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IT Jokes Blog

IT work is serious business, but we all need an occasional break...

That's why we have started this IT Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new IT- related joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on these jokes; rather, we are just informally passing them along to you as we normally would do "at the watercooler". By the way, if you have a great IT-related joke that you would like to see posted, please send it to sales@netcablesplus.com.

 

Posted October 17, 2017

Our Network Manager, Rex Smith, was flying from San Francisco to L.A. to attend a technology conference and he told us about what happened during jhis flight.  Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off the plane and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to."

Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines.

 

 

Posted October 15, 2017

Video Gamer #1:  "I thought you were trying to get into shape?"

Video Gamer #2:  "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."

 

 

Posted October 12, 2017

If you're talking on a cordless smartphone can you still claim that you have someone on the line?

 

 

Posted October 8, 2017

A man is flying in a hot air balloon over Seattler and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Microsoft Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in Microsoft management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

 

 

Posted October 5, 2017

I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

 

 

Posted October 4, 2017

E-mail Addresses That Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud

MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com

MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com

Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com

AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com

1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com

 

 

Posted October 2, 2017

Now that they are retired network engineers, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

 

 

Posted September 28, 2017

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of LED's and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

 

 

Posted September 25, 2017

Q: What does a baby computer call his father?

A: Data!

 

 

Posted September 23, 2017

Items From the Food Periodic Table

•Rh: Rhubarb - Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.

•Co: Coffee - Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey

•V: Velveeta - Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.

•Ds: Diet soda - Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.

•Uuh: Unidentifiable - What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.

•Li: Limburger - A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.

•Fr: Frankfurter - Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard, K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.

... and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table ...

•Pr: Produce - Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.

 

 

Posted September 21, 2017

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

 

 

Posted September 17, 2017

Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?

A: Had a byte!

 

 

Posted September 16, 2017

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, so he knocked on the cabin door.

There was no answer.

He knocked again, louder this time.

There was still no answer.

Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who's there?"

 

 

Posted September 13, 2017

Our CIO recently told us of an incident that happened with him and his daughter.  A few days ago, the girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

 

 

Posted September 10, 2017

Work Emails

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is malware@company.com.

• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was stoner@company.co.in.

• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with japan@university.edu.

 

 

Posted September 8, 2017

Q: What did the spider do on the computer?

A: Made a website!

 

 

Posted September 5, 2017

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

 

 

Posted September 3, 2017

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work in the Data Center. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your VP of Networking into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell IT management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad networking job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow IT employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Network Managers are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

 

 

Posted September 1, 2017

The Data Center that I work at sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered ...

 

 

Posted August 28, 2017

A wife asked her husband, a skilled programmer, "Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.

Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why the hell did you buy so much milk?"

Her husband said, "They had eggs."

 

 

Posted August 26, 2017

Metric Conversion Chart

10 * 12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone

10 cards = 1 decacards

10 rations = 1 decoration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

2 monograms = 1 diagram

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

 

 

Posted August 22, 2017

Q: Which Dark Lord of the Sith also plays country music?

A: Darth Brooks.

 

 

Posted August 20, 2017

The elevator in our Data Center malfunctioned one day, leaving me and several of my network engineers stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

 

 

Posted August 18, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u.

 

 

Posted August 17, 2017

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you for an entire week!"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket.

The frog cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a woman, I'll stay with you for a year."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful woman and that I'd stay with you for a year. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said: "Look, I'm a network engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

 

 

Posted August 12, 2017

The personnel office for our Data Center received an email requesting a listing of the Network Engineering department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

 

 

Posted August 11, 2017

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

 

 

Posted August 8, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

 

 

Posted August 7, 2017

A mathematician, a geneticist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe, watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.

The physicist states: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The geneticist's conclusion: "They have been cloned."

The mathematician replies: "If now exactly one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

 

 

Posted August 4, 2017

As I drove into the Data Center parking lot where I work as a network engineer one morning, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female co-worker pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."

 

 

Posted July 31, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

 

 

Posted July 29, 2017

If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.609 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

Posted July 27, 2017

*-- TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK IN THE DATA CENTER NAKED --*

1. Your Network Manager is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 

 

Posted July 25, 2017

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

 

Posted July 23, 2017

A senior security network architect was on vacation on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes."

"All right," said the technical guru, "I wish for more genies."

 

 

Posted July 22, 2017

Once upon a time, there were four people working in our Data Center; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important networking job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

 

 

Posted July 19, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

 

 

Posted July 17, 2017

Chat Room Lies (cont.)

- I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

- I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)

- Tonight my love... our souls have touched.

 

 

Posted July 15, 2017

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

 

 

Poosted July 11, 2017

A wife asked her husband who was a fantastic programmer, "Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

A while later her techie husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.

Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why the hell did you buy so much milk?"

Her husband the programmer said, "They had eggs."

 

 

Posted July 7, 2017

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of wine and a comforting word. "You look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer system broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

 

 

Posted July 6, 2017

My job is an IT position in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

 

 

Posted July 4, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

 

 

Posted July 2, 2017

Chat Room Lies (cont.)

- I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

- Male version is... I'm 6'0", great tan, and buffed from working out.

 

 

Posted June 29, 2017

A co-worker came to work in our Data Center one day wearing shoes that were identical in style, only one was black and the other brown. I quietly pointed this out to him. He smiled and said, "Unusual, aren't they? Believe it or not, I've got another pair just like this at home."

 

 

Posted June 27, 2017

Two new work crews were putting in fiber optic cable poles for data and voice communciations. At the end of the day the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done.

"12," was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, "2."

"2?" shouted the foreman. "The others did 12!"

"Yeah," answered the leader of the second crew, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."

 

 

Posted June 26, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

 

 

Posted June 25, 2017

As a dedicated network engineer and full blown technical nerd, I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

 

 

Posted June 22, 2017

Two network engineers were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did your Network Manager fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a Network Manager is always standing around and watching others do the work. My Manager got jealous. People started thinking I was the Network Manager."

 

 

Posted June 18, 2017

Chat Room Lies (cont.)

- Yes of course I'm female ...............

- No this is my only screen name.... You mean you can have more than one?

 

 

Posted June 16, 2017

Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?

A: The mathemortician.

 

 

Posted June 11, 2017

A space telescope image showing distant galaxies colliding was published.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the new telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...

 

 

Posted June 10, 2017

Two Data Center employees were getting dressed in the company gym's locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his co-worker.

The co-worker replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

 

 

Pooosted June 8, 2017

Joe, a programmer in our department, goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." A bit later, the same guy says, "Pass the honey, Sugar."

Joe thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So the next morning, when the socially-challenged geek and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

 

 

Posted June 5, 2017

Science Facts? (cont.)

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

 

 

Posted June 2, 2017

Chat Room Lies (cont.)

- I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...but tell me more about yourself.

- I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited

 

 

Posted May 30, 2017

A lady programmer in our office inserted an 'ad' in the online classifieds: "Husband wanted".

Next day she received a hundred replies.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

 

Posted May 29, 2017

Science Facts?

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water. CO2 is cold water.

 

 

Posted May 26, 2017

A network engineer tells his co-worder: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the fellow network engineer, "have you told the police?"

"No way," replies the techie, "the thief is spending less than she did."

 

 

Posted May 23, 2017

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, a programmer, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." the programmer said.

That evening, the techie came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams"

 

 

Posted May 22, 2017

Chat Room Lies

- I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

- You're different.....I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

 

 

Posted May 21, 2017

CIO Tip: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

 

 

Posted May 19, 2017

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald, a network programmer, when his co-worker, Richard, showed up at the data center one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

 

 

Posted May 17, 2017

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.  What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

(and you thought it was a dirty joke!)

 

 

Posted May 15, 2017

When an applicant to our data center asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their
feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"

 

 

Posted May 14, 2017

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally answers, "I light the dumpster on fire."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

 

 

Posted May 10, 2017

Our CIO says to his VP of Network Engineering, "My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her... or something like that."

 

 

Posted May 8, 2017

A woman wrote to the help desk:

Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and Basketball 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 has the potential to be a great program. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.

--Help Desk

 

 

Posted May 5, 2017

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary programmer in a data center in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

 

 

Posted May 1, 2017

CAUTION: VIRUS WARNING

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT, BUT THROW IT AWAY.

"Work" has been circulating around lots of buildings for months and those who have been tempted to even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send a message to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off today". The "work" should automatically be deleted from your brain.

Leave the office and meet up with a few of your friends. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then we're afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

 

 

Posted April 29, 2017

The Wolf Man comes home one evening from a long day at the Data Center. "How was work today, dear?" his wife asks.

"Honey, please! I don't want to talk about network engineering right now!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like me to fix you something to eat? Or how about a drink?" she asks oh so nicely.

"Listen," he shouts again, "I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At that very moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

 

 

Posted April 27, 2017

Tech Support Problems

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

 

 

Posted April 23, 2017

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

 

 

Posted April 18, 2017

Our CIO comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work at the data center. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll."

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

 

 

Posted April 14, 2017

Mr. Network Engineer, we know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice we left out fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to share it.

 

 

Posted April 8, 2017

There is this network engineer and he has a girlfriend called Lorraine who is very pretty and he likes her a lot.

One day he goes to work in the data center to find that a new girl has started. Her name is Claire Lee and she is absolutely gorgeous. He is fascinated by her and after a while it becomes obvious that she is interested in him too.

But this guy is a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Claire Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decides that the only way is to break up with her and start a relationship with the new girl. He plans several times to tell Lorraine but he can't bring himself to do it.

One day they go for a walk when Lorraine suddenly tells him that she wants to break up.

The network engineer goes back home alone and starts smiling and singing: "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone."

 

 

Posted April 6, 2017

Q: How does a physicist exercise?

A: By pumping ion!

 

 

Posted April 1, 2017

As a Network Manager for a medium-sized company, I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me in the middle of a network upgrade at work.

"Just where do you think you're going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

 

 

Posted March 29, 2017

I was working in a very large Data Center and one day in the company coffee break area, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One Sys Admin's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"

 

 

Posted March 27, 2017

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:

"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization! IT REALLY WORKS!"

 

 

Posted March 24, 2017

There's a man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for a software company, writing error messages.

 

 

Posted March 22, 2017

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The nurse asked for my height and weight and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

 

 

Posted March 18, 2017

Beatle Song to Program By... (cont.)

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will
show me... I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

 

 

Posted March 16, 2017

A Network Manager was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before.

A couple of minutes later he opened his eyes again and said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed. She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The techie's reply was, "The anesthesia is wearing off."

 

 

Posted March 14, 2017

Calculus and drinking alcohol do not mix. So, don't drink and derive.

 

 

Posted March 11, 2017

A woman, who is a notorious video gamer, came home from the store with two cases of beer, three bottles of wine, a bottle of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting company?" her husband, another hardcore gamer, asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

 

 

Posted March 8, 2017

Q: How does a lumberjack start his computer?

A: By Logging On!

 

 

Posted March 5, 2017

Deep Thoughts of a Noted Programmer and Video Gamer

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.

If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

 

 

Posted March 2, 2017

Beatle Song to Program By...(cont.)

Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
BASIC's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

 

 

Posted February 27, 2017

Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?

A: The mathemortician

 

 

Posted February 25, 2017

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her techie husband a text;

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

He replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

 

 

Posted February 23, 2017

One day an ape escaped from the zoo. They searched for it everywhere. They announced his disappearance, but no one reported seeing the ape.

At last, he was discovered in the public library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers went there as soon as possible.

They found the ape sitting at a desk with an Internet-enabled computer in front of him. It was reading the screen with great concentration while jumping between two websites. One site was about the Bible; the other was about Darwin's book.

The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."

 

 

Posted February 21, 2017

Beatle Song to Program By...(cont.)

Unix Man

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

 

 

Posted February 19, 2017

Ben, an intensely musical individual, was burdened with a brother-in-law who had the virtue of being a successful network engineer, but who was undeniably the least cultured person in town. Ben found this very humiliating and labored to introduce the poor creature to the finer things in life.

At last, through much effort, Ben persuaded his brother-in-law to accompany him to a presentation of the opera 'Carmen'. He held his breath, fearing some last minute event would spoil everything, but the day came and Ben and his brother-in-law actually entered the opera house and took their places in an excellent box.

To Ben's satisfaction the opera seemed to catch his brother-in-law's fancy at once. He listened open-mouthed and round-eyed, following every move and absorbing every note.

Ben was absolutely triumphant when, as they were leaving the theater, his brother-in-law was singing under his breath, "To-ray-a-dor-uh, guard-un! To-ray-a-dor, To-ray-a-dor!"

Ben said, beaming, "So you like the Toreador Song, do you?"

His brother-in-law replied with excitement, "Of course I do! And as a man of technology and science I'm not afraid of making a prediction, either. I'm telling you, that song's going to be a hit!"

 

 

Posted February 16, 2017

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel while attending an IT conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.

"What happened?" he asked.

I said, "Attacked by a flying saucer."

 

 

Posted February 14, 2017

A network engineer was sitting alone in his office in the Data Center one night when a genie popped up out of his hard drive.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

 

 

Posted February 9, 2017

A local nerd, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his programmer friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

 

 

Posted February 8, 2017

A Beatle Song to Program By...(cont.)

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

 

 

Posted February 6, 2017

A customer sent an order to an IT supplies distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The Networking products distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

 

Posted February 2, 2017

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like "one banana plus two bananas make three bananas"? Here's a list of high school math courses based on bananas:

Algebra I - A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter). Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I - B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.

 

 

Posted January 30, 2017

Two WiFi antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

 

Posted January 29, 2017

A co-worker programmer came to work one day wearing shoes that were identical in style, only one was black and the other brown. I quietly pointed this out to him. He smiled and said, "Unusual, aren't they? Believe it or not, I've got another pair just like this at home."

 

 

Posted January 27, 2017

Things not to say at an IT job interview:

1. "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."

2. "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."

3. "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."

4. "When do we eat?"

5. "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"

 

 

Posted January 26, 2017

Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

 

 

Posted January 21, 2017

I hide photos on my computer of me petting other dogs in a file named 'Fireworks and vacuums' so my dog won't find them.

 

 

Posted January 18, 2017

Password Travails

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyTeedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

 

Posted January 15, 2017

Q: Why was the computer so cold?

A: Because it forgot to shut its windows.

 

 

Posted January 12, 2017

Finishing up our work at a Computer Networking trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

 

 

Posted January 10, 2017

A Network Engineer went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, the techie took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the nerd's expense, so he asked, "My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"

The engineer had no idea.

The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"

The nerd went home to his wife and said to her. "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"

His wife was stumped and said, "I don't know, who?"

The engineer responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."

 

 

Posted January 8, 2017

Engineering terms and their translations

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

 

 

Posted January 5, 2017

A Programmer and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.

"Look, a scale," the coder said to his friend. "Let's see how my new diet is working out."

He stepped on the scale.

"I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver than I was before! How can that be?"

He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. "Here, hold my jacket," he said.

The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.

Not much change.

"Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies too."

 

 

Posted January 2, 2017

A Brief History of a Programmer's New Year's Resolutions

* Year 1: I will get my weight down below 170.

* Year 2: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.

* Year 3: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.

* Year 4: I will work out once a week.

* Year 5: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

 

Posted December 31, 2016

As a newly hired Network Engineer who wanted to enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

 

 

Posted December 30, 2016

My idea of advanced password technology is if you flub one character, a window pops up saying "Close enough, sport" and lets you in.

 

 

Posted December 29, 2016

My co-worker in the IT department, Kimberly, announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to go out during lunch and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."

 

 

Posted December 27, 2016

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

 

 

Posted December 24, 2016

The Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
A glitch on the video screen.

On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen.

On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE's
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eleven damaged CD's,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged CD's,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank back ups,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

 

 

Posted December 22, 2016

Q: What is a programmer?

A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you do not understand.

 

 

Posted December 21, 2016

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Your Job as a Network Engineer

~ I can't come in to the Data Center today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that network upgrade deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

 

 

Posted December 19, 2016

After being away at an IT Conference for a week before Christmas, Our Network Manager, Tom, thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

Posted December 18, 2016

Our VP of Network Management, who was very autocratic in the office, had just finished a book on how to be "the man of the house."

He left the office, went home, and stormed in the door walking directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and after I have finished eating, I expect a rich dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

 

 

Posted December 14, 2016

One night, a guy comes home from his job as an embedded systems programmer and finds his wife asleep in bed.

Without turning on a light, he slowly goes over to her side and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

Afterwards, he heads straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he gets there, the light is on and he sees his wife, shaving her legs.

He exclaims, "What are you doing in here?"

She says, "Shhhh!" pointing at the bed, "You'll wake my mother."

 

 

Posted December 12, 2016

Q: How many Apple designers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We have 4 newer models of light bulbs in cool new colors for you to purchase. Why be a geek and change a lightbulb?

 

 

Posted December 9, 2016

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, pretty much every day when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

 

 

Posted December 8, 2016

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel during a networking security conference, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.

"What happened?" he asked.

I said, "I was attacked by a flying saucer."

 

 

Posted December 6, 2016

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"

 

 

Posted December 4, 2016

Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend's house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.

"A phone book?" asked her friend.

"You know," said my daughter. "A book with numbers in it."

"Oh," said her friend as it dawned on her. "You mean a math book."

 

 

Posted December 3, 2016

Q: How many Steve Jobs' does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. Steve Jobs will just terminate the light bulb program and have his designers come up with a different type of bulb to sell.

A2: One. He puts the bulb in and tells everyone it's cool.

 

 

Posted December 1, 2016

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the Data Center where he was Network Manager.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her techie husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

 

 

Posted November 30, 2016

I have been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don't necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, "Do you think they're looking for an engineer?"

"Oh, sure," he said. "They'll hire anybody."

 

 

Posted November 27, 2016

DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER

1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.
 
2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:

4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.

5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

8. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
 
9. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
 
10. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2018. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

11. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

 

 

Posted November 22, 2016

Q: How many Apple managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work different.

 

 

Posted November 21, 2016

Wanting to surprise her husband, a Network Manager's wife stops by his office in the Data Center.

When she opens the door, she finds the technology executive with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictates, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

 

 

Posted November 20, 2016

Q: How many MacOS users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change it and two to swear up and down that it was easier than it would be for a WinOS user.

 

 

Posted November 19, 2016

Dissociated Press -- The FCC Chairman has announced that his agency will soon require anyone using a light-emitting device to obtain a license.

"We have discovered that light is a form of electro-magnetic radiation, as are radio waves," the Chairman told a meeting of the National Association of Illuminators. "Light rays do not respect state lines, so their regulation is clearly a federal matter."

Speaking to reporters after the meeting, a representative of the Compliance and Information Bureau elaborated: "It is necessary to regulate light sources in order to prevent them from interfering with each other. There are only so many colors in the visible spectrum, and if everyone goes around shining lights whenever they feel like it, we'll have complete chaos! Uncontrolled light bulbs could interfere with the vision of airplane pilots and ambulance drivers, and that presents a serious threat to public safety."

The spokesperson offered assurances that obtaining a license would be a simple matter of hiring an optical engineer to perform some measurements, and then filling out a few forms and paying a fee of a few hundred dollars for each light-emitting device. However, colors in the red-to-orange part of the visible spectrum will be auctioned off for industrial uses and will not be available to ordinary citizens.

A proposed "Part 15" rule would allow each citizen to operate one candle without a license, but only if the candle is less than 6 inches, tall and no more than 2 inches in diameter. The use of reflectors or lenses with these candles would be prohibited.

 

 

Posted November 17, 2016

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our data center employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect?"

 

 

Posted November 14, 2016

Q: How many Apple shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the bulb in 20 sockets a day, even though 100 light bulb changes are requested per day. In response to our inability to meet projected demands for light bulb changes, we will lay off 20% of our workforce.

 

 

Posted November 11, 2016

If Microsoft was Jewish

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklemmt."

2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles."

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes."

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies."

11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

13. When running "ScanDisk," you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!".

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie"

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mahjong."

19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."

 

 

Posted November 9, 2016

Q: How many Apple testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just write a program that confirms that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a new model that will use new bulbs.

 

 

Posted November 5, 2016

New Element: Ad (Administration)

Investigators at a major institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "Administration", (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an electronic number of "0". It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administration is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administration causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally
take less than a second. Administration has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. An Administration sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administration is spontaneously formed whenever morons each a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

 

 

Posted November 3, 2016

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Your Job As A Network Engineer

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous Network Manager, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that network upgrade deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

 

 

Posted November 2, 2016

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:

10) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"

9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment on his code!"

8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"

7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"

6) "Our competitors are without honor!"

5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kahless! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

 

 

Posted October 31, 2016

Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
pee on your computer."

 

 

Posted October 27, 2016

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."

 

 

Posted October 25, 2016

Q: How many Apple vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Apple gets to make the only light bulbs that will fit in the socket.

 

 

Posted October 24, 2016

Stephen is at work programming one day when he notices that his data center coworker, Jeff, is wearing an earring. He knows Jeff to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about this sudden change in fashion sense.

He walks up to Jeff and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," Jeff replies.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our house."

 

 

Posted October 22, 2016

Q: How many Apple technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to find an enabler so the bulb can be screwed into a faucet.

 

 

Posted October 21, 2016

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 

 

Posted October 16, 2016

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That's a hardware issue.

 

 

Posted October 13, 2016

A group of IT managers were given the team-building assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

A network engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.  "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

 

 

Posted October 11, 2016

The elevator in our Data Center malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

 

 

Posted October 8, 2016

OK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

 

 

Posted October 5, 2016

Q: How many Apple tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four.

- One to ask "What is the OS and model you are using?"

- one to ask "Have you tried re-starting it?"

- another to ask "Have you tried a clean install?"

- and the last one to say "It must be your 3rd party extensions, because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

 

 

Posted October 4, 2016

One caller to our Help Desk gave me his name, number and problem and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 9634"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

 

 

Posted October 2, 2016

A data logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician replies: "Yes!"

 

 

Posted September 28, 2016

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

 

 

Posted September 26, 2016

Years of smoking finally caught up with our Network Manager, John, one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That's good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

 

 

Posted September 25, 2016

My robot doesn't think he evolved from a computer.

He thinks he was created whole by an engineer.

 

 

Posted September 20, 2016

Frequent use of solvents in my job as a medical electronics manufacturing technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband, a programmer, finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."

 

 

Posted September 16, 2016

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

 

 

Posted September 15, 2016

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"

The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."

"What does he know?"

"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."

"How about the second one?"

"The second parrot costs $5,000."

"What does he know?"

"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."

"Then what is the price for the third one?" the buyer is wondering.

"This one costs $20,000."

"Really?" wonders the excited buyer. "What does he know?"

"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

 

 

Posted September 12, 2016

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

 

 

Posted September 8, 2016

The Creation by Computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:\>Let there be light

Enter user id.

c:\>God

Enter password.

c:\>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\>Let there be light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create light

Done.

c:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create firmament

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many character's in specification string. Try again.

c:\>Create dry_land

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\>Create sun_moon_stars

Done.

c:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\>Create fish

Done.

c:\>Create fowl

Done.

c:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\>Create cattle

Done.

c:\>Create creepy_things

Done.

c:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\>Create man

Done.

c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:\>Insert breath

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:\>Create Garden.edn

Done.

c:\>Move man to Garden.edn

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:\>Copy woman from man

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:\>Create desire

Done.

c:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Create freewill

Done.

c:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Create good, evil

Done.

c:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.

 

 

Posted September 5, 2016

A systems programmer asked Siri to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities."

Back came Siri: "Marry a penguin."

 

 

Posted September 3, 2016

The Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

 

 

Posted August 31, 2016

Supposedly an actual tip from an employee handbook at a large Data Center: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

 

 

Posted August 29, 2016

I've been feeling really run down lately so I'm going to take the rest of the day off from my Java programming job and try to recuperate.

Some people have told me that it might be an iron deficiency. So apparently I need to take some iron pills or do some ironing... I'm not exactly sure.

 

 

Posted August 25, 2016

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

 

 

Posted August 24, 2016

If you are a cat owner, here are the top five signs your cat has learned to access the internet:

5. You are suddenly subscribed to a newsletter called "How to Manipulate Your Owner."

4. You notice a strangely high number of ads for cat food in bulk.

3. Your online username has been changed to "PurrrfectCitizen."

2. You start getting book recommendations for a fur grooming course.

1. You get email from some guy named "Fluffy."

 

 

Posted August 22, 2016

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

A smartaleck who ran a joke blog stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartaleck laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartaleck said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

 

 

Posted August 18, 2016

Q: A systems integrator from Los Angeles drove toward New York for a big network installation project in St. Louis at 110 miles per hour and his network engineering partner from New York drove toward Los Angeles at 115 m.p.h. Where did they meet?

A: In jail!

 

 

Posted August 17, 2016

Q: Why is a computer so smart?

A: It listens to its motherboard!

 

 

Posted August 13, 2016

Why can't programmers tell the difference between Christmas and Thanksgiving?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

 

 

Posted August 11, 2016

I had been doing Tech Support for a major printer company for about a month...
... when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

 

Posted August 7, 2016

The CTO from our company received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered our head techie.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

 

 

Posted August 4, 2016

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

 

 

Posted August 2, 20166

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got male!"

 

 

Posted July 30, 2016

One of our IT department programmers complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second IT worker.

"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another 10 pounds first."

 

 

Posted July 26, 2016

A very successful CIO had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his IT employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After the nurse inserted the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

 

 

Posted July 23, 2016

A Latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Data Center environment:

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.  "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip
malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

 

 

Posted July 21, 2016

A network engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.

The network engineer says, “We can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow.”

The chemist says, “With the right materials we could build a really smoky fire and try to signal a plane.”

The economist says, “Okay let’s assume we have a boat…”

 

 

Posted July 18, 2016

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

 

Posted July 16, 2016

"The greatest thing about the Internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source."

-- Benjamin Franklin

 

 

Posted July 14, 2016

A young college girl came running in tears to her father, our CIO. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the CIO.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

 

 

Posted July 12, 2016

A Sys Admin stranded for several months on a small, deserted island one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands pulled out the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

 

 

Posted July 9, 2016

Sesquipedalian Expressions

1. Scintillate, scintillate asteroid minute.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.

2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
Birds of a feather flock together.

3. Surveillance should precede saltation.
Look before you leap.

4. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactose fluid.
Don't cry over spilled milk.

5. Freedom from encrustation of grime is contiguous to divinity.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

7. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuver.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

8. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
Spare the rod and spoil the child.

9. The temperature of aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 fahrenheit.
A watched pot never boils.

10. Neophyte's serendipity.
Beginner's luck.

11. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
Dead men don't talk.

12. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

13. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
All that glitters is not gold.

14. Where there are visible vapors having their province in ignited carbonaceous material there is conflagration.
Where there's smoke there's fire.

15. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
Beggers can't be choosers.

16. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques dilapidates the potable concoction produced by steeping comestibles.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

17. Exclusive dedication to necessary chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders john a hebephrenic fellow.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

18. A revolving lathic conglomerate accumulates no diminutive glaucous syrophytic plants.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.

19. The person with the ultimate cachinnation possesses, thereby, the optimal cachinnation.
He who laughs last, laughs best.

20. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the potential of fracturing my osseous structure but appellations will eternally be benign.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

21. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
Beauty is only skin deep.

22. You are cordially invited to the theological place of eternal punishment.
GO TO HELL!

 

 

Posted July 6, 2016

Video Gamer #1: "I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast."

Video Gamer #2: "Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day."

 

 

Posted July 4, 2016

Our Network Manager had to take on a sport, under his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of days his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me?'"

 

 

Posted July 2, 2016

A co-worker in our Data Center was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the summer. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

 

 

Posted July 1, 2016

A network engineer, an application developer, and a statistician are out hunting. The engineer shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the developer takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ’em!”

 

 

Posted June 26, 2016

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

 

 

Posted June 23, 2016

Memo from CIO to VP IT:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for Data Center employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from VP IT to Director IT:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The CIO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Director IT to Network Manager:

The CIO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Network Manager to Network Lead Engineer:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CIO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Network Lead Engineer to Data Center staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CIO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

 

 

Posted June 21, 2016

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its protective cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard.

The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of sheets in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the educational and entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

 

 

Posted June 18, 2016

The company my brother worked for as a network engineer had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late upgrading the network, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.)

 

 

Posted June 14, 2016

Three systems integrators were installing a new network in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so the network engineers had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story - each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke. As they ascended the flight to the 102nd floor, the third man said, "I forgot the key."

 

 

Posted June 12, 2016

Our Network Manager complained that I don't listen to him - at least I think that's what he said.

 

 

Posted June 10, 2016

The Ultimate Metric Conversion Chart

1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone

1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

2 wharves = 1 paradox

 

 

Posted June 9, 2016

A grizzled, old network engineer checked into a New York hotel for an IT conference. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.


"No need for that, young man," snapped the techie old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."


"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

 

 

Posted June 6, 2016

Q: Why did the network server need a jacket?

A: Because it kept freezing.

 

 

Posted June 4, 2016

Two network engineers are standing on the tee at an exclusive golf club. Suddenly the first guy starts holding his ear and listening intently. Noticing the look of confusion on his partner's face, he explains that he has had his mobile phone receiver implanted into his ear so that he can pick up urgent messages from the office.

At the second hole he starts to talk loudly to nobody in particular. Once again he explains that using the latest state-of-the-art technology he has had one of his teeth microchipped, allowing him to speak to people without the inconvenience of holding a phone to his ear.

Suddenly on the third hole he screws up his face, clutches his stomach, darts behind a bush, drops his trousers, and squats.

His partner cannot believe what he is seeing, and shouts, "What the hell are you doing?"

To which the other guy replies, "Be with you in a minute...just gotta print something!"

 

 

Posted June 3, 2016

We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.

It was raining hard and I couldn't play golf either so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.

Seems like a nice person.

 

 

Posted June 1, 2016

Some 1990's Retro Tips for the Digitally Clueless

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.

If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

 

 

Posted May 30, 2016

The Network Manager joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike, a network engineer.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

 

 

Posted May 26, 2016

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

 

 

Posted May 24, 2016

Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?

A: It megahertz.

 

 

Posted May 21, 2016

We all have had to deal with user manuals that were not as clear and concise as we wanted them to be. Well, fear not, the manual you are about to read leaves nothing to be desired.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-headed consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

You already unpacked it, didn't you? You unpacked it and turned it on and fiddled with the buttons, right? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently deep-froze the device for six days. Now let's talk about it:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the shipping people, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR SUE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Sue really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing. It is not without irony that Sue's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE, THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will reject your refund claim.

Besides the device, the box should also contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING".

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of cable.

* IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get through half the driveway without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry, which, in a continuing effort to improve safety developed this revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small figurines made of chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a handkerchief.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN CHINA. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY SANDERS OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO CHINA BUT KNOWS SOMEONE WHO HAS FRIENDS THERE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.

Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before midnight, during which time the manufacturer will, at no charge to the owner, send the device to our service people, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.

This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

PS: SUE REALLY WANTS THAT ENGAGEMENT RING BACK.

 

 

Posted May 19, 2016

A woman calls her boss, our Network Manager, one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my butt coming into work today."

 

 

Posted May 16, 2016

A Programmer was on his phone in the employee parking lot of a large Data Center, calling a locksmith. "I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous techie.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the man. "My top is down and it's starting to rain."

 

 

Posted May 14, 2016

So you want a day off from Network Management in the Data Center? Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

 

 

Posted May 11, 2016

Data Center Hiring Manager: "Where did you receive your training?"

Network Engineering Applicant: "Yale."

Hiring Manager: "Great, what's your name?"

Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."

 

 

Posted May 10, 2016

Mary, a programmer at our office, was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a video game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

 

 

Posted May 7, 2016

Our Network Manager, a young mother, skeptically examined a new educational toy.

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the child to live in today's high tech world, ma'am," the shop assistant replied, "any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

 

 

Posted May 5, 2016

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"

 

 

Posted May 4, 2016

A network engineer goes into a coffee shop and says, "I would like one of your special breakfasts."

"No problem," comes the reply from behind the counter.

"But I want it my way," says the techie.

"What do you mean 'your way'?" asks the waiter.

The IT guy says, "Well, I want the eggs only half done," he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it."

"I don't have the time to do all that!" replies the waiter.

"WELL YOU HAD TIME YESTERDAY!" answers the engineer.

 

 

Posted May 2, 2016

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS10/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Brooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn Edition may be recognized by da uniquesness of da openin' screen. It reads: WINDAS 10", wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead a da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:

*Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island".
*My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa".
*The Inbox is referred as "Da Trunk".
*Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or Rubbed Out".
*Dial Up Networking is called "Da Bar".
*Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses".
*Performin' an "Illegal Operation" is known as "Enhancin' da family business" and will actually maximize WINDOWS10/BROOKLYN EDITION program instead of shuttin' it down.
*Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour"
*Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis"! pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION

Ok............Sure ting
Cancel.....fugetaboutit
Reset.......Start Ova
Yes..........Yeah
No...........Nah
Find........Put a contract out on
Browse.....Get a looksee
Back........U toin
Help........(Help ain't available -youz don't need no stinkin' help)
Stop........Knock it off
Start........Move it!
Settings....Here's da Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R". Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 10:

Typa............A word processin' program
Printa...........Printer
Calculata......Calculator
Solitare.........Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconveniences it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version. Youse gotta problem wit dat?

Bill ("4 eyes") Gates

 

 

Posted April 30, 2016

While we often marvel at technology advances over the years, a similar revolution has occurred within the Medical industry.  Below is A Short History of Medicine - How humanity has treated illness:

Approximately at the beginning of recorded medical history - "Here, eat this root."

Year 1000 - "That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer."

Year 1800 - "That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion."

Year 1900 - "That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill."

Year 1950 - "That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic."

Year 2000 - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

 

 

Posted April 28, 2016

Network Manager: "If everyone's thinking alike, someone isn't thinking."

Network Engineer: "My thoughts exactly!"

 

 

Posted April 26, 2016

Three beggars are begging in New York City

The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day.

The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting, while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar community.

 

 

Posted April 24, 2016

20 Fun Things to do in the Data Center

1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'

2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'

3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.

4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.

5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.

8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Chinese crap.'

10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.

11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.

12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.

13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'

14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'

15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.

16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.

17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.

18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.

19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.

20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.

 

 

Posted April 23, 2016

A confused young programmer was in a difficult situation: He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind.

Not willing to give up either, the techie strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

 

 

Posted April 17, 2016

For the first few months of her co-op job in MIS for our state government, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."

 

 

Posted April 15, 2016

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test.

The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 1: It is half empty.

Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: It is half full.

Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."

 

 

Posted April 12, 2016

While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.

 

 

Posted April 9, 2016

Inspirational Posters for the Data Center

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

 

Posted April 6, 2016

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why American have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

Put your best .3 of a meter forward.

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

Posted April 5, 2016

The Network Engineer's wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

The engineer opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold.

He then wondered what the heck she was talking about?

 

 

Posted April 3, 2016

Cyberwocky
[a parody of Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky"]

'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

"Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that's free!
Beware the Chrome cache, and shun
The Yahoo mail id!'"

He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought --
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.

And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!

The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And 'twas absurd, the hype he'd heard
'Bout sites that he had picked.

"And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!"
He messaged on his MUD.

'Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

 

 

Posted March 31, 2016

Tech Geek Husband: Do you know that on an average women says between 10,000 to 35,000 words a day?

Wife: Yes, that's because they have to repeat everything often to men.

Tech Geek Husband: What?

 

 

Posted March 28, 2016

The data center that I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered…

 

 

Posted March 26, 2016

A sysadmin goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.

"That looks nasty," says the doctor.

"Nasty?" replies the techie, "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

 

 

Posted March 23, 2016

Imagine a restaurant visit was like getting tech support - it might go something like this:

Patron: "Waiter!"

Waiter: "Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your support waiter. What seems to be the problem?"

Patron: "There's a fly in my soup!"

Waiter: "Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time."

Patron: "No, it's still there."

Waiter: "Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead."

Patron: "Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there."

Waiter: "Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?"

Patron: "A SOUP bowl!"

Waiter: "Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?"

Patron: "You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!"

Waiter: "Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?"

Patron: "I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!"

Waiter: "Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?"

Patron: "You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?"

Waiter: "Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour."

Patron: "Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?"

Waiter: "The current Soup of the Day is tomato."

Patron: "Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now!"

The waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: "Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check."

Patron: "This is potato soup."

Waiter: "Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet."

Patron: "Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything."

The waiter leaves.

Patron: "Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!"

The check:
Soup of the Day...$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day...$2.50
Access to support...$1.00

 

 

Posted March 20, 2016

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet:

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M and M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all of the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail
from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mailto everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M and Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

 

 

Posted March 18, 2016

A programmer, a sysadmin and a network engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The programmer was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

“No," replied the programmer. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the programmer was released.

Then the sysadmin was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?"

“No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the sysadmin was released.

Then the network engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

“Yes," replied the network engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

 

 

Posted March 16, 2016

A Beatle Song to Program By...

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
There's a deadline hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

 

 

Posted March 13, 2016

A Guide to Software Revision Numbers

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This is a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything).  They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

 

 

Posted March 10, 2016

A young video gamer living in his parents' basement was seeing a psychiatrist for a disorder.

"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. When I wake up, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

 

 

Posted March 7, 2016

The Creation of the PC

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.  And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.  And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.  And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet.  But God created programs; small and big... And told them:  Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said - I will create the Programmer;  And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;  And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.  He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.  And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try?  The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use.  And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer;  and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.  And God asked him - What are you looking for?  And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.  And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows?  And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell
Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

 

 

Posted March 5, 2016

A network manager walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a corn cob in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

 

 

Posted March 2, 2016

The newly-married network engineer came home from the data center to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her techie husband.

"Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

 

 

Posted February 28, 2016

Two computer nerds were walking home after a local, high tech convention and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

 

 

Posted February 25, 2016

Our local computer nerd went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamt I was a Trans Am.

"Another night I dreamt I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamt I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

 

 

Posted February 22, 2016

We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.

It was raining hard and I couldn't play golf, either, so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.

Seems like a nice person.

 

 

Posted February 18, 2016

Laws of Computing


* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

 

 

Posted February 16, 2016

A You Know You're a High-Tech Worker When...

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

You see a good looking person and know it must be a visitor.

You've been sitting at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your resume is on a USB drive around your neck.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

All real work gets started after 5:00pm or on weekends.

10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.

Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with satellites".

 

 

Posted February 13, 2016

A student engineer in the Data Center got engaged. On the first day she wore her ring, none of the other women in the department even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Wow! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."

 

 

Posted February 11, 2016

Gullibility Virus alert

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!

Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up on the internet.

The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and share copies of silly hoaxes relating to all kinds of topics. "These are not just people who follow all advice found in horoscopes," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner."

However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. One weeping victim reported, "When I first heard about those things, I just accepted them without question. After all, there were dozens of other people believing it, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed."

Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to share multiple copies of such stories with others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read somewhere that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.

Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by reminding others what to watch out for.

For every unbelievable message you share with some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.

 

 

Posted February 9, 2016

Things To Do When Your ISP Is Down

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past two years.

3. Shower.

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

7. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

8. You mean there's something else to do?

 

 

Posted February 7, 2016

Two young men applied for a networking engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications and certifications, were asked to take a test by the network manager.

Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question.

The network manager went up to one of the guys and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

The budding network engineer said, "But why, we both got nine questions right?"

The network manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

The engineer asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The network manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

 

 

Posted February 4, 2016

Q: Who do you call when your calculator dies?

A: The mathemortician.

 

 

Posted February 1, 2016

A computer nerd stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.

As the technology geek strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: 'You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.'

The techie turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. 'Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?'

'Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man.' Barely able to conceal his pride, the nerd utters 'Hmm, true enough.'

'And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor.' Surprised at her perception, he says, 'Well, that's true, too.'

'And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.'

 

 

Posted January 30, 2016

How to Get a Life

Difficulty Level: Hard

Time Required: Years

It's not easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't quite as painful as kidney stones. Here's How:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on Twitter about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

 

 

Posted January 27, 2016

Tom, a young programmer, had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," the Techie said.

 

 

Posted January 24, 2016

Inspirational Posters for the Data Center

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

 

Posted January 22, 2016

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

 

 

Posted January 20, 2016

Google Products We'll Never See

1. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.

2. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.

3. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth; uses laser beams attached to satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.

4. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in an see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.

5. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.

6. Googlebator - Google's first attempt at hardware; to be used in conjunction with Google Ogle

7. Google Alibi - Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.

8. Google Telegraph - Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash

9. Google Gaggle - The only search engine for geese.

10. Google Invading Force - Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google's new troop management tool.

11. Gogoel - Search tool for dyslexics.

 

 

Posted January 17, 2016

Great Ways to Annoy People in the Computer Lab

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it's set up with.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.

Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

 

 

Posted January 15, 2016

25 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
 

25. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.

24. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

23. Kirk has sex more than once a season.

22. One Word: Hair.

21. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.

20. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.

19. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.

18. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.

17. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.

16. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.

15. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.

14. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.

13. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.

12. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

11. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?

10. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.

9. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.

8. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.

7. Two Words: Line Delivery.

6. Kirk's bridge is not beige.

5. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.

4. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.

3. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.

2. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.

1. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it!

 

 

Posted January 12, 2016

IRA Pension Investment Definitions for IT employees

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.  Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your Sys Admin gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your network manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir?  Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

 

 

Posted January 10, 2016

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a paint job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of former network engineers laying sod across the street.

 

 

Posted January 7, 2016

My sister landed a good job as a programmer with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.  The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.  However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

 

 

Posted January 4, 2016

A young programmer checks into a hotel on a business trip for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The techie says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it."

 

 

Posted December 31, 2015

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

15. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

14. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

13. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

12. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

11. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

10. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

 

 

Posted December 29, 20155

Oh the Internet is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as dial up is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

 

 

Posted December 27, 2015

Twas the Night Before Crisis

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"

 

 

Posted December 26, 2015

A Mad Scientist Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox,
I still need to locate my husband's clean socks...
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.

When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt,
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask,
I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask.

I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
Dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.

Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
"Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I'm Hanta Claus!"
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
"Did you bring all of these germies for me?"
"Oh yes," said Hanta, "I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, I'm saving society.
"You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore I'm glad to oblige who it pleases."

Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a year's stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.

The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!

At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
"Thanks for the presents," I said, shaking his hand,
"They'll keep me off the streets, you understand."

Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!"

 

 

Posted December 24, 2015

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version
 

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
 

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
 

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

 

 

Posted December 23, 2015

WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy -- although

My boss let me go --

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;

I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

 

 

Posted December 22, 2015

The Technical Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
AN ALGORITHM IN A SPANNING TREE

On the second day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
Two LLC's.........................(Chorus)

On the third day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
THREE ETHERNETS...................(CHORUS)

On the fourth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
FOUR TOKEN BUSES..................(CHORUS)

On the fifth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
F I V E T O K E N R I N G S!....(CHORUS)

On the sixth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SIX MANs A'MANNING................(CHORUS)

On the seventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SEVEN BROADS A'BANDING............(CHORUS)

On the eighth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
EIGHT FIBERS SPARKLING............(CHORUS)

On the ninth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
NINE VIDEOS TALKING...............(CHORUS)

On the tenth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TEN VLANS ENCRYPTED...............(CHORUS)

On the eleventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
ELEVEN LANS SANS WIRES............(CHORUS)

On the twelveth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TWELVE FAST ETHERNETS.............

(CHORUS, WITH FOUR PART HARMONY AND FEELING!)

 

 

Posted December 21, 2015

Techie Christmas Tunes

'Twas the 'Net before Christmas

Santa Claus is modem to town

Up On The Desktop

"Quark," The Herald Angels Sing

Gateway In A Manger

The First AOL

INTEL IT On The Mountain

.COM All Ye Faithful

JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Joy To The World Wide Web

 

 

Posted December 20, 2015

Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

 

 

Posted December 18, 2015

The X-FILES Christmas Case

"We're too late! It's already been here."

"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."

"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."

"You really think someone's been here?"

"Someone or some THING."

"Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake."

"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."

"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"

"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."

"But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"

"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry."

"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."

"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."

"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"

"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."

"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry."

"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."

"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."

"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"

"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"

"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."

"Impossible."

"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!"

"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."

"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."

"But we have no proof."

"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red."

"But that was a meteor shower."

"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."

"Mulder, I --"

"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"

"On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter."

"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."

 

 

Posted December 16, 2015

Top 10 New Star Trek Next Generation Toys For Christmas

10. "Borg Adapter Kit" Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will allow you to assimilate any of your action figures

9. "Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility"

8. "Borg Ship" with assimilation area and places to put disassembled parts of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy

7. "My First Tricorder"

6. "Holodeck play set" You, too, can recreate all those great holodeck program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with Lieutenant Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to minors)

5. "Screwed-up timeline Series" Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes"

     A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
     B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
     C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
     D. Time's arrow Play set (complete with Data's head, two pocket watches, the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
     E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)

4. "Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory"

3. "Kill Wesly Play Set" Now you can finally do all those things to Wesley Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with "Crash Test Dummy" Action figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)

2. "Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set" With falling barrels, crates of leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an unstable gateway to another world.

and the number one Star Trek Next Generation Toy this Christmas:

1. A fully functional Phaser

 

 

Posted December 12, 2015

Internet Chatroom Christmas

'Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.

I won't race to the window, and see him then.
I'll just sit right here..... with windows ten.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off.....and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered........with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!

 

 

Posted December 10, 2015

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Star Trek: The Next Generation Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;

The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
in hopes that no aliens would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);

And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a nice face to face...

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt form our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.

The bridge Red Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.

When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped to the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf! and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! and Wesly, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge! To the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling our bodies then flew,
As the captain called out, "What the...is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.

"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at Once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack,
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."

He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf I've some mints as his breath is not too great,
And for Geordi Laforge, and inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data a Joke Book, for Riker, a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we herd him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

 

 

Posted December 7, 2015

A nonstop video gamer goes in to see a psychologist and says, "It seems I can't make any friends and I have no idea why. Can you help me, you ignorant fool?"

 

 

Posted December 4, 2015

The Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
A glitch on the video screen.

On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen.

On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

 

 

Posted December 2, 2015

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes.

He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.

Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

 

 

Posted November 29, 2015

Nerd living in his parent's basement: "Mom, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma?"

 

 

Posted November 25, 2015

Overheard in the Data Center around Thanksgiving time:

"Twenty minutes per pound? Hey, if I could do math I'd be able to hire someone else to cook!"

 

 

Posted November 22, 2015

Geek’s Thanksgiving

1. Be thankful you haven’t been phished!

2. Be thankful your computer isn’t down!

3. Be thankful your favorite social media site isn’t down!

4. Be thankful you don’t have a ransomware virus!

5. Be thankful your router isn’t down!

6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites on any minor topic to browse!

7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are online!

8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn’t gain a pound!

9. Be thankful your 28-year-old chatroom friend really isn’t 72!

10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connection!

11. Be thankful for free wifi where you need it!

 

 

Posted November 19, 2015

Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist!

Seems that scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttles all-traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "THAW THE CHICKEN"!

 

 

Posted November 18, 2015

A local video gamer living in the basement of his parents walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.

So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the geek is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's your hurry?"

The nerd says, "If you had what I have you would do the same thing!"

The bartender backs up and says, "What do you have?"

The gamer says, "About 75 cents!!"

 

 

Posted November 14, 2015

1980's & 1990's Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

 

 

Posted November 13, 2015

They say that the new super computer in the data center knows everything.

A skeptical executive came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer loaded for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father is in San Diego."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband is in San Diego. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

 

 

Posted November 11, 2015

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 


 

Posted November 7, 2015

Thoughts From The IT Workplace...(cont.)

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all
day.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

 

Posted November 5, 2015

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

 

 

Posted November 3, 201555

Why did the Network Architect think his dog was a great mathematician?

When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.

 

 

Posted November 1, 2015

Thoughts From The IT Workplace...(cont.)

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

 

 

Posted October 30, 2015

OK, with the Witching Hour almost upon us, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:

$665.95......................Retail price of the Beast

$699.25................Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax

$769.95.............Price of the Beast with all accessories & replacement soul

$656.66......................Walmart price of the Beast

$646.66...............Next week's Walmart price of the Beast

00666.........................Zip code of the Beast

1-666 .........................Area code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 ......Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.

660............................Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI.....................Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000.....................Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 .........................Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 ..........................Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1).....................Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010..................Binary of the Beast

Phillips 666..................Gasoline of the Beast

$6.66 9/10....................Price of a Beast gasoline

Route 666....................Way of the Beast

666 F.........................Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k..........................Retirement plan of the Beast

6.66%.........5 year CD rate First Beast National Bank, $666 min. deposit.

* i66686........................CPU of the Beast

666i .......................... BMW of the Beast

DSM-666..........Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668............................Next-door neighbor of the Beast

666 mg...........Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

Excel 6-6-6...................Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66....................Word Processor of the Beast

6 h. 66 min....................Beast Standard Time (BST)

Boeing 666....................."A jet for the Beast Age"

Beverly Hills 66666..........Beast's favorite TV show

6/6/66..........................The birth date of the Beast

666-66-6666............The Social Security number of the Beast

6666............................The PIN of the Beast

25.806975.....................The square root of the Beast

Motel 666......................Beast Western

Windows 2006 ver.666.........OS of the Beast

6, uh, uh..............Number of the Blonde Beast

 

 

Posted October 27, 2015

When Smith, a longtime network engineer, learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The VP of Network Infrastructure agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Nate Smith worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

 

Posted October 25, 2015

Thoughts From The IT Workplace...(cont.)

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

 

 

Posted October 23, 2015

Latin Phrases for Nerds

Vini. Vidi. Golfi.
I came. I saw. I golfed.

Flexilis sum, gluten es, me resilit, ad te haeret.
I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me, sticks to you.

Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima?
Do you by any chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?

Perscripto in manibus tabellariorum est.
The check is in the mail.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimisexponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on wind swept crags.

Die dulci fruere.Have a nice day.Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxumimmanemittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.

Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.

Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quamelenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiampossit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est--in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing--in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus etfructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced,high-paying world of Latin!

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

 

 

Posted October 18, 2015

Thoughts From The IT Workplace...(cont.)

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

 

 

Posted October 16, 2015

While talking with my semi-deaf, co-worker in the data center one day, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

 

 

Posted October 12, 2015

Thoughts From The IT Workplace...

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.  Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

 

 

Posted October 9, 2015

Cyclic Numbers

142857 is a cyclic number - its digits always appear in the same order
but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:

142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142

Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7.

 

 

Posted October 8, 2015

Why is sex like software?

For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.

 

 

Posted October 5, 2015

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!

IT REALLY WORKS!

 


Posted October 2, 2015

Heather and Marcy, two database administrators, hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.

The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

 


Posted September 29, 2015

This is the story of four people working in a Data Center named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important application integration job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

 


Posted September 26, 2015

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

 

 

Posted September 25, 2015

Keys to Success for IT Managers (cont.)

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" -- a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

 

 

Posted September 21, 2015

A thousand words are worth a picture-- and they load faster, too.

 

 

Posted September 20, 2015

Keys to Success for IT Managers

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you
learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

 


Posted September 15, 2015

One programmer speaking to a fellow coder:

"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race, so I backed the seventh."

"Did he win?"

"No, he came in seventh."

 

 

Posted September 13, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy's Technology Laws will jam the printer.

 

 

Posted September 11, 2015

New Customer to Tech Support:

Customer: "It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens."

Tech Support: "Can you try again and tell me what happens?"

Customer: "Tried but nothing"

Tech Support: "What key did you hit?"

After a moment and some chickling sound the customer replied: "Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key."

 

 

Posted September 7, 2015

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband, a software programmer, was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

 

 

Posted September 4, 2015

A software engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep.

The software engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black."

"Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist.

The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says, "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."

"Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

 

 

Posted September 1, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

Everything that goes up must come down.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

 

 

Posted August 30, 2015

At three o'clock one morning an On-Call Network Support Engineer was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone.

"I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line.

"That's all right," said the tech, "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

 

 

Posted August 28, 2015

A young programmer was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.

"Every thought I have turns to my mother," the UNIX coder told the psychiatrist.

"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"

 

 

Posted August 25, 2015

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

 

Posted August 23, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

 

 

Posted August 20, 2015

Sesame Street goes Interactive

10. The Count now says "point 0" at the end of every number.

9. All bug Muppets will now be renamed "features."

8. Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. "Do you really want to delete Oscar?"

7. Mr. Snuffleupagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up.

6. Sesame Street's renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit against Microsoft, in which high-tech attorneys learn how to share.

5. Cookie Monster is renamed Cookie Friend and sells his book, "How to Track Who's Using Your Site for Fun and Profit" with continuously running onscreen banner ads.

4. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other...

3. Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, Pascal, Oracle, C++ and something called, Adobe Acrobat.

2. Bill Gates admits that he's been doing the voice for Kermit the Frog since 1989.

1. "Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition."

 

 

Posted August 19, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

In designing any type of new data center layout, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

 

 

Posted August 17, 2015

My sister landed a good job as a network engineer in a data center with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

 

 

Posted August 15, 2015

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of MIS for the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

 

 

Posted August 13, 2015

Fred, our network engineer was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself... "so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..."

"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"

And Fred replied, "Two years in jail."

 

 

Posted August 11, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

 

 

Posted August 9, 2015

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"

"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of thousands or even millions of parts, each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

 

 

Posted August 6, 2015

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......

 

 

Posted August 5, 2015

Top 20 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office

1.The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."

2.The keyboard is camouflaged.

3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

4.There is a gunrack mounted on the case.

5.The password is, "bubba."

6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

7.The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.

8.Windows 10 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.

10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.

14.The monitor is up on blocks.

15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.

16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

17.The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.

18.The six front keys have rotted out.

19.John Deere Pocket Protectors.

 

 

Posted August 2, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

 

 

Posted August 1, 2015

When the office printouts began to look faint, the office manager called in a local printer repair service. The friendly computer technician, after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the high volume printer was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00 if he did the work.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?"

"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers. After people try first to fix things themselves, we end up making much more money on repairs."

 

 

Posted July 30, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

 

 

Posted July 28, 2015

Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric!

If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.609 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

Posted July 26, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

 


Posted July 23, 2015

Wife of Network Engineer: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"

Techie Husband: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."

 

 

Posted July 21, 2015

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a data center worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, "If you had four apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"

Quickly the techie replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have four apples."

 

 

Posted July 20, 2015

Items From the Food Periodic Table

•Rh: Rhubarb - Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.

•Co: Coffee - Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey

•V: Velveeta - Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.

•Ds: Diet soda - Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.

•Uuh: Unidentifiable - What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.

•Li: Limburger - A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.

•Fr: Frankfurter - Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard,

K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.

... and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table ...

•Pr: Produce - Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.

 

 

Posted July 17, 2015

Why engineers don't write recipe books.


Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:
•532.35 cm3 gluten
•4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
•4.9 cm3 refined halite
•236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
•177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
•177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
•4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
•Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
•473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
•236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

 

 

Posted July 15, 2015

A new Data Center manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the Data Center is experiencing a loss in performance, combined with serious software development problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the department quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"

 

 

Posted July 12, 2015

Our Network Manager left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife, a newly hired sytems programmer for another company, was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her new email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor and let out a piercing scream.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife: I just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

P.S. It sure is hot down here."

 

Posted July 9, 2015

The newly-married Help Desk Technician came home from his IT department office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her techie husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

 

 

Posted July 7, 2015

Our Network Managerrk Manager went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.  He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'

 

Posted July 6, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

 

 

Posted July 2, 2015

Q: How many graduate students in Computer Science does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

 

 

Posted June 27, 2015

Here's hoping there is no one like this at your Data Center.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in software development who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

 

 

Posted June 25, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a network engineer more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

 

 

Posted June 21, 2015

Our CTO, Ted, came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him, and he said, "Well, I ran into Mary - you remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me."

"Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."

 

 

Posted June 18, 20155

Our network manager and his wife recently bought a new boat to use for their regular fishing trips.  Although they enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was our Network Manager who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a technical manual. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,

"Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

 

Posted June 16, 2015

Our CIO, Dave, lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night.

One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Dave decided to stop at a nearby bar.

When he got back to the pier, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Dave, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Dave to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

 

Posted June 14, 2015

BEWARE: McD100GB (or shades of Y2K...)

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

 

 

Posted June 12, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

 

 

Posted June 8, 2015

Three database administrators are debating who has the best memory.

First DBA says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second DBA says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third DBA says, "Heck, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

 

 

Posted June 5, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

 


Posted June 2, 2015

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
 
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- You can't call your mother... she doesn't have an Internet connection.

- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

- You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Internet Explorer 9.0 or higher."

- The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer so the two of you can chat.

- You Tweet more than you talk.

- You have 4,000 friends on Facebook you never have met.

 


Posted May 31, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont..

All's well that ends.

A design meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

 

 

Posted May 28, 2015

The cabling contractor ordered one of his men to dig a trench eight feet deep to lay down some fiber optic cable. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the trench wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The cable installer did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the trench without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that trench deeper!"

 

 

Posted May 26, 2015

While most IT Departments refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking beer at work in the Data Center include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

 

 

Posted May 24, 20155

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

 

 

Posted May 21, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a workbench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

 


Posted May 20, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws, cont.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

 

 

Posted May 17, 2015

The Data Center Salary Theorem states that Network Engineers and Data Scientists can never earn as much as business executives and salespeople. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.

 

Posted May 15, 2015

Murphy's Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

 

 

Posted May 13, 2015

Some staff tell the secret of their Network Manager's long marriage. The married coupls takes time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays, he goes Fridays.

 

 

Posted May 10, 2015

Differences between You (Network Engineer) and Your Boss (Data Center Manager)

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

 

 

Posted May 9, 2015

A New York computer programmer was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" the techie snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

 

 

Posted May 6, 2015

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 

 

Posted May 5, 20155

A Data Center Manager was looking for data entry help. They put an ad in the paper and a sign outside the building, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the office, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the network manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the computer and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He printed out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went back to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".

 

 

Posted April 30, 2015

"How come you're late?" asks the Data Center Manager as the blonde data entry operator walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the manager.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

 

Posted April 27, 2015

A C++ programmer went into the local mall where he saw a sign on the escalator - "Dogs must be carried on this escalator."

The tech coder then spent the next two hours looking for a dog.

 

 

Posted April 22, 2015

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the network engineer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

 

 

Posted April 21, 2015

One night, a programmer comes into a restaurant and orders a meal. He looks really down, so the waiter gets worried. "What's the matter?" he asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explains the coder, "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The waiter thinks about this for a while and says, "But isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

 

 

Posted April 19, 2015

Wife texts network engineer husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now."

 

 

Posted April 16, 2015

There was a programmer who computed his taxes for 2000 & found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2000 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

Sincerely,

I. Gettook Everyear

 

 

Posted April 13, 2015

A Network Manager is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his colleagues, a Sys Admin, happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

 


Posted April 8, 2015

More Chat Room Abbreviations

\_/ \_/......................Soda
(~~)? (~~)3..................Coffee mugs
(_)?.........................Tea cups (fine china)
(~)..........................Chilled cups of fresh juice
[%]D.........................Hot cocoa with mini marshmallows
(#$#$#$#$#$).................Plate of hash browns and onions
[:::] [:::]..................Poptarts for all
(sgeg)===....................Pan of scrambled eggs
<*)((((((>>><................Fish
<:))))><.....................Fish
<><..........................Fish
<3 <3 <3.....................Hearts
@-->-->-- ...................A rose
())))___crayola___)))>.......Crayola Crayon
(::waving::).................Waving
{{{a screen name here}}}.....Personal Cyber hugs
{{{ }}}......................Lots of Hugs
:) .........................Smile or :o) ......with round nose
(:D) ........................Big Grin
:o...........................Surprised
:O...........................REALLY Surprised
:D...........................Laughing/smiling :oD.....with nose
:+ or :o+..................Kiss
:* or :o*..................Whistle
;) or ;o)..................Wink
:x or :ox..................My lips are sealed
}:(..........................Mad
=)...........................Smiley face
:( or :o(..................Frown
:'( or :,( or :,o(..........Crying
0:)..........................Angel (Halo is a zero)
(\O/)........................Angel
\o/ \o/ \o/..................Praising God

 

 

Posted April 5, 2015

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?

A. He uses "windows".

 

 

Posted April 3, 2015

A computer nerd is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

The geek thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

 

 

Posted April 1, 2015

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird engineering ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow.

He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental movement was restricted to a few Druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry.

He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place.

After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his technical advisors.  Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his scientists and engineers stuck standing there.

Until of course, one of his engineers whispered to him: . . . "Beware, the tides of starch."

 

 

Posted March 29, 2015

CIO to CEO: "Given a choice between dancing pigs and security, users will pick dancing pigs every time."

 

 

Posted March 26, 2015

Two network engineers working in a data center were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he replied, and just stood in place.

The network manager asked what he was doing, and the man responded, "I'm a light bulb."

"I think you need some time off," the network manager said, and the first man walked out of the data center.

After a moment, the second man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the manager shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

 

 

Posted March 24, 2015

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband, a systems administrator for a large insurance company was engrossed in a networking magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," the techie said.

 

 

Posted March 22, 2015

A young network security engineer was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

The techie replied, "Just a minute."

He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"

 

 

Posted March 19, 2015

Programmer #1: "I thought you were trying to get into shape?"

Programmer #2: "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."

 

 

Posted March 17, 2015

Laws of Programming

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the programmer who doesn't have to do it himself.

 

 

Posted March 15, 2015

Q: If someone from the 1950s appeared in today’s world, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life in our modern times?

A: I possess a device, which I carry in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to humankind. I use it to look at pictures of dogs, and to tell my friends what I ate for lunch.

 

 

Posted March 13, 2015

A Poem For Those IT Folks Over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

 

 

Posted March 10, 2015

The senior executive dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of water and a comforting word. "You look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer system broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

 

 

Posted March 8, 2015

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Network Data Centers, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

 

Posted March 4, 2015

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

 

Posted March 2, 2015

Three network engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three network engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered one of the IT guys.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three network engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the IT guys on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the network engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three network engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the IT guys left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

 

Posted February 28, 2015

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.  Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect.  So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...

I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computerreplied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***

 

 

Posted February 26, 2015

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

 

 

Posted February 24, 2015

A woman wrote to the help desk - the result is below:

Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as football 5.0 and basketball 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 has the potential to be a great program. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.

--Help Desk

 


Posted February 22, 2015

A Poem For Those Over 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

 

 

Posted February 19, 2015

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Documentation?

Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame, Sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

 

 

Posted February 17, 2015

Once there was a Silicon Valley millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party for all of his high tech friends and colleagues.

During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a programmer colleague in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The programmer says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

 

 

Posted February 15, 2015

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One, a pilot, had to go on a space walk while the other, an engineer, stayed inside.

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, 'Who's there?'

 

 

Posted February 13, 2015

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

 

 

Posted February 8, 2015

Returning home from work, a blonde data center secretary was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

 

Posted February 4, 2015

A computer nerd, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend, another techie geek, a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

 

 

Posted February 1, 2015

Later this year, it will be the 49th anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. And if you already knew that, it's probably the only anniversary you have to remember.

 

Posted January 29, 2015

“How are you getting on with your Cisco certification exams?”

“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”

 

 

Posted January 27, 2015

If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a pizza would be on its way to you...

 

 

Posted January 25, 2015

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in Data Center

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your CIO shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your CIO does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations to fellow network engineers, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask all of the sys admins mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

 

 

Posted January 23, 2015

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named "Fireworks and Vacuums" so my dog won't find them.

 

 

Posted January 20, 2015

Job Application:

Two young electronics engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.

 

 

Posted January 17, 2015

The Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:
"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

 

 

Posted January 15, 2015

A network engineer was telling his office mate, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the co-worker. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

 

 

Posted January 12, 2015

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

 

 

Posted January 10, 2015

One caller to our Tech Support Help Desk gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

 

 

Posted January 9, 2015

A computer program crashed in the lawyer's office, so he called a programmer.

The programmer arrived, unpacked his case, did mysterious programmer-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!."

The programmer quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

 

 

Posted January 4, 2015

One time, I had to tell a programming candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.

After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"

 

 

Posted January 2, 2015

Many years ago, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Subsequently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car7.0" or "Car8.0". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

 

 

Posted December 31, 2014

Faced with hard times, the high tech company offered a New Year's bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The holiday bonus went to a young woman in network systems administration who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

 

 

Posted December 29, 2014

One day my housework-challenged, programmer husband decided to wash his new sweatshirt that he had gotten for Christmas.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Georgia Tech."

 

 

Posted December 28, 2014

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy for Christmas.

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.

"It's designed to ease the tot into living in today's networked world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

 

 

Posted December 27, 2014

The Twelve Computerized Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
A glitch on the video screen.

On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen.

On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the FORTH day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE's
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVE'S
Three loose plugs,
Two key bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.

 

 

Posted December 26, 2014

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

 

 

Posted December 25, 2014

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Star Trek: The Next Generation Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;

The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
in hopes that no aliens would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);

And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a nice face to face...

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt form our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.

The bridge Red Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.

When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped to the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf! and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! and Wesly, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge! To the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling our bodies then flew,
As the captain called out, "What the...is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.

"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at Once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack,
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."

He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf I've some mints as his breath is not too great,
And for Geordi Laforge, and inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data a Joke Book, for Riker, a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we herd him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

 

 

Posted December 24, 2014

Web Surfer's Christmas s

'Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.

I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here..... with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off.....and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered........with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!

 

 

Posted December 21, 2014

Top 10 New Star Trek Toys For Christmas

10. "Borg Adapter Kit" Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will allow you to assimilate any of your action figures

9. "Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility"

8. "Borg Ship" with assimilation area and places to put disassembled parts of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy

7. "My First Tricorder"

6. "Holodeck play set" You two can recreate all those great holodeck program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with Lieutenant Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to minors)

5. "Screwed-up timeline Series" Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes"
              A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
              B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
              C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
              D. Time's arrow Play set (complete with Data's head, two pocket watches, the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
              E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)

4. "Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory"

3. "Kill Wesly Play Set" Now you can finally do all those things to Wesley Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with "Crash Test Dummy" Action figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)

2. "Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set" With falling barrels, crates of leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an unstable gateway to another world.

and the number one Star Trek Toy this Crhistmas:

1. A fully functional Phaser

 

 

Posted December 19, 2014

The X-FILES Christmas Case

"We're too late! It's already been here."

"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."

"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."

"You really think someone's been here?"

"Someone or some THING."

"Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake."

"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."

"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"

"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."

"But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"

"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry."

"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."

"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."

"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"

"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."

"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry."

"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."

"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."

"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"

"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"

"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."

"Impossible."

"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!"

"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."

"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."

"But we have no proof."

"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red."

"But that was a meteor shower."

"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."

"Mulder, I --"

"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"

"On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter."

"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."

 

 

Posted December 16, 2014

Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

 

 

Posted December 14, 2014

The Technical Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
AN ALGORITHM IN A SPANNING TREE

On the second day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
Two LLC's.........................(Chorus)

On the third day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
THREE ETHERNETS...................(CHORUS)

On the fourth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
FOUR TOKEN BUSES..................(CHORUS)

On the fifth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
F I V E T O K E N R I N G S!....(CHORUS)

On the sixth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SIX MANs A'MANNING................(CHORUS)

On the seventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
SEVEN BROADS A'BANDING............(CHORUS)

On the eighth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
EIGHT FIBERS SPARKLING............(CHORUS)

On the ninth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
NINE VIDEOS TALKING...............(CHORUS)

On the tenth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TEN VLANS ENCRYPTED...............(CHORUS)

On the eleventh day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
ELEVEN LANS SANS WIRES............(CHORUS)

On the twelveth day of Net Tech, my instructor gave to me,
TWELVE FAST ETHERNETS.............

(CHORUS, WITH FOUR PART HARMONY AND FEELING!)

 

 

Posted December 12, 2014

Techie Christmas Tunes

'Twas the 'Net before Christmas

Santa Claus is modem to town

Up On The Desktop

"Quark," The Herald Angels Sing

Gateway In A Manger

The First AOL

INTEL IT On The Mountain

.COM All Ye Faithful

JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Joy To The World Wide Web

 

 

Posted December 9, 2014

WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy -- although

My boss let me go --

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;

I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

 

 

Posted December 6, 2014

If 1990's Companies Ran Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $160 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would letyou take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them orwhat they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

 

 

Posted December 4, 2014

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:

Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

 

 

Posted December 2, 2014

Twas the Night Before Crisis

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"

 

 

Posted November 30, 2014

A Smilies ;-)

}:-) Above in an updraft

:-s After a bizarre comment

:-* After eating something bitter

:-6 After eating something sour

*:o) And bozo the clown!

O :-) Angel (at heart, at least)

|-I Asleep

:-% Banker

:-) Basic smiley

:-} Beard

(:-) Big-face

:-)-8 Big girl

|-O Birth

:-1 Bland face

[:-] Blockhead

:-( Boo hoo

:-X Bow tie

:-# Braces

%-6 Braindead

:^) Broken nose

:v) Broken nose, but it's the other way

:-E Bucktoothed vampire

:-c Bummed out smiley

C=:-) Chef

*:o) Clown

:-~) Cold

:-) Comedy

:-8( Condescending stare

:-t Cross smiley

:,( Crying

:'-( Crying too

0-) Cyclops (scuba diver?)

8-# Death

:-e Disappointed

:-} Ditto

,-) Ditto...but he's winking

:-( Drama

:*) Drunk

<:-I Dunce

(:I Egghead

:-#| Face with bushy mustache

>- Female

:-( Frowning

8-) Glasses

8:-) Glasses on forehead

:] Gleep...

:-) Ha ha

E-:-) Ham radio operator

:) Happy

:-| Have an ordinary day smiley

|-) Hee hee

:-> Hey hey

:-I Hmm

|-D Ho ho

+-:-) Holds religious office

B-) Horn-rims

=:-) Hosehead

[] Hugs

[] and :* Hugs and kisses

:-I Indifferent smilie

8 Infinity

:-* Just ate something sour

X-( Just died

:-> Just made a really devilish remark

:-7 Just made a wry statement

:-X Keeping lips sealed

:* Kisses

:-D Laughing

:-D Laughing (at you!)

:D Laughter

:v) Left-pointing nose smiley

:-b Left-pointing tongue smiley

(-: Left handed

:-j Left smiling smiley

:-/ Lefty undecided smiley

:-9 Licking his/her lips

8:-) Little girl

-< Mad

:- Male

3:[ Mean pet smilie

:> Midget smiley

:) Midget smilie

:< Midget unsmiley

:-{) Moustache

~~:-( Net.flame

:-0 No yelling! (quiet lab)

:-P Nyah nyah

:-=) Older smiley with mustache

+:-) Priest

@= Pro-nuclear

=:-) Punk-rocker

:[ Real downer

:-< Real sad smiley

:-C Really bummed

[:] Robot

:( Sad

,:-) Same thing...other side

:-@ Screaming

:-i Semi-smiley

:-o Singing national anthem

:-/ Skeptical

:-Q Smoker

|^o Snoring

:'-) So happy, s/he is crying

:-p Sticking its tongue out (at you!)

8-) Sunglasses

B:-) Sunglasses on head

:-o Surpise

8-| Suspense

8-) Swimmer

:-v Talking head smiley

:-& Tongue tied

:-O Uh oh

:-o Uh oh!

:-)~ User drools

*<:-) Wearing a santa claus hat

[:-) Wearing a walkman

:-# Wears braces

B-) Wears horn-rimmed glasses

:-{} Wears lipstick

::-) Wears normal glasses

:Q What?

;;-) Winking

{:-) With its hair parted in the middle

:^) With pointy nose (righty)

8 :-) Wizard

:-7 Wry

|-O Yawning/snoring

:O Yelling

|-P Yuk

 

 

Posted November 27, 2014

A Systems Admin was teaching his 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt:

The daughter asked, "Do I click the square?"

The techie said, "Yes."

The daughter then wanted to know, "Single click or double click?"

 

 

Posted November 25, 2014

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

 

 

Posted November 23, 2014

Dear Valued Data Center Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or, if you wish monetary compensation, notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

 

 

Posted November 21, 2014

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for network engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

 

 

Posted November 18, 2014

This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value, concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately.

He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this building'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

 

 

Posted November 15, 2014

A Systems Administrator hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss, the Data Center manager.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

The Network Manager tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My daddy said you eat like a pig and I don't want to miss it!"

 

 

Posted November 12, 2014

Things you would love to say out loud at work in the Data Center....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap .

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an Data Center. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

41. Stick your job where the sun don't shine

42. Hello I'm from renta-kill - where is the rat you want exterminated?

43. I see !! your going to do it that way then - MMmmmm

 

 

Posted November 9, 20144

An IT security architect was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

"Daddy, where's Mommy?"

 

 

Posted November 7, 2014

For months the Programmer had been a devoted admirer of the lady in HR. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," the Geek began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

 

 

Posted November 6, 2014

The VP of Network Engineering was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried an old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

 


Posted November 4, 2014

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

 

 

Posted November 1, 2014

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you for an entire week!"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket.

The frog cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a woman, I'll stay with you for a year."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful woman and that I'd stay with you for a year. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said: "Look, I'm a network engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

 

 

Posted October 30, 2014

Eight Rules for "Working Hard" in the Data Center


1. Never walk around the server room without a document or folder in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the toilet.


2. Use your computer to look busy

Any time you use your computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, check out Facebook, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the computer revolution portended, but they're not bad either.


3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.


4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.

Screen all your calls. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.


5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.


6. Leave the Data Center late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You can read magazines, romance novels, whatever, but figure out a way to bide your time—and then make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Bonus points: Send work emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 11:35pm, 5:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.


7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure and need get back to tend to critical issues.


8. MOST IMPORTANT:

DON'T forward this to your Network Manager by mistake!!!

 

 

Posted October 27, 2014

CTO: I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

 

Posted October 24, 2014

A pastor, a doctor and a network engineer are waiting one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. They see the course marshal and ask why he isn't doing something to expedite play.

"They're blind firefighters," says the marshal, "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them have free access to the course anytime they want."

After a moment's reflection, the group responds:

Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
 
Doctor: "I'm going to contact an ophthalmologist friend, and see if there's anything he can do for them."

Network Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

 

Posted October 23, 2014

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they weren't permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Data Center policy begins...

 

 

Posted October 20, 2014

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

 

 

Posted October 16, 2014

Three friends are sitting around talking one day when they begin to discuss what they would like their friends and families to say about them as they're laying in their caskets at their funerals.

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was an exceptional doctor, and a great family man."

The second man responds, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children's lives."

The last guy, a Sys Admin, replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

 

 

Posted October 14, 2014

Put More Stress Into Your Life, Network Engineers!

1. Refuse to take action on nagging network infrastructure problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your daily IT work and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important network equipment manuals from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems to junior techs. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your programming abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful than if you don't like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against a server rack. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

 

 

Posted October 12, 2014

Did you hear about the two microwave antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

 

 

Posted October 10, 2014

"Do you believe in life after death?" the Network Manager asked one of his hardware engineers.

"Yes, sir," the IT guy replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

 

Posted October 9, 2014

A Programmer (Me) Dealing with AT&T

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Jones please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Jones?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Jones?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Jones.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Jones we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Jones. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Jones?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you do not quite understand our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Jones, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)

 

Posted October 5, 2014

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

 

 

Posted October 3, 2014

A Prayer for the Stressed Network Manager

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those business users that I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

Help me also to be careful of the toes that I step on today as they may be connected to the feet that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always give 100% at work in the data center.........

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Friday.

Help me to remember .............

When I am having a bad day and it seems that the IT staff are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile but only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth.

 

 

Posted October 1, 2014

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"

 

 

Posted September 30, 2014

More Cyberaliases

Can you name the owners for these email cyberaliases? Hint: all of the addresses are for deceased female historical figures. (These are all
fake, so don't try to send email to these addresses.) Answers are below.

bella@backs_ships.com
eatcake@versailles.gov
iluvmark@nile.net
katy@whitehorse.com
mrs.pm@newdelhi.gov
sba@leagueofwomenvoters.org
vikki@windsor.net









(Answers: Queen Isabella, Marie Antoinette, Cleopatra, Katherine the
Great, Mrs. Gandhi, Susan B. Anthony, Queen Victoria)

 

Posted September 28, 2014

An IT executive was interviewing a young woman for a Network Systems Architect position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The pragmatic girl responded confidently, "The living one!"

 

 

Posted September 26, 2014

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

 

 

Posted September 25, 2014

The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway".

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach--I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30P.M.'"

 

 

Posted September 21, 2014

Q: What did the keyboard say to the programmer?

A: You’re really pushing my buttons!!!!

 

 

Posted September 18, 2014

A Dictionary of Network Management Project Terms

Programming Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Data Processing Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive coding research--It was discovered by accident.

Business Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The network architecture design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Network Bandwidth Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the firewall problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary server operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire new network architecture concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Programming Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

 

 

Posted September 14, 2014

On our Help Desk Technical Support line we have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday, the IT secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

 

 

Posted September 12, 2014

MATHEMATICS FOR GEEKS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

 

Posted September 9, 2014

Notice to Data Center Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof.

We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

MIS/IT Management

 

 

Posted September 7, 2014

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work in the IT department of a major computer company..

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

 

 

Posted September 6, 2014

Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

 

 

Posted September 4, 2014

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__


5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__


6. Is your computer plugged in?

Yes__ No__


7. Is it turned on?

Yes__ No__


8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?

Yes__ No__


9. Have you made it worse?

Yes__


10. Have you read the manual?

Yes__ No__


11. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Yes__ No__


12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?

No__


13. Do you think you understood it?

Yes__ No__


14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

__________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?

Yes__ No__


19. How does this problem make you feel?

__________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

__________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?

Yes__ No__


22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?

Yes__


Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

 

 

Posted September 2, 2014

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

 

 

Posted August 31, 2014

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

 

 

Posted August 29, 2014

Definitions of a Kiss

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Professor of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Professor of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Professor of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Professor of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Professor of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Professor of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Professor of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Professor of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Professor of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Professor of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Professor of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Professor of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Professor of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Professor of Network Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

 

 

Posted August 27, 2014

You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wing fighters is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock Thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ..."

 

 

Posted August 26, 2014

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?

Customer: Firefox.

Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

 

 

Posted August 24, 2014

A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

 

 

Posted August 22, 2014

MIS Dis-Inspirational Posters

There is no "I" in "teamwork"...but there is in "management kiss-up."

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

Pride, Commitment, Teamwork: Words we use to get you to work for free.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

Rome did not become a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

 

Posted August 19, 2014

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won.

 

 

Posted August 17, 2014

There's a man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for a software company, writing error messages.

 

 

Posted August 16, 2014

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.


Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

 

 

Posted August 14, 2014

For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”

The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”

 

 

Posted August 12, 2014

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

 

 

Posted August 10, 2014

Two technical types were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small network cable installation business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

The first engineer responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

 

 

Posted August 8, 2014

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles for my next network installation. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

 

 

Posted August 5, 2014

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with phone-line modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately send it to a friend!

 

 

Posted August 3, 201444

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

 

 

Posted August 1, 2014

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.


Customer: It's not working.
 

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
 

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

 

 

Posted July 31, 2014

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: 'Tried but nothing”

Tech Support: “What key did you hit?

After a moment and some clinking sounds the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

 

 

Posted July 29, 2014

As director of our network operations group, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's MIS training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

 

 

Posted July 27, 2014

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."

 

 

Posted July 26, 2014

Data Center Policies

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work in the IT Department dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each Data Center employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-IT-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the Data Center's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our Data Center. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

 

Posted July 23, 2014

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a network project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

 

 

Posted July 20, 2014

Even though I was a computer science student at the University of Rhode Island, chemistry was a required course. The professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.

When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"

 

 

Posted July 18, 2014

Our team of network engineers recently received a memo from senior IT management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.”

 

Posted July 16, 2014

Oracle Of Corporate IT Life

BEHOLD:

In the beginning, there was the Network Plan.
And then came the Infrastructure Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the
IT Workers and they spoke among
themselves saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their LAN Supervisors
and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their
Network Managers saying, "It is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their MIS Directors
saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's
strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves,
saying to one another, "It contains that which aids
plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the IT Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the CIO saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the
Data Center with very powerful effects."

And the CIO looked upon the Network Plan, and
said that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens...

 

 

Posted July 14, 2014

Warning: New Virus Called FEAR

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of FEAR, delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and
use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your "ex" your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there s company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.  FEAR will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current partner
behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your VISA card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of FEAR. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

FEAR will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.  It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.

AND PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

 

 

Posted July 13, 2014

At work in a major data center for a financial services company, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:

"Hi, Fred. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

 

 

Posted July 10, 2014

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.

A mathematician, a physicist, and a network engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"

Mathematician: "Never."

Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."

Network Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

 

 

Posted July 7, 2014

VP of Networking quote: "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

 

 

Posted July 5, 2014

Physics 101

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

 

 

Posted July 2, 2014

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

 

 

Posted June 30, 2014

2001 Press Release from the New Archives

Microsoft Patent

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant. "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal
trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system.  Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.


Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular
notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness.  Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

 

 

Posted June 27, 20144

USEFUL PHRASES TO USE IN THE DATA CENTER


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

 

 

Posted June 25, 2014

Computer Sayings

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks

 

 

Posted June 22, 2014

Top 10 reasons to go to work in the Data Center naked...

1. Network Manager is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 

 

Posted June 20, 2014

Quote from the Director of Networks and Infrastructure: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

 

 

Posted June 17, 2014

A young IT worker bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend.

“Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk.

The young nerd thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

 

 

Posted June 15, 2014

A programmer went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.  Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.  He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'

 

 

Posted June 13, 2014

A systems architect for a major consumer packaged goods company learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members, also in the IT department, to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily, he scribbled a message to one network engineer and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Fred."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his workstation and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

 

 

Posted June 10, 2014

Johnny never wanted to believe that his Dad was stealing from his job as an IT specialist for highway notification systems.

But when he got home, all the signs were there.

 

Posted June 8, 2014

A video game programmer was passing by a small courtyard when he started hearing voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

Black-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The geek turned to a black-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"

 

 

Posted June 4, 2014

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

 

 

Posted June 2, 2014

A network systems architect went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the computer geek's expense, so he asked, "My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"

The passenger had no idea.

The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"

The man went home to his wife and said to her. "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"

His wife was stumped and said, "I don't know, who?"

The techie responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."

 

 

Posted May 31, 2014

Overheard in the server room: "No one will believe you solved this storage problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

 

 

Posted May 28, 2014

Sign in the Data Center: "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

 

 

Posted May 26, 2014

Jim, our network manager, had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work, he ran into our CIO, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly say, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

 

 

Posted May 23, 2014

The interviewer examined the programmer job application then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The techie applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

 

 

Posted May 20, 2014

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ......


I D 1 0 T

 

 

Posted May 18, 2014

Sally, a systems architect for our company, was driving home from one of her business trips to our data center in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

 

 

Posted May 15, 2014

An IT consultant died suddenly at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven. The angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.

After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

 

 

Posted May 13, 2014

A distraught Network Manager made an appointment with a counselor.

"I was out of town on business," he told the doctor," and I left a message for my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend!"

The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.

The doctor considered the problem and said, "Ok, let's relax and approach the problem logically. Maybe she never got your telegram!"

 

 

Posted May 11, 2014

A LAN engineer was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut, stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of the house again went to the mail box and opened it, slammed it shut again angrily. Back into the house she went.

As the techie was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the IT guy asked her "Is something wrong" to which she replied "There certainly is. My stupid computer keeps giving a Message saying........". "You've Got Mail"

 

 

Posted May 9, 2014

Two programmers were driving through the country to go bear hunting.

They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read, "BEAR LEFT".

So they went home.

 

 

Posted May 6, 201444

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary programmer in a data center in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

 

 

Posted May 4, 2014

Network Engineers

When does a person decide to become a network engineer?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

What do network engineers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How can you tell an extroverted network engineer?
When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Why did the network engineers cross the road?
Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an network engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an network engineer if ...

... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

 

 

Posted May 2, 20144

Programming Manager to Staff: "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

 

 

Posted April 29, 2014

Joe, our network manager, had asked Bob, a systems engineer, to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

 

 

Posted April 27, 2014

During a recent password audit, our I.T. group discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 


 

Posted April 25, 2014

Quote from the CIO: "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

 

 

Posted April 23, 2014

An architect, an artist and a network engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The network engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Network Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the computer lab and get some work done."

 

 

Posted April 20, 2014

Plea from a network project manager desperately trying to complete a new project plan: "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”

 

 

Posted April 18, 2014

Actual Announcement in Data Center cafeteria:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

 

 

Posted April 15, 2014

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

 

 

Posted April 13, 2014

Smith, a network engineer, was always tired. After a while, he became known in the office for dozing off at his desk, sometimes even several times a day.

Granted, he had a reason: his wife just had twins and he didn't get much sleep at home. But his boss, the Network Manager, was having none of it. He told Smith, that if he was caught sleeping on the job one more time, he would be fired.

After a short while, the Network Manager decided to make a surprise visit at Smith's desk, to see if the situation had improved.

You can imagine, what happened next: he found Smith asleep.

But Smith was a quick thinker. He woke up just in time, remained in his position and calmly delivered the following line that saved his job: "...and I especially thank you for my excellent Network Manager. Amen."

 

 

Posted April 11, 2014

Recently my CIO called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.

 

 

Posted April 8, 2014

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way the first railways were built in England, and the first US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines in Europe were designed and built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who designed and built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Okay, why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well... when they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons were prone to breaking down on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who created these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by the Legions of Imperial Rome for the same reason the autobahns were built by Hitler and the Interstates were constructed in the U.S. To facilitate the movement of troops and supplies throughout the Empire - Reich - Country.

And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were all made to certain specifications for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military, as it were) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

But one "nagging" question still remains. Why did the design of the Roman army war chariots incorporate that specific wheelbase?

Answer: Because the chariots were designed to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

So, the next time you are handed some odd ball specification for your network or programming code and you assume that some horse's ass was responsible for coming up with it, you may be exactly right!

 

 

Posted April 6, 2014

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.

Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

 

 

Posted April 3, 2014

Dictionary of IT Project Terms & Phrases

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

 

 

Posted April 1, 2014

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

 

 

Posted March 30, 2014

We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a couple hours.

She seems like quite a nice person.

 

 

Posted March 27, 2014

The IT manager of a large office asked a new support employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the network manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The IT manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
 
The new computer support guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

 

 

Posted March 24, 2014

Three Helpdesk Calls

Call #1

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Newbie customer: A white one...

 

Call #2


Hi, this is Marie. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Marie: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...."

Marie: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry

 

Call #3

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

 

Posted March 23, 2014

My boss, the CIO, and I had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for our trip to the new data center overseas. "I wish I'd brought my desktop keyboard with me," said Mr. CIO.

"What on earth for?" I asked while noting that there would be all types of equipment available at the new data center.

"I've left our airline tickets on it."

 

 

Posted March 21, 2014

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. IT Departments, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other data centers to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's networking environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire IT contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a new boost product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

 

Posted March 20, 2014

A small IT Consulting business was opening its first branch office because of a big new contract with a new insurance company and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

 

 

Posted March 18, 2014

WORK Virus Warning

There is a new virus going around, called WORK.

If you receive any sort of WORK at all, whether via email, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open WORK or even look at WORK have found that
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter WORK via email or are faced with any WORK at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've
had enough of your crap...I'm off to the pub". The WORK should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successful destroyed.

If you receive WORK in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your garbage can and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that
WORK will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the WORK VIRUS has already corrupted your life.

 

 

Posted March 15, 2014

Computer Terms in Maine

Log on - Make the wood stove hotta.

Log off - Don't add no more wood.

Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.

Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.

Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood.

Ram - The thing that split that firewood.

Hard drive - Getting home in the winta.

Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta.

Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.

Screen - What to shut during black fly season.

Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen.

Byte - What the black flies do.

Bit - What the black flies did.

Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season.

Chip - Munchies for TV.

Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway.

Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife.

Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out.

Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.

Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.

Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.

Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully.

Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.

Web - What a spida makes.

Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings.

Cursor - Someone who swears.

Search engine - What you do when the caa dies.

Home page - Map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods.

Upgrade - Steep hill.

Server - Waitress.

Mail server - Male waitress, damn few in Maine.

Sound card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it.

User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.

Browser - A problem moose in the garden or blueberry patch.

Network - Mending holes in the fishnet.

Internet - Complicated fishnet repair method.

Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network.

Online - Good sign there'll be clean clothes this week.

Offline - The clothespins let go and the laundry falls to the ground.

 

 

Posted March 14, 2014

Science and Engineering have a language of there own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point.

A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board.

Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..."

He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict.

Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."

 

 

Posted March 12, 2014

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.  Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.  It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

 

Posted March 11, 2014

“Honey,” says an IT Architect to his wife, “I invited one of our network engineers home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

 

 

Posted March 7, 2014

Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!

Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!

Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data!

Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus!

Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness!

Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: It left it's Windows open!

Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: Because it was looking for a byte to eat?

Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Because someone stepped on it's mouse!

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?
A: A screensaver!

Q: Where do all the cool mice live?
A: In their mousepads

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Lots of memory!

 

 

Posted March 5, 2014

My niece landed a great Network Architect job with a technology firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

 

 

Posted March 3, 2014

Can you name the cartoon owners for these email cyberaliases? (These are all fake, don't try to send email to these addresses.) Answers are below.

wise_dog@moose.com
badboy@springfield.net
kill_the_wabbit@nra.org
quacker@walts_world.com
caped_hero@rodent.net
sly@wb.com
greens_eater@navy.gov










(Answers: Professor Peabody, Bart Simpson, Elmer Fudd, Donald Duck, Mighty Mouse, Sylvester the cat, Popeye)

 

 

Posted February 28, 2014

Jake, fresh off being hired in his first network engineering position, had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are now earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.

"There are twelve of us..."

 

 

Posted February 25, 2014

First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our IT department opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud.

"Gwen," said our boss, the VP of IT, finally, "you seem to be a normal, level-headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?"

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."

 

 

Posted February 22, 2014

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.

 

 

Posted February 19, 2014

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

 

 

Posted February 17, 2014

Haiku PC Errror Messages

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

 

 

Posted February 15, 2014

Dear Tech Support:

Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software: severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No  mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!!!

Signed,

Jane

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

 

 

Posted February 12, 20144

"How is it that every time I pass your station, you are not working?" the angry network manager asked of one of his LAN engineers.

"It's because you wear sneakers, sir!"
 

 

Posted February 7, 2014

One day a CIO drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the IT executive and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

 

Posted February 5, 2014

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the IT department.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed and having a lot of network problems, Smith," the LAN suprvisor replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

 

 

Posted February 2, 2014

Can you name the celebrity owners for these email cyberaliases? Hint:  all of the celebs are deceased 1960's icons and missed out on surfing
the internet. (These are all fake, don't try to send email to these addresses.) Answers are below.

andy@15mins.org
jim@perception.rock.com
king@sun_sessions.com
jimi@experienced.com
bob@longtime_coming.net
doc_martin@dream.org
jj@big_brother.com

 




(Answers: Andy Warhol, Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix,
Robert Kennedy, Dr. Martin Luther King, Janis Joplin)

 

 

Posted January 30, 2014

Ever wondered what Heaven looks like ?

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven’s reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

“Hello,” said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. “My name is Gabriel and I’ll be your induction coordinator.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. “No, I’m not the Archangel Gabriel. I’m just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it’s first name first.”

“Gates, Bill.” Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill’s Record of Earthly Works. “What’s going on here?” asked Bill. “Why are all these people here? Where’s Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?”

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill’s records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. “It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Gosh, when God said to ‘go forth and multiply,’ he didn’t say ‘like rabbits!’ With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?”

“I guess not.”

“You guess right.”

So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions.” Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. “Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you’ll be getting a plum job assignment.”

“Job assignment?”

“Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your butt and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!” Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. “Take this down to Induction Center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham.”

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. “No, he’s not *that* Abraham.” Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to Induction Center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

“Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure,” explained Abraham. “As you’ve seen, we’re still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries.”

“I had to wait *three* weeks,” said Bill.

Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he’d made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it’s best not to contradict a bureaucrat. “Well,” Bill offered, “maybe that Syria thing has you guys backed up.”

Abraham’s look of anger faded to mere annoyance. “Your job will be to supervise Heaven’s new data processing center. We’re building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works.”

Bill could barely contain his excitement. “Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!”

“We’re just finishing construction, and we’ll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?”

“You bet!”

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven’s new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ….

…. Macintoshes ….

…. all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. “What about PCs???” he exclaimed. “What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???”

“You’re forgetting something,” said Abraham.

“What’s that?” asked Bill plaintively.

“This is Heaven,” explained Abraham. “We need a computer system that’s heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ….

…. GO TO HELL!”

 

 

Posted January 29, 2014

Useful Phrases in the IT Department

(01) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

(02) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're a technical genius.

(03) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

(04) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

(05) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

(06) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

(07) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

(08) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

(09) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

(10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

(11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about your networking skills.

(12) It's a thankless wiring job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

(13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

(14) No, my technical powers can only be used for good.

(15) How about never? Is never good for you?

(16) I'm really easy to get along with once you engineers learn to worship me.

(17) Your programming solutions sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.

(18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

(19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

(20) I don't work here. I'm an IT consultant.

(21) Who, me? I just wander from data center to data center.

(22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this networking job without my toys!

(23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

(24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

(25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

(26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

(27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

(28) I'm sorry, you must have took me for someone who gives a darn.

(29) I'm not in the mood to fix the bandwidth problem but when I get into it, I will be sure not to call you!

 

 

Posted January 25, 2014

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a network engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be an IT manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

 

Posted January 23, 2014

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I manage the IT department. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few help desk staff members, "What the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

 

 

Posted January 20, 2014

Four best friends -- all in working in the IT departments of different companies -- met at the hospital since their wives were all giving birth at the same time.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the network manager of the Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." That man said, "Hmmm, strange I worked as the IT director for 3M.  

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins x2."  This man is happy and says, "Ironic, I am a database administrator for the Four Seasons Hotels.

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I write applications code for 7UP!"

 

 

Posted January 18, 2014

I am a network administrator who must travel constantly to my company's multiple locations around the country. While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter one day, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."

 

 

Posted January 15, 2014

Student Science Quiz Answers

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

 

 

Posted January 13, 201444

When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a computer company, customer help calls ranged from the mundane to the bizarre.

One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a man who complained that every time he flushed his toilet, his computer would reboot.

It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water supplied by a well with an electric pump. Every time he flushed, it would turn on the pump, causing a dip in the electric power, which in turn would cause the computer to restart itself.

 

 

Posted January 11, 2014

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.  Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

 

 

Posted January 9, 20144

The Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along!
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

 

 

Posted January 5, 2014

The heaviest element known to science is IT-Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

IT-Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

 

 

Posted January 2, 2014

Bubba applied for a network engineering position at the data center for a Lake Charles refinery.

A Northerner applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the IT manager. Upon completion of the networking principles test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Northerner the job.”

Bubba asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!”

The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.”

Bubba then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The manager replied: “Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Northerner put down; “I don’t know.” You put down, “Neither do I.”

 

 

Posted December 31, 2013

New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies
 
*I will try to figure out why I “really” need 12 e-mail addresses.

*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

*I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

*I will stop sending e-mail, Skype Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

*I resolve to back up my 500 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year.

*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet – This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

*When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

*I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

*I will think of a password other than “password.”

*I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

 

 

Posted December 26, 2013

You Might Be A Trekker If...

You have ever considered getting Chakotay's tattoo

You hit the gas pedal on your car and say "Engage"

You tell the cab driver "Warp speed . . . NOW"

Your dogs name is Picard

Your bookcase has more than one shelf reserved for Trek Books

You actually considered buying that $1000 Enterprise scale model from the Franklin Mint

You're not completely dressed unless you've got your communicator pin on

You have Star Trek action figures standing next to computer

While giving the kid a 'driving lesson' you say "EnGAGE"

When someone follows you you think they are a Romulan
 

EEvery bald man you see you think is Patrick Stewart

When you're mad say "Sir I protest, I am NOT a merry man!"

You bring Klingon dishes to potlucks!

You know what time Star Trek is on in every country

You visit someone, and all you can think to say is, "Good tea.  Nice house."

You consider going out of state to see a con excluding the Grand Slam

You've ever ended an *important* meeting with "MAKE IT SO"

You go to the microwave and bark "Tea! EarlGrey! Hot!"

You tap your cell phone and say "yes Uhura!"

You start finding ridged foreheads attractive

You get in an elevator and say what floor you want

You actually try talking to your computer

You ask your mechanic to fix the hesitation in your car when it hits Warp 3

You have a Vulcan Science Academy window decal on your vehicle

Your other vehicle really is a federation starship!

Your bumper sticker says "Human by birth, Klingon by choice"

Your bumper sticker says "human by birth, Klingon by the grace of Kayless"

You hit a pothole in the road and say "captain she canna take any more o'this!"

You pattern your wedding around Miles and Keiko's

You never use contractions

You wait for a door to open for you

You call your assistant number one

Every time you're faced with a decision, you say, "um-hmm, I see.  Suggestions?"

You look for things, things to make you strong

You know what stardate it is

When the people at work start calling you Q

You respond to every problem by saying "raise shields"

Your car breaks down and you ask the mechanic for a level 1 diagnostic

You've ever driven down Wall Street and looked around for Ferengi

You say "Mr sulu, take us home," when your flight is taking off

You've laughed at 90% of these and understood the 'in' jokes

You moderate a Trek listserver group at work!

 

Posted December 23, 2013

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous IT client that I consult for, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."

 

 

Posted December 21, 2013

Heather and Marcy, two database administrators, hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.

After discussing the latest in SQL query techniques, the talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

 

 

Posted December 18, 2013

My mother was away all weekend at an IT conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

 

 

Posted December 15, 2013

One programmer said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

 

 

Posted December 13, 2013

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,

They remind me of some IT co-workers.

They all hang together, half of them don't work,

and the ones that do aren't that bright.

 

 

Posted December 11, 2013

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed round the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly reducing him to a smear of goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

 

 

Posted December 10, 2013

Catherine, a database administrator, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the DBA shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective, high tech employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

 

 

Posted December 6, 2013

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Crusty Old Programmer: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Crusty Old Programmer: "I don't really give a crap what you think."

 

 

Posted December 4, 2013

Finally, the good-natured VP of Networking was compelled to call his top network engineer into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your mother to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the IT worker. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

 

 

Posted December 1, 2013

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR Manager asked a young network engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The LAN engineer replies, "In the region of $110,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer asks, "Well, what would you say to benefits of 6-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical/dental/life insurance, company matching pension fund to 50% of salary, and a company car, probably a Mercedes?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

 

Posted November 27, 2013

Our network engineer, Bob, had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss, our Network Manager, was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

 

 

Posted November 25, 2013

Engineers never make as much money as business executives. Now, finally, a rigorous mathematical proof to explain this phenomenon:

Postulate 1. Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2. Time is Money

As every engineer knows:

WORK
---------- = POWER (1)
TIME

The more WORK you put in, the more POWER. Even Better, doing the same WORK in less TIME gives more POWER.

Since KNOWLEDGE=POWER, and TIME=MONEY, we can rewrite Equation (1) as:

WORK
------------ = KNOWLEDGE (2)
MONEY

Solving for MONEY we get:

WORK
-------------------- = MONEY
KNOWLEDGE

Thus, as KNOWLEDGE approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the WORK done.

Inescapable Conclusion: The Less You Know, the More You Make.

 

 

Posted November 22, 2013

A young man was applying for a network administrator job in a company.
 
"I'm sorry," said the CIO, "but the department is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."
 
"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do won't be noticed anyway."

 

 

Posted November 20, 2013

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline to Attend the Latest IT Networking Conference

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

 

 

Posted November 18, 2013

Two network engineers, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.

“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

 

 

Posted November 16, 2013

Two programmer coworkers were talking by the water fountain and one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced."

The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces."

The first man replies, "No, I just got married."

 

 

Posted November 13, 2013

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.

The Photon replies, "No I'm traveling light."

 

 

Posted November 12, 2013

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician replies: "Yes!"

 

 

Posted November 11, 2013

Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree in computer science or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."

 

 

Posted November 7, 2013

Software Development Cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

 

 

Posted November 4, 2013

At work in the IT department of a large company, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:

"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

 

 

Posted November 2, 2013

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

 

 

Posted October 31, 2013

I read programming specifications the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

 

 

Posted October 30, 2013

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

 

 

Posted October 28, 2013

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's
incredible", says the bartender..."I would never have believed it!"


"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5,10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the
neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll
of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax."

 

 

Posted October 18, 20133

Ten Best pickup lines of James T Kirk

10. Do you come to this planet often?

9. You have the most eyes I've ever seen.

8. Would you like to come up and see my dilithium crystals sometime?

7. Want to sit in the captain's chair? I can get you onto the bridge.

6. What's the matter? Have a force field around you or something?

5. Didn't we meet at Ponn farr seven years ago?

4. Is that a shuttlecraft in your bikini, or are you just glad to see me?

3. You really know how to activate my tractor beam!

2. What's a nice energy pattern like you doing in a quadrant like this?

1. Hey, nice Tribbles!

 

 

Posted October 17, 2013

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

 

 

Posted October 13, 2013

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military as a network engineer. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

“Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked:

“Does she like you?”

 

 

Posted October 10, 2013

A Canadian customer was calling Tech Support to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

 

 

Posted October 7, 2013

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader


A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

THAT STUPID IDIOT WAS READING OVER MY SHOULDER WHEN I WROTE THE REPORT
SENT TO YOU EARLIER TODAY. KINDLY READ EVERY SECOND LINE (IE.
1,3,5,7,9...) FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS.
Sd/-
Project Leader

 

 

Posted October 5, 2013

Hunting Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 

1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
     a. Catch each animal seen.
     b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
     c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:

     (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
     (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

 

 

Posted October 2, 2013

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob, our networking engineer intern inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

 

 

Posted September 29, 2013

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his network engineering employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the IT employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

 

 

Posted September 26, 2013

A father came home from a long business trip to a Network Computing Conference to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

 “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

 

 

Posted September 24, 2013

One day my housework-challenged, programmer husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Massachusetts Institute of Technology.”

And they say blondes are dumb…

 

 

Posted September 22, 2013

Heaven and Hell

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

 

 

Posted September 19, 2013

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)

I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

 

 

Posted September 16, 2013

Bob, our network manager, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, broughtthe box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

 

Posted September 15, 2013

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

 

 

Posted September 12, 2013

An IT executive calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

 

Posted September 9, 2013

If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.609 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

Posted September 6, 2013

Three absent minded programmers were busy discussing a coding project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the programmers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.

A passerby who saw all this came up to the programmer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The programmer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.

 

 

Posted September 3, 2013

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

 

 

Posted August 31, 2013

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great Support Desk job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

 

 

Posted August 27, 2013

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

 

 

Posted August 25, 2013

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a key- board. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

 

 

Posted August 21, 2013

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell my smartphone, MP3 player, tablet, laptop, desktop, printer and fax machine."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

 

 

Posted August 18, 2013

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied
with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working!"

 

 

Posted August 14, 2013

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

 

 

Posted August 12, 2013

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

 

 

Posted August 10, 2013

The newly-married Network Engineer came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

 

 

Posted August 6, 2013

Did you read that scientists have recently decoded the first low-frequency radio waves from an alien civilization ever to reach Earth...!

It said:

Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

 

 

Posted August 3, 2013

During an important Cloud Networking conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

 

 

Posted July 31, 201333

The Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

 

 

Posted July 29, 2013

A Network Manager enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket protector, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket protector and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The techie replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

 

 

Posted July 28, 2013

Sue and Deb are having a conversation while waiting for a large piece of IT software code to compile. Sue asks, "So, Deb, how's your sex life these days?"

Deb replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Sue asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

 

 

Posted July 25, 201333

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."

 

 

Posted July 23, 2013

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

 

 

Posted July 20, 2013

A customer called our service line demanding help with her PC, which wouldn't come on.

"I'm sorry, but we cant send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my computer fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"

 

 

Posted July 18, 2013

A DBA is at work one day when he notices that his IT co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

 


Posted July 15, 2013

Three Telecom workers had a job in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so they had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story - each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke. As they ascended the flight to the 102nd
floor, the third telecom guy said, "I forgot the key."

 

 

Posted July 12, 2013

A co-worker called our tech support line for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" I suggested.

"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

 

 

Posted July 9, 2013

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

 

 

Posted July 6, 2013

A computer geek was on his way home with a new smartphone, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

"Daddy, where's Mommy?"

 

 

Posted July 3, 2013

Two PC Geeks are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.

The other geek yells, "You idiot, you can't outrun a bear."

The first techie gasps, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I just have to outrun you."

 

 

Posted July 1, 2013

A computer, to print out a fact,

Will divide, multiply, and subtract.

But this output can be

No more than debris,

If the input was short of exact.

 

 

Posted June 27, 2013

A Network Administrator gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s going on here?’ he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

“You IDIOT!!!,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked and scaring the kids!”

 

 

Posted June 24, 2013

A college computer science professor asked his class a question. "If my LAN in Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and my network in Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and the WAN in Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half crazy."

 

 

Posted June 22, 2013

My daughter Lucy worked in my IT department while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Lucy had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

 

 

Posted June 20, 2013

Things That Never Happened On Star Trek...

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life- form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well- stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

 

 

Posted June 18, 2013

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful high tech entrepreneur. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The wealthy computer jock mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.

“Third, that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the wealthy nerd’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving
her penniless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the rich IT geek cut him off once again, “…And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!”

 

 

Posted June 15, 2013

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his IT employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “no”.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his tech support employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”

 

 

Posted June 12, 2013

Is Your Computer 'Male' or 'Female'?

And now for the question of the day---is your computer 'Male' or 'Female'?

YOU DECIDE!

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "steady as she goes" or "she's listing to port, Captain!")
Recently a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad Command" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I am mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

HOWEVER, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to al if they were male. Their reasons follow:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 

 

Posted June 11, 2013

Sex Manual For Computer Experts

1. Be user friendly

2. Take bytes (nibbles) hehe

3. Fondle joystick

4. Spread sheet

5. Fix surge protector

6. Activate hardware

7. Insert disc, all the way (yes yes)

8. Do it until it megabytes

9. Back it up

10. Eject floppy

 

 

Posted June 9, 2013

"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?"

"Yes."

"I want you to send somebody over right away."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a horrid PC repairman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."

 

 

Posted June 7, 2013

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.  This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”

 

 

Posted June 5, 2013

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for me and my siblings who are all in the IT business. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!"

 

 

Posted June 3, 2013

A professor was giving a big test one day to his computer science students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

 

 

Posted June 1, 2013

In a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?

Among the many raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what HE would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the end of the runway, let alone leave the ground!

 

 

Posted May 30, 2013

One Tech Support guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”

“Did you see a lawyer?”

“No, I got married.”

 

 

Posted May 27, 2013

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Matilda was given a "cordless" phone by her son, a telecom manager in a high tech company. He lived 1500 miles away.

After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her.

"How is your new phone working, Mom."

Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

 

 

Posted May 24, 2013

A young man, fresh out of college with a computer science degree, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said.

"You have way too much time on your hands!"

 

 

Posted May 22, 2013

A female student in a computer science course shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...

"I would do anything to pass the exam".

She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do....anything!!!".

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"

He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you.....Study?"

 

 

Posted May 20, 2013

A computer nerd was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.

The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."

The techie thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account.

POOF! He had a bank statement with the money in his account.

Next the computer geek wished for a Ferrari red in color.

POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.

The PC jock asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

 

Posted May 17, 2013

A wife called her husband, an IT manager, at work as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and the husband could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

The husband replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

 

 

Posted May 15, 2013

When Bill Gates moved into his new house, the following conversation was heard:

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center
on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.  You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh>Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from
other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house
and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

 

 

Posted May 14, 2013

A young IT analyst was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is very important, and my secretary’s already left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young analyst. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I’ll just need one copy.”

 

 

Posted May 12, 2013

For the answer to the eternal question “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”, I submit the following:

Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That = $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He’ll make about $15,600 during a marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

 

Posted May 10, 2013

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor, a network engineer that was watching her, commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

 

 

Posted May 7, 2013

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

"Will the computer science students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred IT students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

 

 

Posted May 6, 2013

The Thinking IT Man

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and IT employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the VP of IT called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.” “It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my IT job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

 

 

Posted May 5, 2013

You Are Probably a High Tech Redneck If…

1.Your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com”.

2.You connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page”.

3.The bumper sticker on your truck says “My other computer is a laptop”.

4.Your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith and Wesson”.

5.You’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

6.Your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT”.

7.Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

8.Your wife said “either she or the computer had to go”, and you still don’t miss her.

9.You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your coke on.

10.You ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy”.

11.Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

12.You start all your e-mails with the words “Howdy y’all”.

13.You would rather swap your old wife for a new pig then swap your old PC for a new Mac.

14.You consider your teeth to be scuzzy devices (SCSI).

15.Your Caller ID has Betty Sue, Jim Joe Bob, or Sally May stored in it’s memory.

16.You have Call Forwarding to the barn.

17.Token-ring refers to either your computer network or your wife’s wedding ring.

18.You have any of the following links in your “down home page”: The 4X4 WEB PAGE, NRA.org (National Rifle Association), or Home Page Farm Journal Today.

19.You’re computer’s error message says “Ya’ll Reckon (Yep/Nope)”.

20.You start every conversation on the cell phone in your truck with “breaker one nine”.

21.Your family tree looks like a thin ethernet network.

22.A 56K modem is too slow, but a third grade class is too fast.

23.You compare learning to wrestling a greased pig.

24.You buy a new 50″ big screen TV just so the fish you caught and video taped look bigger.

25.Internet dating is your ONLY hope.

26.You have four or more antennas on your truck.

27.You’re wife uses a microwave to do her hair.

28.Your computer mouse can carry the plague.

29.You use the CD drive as a cup holder for your beer.

30.Your pager has more memory than your whole family put together.

31.Your family has ever had a feud over which internet provider to use.

32.You have created a computer virus just by breathing on the monitor.

33.You use the term “fishing” or “hunting” instead of “surfing” the web.

34.You have more phone lines than you have teeth.

35.SimFarm is your favorite computer game.

36.You had to move at least one old tire to make room for the new 18″ digital satellite dish on the roof of your house.

37.You have to milk a cow to make Cafe Latte.

38. You can’t get your web browser to work. Your son then tells you to use PPP, and you urinate on the computer three times.

 

 

Posted May 3, 2013

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

 


 

Posted May 1, 201333

Murphy's Law - The Tech Version

* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

 

 

Posted April 29, 2013

Our 25-year-old son moved back home, after graduating with a degree in Computer Science, with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he'd planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read "Condo down payment."

 

 

Posted April 26, 2013

Bill G. Eats Pie

911 can I help you...

"Hello, Brussels police department, how may I assist you? "

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"

"Country?"

"USA"

"Native language?"

"English"

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other reports that people were being hit in the face with custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes"

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No"

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes"

"Any pies then?"

"No"

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute.." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not"

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem,
though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department." <click>

 

 

Posted April 25, 2013

A man got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it.
The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.

The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "well, your
$0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

 

 

Posted April 23, 2013

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: 'Tried but nothing”

Tech Support: “What key did you hit?

After a moment and some jiggling sounds, the customer replied: "Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key."

 

 

Posted April 19, 2013

An IT analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.

"You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.

"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six...so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."

"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.

"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."

 

 

Posted April 16, 2013

Two MIS students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second student replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second student nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

 

Posted April 14, 2013

IT VP: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

 

 

Posted April 11, 2013

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

 

 

Posted April 9, 201333

Catherine, a LAN Manager, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the tech shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

 

 

Posted April 7, 2013

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

 

 

Posted April 5, 2013

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information.

So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?"

Customer: "What exactly does a 'modem with no sound support' mean?"

Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it."

Customer: "What does the modem have to do with that?"

Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet."

Customer: "So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?"

Saleswoman: "Yes."

Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?"

Saleswoman: "I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold."

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

 

 

Posted April 2, 2013

Dictionary of IT Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.

End user satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the end user will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new programmers; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

 


 

Posted April 1, 2013

Because of the reaction IT people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.

Many IT people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, IT people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, IT people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's erroneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, IT people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the IT singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week --and the weekend-- IT people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.

 

 

Posted March 29, 2013

Yesterday for IT People

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

 

 

Posted March 27, 2013

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};

summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6;

summer.lease = new Date(2006, 7, 31).getTime() - new Date(2006, 5, 1).getTime();
thee.lease = new Date(2042, 6, 12).getTime() - new Date(1970, 8, 25).getTime();

summer.complexion = 0xFFCC33;
thee.complexion = 0xFFCCCC;

summer.fair = 10;
thee.fair = 10;

summer.getValue = function():Number {
return --this.fair;
};
thee.getValue = function():Number {
return this.fair;
};

summer.incrementTime = function():Number {
return --this.lease;
};
thee.incrementTime = function():Number {
return this.lease;
};

var man:Object = {};
man.hasEyes = true;
man.canBreathe = true;
man.lease = 10000;
man.liveLong = function():Void {
this.lease *= 10;
};
man.giveLife = function(o:Object):Void {
o.lease++;
trace(o.name + " is given life");
};
man.compare = function(o1:Object, o2:Object):Void {
if (this.canBreathe && this.hasEyes) {
this.liveLong();
var n1:Number = 0;
var n2:Number = 0;
var o1isBetter:Boolean;
for (var i in o1) {
if (typeof (o1[i]) == "function") {
o1isBetter = o1[i]() > o2[i]() ? true : false;
} else {
o1isBetter = o1[i] > o2[i] ? true : false;
}
n1 += Number(o1isBetter);
n2 += Number(!o1isBetter);
}
this.giveLife(n1 > n2 ? o1 : o2);
}
};


man.compare(summer, thee);

 

 

Posted March 25, 2013

3 Biggest Lies...

3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bug free.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
- The new machines on order.

 

 

Posted March 23, 2013

Signs You're Addicted to the Net Circa 1999

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This profile best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom, or they all have names composed of eight or more characters including at least one
numeral.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28,000-baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You don't think that any of these are funny.

Your wife puts a wig over your monitor to remind you what she looks like

You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So, you check it again

You have your telephone bill delivered in a box

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http//123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because, "daddy's got work to do"....and you don't have a job

Your spouse says communication is important to a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button

Your computer goes down, you haven't logged on for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed.

 

 

Posted March 22, 2013

Here are the top 10 signs you may be an Internet Geek...

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

 

 

Posted March 19, 2013

Once upon a time, there were four people in a small IT department; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

 

 

Posted March 18, 2013

Many scientists believe that our entire universe exists inside a computer simulation, a concept known as the "Sims-Matrix Flapdoodle Inanity Theory."

 

 

Posted March 15, 2013

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

 

 

Posted March 14, 2013

In a restroom in our IT department, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "THINK! "

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read: "THOAP! "

 

 

Posted March 11, 2013

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

 

 

Posted March 9, 2013

A secretary walked into the LAN Manager's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

 

 

Posted March 7, 2013

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"The asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

 

 

Posted March 4, 2013

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

 

Posted March 1, 2013

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

 

 

Posted February 28, 2013

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

 

 

Posted February 26, 2013

Real Quotes for Real Geeks

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.'  So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"  --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

 

 

Posted February 25, 2013

The "IT Salary Theorem" states that "Sys Admins, programmers, engineers and analysts can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and, especially, liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every technically trained person knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time,

and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

 

 

Posted February 23, 2013

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to a well-known, high tech vendor's help center shows there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

 

 

Posted February 20, 2013

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

 

 

Posted February 18, 2013

Yesterday Computer Song

Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

 

 

Posted February 16, 2013

A cat in Redmond, Washington, had kittens. The boy who was the owner was very proud of his new pets and was showing them off to his
neighbors. One of these neighbors was a Microsoft executive. After some discussion about the kittens, the Microsoft employee asked the boy, "What type of computer products do the kittens use? " The boy replied, "They love Microsoft products."

The Microsoft employee was pleased to hear this and decided to bring Chairman Bill with him the next time he saw the kittens. A couple of weeks later, Chairman Bill went to see the kittens. The Microsoft employee again asked the boy, "What type of computer products do the kittens use?"

The boy said, "They love Sun computers and use Unix and Java." Bill was shaken and sputtered, "What? I was told they liked Microsoft
products?" The boy replied, "Well, they did, but their eyes are open now."

 

 

Posted February 15, 2013

Laws of Computing


* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

 

 

Posted February 14, 2013

What Those Older IT Acronyms Really Mean

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

 


Posted February 12, 2013

The following memo was recently found in the debris of a ruined company that failed in early 2000.

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y -to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

 

 

Posted February 9, 2013

Virus Alert from Your IT Department

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough...I'm off to the pub."

The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

 

 

Posted February 7, 2013

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

 

 

Posted February 6, 2013

One day our CIO drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe? "

 

 

Posted February 5, 2013

One time, I had to tell a candidate for a position in our IT department that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.


After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"

 

 

Posted February 2, 2013

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick -up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

 

 

Posted February 2, 2013

One of my duties in the IT and Telecom group was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

 



Posted February 1, 2013

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother, a LAN Manager, came home exhausted from a long day of network problems.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.  "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

 

 

Posted January 31, 2013

Software Conflict: Wife 1.0 Upgrade


Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child- Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.

My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded.

At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:

* A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.

I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

***** BUG WORKAROUNDS *****

If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.

Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name.
 


 

Posted January 30, 201333

I.T. DEPARTMENT COMPUTER PROBLEM SELF-REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
_____________________

17. If `nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

 

 

Posted January 28, 2013

Revenge of Haiku Error Messages
 

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
 

 

Posted January 27, 2013

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning:"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it".

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now!"
 

 

Posted January 25, 2013

Son of Haiku Error Messages

 
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
 

 

Posted January 24, 2013

For thirty years, Johnson, a Sys Admin, had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

 

 

Posted January 22, 2013

A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard."

The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.

The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job, he's that upset.

What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $2,000 worth of laptop under a tap? "

 

 

Posted January 21, 2013

Haiku Error Messages

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows Seven crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
 

 

Posted January 20, 2013

It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.

The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"

 

 

Posted January 19, 2013

Virus Alert!

Ellen Degeneres virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus - Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus - Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus - Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels virus - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus - Only attacks minor files.

X-files virus - All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus. -Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Sony Bono virus - Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart virus - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to
300 MB.

ATT virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the ATT virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
 

 

Posted January 18, 2013

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett- Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

 

Posted January 17, 2013

A man went to apply for a job in a small IT shop. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The LAN manager read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

 

 

Posted January 16, 2013

As an older IT guy, I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way—e- mail."

 

 

Posted January 15, 2013

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing...... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

 

 
Posted January 14, 2013

TwInternetaholics Anonymous

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

 


 

Posted January 13, 2013

Two IT employees are talking. One of them asks the other, "How long have you been working here?" The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me."

 

 

Posted January 12, 2013

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

 

 

Posted January 11, 2013

IT department bulletin board: “This department requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.

 

 

 
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