manager was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers in the Data Center. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The Network Manager teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great! NOW you tell me!” said the retired Network Manager.
January 17, 2024
In order to understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
January 15, 2024
A Network Engineer goes to see his Network Manager in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “We’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed and the network is having issues,” the Network Manager replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says the Network Engineer, “I knew I could count on you!”
January 14, 2024
Q: How does the Man in the Moon eat his food?
A: In satellite dishes.
January 11, 2024
Our Network Manager was in his usual place, sitting at the breakfast table and reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”
January 9, 2024
How many CIO’s does it take to put in a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the CEO that everything possible is being done, while the other inserts the bulb into the water faucet.
January 7, 2024
The New York Times, among other papers, has published a new Webb telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…
January 5, 2024
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
January 2, 2024
These are the results of a Creative Scientific Theories Contest sponsored by a leading magazine:
*GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped,it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
*RUNNERS-UP:
# 1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.
#2 Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
*HONORABLE MENTIONS:
#1 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”
#2 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.