IT Jokes

IT work is serious business, but we all need an occasional break…

That’s why we have started this IT Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new IT- related or “geeky” joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on these jokes; rather, we are just informally passing them along to you as we normally would do “at the watercooler”. By the way, if you have a great IT-related or geeky joke that you would like to see posted, please send it to sales@netcablesplus.com.

But first, have a quick laugh with this brief video that offers an unique answer to those puzzling network glitches that always seem to crop up in the data center:

JOKE ARCHIVE: 2023 | 2022 | 2021 | 2020 | 2019 | 20182017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013

March 18, 2024

One Network Engineer talking to a colleague in the Data Center:

My wife has these days when she wants us to “talk about things.”

On one of these occasions we were discussing our future so I asked her, “What would you do if I die before you do?”

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, “What will you do if I die first?”

I replied, “Probably the same thing.”

March 16, 2024

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

March 14, 2024

Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password—it’s not stroganoff.

March 13, 2024

One day a young Network Engineer went up to the teller window at the bank and whispered, “Please deposit this hundred dollars in my savings account.”

The teller handled the transaction and whispered back, “Have a good day.”

The Network Engineer started to leave but changed his mind.

“I’m sorry we have to whisper,” the IT guy said, “but if my car knows I’ve deposited money, it’ll break down again.”

With his finger to his lips the Network Engineer tiptoed out.

March 12, 2024

Network Manager:  I have a few jokes about unemployed network engineers, but none of them work.

March 9, 2024

One day, a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?”

The mathematician responds, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”

The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?”

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally answers, “I light the dumpster on fire.”

The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”

March 7, 2024

Network Manager:  I only catch cold on weekdays. Probably because I have a weekend immune system.

March 6, 2024

On their 25th wedding anniversary, our Network Manager took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”

“I suppose,” our Network Manager responded, “we could vacuum.”

March 4, 2024

Network Analyst:  This morning, I used an energy drink instead of water to make my coffee.  After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home!

March 3, 2024

Network Manager: “You shouldn’t eat red meat!”

Network Engineer: “My grandfather lived to be 100 years old.”

Network Manager: “Did he eat red meat?”

Network Engineer: “No, he minded his own business.”

March 1, 2024

Video Gamer: (sobbing, eyes swollen, nose red) I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up! You did one sit up.

February 29, 2024

We thought it was our ability to live, love and laugh that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to select each image containing a boat.

February 27, 2024

A man was the first to arrive at work in the Data Center one morning. The phone rang and he answered.

When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours, but that he would help if he could.

“What’s your job there?” the caller asked.

The man replied, “I’m the CIO.”

There was a pause.

Then the caller said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

February 25, 2024

We’ve got a great joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.

February 22, 2024

At a Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting (many years ago), a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Format C: Return.”

Someone else chimed in: “Yes, Return.”

Unfortunately, the software worked.

February 21, 2024

How do you know when a network server is on a diet?

It quits eating after only one byte.

February 19, 2024

A video gamer has been trying to get on an online game show for a number of months. He is finally selected, and is doing well, until the $640,000 question.

The host says, “Okay Bob, here’s the $640,000 question!! It’s a two part question, you can answer either part first.”

“OK,” says Bob, the video gamer, “I’ll go for it. I’ll take the second part first.”

The host says, “OK, here is the second part of the question: ‘AND IN WHAT YEAR DID IT HAPPEN?'”

February 17, 2024

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

“You re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”

February 15, 2024

Two co-workers, A network engineer and a systems programmer, run into each other in the Data Center cafeteria one day. But the systems programmer seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.

The network engineer asked, “What has the world done to you?”

The sad programmer said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”

“That’s not bad.”

“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.”

“Sounds like you should be grateful…”

“You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million.”

Now the network engineer was really confused. “Then, why are you so sad?”

“This week… nothing!”

February 14, 2024

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks:

“I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!”

February 12, 2024

If you are a cat owner, here are the top five signs that your cat has learned to access the Internet:

5. You are suddenly subscribed to a newsletter called “How to Manipulate Your Owner.”

4. You notice a strangely high number of ads for cat food in bulk.

3. Your online username has been changed to “PurrrfectCitizen.”

2. You start getting book recommendations for a fur grooming course.

1. You get email from some guy named “Fluffy.”

February 11, 2024

They say that the new quantum computer knows everything. A skeptical network engineer came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The quantum computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.” The skeptical network engineer said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”

“No”, replied the quantum computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout.”

February 9, 2024

What do protons and life coaches have in common?

Answer: They know how to stay positive.

February 6, 2024

Things Not To Say or Do at a Data Center Job Interview

** See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

** Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’

** Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

** Claim you wouldn’t even need a ‘sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ‘2000 Flushes’

** Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

** Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.

** Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

** Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.

** Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.

** Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’

** Upon walking into the office for first time ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

February 5, 2024

A Network Systems Integrator consultant is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so the Networking consultant decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so the IT guy hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, the Network consultant oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish.

Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?”

February 4, 2024

We were in a Network Engineering studies program and were required to take other science courses, as well. Some of us chose Chemistry and were put in a class alongside chemistry majors.

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. “Now I’m dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?”

“No, sir,” an IT student called out.

“No?” queried the professor who was surprised to get a correct answer from an IT student, first. “Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won’t dissolve.”

“Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in.”

February 2, 2024

If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

January 30, 2024

Why did the germ cross the microscope?

Answer: To get to the other slide.

January 28, 2024

A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the business group that this network technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides it’s time for new passwords all around, just to be safe.

Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk around the office, whispering the new password to each user.

But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can’t reach her by phone, and he’s leery of sending her a new password in unencrypted e-mail.

Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the password change.

Then he writes: “And your new password is: (the last name of our intern from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our basketball team scored in our last game).”

Very clever, he figures — it’s information only someone in the group would know.

Until he gets a reply message from the user: “I tried the password, but it didn’t work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type? And are those parentheses important?”

January 26, 2024

A Network Manager who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his Admin to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. After he left the Data Center, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal Admin would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?”

January 25, 2024

How many procrastinators does it take to put in a light bulb in the Network Server Room?

One, but they have to wait until the light is better.

January 22, 2024

Two Network Engineers were talking during a break in the Data Center one afternoon when one tells the other, “You know, I think I’m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little differently!”

“Really?” the other Network Engineer replied.

“Yep. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to this beach location. It was truly relaxing and my wife enjoyed the time, as well. Then two years ago, you told me to go to this resort up in the mountains, and my wife’s mood improved dramatically. Last year you suggested the countryside and, sure thing, my wife again had a great two weeks.”

The second Network Engineer asks, “So, what are you gonna do this year that’s different?”

The first Network Engineer says, “This year I’m taking my wife with me.”

January 21, 2024

A Network Engineer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”

“Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”

January 19, 2024

A retired Network Manager was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers in the Data Center. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The Network Manager teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! NOW you tell me!” said the retired Network Manager.

January 17, 2024

In order to understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

January 15, 2024

A Network Engineer goes to see his Network Manager in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “We’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed and the network is having issues,” the Network Manager replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says the Network Engineer, “I knew I could count on you!”

January 14, 2024

Q: How does the Man in the Moon eat his food?

A: In satellite dishes.

January 11, 2024

Our Network Manager was in his usual place, sitting at the breakfast table and reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”

January 9, 2024

How many CIO’s does it take to put in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the CEO that everything possible is being done, while the other inserts the bulb into the water faucet.

January 7, 2024

The New York Times, among other papers, has published a new Webb telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…

January 5, 2024

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

January 2, 2024

These are the results of a Creative Scientific Theories Contest sponsored by a leading magazine:

*GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped,it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

*RUNNERS-UP:
# 1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

#2 Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

#3 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

*HONORABLE MENTIONS:
#1 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”

#2 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.