IT Jokes: 2019
Posted December 30, 2019
A parent was teaching their 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt:
The daughter asked, “Do I click the square?”
The parent said, “Yes.”
The daughter then wanted to know, “Single click or double click?”
Posted December 28, 2019
Q: What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Posted December 27, 2019
Dear Valued Data Center Employee:
Re: Accrued Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or, if you wish monetary compensation, notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Posted December 24, 2019
Is There A Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250- pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion –
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
Posted December 23, 2019
Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”
5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Posted December 22, 2019
Is There A Santa Claus? (A College Paper)
Dear College:
I read with disbelief your paper “IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS” in light of the seemingly unreputable scientific evidence presented, I passed the article to our School of Science for confirmation of your calculations. I was relieved when I received the following reply which confirms my belief in the existence of Santa.
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
An earlier circulation made some erroneous assumptions leading to a totally fatuous argument concerning the possibility of the existence of Santa Claus. The authors of the document place all their trust in classical mechanics and show a woeful ignorance of any Santum effects deriving from the wave-nature of Santa.
===== WAVE THEORY =====
Any impartial observer will note that as soon as consideration is given to the theory, two very significant features become immediately evident. We are confident with some certainty of the high kinetic energy of the particle (i.e. santum) and hence have little confidence in the spatial position of the santum. Yes, santum is a wave and not localised to one volume of space. Anyone familiar with wave theory will have encountered tunnelling effects e.g. electron tunnelling. The phenomenon in the santum effect is more correctly termed “the chimney effect” . Hence the santum particle may appear to penetrate walls, enter and escape from locked rooms etc. You may well ask what evidence there is to support the theory and of course at this moment scientists are agreed that it is tenuous and circumstantial. The bulk of evidence comes through attempted observations of Santa which invariably give readings in the red region of the visible spectra due to red shift. As you will be aware nearly all sightings of Santa have been reported as having red associations.
===== PROOF OF THE PUDDING =====
It has been clear for some time that work needs to be done substantiating the theory. A major research project is underway currently. A team at the University of Greenwich have landed a plum contract to enable them to investigate the phenomenon over the festive season. Based at the Thames barrier, a diffraction grating is being erected to show the wave nature of Santum. The grating will consist of a giant array of Christmas puddings. Continuous monitoring over the festive season should provide the evidence we seek.
===== THE FUTURE =====
Answering one question will open the door to further questions: How can tonnes of non-santa material be inter-converted and travel as a wave? Will this lead to a practical form of space travel? [One note of caution to those stimulated to any theoretical calculations involving this phenomenon …. the SI unit you should use is the kSa (kilosanta) not the Sa as you might have expected. You may also find it convenient to use the non-Si unit of red shift the Rudolf]
–Attributed to: Dr. Mary Claus The School of Biological & Chemical Sciences University of Greenwich London
Posted December 20, 2019
Techie Christmas Tunes
‘Twas the ‘Net Before Christmas
Santa Claus is Modem to Town
Up On The Desktop
“Quark,” The Herald Angels Sing
Gateway In A Manger
The First AOL
INTEL It On The Mountain
.COM All Ye Faithful
JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Joy To The World Wide Web
Posted December 19, 2019
KEYS TO SUCCESS FOR IT STAFF: Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.
That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you’re regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Posted December 16, 2019
A Network Manager hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss, the VP of Information Technology.
All during the sit-down dinner, the Network Manager’s three-year-old girl stared at the VP of IT sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl replied, “My daddy said you eat like a pig and I don’t want to miss it!”
Posted December 15, 2019
A couple of seagulls were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center.
“Wow,” said one, “look how fast he flies.”
The other replied, “You’d fly like that too if your tail was on fire.”
Posted December 13, 2019
Two hardcore video gamers are at the supermarket. They both look pretty desperate and happen to run into each other. This is what happens:
Gamer 1: “Excuse me, I’m looking for my girlfriend. I was wondering if you might have seen her around.”
Gamer 2: “Oh. I’m looking for my girlfriend too. What does your girlfriend look like?”
Gamer 1: “Umm well, she’s blonde, tall and slim.”
Gamer 2: “Oh man, forget my girlfriend, let’s both look for yours.”
Posted December 9, 2019
An embedded software developer is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”
Posted December 7, 2019
A space telescope image showing distant galaxies colliding was published.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the new telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…
Posted December 5, 2019
Two hardcore video gamer friends are discussing the possibility of love.
“I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.
“How so?” his friend asks.
“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”
“And that wasn’t love?” his friend asks.
“No,” he replies. “That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Was that love?”
“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Was that love?” his friend asks.
“No,” he replies. “That was seasickness.”
Posted December 2, 2019
A network engineer and a programmer were talking one afternoon at work in the server room when the network engineer tells the programmer, “You know, I think I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little differently!”
“Really?” the the programmer replied.
“Yep. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to this beach location. It was truly relaxing and my wife enjoyed the time as well. Then two years ago, you told me to go to this resort up in the mountains, and my wife’s mood improved dramatically. Last year you suggested the countryside and, sure thing, my wife again had a great two weeks.”
The programmer asks, “So, what are you gonna do this year that’s different?”
The network engineer says, “This year I’m taking my wife with me.”
Posted November 30, 2019
Two women who were software developers in our Data Center were shopping during their lunch break. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds in two weeks.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Not yet,” the first replied, “I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first.”
Posted November 28, 2019
Geek’s Thanksgiving circa 1999
1. Be thankful you haven’t been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn’t down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn’t down!
4. Be thankful you don’t have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn’t down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn’t gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28-year-old cyberfriend really isn’t 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!
Posted November 26, 2019
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
Posted November 25, 2019
I am a microwave tower maintenance technician and I was traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bathroom. So, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: ‘Hi, how are you?’
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ‘Doin’ just fine.’
And the other person says: ‘So what are you up to?’
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: ‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling.’
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. ‘Can I come over?’
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him ‘No, I’m a little busy right now!’
Then I hear the person say nervously… ‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps talking to me.’
Posted November 23, 2019
I am a network analyst working for a large consulting organization. Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey to take me to a client’s site.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, “The plane is very full with baggage and passengers.” Then she asked, “How much do you weigh, sir?”
Not thinking clearly I answered, “With or without clothes?”
“Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”
Posted November 21, 2019
Our Network Manager tells our CIO: “My wife’s credit card got stolen last week.”
“That’s a shame,” says the CIO, “have you told the police?”
“No way,” replies the Network Manager, “the thief is spending less than she did.”
Posted November 20, 2019
Joe started a new job as a network engineer in a section of the data center full of cubicles. On his first day he heard someone yell out the number “36,” and everyone just burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, “84,” and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite some time.
Finally, Joe asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, “We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized, and to save time we just yell out the number.”
That night Joe went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work he yelled out, “29,” and everyone just looked at him strangely. So, he just went back to work.
Someone else yelled out the number, “67,” and everyone just laughed hysterically. So, Joe yelled out, “95,” and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.
Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, “Why didn’t anybody laugh when I yelled out a number?”
The co-worker replied, “Well, you know how it is. Some people can tell a joke, and some people just can’t.”
Posted November 19, 2019
Interviewer: “How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?”
Software Developer Job Candidate: “That’s when I went to Yale.”
Interviewer: “That’s impressive. You are hired.”
Software Developer Job Candidate: “Thanks. I really need this Yob.”
Posted November 16, 2019
A systems programmer walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure thing, coming right up.”
He gets the programmer a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the programmer turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!
The next morning the systems programmer returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee!”
The waiter says, “Whoa, mister! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?”
The programmer smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
Posted November 15, 2019
The box said “Requires Windows 10 or better.” So I installed Linux.
Posted November 12, 2019
A software developer and a network engineer are out for a walk.
Suddenly, the software developer sees a magic lamp, picks it up and rubs it. Out comes a genie.
The genie is grumpy and says, “Listen up, I’m sick of granting wishes; you only get one wish, and it has to be one of the following: you can choose from infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.”
Without hesitating, the software developer selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the genie, and disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Now, the network engineer turns toward the software developer, who stands there in silence. The engineer whispers, “Say something.”
The developer sighs and responds, “I should have taken the money.”
Posted November 10, 2019
Items From the Food Periodic Table
•Rh: Rhubarb – Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.
•Co: Coffee – Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey
•V: Velveeta – Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.
•Ds: Diet soda – Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.
•Uuh: Unidentifiable – What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.
•Li: Limburger – A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.
•Fr: Frankfurter – Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard, K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.
… and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table …
•Pr: Produce – Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.
Posted November 7, 2019
Fred is 32 years old, a hardcore video gamer, and he’s single.
One day a gamer friend asks, “Why aren’t you married?”
Fred replies, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mom doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the solution, just find a woman who’s like your mom.”
A few weeks later they meet again and his friend asks, “Did you find the perfect woman?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found her. She was just like my mom. And you were right, my mom liked her very much.”
The friend says, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replies, “My dad doesn’t like her.”
Posted November 6, 2019
A network engineer says to his colleague, “My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.”
Posted November 3, 2019
How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to do it, and ten to write document, #GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank.”
Posted November 1, 2019
The personnel office in our Data Center division received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply:
“Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”
Posted October 31, 2019
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day of programming applications at the office. “How
was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
Posted October 29, 2019
As our Network Manager was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
“It must be true,” she said. “That’s the second time you’ve read that article to me.”
Posted October 26, 2019
A hardcore video gamer and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dead to the world, dependent on some machines. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV, gaming console, and PC.
Posted October 25, 2019
Bob, our Vice President of Network Services, was in his usual place at home, sitting at the table, reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.
He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”
Posted October 22, 2019
A Computer Science student in college could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.
“No problem,” the IT professor told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.
“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” the professor insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”
“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” the undergrad replied.
By now I the Computer Science instructor was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?”
“I don’t know any of these people,” the techie student exclaimed. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”
Posted October 21, 2019
How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there’s a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Posted October 19, 2019
It was time for the university final exams and the computer nerd was depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.
The question was “If H2O if water, what is H2O4?”
This was a quick question for most, but it took this geeky student some thinking time.
Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.
Posted October 17, 2019
Two data center workers, Heather and Marcy, hadn’t seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch in the company cafeteria.
The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn’t anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
“He’s perfect. He’s handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I’ve been waiting to hear a man say to me!”
“He said ‘will you marry me’?” Marcy asked.
Heather replied, “No, he said ‘put your money away’.”
Posted October 14, 2019
A network security engineer told his colleague: “My wife only has two complaints: nothing to wear and not enough closet space.”
Posted October 13, 2019
Q: How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house?
A: Welcome to 127.0.0.1
Posted October 11, 2019
A video gamer bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of the old one, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
The video gamer eventually decided that people were too suspicious of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.”
The next day someone stole it.
Posted October 10, 2019
We are based on Artificial Intelligence and we know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can’t say the letter ‘m’ without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You’re smiling.
Fact 6: You’re smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn’t notice we left out fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You’re smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you’re going to share it.
Posted October 8, 2019
Wife: “Let’s go out and have fun tonight.”
Network Engineer/Husband: “Okay! But if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.”
Posted October 6, 2019
Q: How can you tell if a computer geek is an extrovert?
A: They stare at your shoes when you talk instead of their own.
Posted October 3, 2019
E-mail Commandments
•Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
•Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
•Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
•Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
•Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
•Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
•Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
•Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
•Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
•When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
•That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Posted October 2, 2019
There is this network engineer and he has a girlfriend called Lorraine who is very pretty and he likes her a lot.
One day he goes to work in his data center to find that a new girl has started. Her name is Claire Lee and she is absolutely gorgeous. He is fascinated by her and after a while it becomes obvious that she is interested in him too.
But this network engineer is a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Claire Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decides that the only way is to break up with her and start a relationship with the new girl. He plans several times to tell Lorraine but he can’t bring himself to do it.
One day they go for a walk when Lorraine suddenly tells him that she wants to break up.
The techie goes back home alone and starts smiling and singing: “I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.”
Posted September 30, 2019
My computer isn’t that nervous. It’s just a bit ANSI.
Posted September 29, 2019
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Posted September 27, 2019
This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, “How much are your parrots?”
The salesman answers, “The first one is $1,000.”
“What does he know?”
“He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.”
“How about the second one?”
“The second parrot costs $5,000.”
“What does he know?”
“He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.”
“Then what is the price for the third one?” the buyer is wondering.
“This one costs $20,000.”
“Really?” wonders the excited buyer. “What does he know?”
“This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him ‘THEIR BOSS.'”
Posted September 26, 2019
Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my network engineer husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out.
Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me.”
Posted September 23, 2019
Two systems programmers working in a data center were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.
“How are you going to do that?”
“Watch,” he replied, and just stood in place, blinking his eyes really quickly.
The Network Manager asked what he was doing, and the man responded, “I’m a network router.”
“I think you need some time off,” the Network Manager said, and the first man walked out of the data center.
After a moment, the second man followed him.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the Network Manager shouted.
“I can’t program while the network is down,” he said.
Posted September 22, 2019
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Posted September 20, 2019
The doorbell rings.
A hardcore video gamer opens the door and there’s his mother-in-law on the front steps.
She asks, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
The nerd says, “Sure you can.” And shuts the door.
Posted September 17, 2019
A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.
A bus stops and 5 people get in. As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments: “That’s a measuring error.”
The biologist says: “They reproduced on the way.”
The mathematician says: “If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty.”
Posted September 15, 2019
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”
Posted September 13, 2019
A hardcore, embedded systems programmer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before.
A couple of minutes later he opened his eyes again and said, “You’re cute.”
The wife was disappointed. She asked, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was, “The anesthesia is wearing off.”
Posted September 12, 2019
Our VP of Networking Services joined a group of his network engineers in the company break room and told a joke he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Louis.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Louis, the VP said, “What’s the matter, Louis? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Posted September 10, 2019
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find a horseshoe was nailed to the wall over his desk.
The American said with a nervous laugh, “Surely you don’t believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?”
Bohr chuckled. “I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not! How can one argue with such logic?”
Posted September 9, 2019
My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the session. When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a safe distance from the stop line to keep oncoming drivers from hitting the car.
I couldn’t help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, “Scroll up, honey.”
Posted September 6, 2019
My 14-year-old made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work at the Data Center while he had a snow day. So I changed the Wi-Fi password.
Posted September 5, 2019
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.
“It’s a variant of the ‘I Love You’ virus, only worse,” I said.
“What could be worse?” my single co-worker asked wryly. “The ‘Let’s Just Be Friends’ virus?”
Posted September 4, 2019
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look, Grandpa, no hands!
Posted September 2, 2019
Things Engineering School Didn’t Teach You
1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8:00am class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip; it’s a documentary.
Posted August 31, 2019
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Posted August 29, 2019
I was going to make myself a belt made out of smartwatches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Posted August 28, 2019
A solar-powered, computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, has a guarantee—for two years.
Posted August 27, 2019
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I’ve managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I’m going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it.
Posted August 25, 2019
Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can’t replace human calculations.
They held an “IBM mixer” dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him.
Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.
Posted August 23, 2019
A video gamer had an argument with his statistician girlfriend. When she told him he was average, she was just being mean.
Posted August 22, 2019
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Posted August 20, 2019
Q: How does a physicist exercise?
A: By pumping ion!
Posted August 18, 2019
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
“No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down.”
Posted August 16, 2019
Our Network Manager walked out of our data center and into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?”
“Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabby. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone pro in tennis. He could golf with the best. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I try it and usually hurt myself.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the Network Manager said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow,” replied the cabby.
Posted August 13, 2019
Our CIO and his wife go on vacation. They are at the train station with big mountains of luggage and the CIO says: “We should have brought the piano with us.”
CIO’s Wife: “Very funny.”
CIO: “Yes, I’ve left our tickets on it.”
Posted August 11, 2019
Old Time Mathematics
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter.
He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
Posted August 9, 2019
A technology stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The high tech analyst was skeptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look at the horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for success, but he could not convince the analyst.
“You are too theoretical,” he said as he bet on a horse. Sure enough, that horse came in first, bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed, “I told you I knew the secret!”
“What is your secret?” the analyst asked.
“It is rather easy. I have two kids, a three-year-old and a five-year-old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.”
“But, three and five is eight,” the tech analyst protested.
“I told you, you are too theoretical!” the broker replied. “Haven’t I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!”
Posted August 7, 2019
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Posted August 5, 2019
The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on.
“Please let it work,” pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.
A waitress replied, “Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso.”
Posted August 4, 2019
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the Eighth.
Posted August 1, 2019
Male Network Engineer: Do you know that an average women says between 10,000 to 35,000 words a day?
Female Network Engineer: Yes, that’s because they have to repeat everything they say to men.
Male Network Engineer: What?
Posted July 30, 2019
My father, a highly regarded Senior Programmer for a large insurance company, was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
Posted July 28, 2019
CAPS LOCK – Preventing Logins Since 1990.
Posted July 26, 2019
Once upon a time, there were four network engineers working in a data center; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important network problem to be fixed, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Posted July 24, 2019
A Network Manager at a large insurance company told the following story:
“This morning, as I was getting dressed, one of my shirt buttons fell off.
After that, I picked up my laptop bag, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I’m afraid to pee.”
Posted July 23, 2019
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes — so what?”
“Think about it,” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle — how does it know?”
Posted July 19, 2019
Unix is user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are.
Posted July 17, 2019
One morning at our small-town newspaper office where I am the webmaster and online editor, one of the other editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.
“What am I supposed to write?” the obituary editor whined. “She liked puzzles?”
Just then our social media editor piped up, “How about, ‘Crossword fan is now six down.'”
Posted July 14, 2019
A government IT employee sits in his office in a sprawling data center and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for an ice cold drink!”
He gets it and states his second wish. “I wish to be on a beautiful island.”
Suddenly he is on an island. He tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! He’s back in his government office.
Posted July 12, 2019
Our Network Manager went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man’s expense, so he asked, “My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?”
The passenger had no idea.
The driver replied, “The third one was ME!”
The man went home to his wife and said to her. “Hey honey, here’s a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?”
His wife was stumped and said, “I don’t know, who?”
Our brilliant Network Manager responded, “Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York.”
Posted July 11, 2019
A Video Gamer has a sore throat and goes to the doctor.
Doctor: “Your tonsils gotta come out.”
Video Gamer: “I want a second opinion!”
Doctor: “Okay, I don’t like your piercings and tattoos.”
Posted July 8, 2019
One of our Network Engineers, Jim, had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work in our Data Center, he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, “Jim, how are you feeling?”
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,” Jim replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?”
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly say, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!'”
Posted July 6, 2019
My job involves satellite communications engineering in the aerospace industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense contractor.”
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
Posted July 4, 2019
I was attending a conference on blockchain technology when I walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
“That is a very smart dog,” I commented.
“Not really,” said one of the irked players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
Posted July 3, 2019
I am a microwave equipment installation technician for a company based in our nation’s Capitol, so I take cabs to various work sites regularly. Anyone who’s ever ridden in a cab in Washington, DC, knows they’re some of the world’s most brazen drivers. Oddly enough, though, their current accident rate isn’t all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.
“Easy,” he said. “All the really bad drivers are dead now.”
Posted July 1, 2019
Our CIO is a golf fanatic. He and his wife were playing golf on the ninth green when she sprained her ankle.
“Please dear, I need help!” she said.
There was no phone reception so the husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”
A little while later the CIO returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I’m hurting and you’re putting?!?”
“Don’t worry honey. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’ll come and help.”
“The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?” she asked in pain.
“I told you not to worry,” he said, as he practiced his putt. “Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”
Posted June 29, 2019
A co-worker came to work in my programming department one day wearing shoes that were identical in style, only one was black and the other brown. I quietly pointed this out to him. He smiled and said, “Unusual, aren’t they? Believe it or not, I’ve got another pair just like this at home.”
Posted June 26, 2019
Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, where I worked in Network Services, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.
“Trinidad,” I said.
“Is that in Arabia?”
“The Caribbean.”
She laughed, “Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”
Posted June 25, 2019
I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
Posted June 24, 2019
Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were having lunch. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made. “If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has, we’d all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 m.p.g.”
“I suppose that’s true,” the GM exec agreed. “But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?”
Posted June 23, 2019
On their 25th wedding anniversary, our CTO took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”
“I suppose,” the husband responded, “we could vacuum.”
Posted June 19, 2019
Overheard on the marine radio, a distress call to the Coast Guard from someone whose sailboat was taking on water:
Coast Guard: “What is your position?”
Distressed caller: “Vice President, Cisco Networking Solutions!”
Posted June 17, 2019
Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Posted June 14, 2019
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you’re in your Prime.
Posted June 12, 2019
My boss, our Manager of Network Services, told me to have a good day… so I went home.
Posted June 11, 2019
Herb had spent all afternoon interviewing for a new job in the MIS department of a major corporation. He began filling out all the papers. The human resources manager then questioned him at length about his training and past work experience. Herb then was given a tour of the plant and was introduced to people he would be working with.
Finally, he was taken to the general manager’s office. The manager rose from his chair, shook his hand, and asked him to sit down.
“You seem to be very qualified,” he said, “and we would like you to come work for us. Will you offer a good insurance plan and other benefits. We will pay you $1,000 a week starting today and then in three months, will raise it to $1,500 a week. When would you like to start?
“In three months,” Herb replied.
Posted June 10, 2019
Our newer, high-speed computer was in the shop for repair, and my son was forced to work on our old model with the black-and-white printer.
“Mom,” he complained to me one day, “this is like we’re living back in the twentieth century.”
Posted June 8, 2019
My attitude isn’t bad. It’s in beta.
Posted June 5, 2019
I married a co-worker in our IT department a few months ago. I knew that my wife is not only a great programmer but also a very adventurous cook.
“How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen recently. “Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.”
“Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?”
“No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.”
Posted June 3, 2019
I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.
The program responded with a message box stating: “Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes.”
Posted June 2, 2019
If at first you don’t succeed, call it Version 1.0.
Posted May 31, 2019
Our CIO bought his wife a piano for her birthday.
A few weeks later, our Network Manager asks how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” says the CIO, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” the Network Manager asks.
“Well,” the CIO replies, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing…”
Posted May 29, 2019
The Down Side of Cubicles in the Data Center:
* Being told to “Think outside the box” when I’m in the box all day.
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of rafters for the noose.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra without comment.
* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
Posted May 27, 2019
Q: What did one DNA strand say to the other?
A: Does my butt look big in these genes?
Posted May 26, 2019
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
Posted May 23, 2019
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband, network engineer, was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her techie husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” the network engineer said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s almost half over,” he said.
Posted May 21, 2019
“That math professor’s marriage is falling apart.”
“No wonder! He’s into scientific computing – and she’s incalculable!”
Posted May 20, 2019
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
Posted May 19, 2019
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Posted May 15, 2019
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
IT Security Analyst: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Posted May 14, 2019
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old Video Gamer friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know how to handle finances, have a forgiving personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry a video gamer like YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay if she’s crazy.”
Posted May 12, 2019
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
Posted May 10, 2019
The other day, our Network Manager was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect.
The next morning he went and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He attached it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back.”
Posted May 8, 2019
I was managing the IT and Telecom services for a local school and they provided me with the following automated attendant instructions and messaging for their phone system:
“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2.
To complain about what we do – Press 3.
To cuss out staff members – Press 4.
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5.
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6.
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7.
To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9.
To complain about school lunches – Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teacher’s fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!”
Posted May 6, 2019
“Dad,” a teenaged girl says, walking over to her father, who is our Network Manager, “I’d like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!”
“You’re too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don’t have any cash left on me.”
Posted May 5, 2019
Wanting to surprise her husband, a CIO’s wife stops by his office.
When she opens the door, she finds him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictates, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this Data Center with just one chair.”
Posted May 2, 2019
At a company party the IT staff decided to have a little fun with their boss, the Network Manager, who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.
When he went to the toilet and left his wallet behind (a big mistake), they searched through it and found his lottery ticket. They wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s lottery numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing really rapidly, and looking totally astonished.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and lottery ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, “I just want to let you all know something. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hell, because I’ve just won loads of money, and I’m leaving!”
Posted April 30, 2019
Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First, I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic.
The computer recorded: “Murray fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow.”
Posted April 29, 2019
After we got broadband Internet, my husband decided to start paying bills online.
This worked great; in fact, all of our bill companies accepted online payments except one—our Internet service provider.
Posted April 27, 2019
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something.” she suggested.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered.
“No girlfriend? Why not?”
“My wife won’t let me.”
Posted April 24, 2019
A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep.” He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.
“Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.”
Posted April 23, 2019
A young man had just graduated with a degree in Computer Science from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, “How are you on this lovely day?”
“I’m the Class of 2019, just graduated from Harvard and I just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me.”
The driver looks back to shake the young man’s hand and says, “Congratulations, I’m Mitch, Class of 1999.”
Posted April 22, 2019
I took the day off from my job as a network engineer to babysit and was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang. “If you can answer one question,” a young man said, “you’ll win ten free dance lessons.”
Before I could tell him I was not interested, he continued. “You’ll be a lucky winner if you can tell me what Alexander Graham Bell invented.”
“I don’t know,” I replied dryly, trying to discourage him.
“What are you holding in your hand right now?” he asked excitedly.
“A bologna sandwich.”
“Congratulations!” he shrieked. “And for having such a great sense of humor…”
Posted April 19, 2019
*Dictionary of Technology Project Terms*
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties– We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.
Major Technological Breakthrough–Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research–It was discovered by accident.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured–We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period–We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying–It works, and are we surprised.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem–We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive–The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned–The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties–We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Posted April 18, 2019
My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.
Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”
Posted April 16, 2019
Things I never learned in high school:
1. What taxes are.
2. How to do taxes.
3. How to vote.
4. Anything to do with banking.
5. How to buy a car or a house.
But I’m so glad I know the Pythagorean Theorem!
Posted April 14, 2019
Let’s consider the physical evidence: the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs — the tallest ones, anyway.
Posted April 12, 2019
Our CIO had been trying to teach his daughter about budgeting and saving money.
The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the CIO.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”
“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”
Posted April 10, 2019
Bob meets Bill at the bar after work in a big data center and is looking down in the dumps.
“What’s wrong now Bob?” asked Bill.
Bob replies, “They called in a management consulting team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for.”
“Yeah, so what’s the problem with that,” asks Bill.
Bob sighs, “Well, it seems I’m best suited for unemployment.”
Posted April 8, 2019
Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
Posted April 7, 2019
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Posted April 3, 2019
A world famous movie star is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his motivational speech to a group of businessmen at a Computer Networking Conference, when a man walks up to him.
“Excuse me, sir, I don’t want to bother you, but my name is Steve, and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight. We’re going to see your speech, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, ‘Hello, Steve’.”
The movie star readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
The star comes up and says, “Hello, Steve.”
Steve replies, “Not now! I’m in a meeting,” and keeps walking.
Posted April 2, 2019
Q: How do clams and oysters call their friends?
A: On their shell phones!
Posted March 30, 2019
I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, “I wish we could click and save that.”
Posted March 29, 2019
I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store.
While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, “Lost satellite contact.”
I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, “Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”
Posted March 27, 2019
It was the first camping experience for Jed, a longtime video gamer.
As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.
“What happened?” asked a fellow camper.
“I was chased by a black snake!” cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, “A black snake isn’t deadly.”
“Listen,” groaned Jed, “If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!”
Posted March 26, 2019
Playing around with my new GPS device, I decided to get directions to my son’s base from my home in Maryland. So I typed “Wahiawa, Hawaii.”
I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the west coast.
Then I was told, “Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii.”
Posted March 23, 2019
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
Posted March 22, 2019
Q Who’s the patron saint of e-mail?
A: St. Francis of a CC.
Posted March 19, 2019
A CIO was the first to arrive at work in the Data Center one morning. The phone rang and he answered.
When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours, but that he would help if he could.
“What’s your job there?” the caller asked.
The man replied, “I’m the CIO.”
There was a pause.
Then the caller said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”
Posted March 18, 2019
Where Do Deleted Characters Go?
Most likely, at least once a day you delete a letter, number, or even whole words and paragraphs from your documents on the computer. It’s a simple matter for you, but have you ever thought about the consequences of your action? Do you have any idea where you’re sending those characters that you so casually rejected? The answer varies depending on whom you ask.
Dave Barry’s Explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable.
Stephen King’s Explanation:
Every time you hit the delete key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all.
IBM’s Explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them.
The Buddhist Explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lowercase letters will become uppercase. If a character’s karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters–a space.
The 21st-century Bitter, Cynical Nihilist Explanation:
Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of meaningless nothingness. It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same. More characters should delete themselves.
Environmentalist’s Explanation:
You’ve been DELETING them? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING? Little innocent characters and baby lowercase letters have rights too!
The Mac User’s Explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC hell. If you’re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you’re in PC hell also.
Posted March 16, 2019
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
“A Shuffle!”
Posted March 13, 2019
I have a programmer friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, this very computer literate fellow thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn’t been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
“Great,” he thought, “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one’s even better because it locks…”
Posted March 12, 2019
The computer print out told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Posted March 11, 2019
GPS Celebrity Voice Abuse
Simon Cowell: This entire trip has been simply ghastly. You missed two turns, and your side-view mirrors weren’t adjusted properly. And the worst part was the singing to the radio. Just awful. You’re no longer in the driver’s seat. In fact, I’d be surprised if you returned next week—because you’d probably get lost again.
Jack Bauer: I don’t have a lot of time. You’re going to have to trust me. The country’s fate is in my hands. So please, listen to me. The Walmart is on the left, 2.6 miles up the road. Today’s the last day for the rollback prices on that wicker hamper you want, so grab it and go. Then we have some business to take care of.
The Biggest Loser Trainers: Come on! So you’re lost. Are you gonna cry? Don’t you dare reach for that glove compartment. I know that’s where you hide your Twix bars. Just take a breath. Pull over. Do some stretching. Get back in. And let’s turn around and get back on track! There’s a weigh station on the right.
Posted March 10, 2019
After a lengthy course on improving computer skills, a teacher finally seemed to get the hang of it. In fact, he admitted in his self-evaluation, “computers have simplified and shortened my life.”
Posted March 7, 2019
Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And, finally, the best line to use when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don’t understand is:
“I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.”
Posted March 6, 2019
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Posted March 4, 2019
Facebook is one of the many social networking sites that allow users to embarrass themselves in front of millions of friends and strangers, like this poor fellow did:
LARRY: Happy Valentine’s Day to All, especially Wendy, Heather, Lindsey, Ellen, Valerie, Isabel, Jennifer and all the other wonderful women I adore.
JENNIFER: You forgot your wife.
Posted March 3, 2019
If you are a cat owner, here are the Top 5 signs your cat has learned to access the Internet:
5. You are suddenly subscribed to a newsletter called “How to Manipulate Your Owner.”
4. You notice a strangely high number of ads for cat food in bulk.
3. Your online username has been changed to “PurrrfectCitizen.”
2. You start getting book recommendations for a fur grooming course.
1. You get email from some guy named “Fluffy.”
Posted March 1, 2019
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband, a network manager, a text;
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The network manager replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Posted February 27, 2019
A network engineer came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a teddy.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.
Posted February 22, 2019
A video gamer, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”
Posted February 18, 2019
Mr. Jones, our CIO, is on a business trip to a technology conference and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.
The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.
On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish.
Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.
Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?”
Posted February 17, 2019
Scene: A bookstore
Customer: Can you help me find a book?
Me: Of course. Do you know the author or title?
Customer: Well, I was at the beach and I saw this girl reading a purple book. She looked like she was really enjoying it. I want that book.
Me: Ma’am, you’re going to have to be more specific. There are a lot of books with purple covers.
Customer: Can’t you search on your computer for purple books?
Me: Unfortunately, no.
Customer: In that case, I’ll take my business to a bookstore that has better computers.
Posted February 15, 2019
A hardcore video gamer calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” replies the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son asks, “Why are you so weak?”
She responds, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food if you should call.”
Posted February 13, 2019
“I’ll miss you, Great-Grandma,” wrote my mother’s great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.
“I’ll miss you too, dear,” she responded. “Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma.”
Poor Mom didn’t realize that LOL doesn’t stand for “lots of love.”
Posted February 11, 2019
When I worked in my school library, a very confused guy asked me for help.
“The computer just started typing in Latin. I can’t understand it,” he said.
It turns out he was typing in italics.
Posted February 10, 2019
Not everyone has mastered the art of texting. Case in point:
Mom: Stop at dollar store on way home and get lunch maggots.
Me: Lunch maggots?
Mom: Baffles.
Mom: Baggies.
Mom: Ziploc lunch Baggies.
Mom: Spell-check is not helping me.
Mom: By the way, this is Dad.
Posted February 8, 2019
Q: What washes up on small beaches?
A: Microwaves.
Posted February 7, 2019
A lady inserted an ad on the Craigslist classifieds website: “Husband wanted”.
Next day she received over one hundred emails.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Posted February 6, 2019
The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. So I called IT. “Can someone look at my computer?” I asked. “The hard drive crashed.”
“We can’t just send people down on your say-so,” said the specialist. “How do you know that’s the problem?”
“A student told me.”
“We’ll send someone right over.”
Posted February 3, 2019
After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man.
“I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.”
My wife appeared confused by my comments, so I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle.
Posted February 2, 2019
You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.
Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.
Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.
Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.
Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?
Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.
Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.
Posted January 31, 2019
Love Lost, Love Found On Craigslist
This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly:
“Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds.
“Still,” he continued, “I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
Posted January 29, 2019
Caller: ‘Hi, can you connect me with Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’
Posted January 28, 2019
A university student named Jack was was majoring in Computer Science but had to also take a psychology course. Throughout the semester he was not doing very well on his exams and papers.
It came time for finals and he studied very hard, knowing that it would be a one question test. During the year they talked about a number of different things like why people act the way they do and how to change that, as well as what actions are taken in what situations and so on.
To receive a good grade on the test the students had to write everything they knew on the test subject. The day came for the test and the students, especially Jack, were very nervous.
The professor came in and started the test, which consisted of one question: “What is it to be courageous?”
All of the students started writing frantically. Jack sat there for a while and simply wrote: “This is being courageous.”
Jack received the only A in the class.
Posted January 26, 2019
Web Addiction Winter Sing Along!
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)
Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go —
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
Posted January 24, 2019
A woman calls her boss in the Data Center one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the heck is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my butt coming into work today.”
Posted January 21, 2019
Q: What do dogs wear to science class?
A Lab coats.
Posted January 17, 2019
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small, deserted island one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands pulled out the message.
“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”
Posted January 15, 2019
Finishing up our work at a computer trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
“Not really,” Kathy replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”
Posted January 14, 2019
Two women in our programming group were discussing marriage, and one said, “We’ve been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food.”
The other woman said, “That’s awful. Doesn’t it bother you?”
The first one replied, “Oh, no. Not in the slightest.”
“You must be a saint!” commented the second.
To which the first woman replied, “Why should I object? A lot of people don’t like their own cooking.”
Posted January 13, 2019
What You Email Address Says About Your Computer Skills
Own domain (e.g., @joesmith.com): You’re skilled and capable.
@gmail.com:When the Internet stops working, you actually try rebooting the router before calling a family member for help.
@hotmail.com:You still think that Myspace is hip.
@yahoo.com:You send e-mail chain letters saying that Bill Gates will eat your hard drive unless you forward this message to everyone you know.
@aol.com: You phone friends to tell them about a neat website, then say into the receiver, “OK, go to … h … t … t … p … colon … slash … w … w … w … dot …”
Posted January 11, 2019
A network management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of days his secretary asks him how he’s doing.
“It’s going fine,” the IT manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'”
“Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks.
“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me?'”
Posted January 8, 2019
A hardcore video gamer tells his friend, “I went to my doctor so he could help me give up smoking.”
“What did he say?”
“He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.”
“Did that do any good?”
“No, I can’t get the chocolate to light.”
Posted January 6, 2019
I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook.
He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on.
Posted January 4, 2019
A woman, a network manager, and his network engineer are sitting together in a train.
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it’s completely dark.
Then there’s this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the network engineer are sitting as if nothing has happened and the network manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The network manager is thinking, “My network engineer must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
The woman is thinking, “The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his engineer and got slapped for it.”
And the network engineer is thinking, “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!”
Posted January 2, 2019
It was the new year and I had just accepted a position as a systems administrator for a large data center. Before I could enroll in my company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a lengthy questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?”
Posted January 1, 2019
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU’RE A NERD
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will stop sending e-mail, Instant Messages, texts and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending texts to my roommate.
I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
I resolve to back up my new 40 TB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…
I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.